"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"
Because the real thing wasn't strange enough.
High Five: It's a Wonderful Christmas Carol
"How repulsive everything is," Saionji growled, squeezing his fist in anger. "First I fail to rescue my Anthy from the clutches of that castle, then my foolishness accumulates before I can even notice she's standing right there. On top of all that, there's the whole business with Akio and that accursed cottage, not to mention I haven't been given one heroic role since this idiotic saga began. Perhaps it is karma, or perhaps it is God, smiling maliciously as He doles out pleasure and pain to whomever He wishes. But am I one to be controlled by some fickle deity, or do I have the control? O fate, O circumstance, you mock this Saionji."
He drew in a deep breath. The air was frosty and bitter, so fresh and crisp that it was painful just to inhale. He shivered and clenched his teeth, refusing to be beaten, even by this weather. Nanami could prance around with her delusions and plots all she wanted, but there was only so much a person could take, and Kyoichi Saionji had had enough.
"Sometimes," he muttered, smiling sadly, "I wonder if God has made a mistake, and if my birth was His most divine error. Heh…the perfect deity's failures exposed in one single man. Bah, humbug! What am I saying? If I was made by divine hands, then I have divinity in myself! And if not, it gives me unlimited freedom to do as I see fit, to commit myself to better goals and to rise above this damning position. Heh…still, I wonder. What could life have been like had I not been born? Would the world even notice? It's a question we all wonder sometimes."
Saionji walked away, feet crunching in the snow, skin tingling as a cold wind passed him by. The world would soon know what it was like to have him absent, for upon that night, Saionji would have his wish granted—three times. Oooh, spooky!
……
Night offered the solace of darkness and fire, the indifferent warmth of bedsheets, and the subtle tick-tick of a clock, reminding Kyoichi Saionji of the moments passing him. Yet this quiet introspective was not a waste of that time, but an investment: he needed moments like this where he could just sit there and think, before sleep and the next day's problems took over. Insomnia did seem easier to conquer whenever he flushed his mind, and soon after coming to several dead ends and conclusions, he found himself tired, willingly burying himself under the covers, waiting for darkness and half-death to take over.
Scrooge… Scrooge…
Saionji blinked, forcing his eyes to open again. What was that? He sat up and looked around, perturbed. The fire had gone out; maybe that was it. The wind was strong that evening. He shrugged and laid down again, calming his unsteady heart.
Scrooge… Scrooge!
"You're in the wrong story!" he screamed, bolting up again. Before his very eyes appeared a ghost, swathed in chains, disfigured and miserable. He did not recognize it; this specter was new to him.
"Ebenezer Scrooge…"
"I told you you're in the wrong place!" enunciated Saionji, glaring at the spirit. The ghost grumbled and bowed, apologetic.
"Sorry about that, kid. Can you direct me to the right place? I need to visit Ebenezer Scrooge."
"I figured," he muttered. Saionji gave him the proper directions and saw him off, but before it could leave, the ghost turned around and glared at him.
"Saionji… Tonight, you will be visited by three spirits!"
"Um, you're only holding up two fingers."
"That's all I have!" the ghost wailed.
"What about the other hand?" It held its other hand up, revealing only two fingers.
"That's it for this hand as well!"
"Then hold one finger up on one hand, and two fingers on the other."
"Like this?" it said, doing just that. Saionji smiled brightly.
"Yeah, you got it!"
"Right. Scrooge—I mean, Saionji…tonight, you will be visited by three spirits!"
"Why's that?" The pause this time was so pregnant, it nearly gave labor (ducks thrown objects).
"Um… I…don't know!" the ghost wailed. "Farewell, Saionji! Farewell…" And with that, one of the most normal things that ever happened in the Utena-verse came to pass. Saionji shrugged and went to sleep, skulking the whole way.
"Miserable spirits," he grumbled. "It never fails. I barely shut my eyes and a ghost comes to wake me up. What do they think this is, Dickens?" Murphy's Law dictates that yet another spirit visited our hero before the night was over, but this one was part of a running gag trifecta, each causing more humorous psychological damage than the last. The ghost, dressed in a leather jacket and jeans, ran up and kicked Saionji until he woke up. Needless to say, this otherworldly herald was not welcomed very politely.
"STOP KICKING ME YOU HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE THING!"
"Eeeeeeeyyy, relax baby! The Touga is here to grant you a wish, man. So just chill out for awhile!" Saionji turned pale. Never in a hundred years would he ever…
"Touga? Why are you dressed like the Fonz?"
"Eeeeeeeyyy, the Touga is, like, the ghost of Retro Christmas, man! He's here to, like, show you what life might've been like if you, like, hadn't been a cool cat, man!"
"I'm going to be sick," groaned poor Saionji, clutching his forehead. "Really, I'll puke any time. You better get me a bucket right now if you don't want a mess."
"Chill, brother!" Touga exclaimed, snapping his fingers. "The Touga will make everything clear as ice, and just as frosty! Eeeeyy!"
"Why does that suddenly not fill me with comfort?" It was too late to complain; the scene had already changed, shifting into the deep past, where Saionji was given a rare glimpse of things that had already gone. He first saw a family sitting around watching television, but didn't know what this had to do with him. "Spirit," he asked, "would you mind telling me why this has anything to do with my past?"
"Not your past, man, but everyone's! If you had never been born, 'Gilligan's Island' would still be on the air!"
"You liar!"
"Eeeeeyyy, the Touga never lies, unless it's next to a foxy lady!" Saionji grimaced, not very convinced yet.
"Show me more."
"With pleasure, man." The scene then shifted to a familiar-looking dojo, where a younger version of Touga was sparring with a younger version of…
"What? That's Miki!"
"Eeeeeyyy, the Sai-man has 20-20! That's right, man—if you had never been born, I would've—I mean, Touga would've had Miki as a sparring partner. The Mikster and I—I mean, he—would've grown up to be like really close buds, ya dig? I wouldn't—um, I mean, the Touga wouldn't turn into such a heartless guy, and Miki would have Anthy!"
"You're kidding!" Saionji growled. The spirit shook his greased head.
"The Touga is never a kidder, man. He tells all and sees all."
"I've seen enough, my friend. Touga, I want to live! I want the chance to have Anthy again!"
"Whoa, man, time out! You still have two more spirits to burn through, brother!"
"Forget about that, I've changed!"
"Sorry man, the Touga don't work that way. Stay cool, man! I gotta split. Eeeeyyy!" Touga jumped on a motorcycle and vanished in a puff of smog, leaving Saionji to cough violently. When the black fog cleared, yet another ghostly apparition stood before him, dressed in a very familiar-looking red dress. He rubbed his eyes and gawked—it was his beloved, the Rose Bride!
"Anthy?"
"Yes—um, I mean, no, sorry. I'm the goddess of gifts."
"The what now?"
"(No! That's wrong!)" hissed Utena, stage-whispering from the side. "(You're supposed to be the ghost of the present!)"
"But that's what I said, Miss Utena. I'm the goddess of presents, of gifts."
"(Anthy, you… Oh, I give up. Seventeen hours of rehearsal and she still gets it wrong!)"
"Miss Utena, you seem distracted by something. Shall I give you a gift?"
"(That's not really necessary, Anth—)" Utena stopped suddenly as Anthy jumped back, tackled her, and…
SPLOOSH!
"My nose!" cried Saionji, covering it up. Anthy strolled back to his side, smiling calmly, hair slightly disheveled.
"My, that was fun. Well, shall we continue?" Somehow, Saionji was able to answer a weak yes as he clogged his bleeding nose with tissue.
The ghost of Christmas presents led Saionji to a classroom where several blackboards rotated around slowly, counterclockwise in motion. He then noticed the students filling the classroom, including one Utena Tenjou, and that girl who had taken him in when he had nowhere else to go—what was her name again? Onion something? Oh well, it didn't matter; he could see them talking, but they had no idea he was there.
"Listen," he told the ghost, "I know that we're in Japan, but I'm not a voyeur. If you don't mind, take me to see something relevant—you know, something that makes me want to stop all suicidal tendencies and/or reform my ways and observe religious holidays properly."
"Oh, this is relevant, all right," Anthy said. "This is the world where you don't exist. In this world, Miss Utena has no clear foe, and Miss Wakaba has no clear lover. Without you to distort the balance, observe what happens to them." Saionji's nose started to bleed suddenly as he observed a short-haired Utena putting the moves on an innocent little Wakaba. Things progressed into a scene where they danced underneath stars and over a field of infinite roses, and then to a room where they drew each other in the nude…
"I can't take this anymore!" he screamed, trying desperately to plug his bleeding nose. "My lesbian senses are out of control! Spirit, remove me from this place!"
"All right," Anthy relented, "but you won't like where we're going next." She took him to a bath house, where Kozue and Miki were engaged in…well, let's just say that they were engaged in something. For some odd reason, they were getting along perfectly, without any of the usual sandpapery friction between them.
"Um…Anthy, I thought I made it clear that I wasn't a Peeping Tom."
"Yes, you did. This is how the Kaoru twins are affected by your absence."
"You mean…they're normal?"
"If you consider bathing together normal, then yes." Saionji sneered.
"I can't bear to look any more. What about Touga?"
"Oh, he's alive and well. He and Shiori get married."
"What about Juri?"
"She becomes like a big sister to Nanami. And Nanami never turns into a cow."
"This is a horrible place!" he cried. "Spirit, let me live, I beg of you! I can't stand to see everything looking so…so…so realistic!"
"Patience, classmate," giggled the ghost. "We have but one more place to see." The ghost of Christmas presents took Saionji high over Ohtori Academy, up to the top of a roof where he could see for miles in every direction.
"What are we doing here?" he wondered. Anthy gave him a pleasant look.
"If you had never been born, this would all belong to Touga. He would've been elected headmaster of the school, and eventually, prime minister of the entire country!" Saionji crumbled, amazed at everything he had seen—amazed at how much influence he alone exercised in the world.
"Anthy," he murmured, "please, let me live. I want to make everyone's lives a living, screwed-up Hell!"
"I'm sorry, Kyoichi," she murmured, "but you have one last vision to see before this trial is over. Farewell." Anthy's image gradually faded into the wind, leaving Saionji to call out to her.
"Wait! Come back!" But the spirit did not answer him, and so Saionji was alone. Before he had much time to think about what he had experienced, a great flash of light exploded, brightening the entire area for an instant before it faded. From the void created by this temporary chaos came a steel-colored sports car, rumbling powerfully, fumes coiling off like smoke from a dragon. Saionji recognized the car as a DeLorean; he was proven right when the car doors opened vertically, spewing out a familiar face.
"Miki?" It was indeed the blue-haired genius, but his prized mane was frizzled, and he wore a white lab coat. The wild look in his eyes disturbed the puzzled older man.
"Saionji! You've got to come back with me!" he exclaimed.
"Back where?"
"Back to the Christmas future!"
"Oh? Are you the ghost of things yet to come?"
"Precisely! I've been given a decree to show you what life will be like if you continue to live in a state of inexistence! Quickly, now! We don't have much time to spare." Saionji thought it best to get this whole ordeal over with, and so leaped into the passenger side of the DeLorean, feeling awkward as any of us would. Miki plopped onto the driver's seat, punched a few buttons on the dashboard, and revved the car up. Saionji noticed, with some worry, that they were still on the rooftop Anthy had left him on.
"Um, Miki? You do realize that there isn't a road in front of us."
"Roads?" said Miki boldly. "Where we're going, we don't need roads." As the DeLorean accelerated, the machine hopped up into the air, propelled by futuristic hovering devices. With this new limitless space to soar on, Saionji and Miki raced through the stratosphere, until they were engulfed in lights, flames, and smoke.
With a climactic flash, the DeLorean burst through the time-space continuum, ending up in the not-too-distant future, which for all purposes looked almost exactly the same as the present. Slowly, the DeLorean descended again, expelling smoke and debris underneath it. When it opened, Saionji burst out, gasping and wheezing dramatically.
"LAND!" he cried. Who knew Saionji hated flying so much.
"We've arrived," said Miki, as if it weren't obvious already. "We need to be hasty about it. The thing about the future is that it can become the present very quickly. Come with me." Saionji scrambled to his feet and followed the younger man, until they ended up standing before a hospital. This being one of the least abnormal sights in his outrageous tour, he felt sure that he would not see anything disturbing. You and I know better.
It didn't come as a complete surprise to find Miki leading him to the maternity ward. There, he discovered (to his great shock and amusement) that Utena was now the proud mother of triplets.
"Uhh…do I even want to know about this?"
"Probably not," Miki muttered. "It's not good to know too much about one's future, even if they're not in it. Let's just say that this involves some farming equipment and a lot of salad dressing." Saionji made a face and continued tailing Miki through their journey. They paused to observe Mitsuru pushing Nanami around on a wheelchair (she broke her crown again), thus opening the stage for the entr'acte.
Do you know? Do you know? Have you heard the news?
Know what I heard? I heard that there was once a man with two sets of eyes!
Oh my, how grotesque!
He had one set in the front like a normal man, but the other set was in the back of his head!
Must've come in handy for looking behind him. Aha! Thought you could stab me in the back, eh? I've got you now!
But alas, the man could never appreciate what was in front of him, for he was always using the eyes in the back of his head, always looking back. The more he reflected on it, the more useless the eyes in the front became.
Oh, what became of this man with two sets of eyes?
His hair kept growing in the back, and no barber would ever repair it!
What would you do if you had two sets of eyes?
Me, why I'd…
You'd…what?
I'd always stare at the boy who sits behind me!
Typical, typical…"Did you hear something?" Miki asked. Saionji shook his head.
"No. Shall we continue?"
Miki led Saionji outside to a graveyard, the final stop in their destination. After looking at his stopwatch and screaming "Great Scott!", Miki dragged the older man by the arm, running hastily as their time together dwindled. The spirit of Back to the Christmas Future led him up the hill and indicated a humble, lonely little tombstone, decorated only by moss and decay. Saionji knelt before it and peered at the worn-out epitaph.
Here lies Akio Ohtori – "Now he knows eternity""Amazing," he muttered. "So if I never exist, Anthy's creepy older brother dies?"
"Yes, but—"
"Then what are we waiting for?" Saionji exclaimed, raising his arms to the sky. "If I can bump off that bizarre man, then all the horrors I've faced up until now will have been worth it! So long, Miki! See you in the next story!" Before Miki could call out to him, a herd of elephants emerged out of nowhere and trampled Saionji to death. Needless to say, this took the young genius aback.
"Huh. I didn't expect that. Oh well." Miki returned to his DeLorean and set off for the present era, vanishing in a powerful display of pyrotechnics and lights. He had a bake sale to attend to.
The EndStay tuned for the next installment.
It'll shiver your timbers!