"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"
When lawsuits attack.
A far time ago in a galaxy long, long away…
REVOLUTIONARY SPACE CONFLICT
It is a crazy time for the rebellion. Rebel forces, rebelling against the conformist EMPIRE, have rebelled in such a way that makes them look like rebels. In a rebellious move, they have intercepted…something from the EVIL EMPIRE and are rebelliously making their way to a save haven, to deliver the information to the sexy independent rebellious tomboy daughter of the king, Princess Kozue. However, evil agents from the EMPIRE are pursuing the rebels closely, and if we're extra lucky, we'll watch the rebels and the wicked EMPIRE battle each other in a titanic struggle to the death!
With precious cargo lumbering deep inside its bowels (yeah, not even a paragraph yet and we already have a toilet joke), the Tentative made its way across the darkness of the universe, fleeing with everything it could muster (mmm, mustard). Not far behind was a gigantic vessel shaped oddly like a cheese wedge, launching bolts of power at the scurrying smaller vessel like it was a god chasing a squirrel. The escape was hopeless: the Cheese Ship was much larger and faster, and being shot at didn't exactly help the miniscule Tentative. A particularly strong blast sent the ship into convulsions, dislodging any interior thing not bolted down—including a prissy young woman and her sassy sidekick.
"Goodness," said Anthy, picking herself up. The way the ship was shaking, it seemed like the pursuing god had played enough, and was now throttling them with his own hands. "That blast seems to have shut down the main reactor. We'll be destroyed for sure!"
"I've lost track of how many times you've said that," sneered Kanae, her cohort and would-be sister-in-law. As they scrambled to find a safe hiding spot, the aforementioned rebels prepared for their enemies to board the vessel. This was only inevitable: the large Cheese Ship would be upon them any minute now.
"We're doomed," Anthy lamented. "There will be no escape for the princess this time."
"Once again, something I have heard many times before. Don't you ever tire of being wrong?" Mute silence kept them from saying any more—that and the telltale signs of defeat. The Cheese Ship was drawing the Tentative into its belly, and in no time the troops of the EVIL EMPIRE (okay, I won't cap it any more) would swarm in. The rebellious rebels could only hope to hold them off, futile though their efforts were. The door separating the two parties was quickly disposed of with a torch and some dynamite; the following firefight was spectacular, with lots of people dying and falling over (see, told ya!).
And just when it couldn't get any worse, Touga Kiryuu stepped through the opened door, breathing through a scuba mask. He examined the results of the battle for a careless moment before moving on.
In the confusion, the women were split up; Anthy soon found herself lost, calling out for Kanae in all the madness. Meanwhile, Kanae had stowed herself away in a small chamber, where she was paying careful audience to the ship's most valued passenger, Princess Kozue. The two spoke in hushed whispers for fear their privacy would be disturbed; Anthy stumbled across them by mistake. The princess and Kanae separated after a gesture of confirmation, with the elder approaching her counterpart solemnly.
"Where have you been?" Anthy asked her. "They'll find us if we stay around any longer."
"That's why we must leave. I have plans, a secret mission the princess has asked me to undertake."
"Secret mission? What plans? I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Do you want me to explain it here, or somewhere safe? Let's go."
"But where?"
"The escape pod, of course. Nobody would ever look for us in there."
"And you say I have the faulty logic." The ship bucked in a violent explosion, forcing Anthy to choose the lesser of two evils. With a mutter of "I'm going to regret this", she ducked inside the pod and launched it, hanging on for the ride as she and Kanae were sent hurtling into space. The Tentative and the Cheese Ship—along with Princess Kozue—were soon lost in the everlasting depth of space…
Meanwhile, Touga was doing something cool! Having successfully taken over the ship, he was now showing its commanding officer just how generous he could be: he was giving the man five seconds to live instead of killing him outright.
"Sir," said Random Imperial 47, "the plans for the Bowling Ball of Death are not here."
"Oh. Really." He turned to smile at the man he had captured. "Did you hear that? The plans aren't here. So what have you done with them?"
"I…don't know what you're talking about! This is a councilor ship! We're on a diplomatic mission!"
"Is that a fact? Could I speak to the councilor, then?" He suddenly crushed the man's throat, killing him instantly. With a sigh of lament, he added, "Oh well, the five seconds were up. Too bad. Commander, kindly dismantle this ship until you've found those plans. And bring me the passengers if it's no bother."
"Sir!"
Five seconds later…
"Master Touga! We found a prisoner!"
"That was quick," he muttered. The Imperials smiled.
"Yes, it was easy. She was hiding in the most obvious place, and she only killed one of us before she ran away very slowly." Kozue glared and ripped off the officer's kneecaps with her bare hands. Touga actually looked amused as the poor man wailed.
"I should've known you'd be behind all this, Kiryuu," she muttered. "When the Senate hears that you've attacked me, they won't sit still for it."
"Don't act so shocked, your highness. We've received words that the stolen plans for the Bowling Ball of Doom (henceforth known as BBD) have been transmitted to this ship. Do be a lady and tell us where they are."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"I think you do…or you will, soon enough," he added, smiling cruelly. Kozue lunged at him, but was dragged away before he could even get a scratch. Sure it was dangerous to keep her prisoner, but he had traced all the rebel spies to her, daughter of the kingly senator, and now she was his only link in finding the rebel base.
"Officer." The nearest man in uniform snapped a salute.
"Yes!"
Send a distress signal, and inform the senate that all aboard were killed."
"Sir!"
"And send a detachment crew down to retrieve that escape pod. There will be no one to stop our revolution this time!"
………
"How did we get HERE?!" Kanae wondered aloud. The duo was stranded on a long stretch of sand, and might've believed they were in the desert if not for the ocean to their left. Anthy, while trying to make the best of their situation, had to wonder why her would-be sister was complaining so. After all, hadn't it been her idea to come here in the first place?
"Kanae, I believe it was your idea—"
"I know, I know! I can read, you know. Look at it this way: would you rather be here on this sweltering beach, or back on the ship being pushed around by Dork Vapor?"
"Neither choice presents a very pleasant result. I suppose being here would only prolong our deaths. At least on the ship, we'd be dead instantly."
"I'm not hearing this," moaned the older woman. "I'm simply not hearing this. Could this possibly be any worse? Trapped on an empty beach with my strange sister-in-law, charged on a mission to find a weird old hermit I know nothing about, forced to endure this heat and the humidity…"
"You must not say things like that. Otherwise things will become worse." Kanae turned around to scowl at Anthy, but as she did, a strange object in the distance caught her eye. Now feeling a surge of hope, she raced towards it.
"That better not be another mirage of me throttling you! Otherwise I'll start spewing fire, mold this sand into glass, break it against these rocks, and shove the shards in my face!"
"I see your demeanor has improved," Anthy noted. The scary thing was that she wasn't being sarcastic. After a bit of slogging through the sand, the duo came to what appeared to be a homestead near the beach. Feeling renewed at this sight, the girls clutched hands and raced for it, not even caring what sort of place this was or who lived there.
Miki Kaoru, the lone resident of the homestead, welcomed both girls with open arms—very, very open arms (neither were interested, sadly). He let them eat and drink until they had regained their strength, then demanded their story.
"Usually in fairy tales, the hero finds the girl washed up on the beach, but this time, the girls came from the beach and into my own home."
"It's that kind of world," Kanae told him. She and Anthy explained how they were part of the Rebelling Rebels of Rebellious Nature group and how they came to be at his front door, but Kanae would not reveal just which circumstances led to their initial escape. Miki pondered this turn of events for awhile, then pondered Anthy for a much longer time.
"What do you think?" she asked him, making him turn red as their eyes met.
"Uhh…about what?"
"What our purpose here is?"
"Oh, that? I really can't say for sure. It seems Miss Kanae would know, but she isn't telling. I guess everyone has their secrets."
"(Cough) Help me, Akiobi-wan, you're my only hope…(cough!)"
Pause. Blink, blink. Stare!
"What did you say?"
"Nothing, nothing," she tittered. She lifted a tray with snacks and offered, "Valium cakes? Don't let the name fool you; these babies will keep you up for hours!!"
Ten seconds later…
"I can't believe they fell for that!" Kanae snickered as she tip-toed out of the homestead. "As soon as they finished my Valium cakes, I hit them over the head with a comically-oversized mallet and knocked them unconscious! Now I have all the time in the world to find the strange old hermit mentioned to me by Princess Kozue in the first scene, Akiobi-wan Kenobi!"
THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PLOT POLICE
SPOLING STORIES SINCE CHAPTER ONE
"But where would I find such a man?" she wondered to herself. "And why am I asking the readers? I should really get going; those Valium cakes will soon kick in, and when they wake up, those two'll be more hyper than Wakaba on a Red Bull binge!" Well, there goes the timelessness of this "classic". No sooner had Kanae made it out of Miki's beachfront property and into the unknown did Miki and Anthy wake up—conveniently in each other's arms, where Kanae placed them so that when they arose, they'd be caught in a compromising situation. Too bad she wasn't around to see the look on their faces.
……
After "rearranging" themselves and realizing Kanae had pulled one over on them, Miki and Anthy began to search for the missing woman. They found her hitchhiking on the main road, and rather unsuccessfully at that.
"Kanae! What are you doing here? Why did you attack us?"
"Isn't it obvious?" she retorted bitterly. "I didn't want you following me and I didn't want to be anywhere near my bizarre sister-in-law! Besides, I thought you two wanted to be alone."
"That's not the point!" exclaimed a blushing Miki. "Now come back before something bad happens to you. Just what are you doing out here, anyway?"
"I'm looking for Akiobi-wan Kenobi, of course. He's the one the Princess asked me to find!"
"What princess? And what makes you think he'll be here? This doesn't make any sense."
"Welcome to the Utena-world," Kanae muttered. Suddenly, Jawas came from out of nowhere and attacked them!! Oh no! Luckily, the heroic Akiobi-wan sprang out from his hiding place and rescued them just in time, wielding what looked remarkably like a glowing Sword of Dios.
"Brother!" Anthy exclaimed. "I mean, Master Akiobi-wan! You saved us!"
"Naturally," he replied with a wave of his hand. Kanae developed big stars in her eyes.
"My fiancé is so incredible! Too bad he's related to Anthy…"
"Why does everyone hate you?" Miki wondered, mostly to himself. Anthy just smiled blithely.
"It's all right; I still have you and Miss Utena."
"And me," Akiobi-wan replied (or just Akio; I'm too lazy to type all of that out). Looking at his surroundings, he muttered to the group, "We'd better leave shortly. The Jawas are easily startled, but they'll soon be back, and in greater numbers."
"Ugh, the thought makes my hair color turn normal," Miki mumbled.
……
Meanwhile, aboard the Bowling Ball of Death…
Sitting around a circular table were six Imperial Thugs, each one numbered according to how plausible their appearance here was. Also pacing around was Touga, smirking as usual, perhaps at these so-called foolish stooges.
"The BBD is almost complete," said Imperial Thug 4. "All we need to do is test its main weapon on a helpless planet."
"What genius!" exclaimed Thug Five. "There's no better way for us to prove to everyone how we're a bunch of big boys by blowing up a defenseless world. Think of the respect we'll garner!"
"We have to be careful about the princess though," muttered Thug Six. "She isn't going to reveal the location of her rebellious rebel friends easily. And there's also the matter of the Senate. If they find out about her—"
"You needn't worry about that, Six," Touga said calmly. "The Emperor, who we will never see except in the later episodes—or the earlier ones, if that makes any sense—has just dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away."
"So let me get this straight, Duck Vader," said Juri, coming out suddenly from one of the side doors. "If this unseen Emperor has truly dissolved the council, does this mean he's really End of the World?"
"Go back to your own story, Juri. You don't appear in this one."
"How annoying. I'm merely asking questions. You could divulge me at least." She parted, but perhaps not for good.
"Anyway," Touga said, wiping his hair away, "I have an idea. Perhaps her royal highness might be persuaded with an alternative. A woman can be strong when she is attacked, but will fall to pieces if a loved one is threatened. Set the next target for her home planet!"
"You mean Earth?" Touga grumbled angrily.
"Just aim at some random dustball. She won't know the difference."
……
"So that's it," Akio surmised, once his fiancée told him everything. Miki and Anthy were a little surprised, but now they had heard the whole story, they could forgive Kanae for the whole bonk-and-leave incident. "Princess Kozue needs me to transfer the information she gave you to her home world. It won't be easy by myself; I'll need a handsome, strapping, untested young hero-to-be to come with me."
"But where would we find such a man?" Miki wondered. He soon noticed all eyes in the room were upon him, and sighed. "Fine, I'll do it. But I get really uncomfortable when you talk like that." Akio gave Miki a mysterious smile; Anthy, as always, looked airheaded.
"So, honey, where do we go now? It's not like we can walk to her world."
"That's true, Kanae. We must go to Most Likely Spaceport and hire a pilot."
"Most Likely Space Port?!" Miki blurted. "But that's a wretched hive of scum and villainy!"
"I'm sure we're all aware of its scummy villainous population," Akio muttered. "But most of the best pilots can be found there. We'd better hurry."
"Why? If movies and games have taught us anything, the bad guys won't use their all-powerful engines of death until it's nearly too late."
"True, but we want to get there before all the good pilots are taken."
"Oh."
And so…
"You know, we're really running through this quickly," Kanae noted. "It wasn't just a little while ago that Anthy and I were wandering on the beach, and now we're making our way through this scummy hive of villains with our respective love interests. Before you know it, Miki will be flying into the BBD, running around with a Muppet on his shoulders, and making out with his sister!"
"That's enough out of you, Kanae dear," Akio murmured. "We can't invoke the Plot Police any more than we already have."
"Yes, but everybody sees it coming! Why obscure the truth?"
"We're here," Anthy said. Miki nobly helped her out of the carriage; Kanae had to vault herself over. "Here" turned out to be a rather lively, albeit dinghy dive, with great music but less than desirable clientele. When the foursome entered, they only found an array of whistling men, leering at their lady-friends as if they had never seen a woman in their lives. Miki acted as their guard, though his visage was hardly the type to back away from (poor guy). Akio looked around for a good contact, and found of all things, a miniscule creature with enormous ears, one who could only utter a single sound.
"Brother," Anthy said as she approached him, "have you found anyone yet? You've been talking to that little one for some time now."
"It's because this little one is first mate on a ship that might suit us. Meet Chu-Chewbacca." Anthy smiled cutely and offered her finger, and even Miki greeted it warmly. Kanae, needless to say, would rather have Akio's finger than—erm, never mind. With a contact found, Chu-Chewbacca led them to his master—or rather his mistress, a spoiled little princess hiding in the corner, gleefully awaiting her long-overdue moment in the sun.
"I am Nanami Kiryuu!" she exclaimed mightily, "and I am captain of the Y2 Kondor! Chu-Chewbacca has already told me about your mission, even though you've just met him. I have to warn you, this job will cost an insubordinate amount of cash. If you have the goods, then there won't be a problem." She laughed again; Akio remained cool as ever.
"How much are we talking about?" Miki asked.
"Ten-thousand."
"Yen?"
"No, Republic credits! Republic credits will do fine." Kanae grumbled miserably.
"With that kind of money, we could buy our own ship."
"Perhaps, but who would fly it? At least with my level of skills?"
"You raise a good point," Akio told her. "Let me be frank with you. We don't have that much money, but we're willing to give you everything we have up front. Once we reach our destination, you can have double for whatever you're asking. Does that sound agreeable?"
"D…d…double?" Nanami's eyebrow twitched, her whole face developing a greedy tic. "W-well! It seems you've found yourself a ship! Let's meet up at Docking Bay 94; I have some business to take care of first." The agreement was sealed by a handshake and the group split apart. Nanami balked at Chu-Chewbacca once she was alone.
"Did you hear that? Double—plus whatever they have on them! I'm not expecting too much there, but twenty-thousand credits will certainly buy me a lot. Let's get back to the ship before anyone hears how great a deal I've been given." Nanami quietly shifted out of her chair and made her way to the docking area, but was stopped suddenly by three familiar faces.
"Hello…!" Suzkui…
"Hello…!!" Yamada…
"Hello…!!!" Tanaka…
"HELLO, NANAMI. GOING SOMEWHERE?"
"Yes," she muttered, glaring at the trio angrily. "I'm going to a funeral."
"A funeral?"
"Has someone died?"
"Which funeral is it?"
"Yours," she said, blasting them all with a single gesture. And yes, dear fans, she did shoot first.
This was not an isolated incident: soon the Empire's evil army of Miscellaneous troopers were upon them, and they weren't crowding for an autograph! With no time for pleasantries, Nanami and her burgeoning crew blasted out of the docking bay and into space, narrowly avoiding just one of many potential brushes with death. Their next stop—Princess Kozue's world, which was strangely the destination of a more sinister force. Bum-bum-bumm!!!
……
"Lord Touga! We've discovered a random dustball in which to blow up!"
"Good," he purred. Staring at the world, nestled deep inside that Bowling Ball, made him quiver with power—that and the massage chair, of course. "Now we must bring the princess here and show her what happens to people who stand in our way. Summon the princess!"
"Yes sir!" Touga's smile tightened as he let his gaze linger. Sure, they might be blowing up insignificant clods of dirt now, but someday soon, large worlds would tremble in the wake of their power. Maybe even worlds with people! Sounds of a great struggle pierced Touga's meditation, and he turned around to see Kozue at the door, agitated and breathing hard, the stench of a battle on her.
"You summoned me?" she growled. Touga groaned.
"You didn't kill all of them during your walk here, did you?"
"I can't be sure. Does it count if only half his bodily organs were ripped out?"
"No," he stated sharply.
"Oh. Then I suppose I did." He just clicked his tongue and indicated for Kozue to join him. "Look through that observation window carefully, your highness. Perhaps you will see something familiar." She did as asked, and noticed a planet staring back at them. If she squinted just hard enough…
"That's my home world!"
"Correct," he lied. It really wasn't, but he wasn't about to say that. "And do you realize the capabilities of this battle station?"
"I… No, I don't."
His smile became venomous now. "I suppose you wouldn't if you didn't know anything about those plans. Or you would if you did. Either way, this will come as a terribly rude awakening for you, your highness. Naturally, this can all be avoided if you give me the location of—"
"Yeah, that's not going to happen," she murmured. "Go ahead and blow it up. See what I care." Touga raised an eyebrow, expressing rare surprise. He didn't see this one coming.
"Are…are you sure?"
"Completely positive. Why, do you think I'm bluffing?"
"No…" He sighed to himself, and signaled for his Thugs to activate the station's main weapon. After a lot of cool montages depicting people pushing buttons and pulling levers played, the Bowling Ball of Death began to glow, shuddered, and smashed into the other planet, shattering it like a cadre of ninepins. Kozue stood shocked at what had happened, but would not let that deter her.
Simple fool. He thinks destroying some anonymous planet will get me to reveal the location of our rebel hideout? Both Touga and I know that my real home planet is too far away. I just hope nobody was on that world…
MEANWHILE!
"Do you guys feel a draft?" A collective sigh rose up from the group.
"For the tenth time, Kikuchiyo, YES!!!"
"…Just checking."
………
The Y2 Kondor, defying all sense of logic and science, wedged itself through the galactic atmosphere, bending time, space, and light to its whims on its way to Princess Kozue's home planet. Inside, Nanami was having one of her good days: being cast in this particular role seemed to be the pick-me-up she needed. The antics of Chu-Chewbacca, the two prissy princesses, and both men to whom she expressed indifference could not take away the elation she felt—but a sudden meteor shower might.
"BWAH?!" she bellowed. Nanami zoomed to the cockpit and vomited out the following: "How did we manage to come into a meteor shower? I set the coordinates perfectly! We should be at the princess' homeworld by now!"
"We are at her home," Akio murmured eerily. "This is all that's left after the Empire destroyed it."
"But how could the Empire blow up an entire planet?" Miki wondered. "And is that a machine samurai flying around?"
"No time to admire the view!" Nanami snapped, moving her ship out of harm's way. "Everyone buckle up! This is going to be rough, but I haven't been waiting this long just to be beaten now!" After a considerable amount of jerking and jamming, the Y2 Kondor moved out of the fire and into the firing range (so to speak). Before the crew could gather their bearings, an Imperial space-fighter zoomed by!
"An Imperial fighter!" Kanae exclaimed. Well, duh. "Do you think it followed us?"
"Out of light-speed? Unlikely."
"Seems it's heading for that small moon," Nanami muttered, observing just how close to the distant sphere they were coming. "I think I can take it out before it reaches there."
"That's no moon," Akio whispered, "it's a space station!"
"Actually, it looks more like a bowling ball." Everyone turned to Anthy, smiling smugly, and sweat-dropped.
"Just turn the ship around," Miki groaned. "And someone tie down Cha-Cha before he flies all over the place." Anthy grabbed her little friend and cuddled him close; everyone else hung on for dear life, praying to be freed from the grasp of the BBD. Their prayers, unfortunately, were in vain! Bum-bum-bumm!
"Come on!" Nanami belted. "Is that the best you can do? This is a serious situation here! You could at least be a little less cheesy!"
"Nanami, who are you talking to?" The young blonde grumbled.
"My agent. Hopefully I'm being observed very carefully. Very carefully."
Suffice to say, Nanami could not turn the ship around in time, and they were all sucked into the spherical dungeon like…like, uh…like…an olive through a straw (look, I'm not getting paid to do this, okay? Spare me some slack. It gets better folks, honest it does). Now that they were trapped, the team was forced to split up: Miki and Nanami would lead the girls to find the princess, and Akio would shut down the tractor beam. Seeing as how everyone had already seen "the film" a hundred times, their odds of success were astonishingly high!!!
"Let's hope so," Miki muttered. "Now to find the princess! Anthy, could you and Kanae look for her?"
"Certainly."
"And what about me?" asked an offended Nanami, slamming her fist against the wall. "Am I just chopped liver to you?"
"No, of course not. I'll need a brave and reliable companion to help me storm in there and save her. Miss Nanami, I can think of no better candidate than you."
"REALLY!!!" The poor deluded girl sighed wistfully, and wrapped Miki in an embrace that sent him suffocating. "Oh, Miki, there's hope for you yet! So let's get this show on the road! Can't you two girls punch those buttons any faster?"
"We are working on it," Anthy said, a hint of impatience in her voice.
"WORK HARDER!!!"
"(This makes me glad I never dated Touga,)" Kanae muttered to herself.
"WHAT WAS THAT?!"
"Done!" Anthy chirped, throwing her hand up in victory. "The princess is in level 5, cell block AA23. She is scheduled to be terminated."
"What! Oh no! Princess in danger! Miki must save!"
"This is ludicrous," Nanami groaned, rubbing her forehead wearily. "I get the best part so far and the story turns out awful! Well, I won't stand around for it! I'll save the princess and end up as the hero! Look out, lady! Nanami Kiryuu and her invincible sidekick Chu-Chewbacca are here to save you!" The headstrong woman charged into the brave unknown without a care or plan in the world, leaving the others behind to stare in wonder. Miki sighed.
"If I didn't think she had an ulterior motive, I would actually admire that girl. Well, let's follow her so she doesn't get killed."
……
The hot independent rebellious tomboy daughter of the King, Kozue herself, awaited execution solemnly in her cell. Suddenly, sounds of a battle raged outside, and worry mixed in with hope as she sat up, wondering whether she would meet her death or her hero. The cell door opened suddenly, but instead of a grim Imperial Thug, a young blonde woman stood on the opposite side, beaming proudly with the victory of a hero.
"And you are…?"
"Nanami Kiryuu! I am here to save you from your captors and avenge the loss of your home world!"
"Oh, that place? That wasn't really my home," she said offhand. "But thanks for, um, coming for me, although I was expecting somebody a little more…heroic."
"And what's that supposed to mean?!"
"Oh, nothing," she yawned. "I suppose a rescuer is better than nothing at all. Well, lead the way." Nanami snorted violently, and the two girls exchanged hot raging lightning bolts of evil for a moment. At that moment, Miki came in, bearing something that oddly resembled Akio's Sword of Dios.
"Nanami! Next time don't run off like that! You could've been hurt!"
"I can manage my own self just fine!" she insisted. Kozue's focus shifted on him—and stayed, wink!
"Hello!" she purred. "And hello indeed. You're the true hero I've been hoping for. What's your name?"
He stuttered. "M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-Miki."
"Well, M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-Miki, I'm Princess Kozue if you didn't know already. I'd like to thank you for rescuing me."
"Excuse me!" Nanami roared. "I happened to be the one who rescued you! This boy here simply followed me! If anybody's to be thanked, it's me!" Kozue gave the blonde an apathetic stare before focusing all her attention on Miki once again.
"Right. Thanks. And thank you, my dashing brave hero. I owe you a great debt. You can ask me to repay you however you like." Miki's face turned purple with so much redness overcoming it.
"Uhhh…w-w-we should probably be leaving now."
"I couldn't agree more," Nanami snapped. With a glare towards her comrade she muttered, "No reward is worth this!" Chu-Chewbacca just squeaked, no surprise there.
Meanwhile, Akio deactivated the tractor beam. And that's the end of that problem.
Before the team could get back to the ship, everyone was forced to split up: Nanami and Chu-Chewbacca to find and secure the vessel; and Miki and Kozue to find the others and rendezvous at the ship. Anthy and Kanae had been left behind because quite frankly, neither seemed up to the task of rescuing anybody except themselves. Miki whispered to himself how annoying Kanae was becoming, naturally leaving Anthy out because he could never, EVER think of her as anything less than perfect. Good ol' Miki.
Suddenly the two came at an impasse: the hallway they were running down led to a sheer drop, and the Imperial troops were right behind them!!!!!? Miki slammed the door shut and sealed the lock with his Sword of Dios, effectively destroying the controls that also extended the bridge. Oops. As he studied the room, though, he realized he could swing across if he could just…
"Look out!" Kozue shoved him back as a storm of blaster fire narrowly missed blowing him apart. Miki rose and thanked her breathlessly, then returned fire until he could have a few clear moments. Briefly handing his gun to Kozue, Miki reached into his belt and pulled a grappling harness out, using it to lasso around a convenient overhanging ledge. He grabbed Kozue and prepared to swing over the gap.
"Just a second," she said, grabbing his face. With an utterance of "good luck", she gave it to him hard and heavy, lip-locking with unbridled fiery passion, probing where no sensible princess ought to probe. Miki finally jerked away, but only because the troops were still going blasty and neither of them wanted to be made dead, so they both swung across and wound around the interior of the Bowling Ball of Death to relocate their allies.
But first, a reunion.
"Akio!" Touga exclaimed, appearing before the older man. "So, we meet again, for the first time for the last time! …Right?"
"Perhaps," Akio replied. "So what are you doing here, Touga? Here to steal the spotlight from your sister? Or maybe…" He smiled darkly. "Perhaps this is a way for you to bring revolution to the world!" Touga just sneered contemptibly.
"Think whatever you like. Our conflict ends today!" Both men drew their swords, and a duel of the ages began again…
While they were fighting, Miki found the missing girls and reunited with Nanami, who was, as you've suspected, cheering for her brother. Anthy and Kanae ran over to watch their respective beloveds, and as for Miki and Kozue…
"Not here!" he exclaimed, shoving her away. "Can't you see this isn't the time or the place for that sort of thing?!"
"Just one more kiss, I promise! And no surprise 'inspections' this time!"
"No! Let's watch the fight! It's Akio versus Touga!" Kozue snorted, feeling rejected over a mere battle, and watched only because she was curious to figure out why Miki was so interested in this. Suddenly, Touga lunged, cleanly slicing off Akio's rose. In that moment, for some yet-unknown reason, Akio died!
"Nooo!" screamed Anthy and Kanae.
"Yeees!" screamed Nanami.
"Buh?" murmured Miki. "Wha? But…how? I… ZUHH???"
"No time to reminisce, dearest hero," Kozue said, dragging him to the Y2 Kondor. "We have to leave now."
"I only hope that strange man got the tractor beam out of commission," Nanami muttered as she scrambled everyone aboard. "Otherwise, this could be a very short trip. Let's go already!!!" The Y2 Kondor burned out of the BBD's docking bay and back into space, leaving Touga behind to mull over what had just happened.
"Umm…perhaps I should just forget about this and have a drink. I'm sure that somewhere, Saionji is happy I defeated that man."
Elsewhere in the universe, the green-haired kendo warrior sneezed mightily.
……
Because she technically no longer had a homeworld to go back to, Kozue directed Nanami to the location of the secret rebel base, somewhere on the jungle world of Yawn 4. There, she and Kanae delivered the secret information that everyone had been making such a big fuss about. It turned out it was just a recipe for chocolate party cake. Of course, now that Kozue understood the power of the almighty Bowling Ball of Death, she knew that it had to be destroyed before more unpopulated dustballs could be ruined. A battle plan was drawn up and local rebel pilots were called into action, but one among their number was making her hasty departure…
"But why?" Miki asked as he observed Nanami packing her bags. "You've got your reward and you're leaving already?"
"Of course. Do you really think, after everything I've seen, I'm going to stick around and fight that thing? I've had enough with this! From now on, I'm only going after the roles that don't require me to risk life and limb."
"But we'll need all the pilots we can get, and you're amazing!"
"Though I appreciate the flattery, my answer is still the same."
"You won't change your mind? Not for anything?" She only had to say one thing to disappoint him.
"No!"
"All right," he sighed, "have it your way. Take care, miss Nanami!"
"(Speaking of overused phrases…)" Miki watched sadly as Nanami took off; Kozue joined him and gave him a comforting embrace.
"Let her go, Miki. She wasn't good enough for you anyway."
"I wasn't in love with her, Kozue, I just—" The young princess smiled foxily, and before Miki could do or say anything else, she tipped him over and gave him another big wet kiss, embarrassing him in front of all the other rebels.
It was now time for the assault on the BBD! Once a suitable plan was drawn up, Miki and the small gathering of brave volunteer pilots shot out of Yawn 4's orbit and headed to the destructive sphere, which was nearly close enough to run over the rebel base. Taking a deep breath and clutching the charms Anthy and Kozue had given him, Miki prayed for Akio's guidance as the Bowling Ball of Death loomed before him.
"Look at the size of that thing," he whispered in amazement. There was no time to be impressed; the station's defenses were being mounted. There were two hundred-some guns across their attack run, but these were easily avoided due to the small size of the fighter crafts. Miki himself destroyed about six of them before the leader of the operation went in for his offensive. He prayed for victory as he soared across the station to assist his comrades with the guns, but soon everyone had another thing to worry about: bowtie fighters!
"Just great," he muttered, observing two of his comrades being blown away. Miki pulled up and shot back at them, noticing in the fray one of the enemy fighters was particularly precise and lethal. Touga Kiryuu, bored and itching for a real challenge, had stormed into the hangar bay to board his personal fighter, and now he was in on the battle as well.
"Touga!" Miki shouted. "What the heck are you doing? Don't you think we're in enough trouble already?!"
"Miki, don't be so childish," came his condescending voice. "Your rebels are a threat to our way of life. If the world is to be revolutionized, this battle station must remain intact. Therefore, I cannot allow your group to succeed. So sorry about that." And with an almost-chuckle, he cut off the transmission and ended the life of another star pilot. Miki clenched his teeth and went in for the attack himself, desperate to put an end to this. Touga, however, would not have any of it.
"You think you can affect anything?" he shouted.
"I must do this! I must not allow this station to destroy any more lives! They're all counting on me back there!"
"Romantic nonsense," Touga arrogantly replied. "The lives of a few people mean nothing when compared to the entire world…or worlds, I suppose. And even if you did win, I know where your friends are hiding."
"WHAT!"
"Oh yes, it was fairly easy to find them. All I had to do was put a tracking device on that ship I found. Once this battle is over, our forces can easily storm in and take control, even if the station is lost. Your efforts will be for nothing."
"Then I guess," Miki replied, smirking confidently, "I have nothing to lose." To Touga's surprise, Miki intensified his attacks, flying even faster towards the shaft that led to the core (you know, the one he was supposed to fire proton torpedoes in). Touga cursed, but it took more than angry words to catch up with the young hero. It was now a battle between the two men, with the only thing between them being a distance of a few kilometers, and the accuracy of one's firepower. But Touga could wait; he had waited all his life for his chance, and he could surely be patient for a few more moments.
Miki…Miki, can you hear me? This is the spirit of Akio, calling you from beyond the void!
"That's just great," he grumbled to himself. "Hearing voices is the last thing I need right now."
Miki, you must trust me. Use the Schwartz!
"The what?"
The…the Forks!
"Excuse me?"
The Fierce!
"You're not making any sense," he snapped coldly. "Look, just get out of my head, okay? I can do this by myself." Suddenly, his vessel rocked as a stray blast from Touga's fighter crippled part of his system.
You were saying?
"Stop talking to me! Just give me some time to think!" But there was no time; Touga was bearing down on him, and in a few moments, Miki and the last thread of hope for the rebellion would be gone (those other guys don't count, of course). Suddenly, Touga's fighter buckled under some sudden immense pressure, and careened out of control, its pilot swearing up a storm.
"What was that!?"
"Did somebody call for a hero?!"
"Miss Nanami!" Miki cheered for joy as he saw the shadow of the Y2 Kondor eclipse him, Nanami's whiny voice more beautiful than anything he had ever heard.
"You're all clear, Miki! Now let's blow this place and go home!"
"Roger!" He fired instinctually, guided by the nameless mystic energy bound to this particular universe, and let out a sigh of relief as he, Nanami, and the remaining rebels (cowardly losers) flew away from the doomed sphere. Even Touga had to cover his eyes as the explosion rocked the very galaxy itself…
"Great shot, Kaoru!" he heard Nanami exclaim. "But has anyone seen my brother recently?"
Miki groaned with illness. Maybe it was better if she never knew.
……
No sooner did Miki leap from his fighter was he overwhelmed by cheering crowds and excited people, particularly Kozue, who smothered him with kisses the first chance she got. Even Nanami was embraced and proclaimed a hero, as she sort of deserves, and Chu-Chewbacca was given a little kiss by his mistress and her sister-in-law.
"What made you come back, though?" Miki asked of Nanami. The blonde smiled cutely.
"Well, I couldn't let you have all the credit, and Chu-Chewbacca insisted. Besides, I had to come back for my brother. I still don't know where he ran off to."
"He'll be all right," Miki assured her. Together, the heroes linked arms and skipped off to celebrate their victory, and to commemorate a new page in the history of the rebellion against (okay, I'll do it once more for old time's sake) THE EMPIRE!!!!!!!
As Miki, Nanami, and Chu-Chewbacca made their way down the processional hall, they were formally greeted by throngs of rebel fighters, pilots, officials, and representatives, every one turning out to hail their heroic deeds. At the head was Princess Kozue, looking striking in her white dress, smiling nobly as a princess would. She welcomed Nanami first and gave her a medal of heroics, and next came Chu-Chewbacca, who received a much smaller symbol of gratitude (Chewie should've gotten a medal in the original). Finally came Miki, looking bright and eager as the princess hung the highest rank over his chest, along with a wink and a sultry kiss blown.
With Anthy smiling and Kanae clapping, the trio of heroes turned to receive their applause, and with a mighty squeak of victory from Chu-Chewbacca, another fairy tale came to a heroic conclusion…
THE END
Epilogue
"Miss Nanami? Kozue? Where have you two gone off to now?" Feeling worried at their unexplained and lengthy absence, Miki frantically searched for the two women, turning over and peering into everything in his search. After some initial panic, he set down the hall and searched each door, finding one mysteriously locked. Never one to be caught without a master key, Miki opened the door, wondering if this was where the duo were hiding.
"Are you two in here? We have to evacuate and start the sequel before—" He froze rather suddenly and turned horribly purple as he accidentally caught both girls in a rather steamy embrace. Bashfully, they ceased their "private party" and greeted him.
"Before what, Miki?"
"You know what? Never mind."
Stay tuned for the next installment!
It's better than doing nothing!