Dedicated in loving memory to Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Erwin

"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

When you just can't get enough lesbian, incestuous, and homoerotic action.

Verse Ate: A Lad in a Lamp

Once upon a time there was this boy who was a peasant but he was really the son of the king (sssh, don't tell him that!), however the kingdom fell on hard times, as the evil chancellor took all his money (all chancellors are evil, no exception) and then he told the church and the military to blow up his hometown, so the king and queen were dead and that left the prince a poor man in exile. However he was going to grow up to be the hero of this story! The prince's name was Soji Mikage, and because he had weird hair and was a prettyboy, he was clearly going to be a tremendous hero who could seduce any woman he laid his eyes on, even if they were bad.

One day, the evil chancellor (whose name was Mitsuru) was walking in the brand new super palace he had his minions build, which was in like the center of the world and it had the best technology ever. As he was walking, he suddenly remembered having a dream! And we all know what that means: this dream would come true! The dream was about a missing prince rising up to overthrow him and take over, so because Chancellor Mitsuru knew this was going to happen, he decided to look for the prince and kill him when he found him! So he got all his best guards and told them to go look for the prince, and kill him.

The guards were not very smart, because they thought Chancellor Mitsuru meant the prince that wasn't exiled, the one in their own new evil country, and so they ran through the kingdom and found the prince in the garden. They said, "You prince! The Chancellor who is Mitsuru told us to kill you since you are going to overthrow him!" But the prince said, "I'm not the prince you're looking for, I am Prince Mamiya, please find some other prince." And so the guards realized who he was and went back to explain things to the Chancellor, who had them all beheaded for not killing the real prince.

Then the Chancellor said, "I know! I will find the magic genie and ask her to kill the prince! Then I will ask her to make me king of the world, and she must do whatever I say from that day forward!" But the Chancellor didn't know that Mamiya was listening, and he wanted to help the other prince, and so that night Mamiya escaped and went to find the other prince. He soon found Soji, who didn't know he was a prince, and told him everything. Soji could not believe that he was really a prince! Mamiya also said he was in danger, but if he found the genie first, he would not be and Chancellor Mitsuru would be in big trouble!

And so, prince Soji entrusted his entire future to a perfect stranger and went looking for the genie who could grant wishes, but Mitsuru's other guards (who were a little smarter than the ones he sent out earlier) were after the genie too! So Mamiya and Soji ran very very quickly, and they went to ask a very wise old woman where the genie was. She said, "It is buried in the sand, you must dig it out by hand! Now pay me lots of money, uh……something-something honey!" The two princes pushed the old woman off a very high building and killed her instead of paying her money, and then they went to where there was a lot of sand and they started to dig, but the Chancellor's guards were getting closer!

"We must find an old person who is very wise to help us," they said. They went and found an old man who told them the same thing the old woman told the two princes, and he asked for money too. They tried to kill him by pushing him off a cliff, but the old man was too smart for that (c'mon, these are guards we're talking about!), and he killed them with his cane. So Chancellor Mitsuru had to send even MORE guards out.

As they were digging through the sand, Prince Soji and Prince Mamiya found an electric lamp and thought how strange it was for something like this to be here. Then they remembered that ninety-eight percent of all genies live in lamps, and so they rubbed it and out came a genie! It was a beautiful princess named Nanami, who could grant any three wishes with a twitch of her nose!

"Aren't we confusing our stories here?" she demanded.

"No," said Mamiya. Nanami looked very cross, but decided to grant their wishes anyway. "I will give you three wishes, so you'd better make them good!" she exclaimed. Soji said, "Sex, drugs, and rock n' roll!" Nanami gave him a very strange look, but since those were his wishes, she granted them to him. First, Soji and Mamiya had sex (c'mon, what were you expecting?), then Nanami gave prince Soji rhinoceros tranquilizers, and finally she asked Metallica to come play for them, and Soji and Mamiya were VERY happy because they thought they had used their wishes very wisely. But suddenly Chancellor Mitsuru's guards found them and saw they had already found the genie!

"There they are!" they exclaimed. The guards ran in and stole the electric lamp before the two princes could do anything (James Hetfield and Kirk Hammett were distracting them), and then they went back to the Chancellor as fast as they could, but the two princes followed them using a magic carpet.

……

"Stop the story!" Juri stood up angrily, nearly knocking her neighbors onto the floor. "This doesn't make any sense at all! Where did they get the magic carpet? And why does this whole thing sound like a second-grader wrote it!"

"Down in front!" Utena shouted. Juri grumbled angrily.

"Fine. Continuity be damned. Let's just sit through this and hope there's still something salvageable. I can't believe Nanami agreed to be in this…"

"I think it was to dress up as a genie," Utena said, a giggle in her voice as always. "I really can't blame her. I would've gone after the role myself, but sometimes Nanami can be a bit too persuasive."

"Shut up," grumbled poor Juri, crossing arms and legs defensively. Utena sighed, and passed her tub of popcorn over to Wakaba and Anthy.

……

When the Chancellor's guards made it to the Chancellor, he was very pleased and laughed with victory, then he killed the guards because he didn't need them anymore now that he had a genie with him. Mitsuru called the genie and could not believe it was Nanami all this time! She said to him, "Mitsuru, I will grant you any three wishes you desire." Mitsuru could not believe his luck!

First he wished for infinite guards so he could kill off as many as he pleased and get away with it, then he wished to rule the world! Finally he said, "I wish you and I could be married Nanami!", and so he and Nanami were married and she stopped being a genie. When that happened, all the wishes were taken away and Mitsuru was just a normal Chancellor again without any guards, but at least he had Nanami. Soji and Mamiya found their own kingdom and got married and had nine kids, and they all lived happily ever after!

The End

Stay tuned for my next installment!

Same revolutionary time, same revolutionary channel!

Juri scowled as the story finally came to an end.

"Worst fairy tale spoof ever!"

"Nobody asked you," Utena muttered.