"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"
Insert humorous sentence.
(a burly man arrives and dramatically sounds a mighty gong. Smoke and fire erupts as a line of dancing girls emerge from the hellish mist)
Mr. Toasty presents
An Al Kristopher production
MASSACHUSETTS KEIKO AND THE PUMPKIN COACH OF DOOM(the girls enter a song-and-dance routine. Camera pans to Keiko Sonoda approaching a table full of businessmen)
"Lovely evening for a reunion," stated the world-famous archaeologist. The men rose slightly and nodded, welcoming her into their circle.
"I trust you have the object in question?" said their leader. Keiko proudly brought out the legendary lock of Rapunzel's hair, braided and preserved as it had been for centuries.
"Every strand accounted for," she said. "This time, though, I'd rather not pay in my own blood…or the blood of your associates." She grinned wickedly in the direction of a younger man, who nursed his injured arm grudgingly.
"You have insulted my son," growled the leader.
Keiko countered, "No, he insulted me. I spared his life. I suggest you spare me the pleasantries and hand over what we agreed upon." The leader gruffly placed a sack of rare and valuable coins atop the table, and revolved it so it'd be in Dr. Sonoda's grasp. She didn't even inspect it when she replied, "I don't take cash. Diamonds only." With a venomous glare, the man took back his coins and exchanged them for a large, pure white diamond, one nearly as valuable as the lock of hair currently being exchanged. With a smile of extreme exuberance, he took the lock and caressed it, murmuring something about "his precious".
"What's going on, fellas?" One of the dancing girls, the leader by appearance, suddenly hovered into the conversation, sticking her nose where it didn't belong. Tensions only rose further with her appearance; the lead man gave her a cool glare.
"Introduce me, won't you?" Keiko said.
"Dr. Sonoda, this is Utena Tenjou, starlet extraordinaire. Tenjou, this is famous archaeologist, Massachusetts Keiko."
"Weird name," commented the pink-haired woman. "And the hair?"
"The lock of Rapunzel, a legendary princess born in lands far away. Now, Dr. Sonoda, please to give us back the diamond." Keiko just laughed, tracing circles on the table.
"Am I going deaf, or are you developing a bad sense of humor?"
"What's that?" Tenjou pointed, indicating a vial fondled by the current villain-of-the-hour. He grinned mirthfully.
"Antidote."
"For what?"
"For the poison you just drank!" Keiko just scratched her head.
"Umm…I haven't been given any drinks yet."
Blink, blink.
"Martini?" he muttered, swirling a glass her way. "Definitely not poisoned!" She splashed it in his face, taking Tenjou as hostage as she and the diamond fled the scene, guns blazing and dancing girls……well, dancing. Thankfully, Keiko didn't have to fight any muscle-bound Germans on her way out, but you never know when one will pop up and attack you for no reason…
Utena was rudely shoved in the back seat of a period piece car from the 1930s, but with a hailstorm of bullets coming their way and a seemingly-endless army of underlings and thugs to go along with it, she could ignore the unceremonious treatment. What worried her the most, aside from Keiko claiming this sort of thing happened to her all the time, was that a tiny little monkey-creature was driving the car.
"Chu-Chu," Keiko growled, "step on it, will ya?" The little critter squeaked, and despite its size, was somehow able to evade Keiko's pursuers, though it took a magnificent chase scene and several hundred spilled produce carts to get the two women to safety (whenever there's a chase, there are ALWAYS produce carts involved). They wound up in a private airport, staring down a cargo plane full of bootleg Sailor Moon DVDs (never mind how they got into a different time period; Juri had long ago given up on being a continuity stickler). Although Utena was disgusted to be counted amongst the illegal merchandise, it was certainly better than being shot at—at least for a time (suspenseful ellipse!).
"So just who are you anyway?" she asked of her companion. Keiko listlessly played with Chu-Chu, tickling it with her finger or bouncing it with an illegal copy of Season 2, volume 3.
"Keiko Sonoda, like that guy said. I'm an archaeologist, but I don't go after ancient burial sites or dinosaur fossils. I prefer to stay in the business of obtaining rare antiquities. That lock of Rapunzel's hair was just one of the better finds I've discovered."
"Oh. And you gave it up for that diamond?"
"I got the better deal," she remarked wolfishly. "Can't pay for the rent with hair. Would that I could, though," she said, fluffing her pigtails. "And what about you? Just a siren passing through?"
"I happened to work for that guy you just ripped off, at least until recently."
"I hate to break this to you, sweetheart, but what you just saw was one of his more redeeming qualities. Shooting people and feeding them poison is charming compared to some of the other things he's done, but I'll spare you the gory details." Keiko coolly placed a rumpled fedora over her eyes and tried to sleep, but Utena bugged her yet again.
"Just out of curiosity," she said, "what sort of rare antiquity are you after next?"
"Does it matter? I'm letting you tag along, so unless you have an objection, sit down and get some sleep. It's a long way to friendly shores." Utena snorted, but decided it would be better to have a quick siesta first. Little did she know that soon, her eyes would be opened to terror and betrayal (yet another suspenseful ellipse!).
……
It didn't bother Keiko much that there was a breeze, or an abrupt whirlwind of DVDs slapping her in the face, or even the sudden and striking loss of parachutes. What bothered her most was that Utena screamed about all of this and more as she noticed, quite loudly, that nobody was flying the plane. Keiko jerked to life and took the controls, landing them both very safely and very soundly on firm, friendly ground. Yeah, I know they should've had a spectacular explosion and chase scene thrown in there, but come on, that costs money. If I had that sort of cash, do you really think I'd be writing this stuff?
Anyway, after securing the plane and their belongings, Keiko and Utena (Chu-Chu riding safely on the pink-haired girl's shoulder) foraged a new path through the unknown murk, wary of the standard loincloth-clad natives, muscle-bound Germans, cultists, and sharks (because every action movie has to have sharks. Has to). Utena tried to make friendly conversation, but when you're trudging your way through dense forest with only your razor-sharp wit to slice down the overgrowth and triple-digit temperatures nagging your every move, you kind of want to be left alone.
Finally discovering civilization, the girls ran for what seemed to be an empty village at first, huts and small stone monuments laid in precise patterns, indicating some brains went behind their development. Not a soul was around, except their own, and the emptiness gnawed at them as they explored, searched, and peered into every one of the huts. It seemed like the place had been abandoned only a few months ago, as nothing was in decay yet, and the earth bore rogue crops left behind by hurrying townspeople.
One of the huts gave them a macabre surprise: there was a chain of decapitated human feet strung around the floor, each one tied to the other in a long link. Strange symbols had been drawn on the walls, presumably in the blood of the victims; Keiko approached these and studied them carefully as Utena kept her distance from the place (she had screamed out loud, upsetting several birds nesting nearby). Being a world-renowned archaeologist, Dr. Sonoda instantly knew what the symbols meant. Deciphering them gave her, of all people, a case of the shudders:
FIND THE GLASS SLIPPERS TO LIFT THE CURSE
"It can't be," she hissed, eyes bugging out wildly. She read the symbols twice, thrice, four times to be sure. "Find the glass slippers to lift the curse." Every time, the same thing. Keiko took a deep breath and summoned her traveling companion, but since Utena refused to go inside, she had to go out and meet her.
"I think I know what caused all this," said she, gesturing around her. "Have you ever heard about the infamous Glass Slippers of Sin Drela?" Utena shook her pale face.
"No, but I don't like the sound of it."
"Well, according to legend, the Slippers were the property of a great witch who could change her appearance, and the appearance of others. Her powers only worked when she wore the Glass Slippers, so naturally she never took them off. The legend also says that if anyone should remove the Slippers, all the spells would be broken and the witch would be cast down and destroyed. Apparently the local villagers believed in this, and made many attempts to remove them. If the legend is true, the witch might've heard about this and retaliated thusly, as you see. But it's only a myth."
"Creepy." Utena shivered, fearful of many things now, but she couldn't help but notice that a sparkle of excitement was now in Keiko's eye. "Umm…Keiko, what are we going to do now? I think we should get out of here."
"Indeed. We won't find those Slippers here."
"But…what? You mean we're going after them?"
"Of course," she exclaimed. "You asked me what rare antiquity I would go after next, and here it is. I never believed in fate before, but I just might now! Let's go on a quest to retrieve the Glass Slippers!"
"But…you don't even know where they are!"
"That's never stopped me before," she replied, giving the taller girl a merry smile. Utena groaned and wondered how she had gotten into this mess.
……
Utena watched very patiently as Keiko captured four mice and imprisoned them, then went harvesting for a pumpkin. She didn't bother to say anything—not that there was any point in talking anyway—and waited until Keiko had acquired everything she "needed" before speaking. The exhausted girl tumbled down to the ground and exhaled wearily, wiping sweat from her brow. Utena gave her some water and tried very hard to address her with gentle kindness. After watching her perform all those crazy things, it wasn't easy.
"So, may I ask what that pumpkin and those mice are for?"
"It's another part of the legend," Keiko replied, thanking her tagalong for the refreshment. "It says that the witch was drawn to animals and plants, apparently because they give her powers an extra boost, or maybe she used them as familiars. Folklore claims she had fairy blood in her, which might actually have accounted for the magic, but she was an evil fairy and used her powers for her own gain. The shoes might actually be nothing more than a vain accessory, but there's no way to tell."
"So…what are the mice and pumpkin for?" Keiko grumbled and gave her companion a rather sour expression.
"Bait, Miss Tenjou. We're going to use them as bait."
"And what makes you think the witch will take the bait?"
"Nothing," she replied, fanning herself lazily. "Absolutely nothing."
"Oh. Is that all?" A smile.
"Relax, Utena. I know what I'm doing."
"Is there anything else that might attract the witch?"
"Just one thing," Keiko said, sitting up. "Senseless HLS. Whaddya say? You game?"
"Why not?" Utena shrugged. And then they kissed, oh my goodness! The witch arrived right in the middle of their steamy session—as these things have a habit of doing.
"What do we have here?" she purred, her voice sultry and smooth as water. "A collection of mice, a pumpkin, and two budding dykes going at it for no reason at all. It must be my birthday!"
"Actually, it's your death day!"
Blink, blink. Blink, blink.
"What?"
"No, Utena," Keiko grumbled, "just NO, okay? No."
"Shucks," she grumbled, kicking the ground. "I thought it was a good line."
"Silence!" the witch screamed. "Because you have stopped your meaningless snogging, I must now protest by flailing my magic wand around in a rampage! Observe how evil and wacky my powers become! Bibity Babity Boo!" Before they knew it, a stream of sparkly light poured onto the mice and the pumpkin Keiko had found, transforming them from harmless things into gigantic mutated crimes against nature!
"What the…"
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Mice," Keiko murmured, feeling a migraine coming on. "Now I've seen everything."
"Don't forget the pumpkin," Utena pointed. The spherical orange squash was now a living, thrashing, enormous jack o' lantern, its eyes and mouth breathing sulfuric fire—and if that wasn't enough, the witch was still there. "Umm, Keiko? Are we in trouble yet?"
"I'd say it's safe for us to run like the sissies we are."
"Good idea!" And so this is what they did, the mice and the pumpkin following close behind, and the witch not far off. After screaming through the jungle for several minutes in a long montage of smaller chase scenes (including the standard "multiple doors, multiple chases" gag which usually ends up cloning somebody for some reason), Keiko and Utena finally came to a dead end, facing the remains of a bridge that some past archaeologist had cut loose.
"Drat," Keiko grumbled, "I was going to make my getaway here. Well, nothing to do now but stand and fight! Utena, are you with me?"
"All the way," she stated boldly. Even Chu-Chi gave his support, for what it was worth. The mutated mice caught up with them first, since we all know mice can run faster than pumpkins and witches with Glass Slippers (kids, have you ever been able to run in anything made out of glass?), but Utena stood ready to dispose of them. She heroically lashed at them with her Sword of Dios, slashing their eyes and slicing off their tails, then sent them plummeting down into the ravine, where they most likely fell and landed themselves to death. Next came the pumpkin.
"And you wanted to know why this story had that title!" Keiko screamed. Utena stiffly apologized and charged after the mutated vegetable, but Chu-Chu handled this one. In spite of his puny size, the little monkey could eat more than a gazillion times his own weight, and with a mighty gulp, swallowed the enormous monster pumpkin whole.
"Holy crap!" Utena shouted. "That was so cool! Um…Chu-Chu, are you all right? Do you need me to get you anything—like, uh…whipped cream?"
He answered her with an enormous belch.
"It can wait."
"Not…so…fast there…interlopers!" In came gasping the witch, just when all hope for an easy victory seemed theirs. The witch, poor thing, had ran through the jungle all on her own, in glass slippers nonetheless! Her feet were nearly swelled out of proportion, and her clothes clung to her body as sweat cascaded across her skin. All in all, not a very dangerous image to behold.
"Midnight has struck," Keiko said as she approached her foe. "The spell is broken. You've forfeited the shoes. It's time to surrender!"
"NEVER!"
"Oh, I didn't expect her to say that," Utena groaned. The witch lunged at Keiko and grabbed her by the ankles, laughing wildly as she tried to rip the archaeologist's feet off. Keiko struggled valiantly and Utena helped, gradually prying the fingers off and the hands away, until the witch screamed and struggled out of their grasp. Seeing her chance to strike, Keiko quickly jumped forward and wrestled the witch to the ground, ripping and clawing and biting mercilessly. Utena stood stiff as a pole and blushed.
"Yikes. Catfight!"
"Myaow," said Chu-Chu. Finally, Keiko forced the Glass Slippers off, and the witch screamed as her powers were suddenly stolen from her.
"Nooo! My powers are suddenly stolen from me! Now I have to walk barefoot!" She wailed mercilessly and darted back into the forest, where she turned feral and lived happily ever after amongst a pack of lesbian werewolves. For the moment, Keiko now had the Slippers, and hoisted them into the air, crying out in triumph.
"THEY'RE MINE! I DID IT!"
"…Ahem."
"Oh, right. 'WE' DID IT!" She and Utena smiled sweetly at each other, and split the prize between themselves—and since the villain was now disposed of, there was no longer anything that could interrupt them as they resumed their pointless HLS! Wheeeeeeee!
The EndStay tuned for the next installment!
Unexpect the expected!