"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"
Encouraging taboo lifestyles since August 2nd, 2006.
XXX: Bears, Pigs, Mice, and Nameless Gnomes
Once upon a time, there were three very different brothers, each one marked by his own unique trait, and they all lived in their own private houses with their own private effects, each according to the tastes of the owner. The eldest brother was named Suzuki, and he was a blind mouse who had his tail cut off by a carving-knife. He lived in a house of straw, where all his furniture and belongings were of a certain sturdy or intense degree. The middle brother was named Yamada, and he was a little pig with a hairy chin. He lived in a house of sticks, where all his furniture and belongings were quite opposed to that of his elder sibling, far off on the other end of the scale. The youngest brother was Tanaka, and he was a great big bear who lived in a brick house and had everything in it just right. This is a tale of their adventures with a certain little creature who caused them a great deal of mischief.
The three brothers lived very peacefully for many years until a mean little gnome caught wind of their situation. As most gnomes go, they are cruel pranksters who love causing trouble for those around them, and this one was absolutely no exception! He was by far one of the most wicked, and so he approached the three unsuspecting brothers with delight, already scheming ways to make their lives miserable. But as gnomes go, they are usually small and weak, and cannot stand up against even one brother, let alone three, so they usually employ others to work for them. Again, this one was no exception, and he drew in three wicked sisters to do his bidding.
"I have first called Keiko to my side, because she is most skilled with small insects and knows of many ways to use them for trouble." This he said to himself as his minion Keiko approached; she was happy to disturb the eldest brother, because he had once broken her heart, and she loved revenge. Similarly, the middle brother had caused grief to Aiko, whom the gnome summoned next.
"You above all others know of great and marvelous spells and magic potions. Throw something into his brew that will ruin him!" Aiko was happy to do this, because she, as her sister before her, loathed the brothers. As for the youngest, the gnome called forth Yuko, giving her the chance to exact her own revenge. "Your magic is focused on thieving and stealing trinkets of great value, and so I want you to rob this man blind!" Yuko was happy to do this—the youngest brother had humiliated her many times in the past. O woe to this fraternal triumvirate, and curses be to the sisterly trio who plagues them so, and triple to the gnome, who is still without name!
(It was actually Mitsuru working under Nanami. No surprises there!)
And so the sisters divided themselves and visited each of the brothers in turn. Keiko, with several jars of flies and locusts and roaches in her arms, approached the house of straw where her blind, tailless ex-lover resided. Quietly she knocked, batting eyelashes and making her voice as syrupy as she could.
"Little mouse, little mouse, won't you please let me in?"
"Not by the tail on my rumpy-rump-rump!" Not much of a declaration, seeing as he didn't have a tail, but hey, it was a blind mouse. Then Keiko spoke again, angrier than before.
"If you don't let me in, then my boss will huff, and puff, and blow your house in!"
"Goodness gracious! And me without homeowner's insurance!" This was a tragic turn of events for poor Suzuki, and since he knew the slightest breeze could destroy his place, he let Keiko in. He knew at once he was doomed, for Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and it certainly didn't make things better when she unleashed her insects to cause further destruction. Suzuki ran out of the house screaming, Keiko laughing the entire time, and to make things even worse, the evil gnome came by and blew the house over anyway.
Unaware of the plight of his mousy brother, Yamada the pig was reading quietly by the sunlight, awaiting his afternoon meal. Suddenly he heard a knock, and more startling, a familiar voice calling out to him.
"Little pig, little pig, won't you please let me in?" He rushed up, peeked outside, and jerked away with a grimace as he realized who it was—Aiko, who he had scorned.
"Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!" Not much of a declaration, seeing as he had just shaved that morning. Then Aiko spoke again, angrier than before.
"If you don't let me in, then my boss will huff, and puff, and blow your house in!"
"Heavens to mergatroid!" Yamada exclaimed—and for good reason, since he too did not have homeowner's insurance, nor even fire insurance, which was quite stupid considering his home was flammable. He allowed Aiko in and was stricken with a terrible itching spell, where no matter how hard or how long he scratched, he could never quiet the awful tingling in his skin. He rolled straight out of the house, scratching all the way, with Aiko laughing out loud. And of course, once she had her fun, the wicked old gnome came by and blew the house over anyway—then set fire to it!
But let's face it, you'd probably do the same thing.
Finally there was Tanaka, the great big bear who lived in a brick house, watching television while exchanging information with his stock broker. Not only did he have homeowner's insurance and all kinds of backup insurances (in case of fire, wind, wolves, gnomes, or angry girlfriends), but he had a shotgun and cellular communication—and he was a friggin' bear, for crying out loud. When was the last time anyone could confidently threaten a bear?
Yuko tried, make no mistake about that. She first raided Suzuki's tattered house, but found everything too hard or too cold. Then she invaded Yamada's place, but whatever was left was too soft or too hot (the gnome did set the place on fire, mind). Tanaka, she knew, had everything just right, and that made her even more jealous. She went to his front door, desperately trying to act sweet, and rang the bell.
"Who is it?" he called as he peeked through the hole.
"Little bear, little bear, won't you please let me in?" He went to retrieve his shotgun, loaded it, cocked it, and made sure his ex knew about it.
"Not by the claws on my handy-hand-hands. Now get out before I blow your brainy-brain-brains out."
"Suffering succotash!" Yuko exclaimed. "The nameless gnome didn't say anything about this! Well, how about I make you a deal? If you can guess my boss's name in ten tries, I'll go away. But if you can't, you have to let me in."
"Why?" he wondered. Yuko grinned.
"Two words, lover: blackmail!"
"NOT THE CANCUN PHOTOS!"
"The very same! Yes, 'THOSE' photos!" (Let's assume they both know what they're talking about, because I sure don't! Ahem. ) "Well, how about it? Ten guesses, lover. Better start."
"Uh, Jimmy Crackcorn?"
"No."
"John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt?"
"Wrong."
"Kunihiko Ikuhara?"
"Guess again."
"Shinya Hasegawa?"
"Close."
"Chiho Saito?"
"I've never heard of any of those names!" Yuko shouted. Tanaka grumbled and tried again.
"Alan Smithee?"
"Nope. That's six. Only four left."
"Clive Lewis?"
"Only three left."
"Vito Andolini?"
"Only two left."
"……Susan?" Yuko snorted.
"You're not even trying, are you?"
"I give up. Rumplestiltskin?"
"You cheated!" she roared, banging hard on his door. "Cheater cheater pumpkin eater!" All this and more she called him, until Tanaka phoned the police and made them take her away. He then got in touch with his brothers and had the police cart away the two other evil sisters, then recovered their assets and chastised them for not buying any insurance at all. As for the gnome, when Tanaka finally guessed his name, the little fellow exploded in a puff of smoke and turned into a statue, and that is how lawn gnomes came into existence!
The End!
Stay tuned for the next installment!
When in doubt, duel!