"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"
Thirty-two percent more fractured than the leading fairy tale spoof.
The Dozeneth Part: Duelists of the Symbolically-Shaped Table
Once upon a time, in the mythical realm of Tantagel, there lived a young lady named Utena Tenjou. This girl was a princess by birth, though nobody knew about it, since she had been raised as a stable-girl all her life by her adopted parents. Young Utena had two brothers who would later become great knights, the famed Red Knight Touga and the dashing Green Knight Saionji. For most of her young life, Utena had been in the shadow of her elder brothers; they garnered the favor of their father, who was training his boys to be warriors in the service of the king, and his daughter as their squire and maid. This was the custom of the land, though, so nobody objected.
When Utena turned fourteen years old, a mysterious and wizened old sage named Akio suddenly appeared at—
"Hold on," said Akio, interrupting suddenly. "This feels very familiar. Didn't I play a mysterious wizened old sage before?"
"I think you did," Utena told him as she polished her brothers' armor. "Now I remember: you were the sagacious mentor to the young upstart and star of chapter…six, I believe. You were Akiobi-wan Kenobi!"
"I was a living spoof," he grumbled miserably. "And now I get the exact same role. I'm starting to feel like Nanami."
Meanwhile…If it cannot break out of its shell, a chick will die without being born.
We are the chick; the world is our egg.
If we don't crack the world's shell, we will die without truly being born.
Smash the world's shell—for the revolution of the world!
"I swear," Juri grumbled, "if I hear that just one more time, I'm going to stab Touga's eyeballs." She cast her face aside, where a feather lightly blew against her exposed hand.
"It's not his fault he's repetitive," Miki replied, twirling two feathers in his fingers. "It's just that Touga likes his rituals, and there are always certain formalities that need to be met when we get together like this."
"That's exactly right," Nanami stated, resting a crown of feathers on her head. "My brother would never do anything that was lazy or halfhearted. Every formality would have its time and place. If you're so sick, Juri, maybe you should just quit."
"Your hostility is ineffective," Juri murmured, brushing the feather aside.
"Hostility? I'm just suggesting what you can do to fix the problem."
"As if you would ever take your own advice." As the dense silence permeated the air, waiting for the eruption, a flock of birds passed directly overhead, sending a heavenly fall of down upon the duelists.
"Don't get so upset," she said instead. "You know I wasn't serious, Juri. You're a valued member of the school council. My brother respects you and recognizes your talent, and so do I. I just disagree with your means of…expression."
"Funny for one who always expects others to listen to her point of view."
Miki sneezed suddenly, breaking the tension.
"Excuse me," he said. "I think I must have an allergy."
"To our discussion?"
"No," he sniffled. "These feathers."
And now…"Well, how Nanami used to feel," Akio remedied. "In any case, I suppose I can play the part one more time. I can't be too terribly picky. So tell me, young lady, what do you know of the world?"
"The…world?" Akio drew her close, so sharply that it nearly snapped her neck back.
"Let me tell you things about the world which no mortal alive knows. Then you will understand just how incongruous destiny is…and perhaps you will discover the means to change it to your whims."
"Look," she said, averting her gaze from his charming smile, "I'm just a servant-girl. I don't want power and I wouldn't know what to do with it anyway. But thanks for offering." Sheepishly she backed away, but Akio wasn't defeated yet. His smile deepened, and he committed himself to patience, as the time for his intervention would soon come…
………
Not long after, a grand tournament was sponsored by the steward of the castle Tantagel. There had not been a king in the realm for a generation, and with no king, the land had plunged into darkness and decay. No living heir could be found to assume the throne, in spite of a legend that had grown up in the area. Years ago, a great sword had been thrust into a stone and anvil by the previous king, and whosoever could pull it out again would be crowned the rightful ruler and successor to the throne. As the age passed, many great men tried to take the sword as their own, yet they all failed, and the legend and the sword both became shrouded and forgotten. Because of this, the steward hosted the tournament, in the hopes of finding a worthy king amongst the warriors.
Both of Utena's brothers entered, and she was their squire, and seemed content to do so. Akio was absent, though he had drifted in and out of her life over the course of time, sometimes dropping bits of knowledge and information about the world, and destiny, and dull things like that. The arena was crowded enough without him, and Utena even recognized some of the other knights from her brothers' tales: mightiest among them were Dame Juri the brave, Sir Miki the pure, Dame Nanami the tenacious, and Sir Mitsuru the small. Intently did Utena observe the fights, never flinching or wavering no matter how dangerous they became, until her eldest brother Touga defeated Sir Mitsuru, breaking his sword in the process.
"Squire!" he called, summoning Utena. "That noble warrior put up a more terrible fight than I had anticipated, and his skill curst the mighty steel of my blade. Pray find another whilst I recover what strength the match stole."
"Brother Touga and most honorable knight," she addressed, "forgive my disagreeable response, but father carried no spare weapons for either of thee. I have naught left to retrieve!"
"Then find one left alone by another warrior, or barter something with it, or make one yourself!"
"But brother!" He suddenly wheeled around and glared at her full force.
"This is a matter of honor for me! Fly, thou devil, before my gauntlet strikes your fair cheek!" Utena dashed away like a beaten dog, desperately searching for a sword—or failing that, anything that could pass for one in a pinch. Whether by Akio's magic or her own poor sense of direction, she found herself wandering away from the tournament, into the outlying woods that held the fabled sword in the stone. She discovered it after quite a period of stumbling, for the forest was dark and difficult to navigate: but at last she beheld it, and cried out for joy.
Had things been different for Utena and she were an educated woman, she would have known what sword this was and the full significance of it; but she was ignorant on this matter, and drew it out without difficulty or hesitation. She then quickly rushed back to the tournament, making it just in time for her brother's next performance. She expected him to praise her well for the serendipitous find, but instead he stared at it intently.
"Utena," he said, addressing her informally, "where did you get this?"
"I found it jammed into a stone and anvil, in the forest."
"What did she say?!" Saionji blurted. "You mean to say that you actually pulled the king's sword out from the stone?! That's impossible!" The two young men were shouting by this point, and mention of the forgotten sword of legend spread quickly among the spectators. A few of them had been living when the blade was cast into the rock; others knew the legend by heart, and believed that Touga had secretly snuck away to remove the sword. They were ready to crown him king when Saionji objected.
"Just hold on a second!" he screamed. "I know for a fact that you didn't pull the blade out. You were here with me the entire time, brother!"
"But you didn't have your eyes on me all the time," he countered. "Perhaps, in a moment of distraction, I stole away and broke the curse on this blade."
"Let me be a witness to this," called Sir Miki as he joined the debate. "I did not see who pulled the blade out, but I did see this young woman bring it forth. Young lady, what is your name?"
"Utena, sir."
"Utena, did you see who pulled the sword from that stone?"
"Yes sir, I was the one who did it." (She still didn't know what was going on, and thought very little of the whole ordeal until the entire crowd broke out in a fury.)
"That's a lie! A woman can't be a king!"
"Uther Pendragon didn't even have a daughter!"
"I say it's a forgery!"
"Prove it! Prove it!" The crowd roared in support, and soon they were all chanting for proof. Even Miki and Saionji agreed, and so with the population behind this new idea, the sword was taken back into the stone and placed there by Touga. He was first invited to pull the sword back out again, but failed; and the crowd roared with laughter as he fell backwards from exerting so much of his strength.
"Now you," Miki said, indicating Saionji. He fared no better; and in fact Miki tried himself, and invited anyone else who wished to participate into the event. Then finally Utena was called forth, and an awesome silence fell over the crowd as she slipped the blade out as easily as if it had just been greased. Even then nobody believed her, and so the sword was placed in the stone again, and everyone put forth their efforts again, and Utena pulled it out again. This happened three times before the crowd finally became satisfied, and knelt down before their new king.
"HOLD IT!!"
Naturally, Nanami groaned.
"WHAT now, Juri?"
"A woman can't be king," she replied, sipping a cup of strawberry tea.
"All right, so she'll be Queen Arthur or something! Why do you always have to nitpick?"
"Actually, I just thought of something. Shouldn't the legendary sword be embedded in the rose bride's chest? The sword in this stone grants the power of revolution, sort of, so shouldn't it be in Anthy's chest in this version?" (Miki, of course, was terribly bright red at this point)
"Th-that's just crazy. This story has been very faithful to the entire Arthurian legend, so why would it deviate now? Besides, wouldn't Excalibur be more like the Sword of Dios? The sword in the stone is a completely different weapon."
"Hey, wait a second," Nanami said. "If you're here, then who's back there in the story?"
"I can answer that easily," he replied coolly. "Have you ever heard of the 'Flintstone's clause'? Basically, when a character absolutely has to be in two places at once, they will often run between those two places, spending anywhere between a few seconds and three minutes in each. Every time the Flintstone's clause is cited, the user often believes their plan is foolproof, and is usually proved wrong. However, there's a loophole in the clause that a few certain people can take advantage of."
"What in Ikuhara's green Earth are you talking about?" Nanami said.
"I'm talking about twins," he answered smoothly. "Basically, I'm here and my sister is over there. We can switch any time and nobody will be the wiser. We used to do it a lot when we were kids."
"So that's…Kozue back there in the story?" Juri indicated.
"Yes, it certainly is."
"Oh." Juri smiled faintly. "Just so you know, she's making out with Touga."
"WHAT!!" Miki spat out his drink so hard that he fell out of his chair. Nanami calmly sighed. She had received the brunt of the spray.
"Mitsuru!" she called. Immediately the young boy rushed to her side, a towel and hair dryer in hand.
"Here you go, ma'am. I also brought a change of clothes and the chocolates you asked for."
"Oh, Mitsuru!" she giggled playfully, "you spoil me far too much! But don't ever stop, okay?"
"Let's just get back to the story," Juri murmured, finishing her tea off. "This interlude has lasted far too long. Oh, and Mitsuru?"
"Yes ma'am?"
"Get Miki an ambulance."
And so, the years passed, and the land of Tantagel ushered in a new golden age under its beloved ruler, King Utena Pendr—
"That's QUEEN!" Juri shouted. Oh, right: Queen Utena Pendragon. Whatever. Anyway, now that the rightful Ki—uhh, ruler was on the throne, something could finally be done about that awful dark age. The people could be set free from the unjust tyranny that was running rampant across their land: foreign enemies were driven out, boundaries were fought over and claimed, shadows were cast aside, and terrors were turned to joys. Of course, a famous deed cannot exist without someone to accomplish it, and Utena had the all-star cast of a lifetime backing her up.
Her very first act as Queen of Tantagel was to knight her adopted brothers, Touga and Saionji, for they had proved their worth to her many times and she knew she could trust them (c'mon, don't make that face). Next she knighted Sir Miki, and all the worthy knights there, suspiciously gathering characters from a certain animated series into her so-called "round table". Finally, when she became old enough, Utena fought for and won the hand of the fairest damsel in all the land, the Bride of Roses herself, Anthy Himemiya. So I guess that makes our heroine a lesbian. Who'd'a thunk it?
For your reference…Utena King Arthur
Anthy Queen Gwenivere
Akio Merlin
Touga Sir Kay
Saionji Sir Gawain
Miki Sir Bedivere
Kozue Sir Bedivere's suspiciously feminine stunt double
Juri Sir Lancelot
Mitsuru Sir Galahad (just play along; I know he's Lancelot's son)
Nanami Sir Not Appearing in This Story
Everybody got that? Good.
After fighting to maintain peace for many years, Queen Utena and her consort of loyal knights were given a quest, mandated by the Lord God Himself (Ikuhara in this case). They were charged with the task of—you'll never guess—finding the Holy Grail!
"No, wait a minute," said Saionji, plucking a shabby-looking wooden cup from the round table. "Look, see? The Grail's here. I found it!"
"Give that to me!" snapped Mitsuru as he grabbed the cup. Instantly he was taken into Heaven, because the cup is magical like that. Saionji and most everyone else at the table froze when the celestial choir and strange shafts of white light faded away, leaving Mitsuru's place at the table empty.
"Well," he managed, gawking openly. "I didn't expect that to happen. What do we quest after next?"
"Let's see," said Sir Miki, pulling out a charter with the words "Ye Olde Scavenger Hunte" on it. He read thus: "'Whosoever doth finde ye olde Holy Grail which was…' blah-blah-blah, 'locate yon emerald scepter in ye old tomb of dead king', blah-blah-blah, 'license plates from all fifty American states', blah-blah-blah…ah! Here we are! Finally, something worth questing over!"
"What? What is it?" asked Juri.
"Akio's car keys!!"
THONK!!!
"Well," he muttered, "he never seems to find them. And her royal highness did say that the sage Akio came to her in a dream, bidding her search for them."
"I could've sworn this happened in the movie," Touga muttered.
"Let's at least give it a try," said Utena, and everyone agreed with her because she was the perfect star of the show. And so, the knights of the round table set out on…
THE QUEST FOR AKIO'S CAR KEYS!
……
Now, before the story continues, I (the author) would like to make a suggestion to all those concerned (that's you, slick). I realize that most of you have gotten into this story simply to see yet another salute/parody/bad recreation of a certain Python Monty production. Well, get all those ideas out of your head at once, please. This is going to be a very serious story for once that will do its damnedest to follow the Arthurian legend as closely as possible, with some "minor" deviations along the way, purely in the means of artistic exercise and reader enlightenment. Once again, throw away every preconceived notion you may have had. I can wait.
Thank you.
With the quest now in hand, Queen Utena and her entire entourage of Round Table knights set out on their journey, mandated and blessed by Almighty God and not quite so mighty Akio, to locate the mystical car keys that would undoubtedly unlock some kind of fantastic treasure, one easily worth the price of several Holy Grails. They started their journey by looking under the Royal Castle Doormat, since most of the knights figured Akio just left them there or forgot about them. Their discoveries were discouraged, though, since they found only nothingness underneath; but they remained undaunted in their search.
Saionji wandered into one of the billions of enchanted forests they had in those days, and ran afoul of a Green Knight, who challenged him to a game of "Who can chop off the other guy's head faster?". Never one to be beaten so readily, Saionji simply thrust a stick of dynamite into the knight's visor, and ran away giggling like a little weenie. Take THAT, nature! Another magnificent deed was committed by Juri, who received a dire message from enemy territory, stating that a band of brigands was poised to overrun the kingdom. She found their hideout, slaughtered everyone, and came to rescue the princess they had captured—only to realize she was in the wrong evil hideout. Whoops.
Nanami and Touga committed themselves to a secret (and morbidly disgusting) love affair, until one day Nanami became pregnant with the evil Mordred, who eventually rose up to power, toppled Camelot, tricked Lancelot into betraying king and country for a woman, and mortally wounded his own uncle-liege in a struggle to the bitter end. After getting that out of his system, he settled somewhere in the East Indies and sold straw hats for a living. Mention this story and the first one's free!
Yes, it was a glorious age to be a knight in Medieval Britain, even though technically we all know that most British princesses are ugly spoiled brats, castles have a bad habit of crumbling overnight, the church forbade you to do anything to anybody at anytime, dragons were overrated, and worst of all, it was a crime to bathe and the punishment was, ironically, a water torture device. On the plus side, there were plenty of hot elves, and you always got the girl if you were a knight, even if you were uglier than an elephant's backside.
But moving on…
"Your majesty," said Saionji one day as the merry entourage was riding, "we have searched the lands high and low, from distant northern shores to the glittering eastern skies; from the rolling thunderous hills of the west to the foreign territories of the south, and yet we have not come across any trace or clue of the keys we have quested for. Time has worn us on, and we are not the men and women of youth that we once were."
"What's your point?" Utena asked him.
"My lady and onetime sister, the other knights wonder whether there are even keys to be found, or if their importance is worth this search, or if they are even in this realm at all, and not in some place we've never heard of."
"Have they such little faith?" she retorted, half-glaring at the warrior ensemble. "Each one of these good knights were here when the Lord God Almighty gave us blessing for this journey. Each one was witness to that miracle! If they have doubts now, then let them cast themselves out of my service, for I shall not have such fair-weathered friends."
"The Queen speaks strong truth, Saionji," Juri said as she joined them. "But your majesty, Sir Saionji has wisdom as well. What more do we know about these keys, other than what Almighty God and not quite so mighty Akio stated? That in itself is little, and with little word we can do little to act."
"Tis' on faith we go, though even I question this all," she admitted. "Sir Miki, your wisdom is simple and pure. What opinion do you have of this new venture?" As Miki came riding beside, his stunt double not far behind, a look of clarity and gentleness was in his eyes, like he had been given news by the angels.
"My lady, in all our travels, we have not seen the desired item—but along the way, many other quests presented themselves, and we as knights could not bear to turn aside without first attending to these. Perhaps it was through this greater quest that……that…" He trailed off numbly, staring at something in the far distance. Utena, Juri, and Saionji wondered what it could be and looked in the direction Miki faced.
"Strange," said Saionji. "I see a building that doth move. Pray, your highness, what significance is this? Tis' a marvel I've never seen." Suddenly, a cabinet drawer shot out of the building, crashing into and killing Saionji instantly. Everyone else gawked at the sight and drew their weapons.
"Good Lord!" yelled Miki. "The Crimson Permanent Assurance!!" Suddenly a gang of elderly pirates swung out from the office building, roaring and screaming for blood as they attacked the knights. A terrific rousing score burst forth and blossomed, and it was pirates against knights the rest of the way. Heralding them all was their dreaded Captain, the one and only…
"Wakaba?" Utena's face twisted as she identified her best friend as the leader of the gang.
"No, that's Captain Wakaba!" she exclaimed. "Now avast, ye landlubbers! Parley if you value your lives, or the Jolly Roger will claim all ye brigands and send ye to Neptune's lair!" The knights launched a brutal counterattack, but the elderly pirates were wiry and experienced, their spirits raised by so many previous victories. Each of the knights were hard-pressed to defend their king and country and… Aw, who the hell am I kidding, they weren't fighting for lofty goals and justice! Every single person there was fighting for a jolly good romantic time! Arr!
"Board their ship!" Utena commanded. "Seize them! Fight to the last man!"
"Aww, no fair!" Wakaba whined. "She gets all the cool lines. Okay, I won't be defeated! Pirates, attack by the hundreds, attack by the thousands! Fight until your arms fall off, every mother's son of you!" A mighty cheer rose up from both camps, and the battle heated up as the knights of the round table scrambled onto the Permanent Assurance Building.
Sir Touga fought three of the old seadogs by himself, fending off each of their cutlasses with his sword, taking swings and jumping nimbly. Two of them came at him directly, brandishing their weapons; the third circles around like a wild dog, slamming his scimitar down until Touga tripped backwards. Reaching out to grasp onto something, his hands closed over a thick cord of rope. Quickly he cut away at the very bottom, and flew away laughing, swinging his sword at anything in his way. At the very top of his ascent, he jumped away and landed square on the crow's nest, where his reward for such heroics was to face two more of the pirates in mortal combat.
Miki and Kozue were now fighting back to back, literally surrounded by more pirates than they could count. Three or four of the younger ones ganged up on Kozue and leered at her; a few arms were able to reach over and pinch her dress, but she warded them off with her sword. Meanwhile, as embarrassing as it was, Miki was experiencing the exact same thing, and his reaction was no more different, nor any less violent. In the heat of the battle, Kozue found a lantern next to her and smashed it on one of the dirty old men's heads; Miki kicked one in the stomach, and when he fell over, those behind him were bowled down as well.
Even Utena and Anthy were occupied (not in that way, pervert). Wakaba's second-in-command, the First Mate Shiori, had them trapped and was desperately hacking away. Utena had actually fought her before, long ago, but now she seemed different, stronger, more enabled of her own abilities and not the talents of others. She harshly kicked the noble queen in the shins and slapped her with the flat of her rapier, branding a hot red wound on her cheek. Anthy wailed in terror and attended to her beloved, turning her back on Shiori for but a moment.
"Don't worry, this won't hurt," she assured her queen. Shiori snuck up from behind and cackled.
"My sentiments exactly. See you in Hell!" Before she could strike, though, Anthy whirled around and caught the rapier in her bare hands. She glared so hotly that even Shiori backed away in fear.
"Nobody hurts my Utena," she snarled. Suddenly, a gigantic octopus tentacle shot out of the water and wrapped around Shiori, then dragged her back down into the briny deep. Smiling cutely, Anthy thanked her friend, returned to Utena, and resumed recovery, offering plenty of kisses along the way. Awwwwww.
Finally, it came down to the climactic clash between Juri, Utena's best knight, and the Captain of the Crimson Permanent Assurance, Wakaba herself. Their swords swung majestically in the bright shining air; their faces became wet with perspiration, and burned with the passion of warriors; their legs twisted and danced together, backing away or dancing forth to lunge, plunge, skew, and thrust. They both seemed evenly-matched against each other, even as they flirted with the razor's kiss and blood started to gush out freely from their wounds. Together they ascended the staircase up to the poop deck, fighting each other valiantly each harrowing step of the way.
Once they found level ground, their duel continued with renewed ferocity. The chaos below and around them seemed to drown out the more intense they were, and yet one could believe their faces glowed from the joy and rush of the situation. Finally Juri seemed to gain an advantage, and plunged forth to finish off her foe—yet Wakaba was quick, and flicked out a small knife to stop the other woman in her tracks. The two warriors paused, their blades tickling each other's necks, as they considered what to do next. Then, Juri smiled craftily, as if nothing else had ever brought her pleasure.
"You're good, pirate."
"And you as well, fair knight. So do we take the final step and end this war in a bloody finale?"
"I have a better idea," said Juri. At once they dropped their swords, drew each other close together, and started making out like the world was going to end. Everyone froze and stared; Utena screamed.
"JURI! HOW COULD YOU?!" The redhead just laughed and went back for more.
Nanami sez: "That's all, folks!"
But stay tuned next time!
Otherwise all these people go back to working at conventions!