"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"
Give chance a peace…of your mind!
Twelve Plus One: Squatting Tailor, Unseen Liar
Utena Tenjou took a great heaving sigh of relief: it had been a busy week for her.
"Aww, you're just not used to it yet," Wakaba assured her. Utena really didn't know who else to confide in, because everyone else seemed busy or distant, or unable to relate to how tired she felt. Having the main part in a fairy-tale spoof drove her energy away, like no other sporting event had. Of course, she didn't want to sound like she was complaining, but when a person's weary, they can't help but focus on themselves a bit, or their situation. Wakaba understood; she helped Utena along, because even this little gesture of kindness made her feel special.
"Once you get used to it," she said, most sagely, "it'll be easy, like second nature. And who knows, you and I might be paired up in the next one."
"Paired up?"
"Yeah, you know! Utena and Wakaba, destined to be together forever, my one true love!"
"Cut it out," Utena giggled, praying her friend wasn't serious. "Speaking of which, what is the next production, anyway?"
"I hear it's going to be 'The Brave Little Tailor'. I'm pretty sure whoever's producing it will figure out lots of ways to make that one look ridiculous!"
"The Brave Little Tailor? I've never heard that fairy tale."
"I'm not surprised," Wakaba said. "It's not exactly famous, like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty. If you want, I could give you the short version of the story, and you could try out for it if you're interested."
"Okay, sounds good." Wakaba cleared her throat and took a little swig of water, entering into her storyteller mode. Seeing as how she wasn't a great captivator of hearts and minds, and she usually got off track when regaling tales of yore, the tale she told wasn't exactly accurate—but basically, it went something like this…
……
Once upon a time, there was a very clever but very poor tailor. He lived in a small house in a cramped, stinky part of town, yet he was the most skilled man of his craft, and very handsome as well. I know—let's call him "Saionji" for now!
"You're very kind," said the Brave Little Tailor. "Of course, I am everything you say I am, and more." You bet! Anyway, one day he was making his usual breakfast of bread and jam, but he was so busy with his work that he had to put the food aside. Since it was a warm day and he kept all the windows open, a swarm of flies came darting into his shop, and hovered around his meal. Saionji saw them, and with a mighty heroic stroke, slashed at them with his super-cool ultimate Fly-swatter!
"Take that, you thieving rascals!" he exclaimed, looking so gorgeous in the breaking dawn light. To his amazement, all of the flies were destroyed with that single blow—seven altogether, each one squashed by his efforts. Saionji—umm, I mean, the Tailor was so awesome!
"Well, would you look at that," he said, proud of his accomplishment. "Seven in one blow! Why, the people of this country must be made aware of this mighty task! One such as I may even be praised for my valiant efforts!" And so, because the tailor was totally right about everything he just said, he completed the shirt he had been working on and stitched his boast in large letters on the center: SEVEN IN ONE BLOW.
……
"That sounds like Saionji, all right," Utena muttered. "He would be proud for swatting flies. And Anthy would probably be upset about it."
"That's the one thing I was never able to understand about her," Wakaba stated. "Generally she's a nice girl, but she literally wouldn't even harm a fly! Now why do you suppose that is? Even if she were in danger, she'd just let the poor creature live, even if it cost her own life!"
"Maybe," Utena whispered; she didn't want to think about Anthy being in danger. "But getting back to the story, how did so many people react to what the tailor did? Did any of them ever find out the truth?"
"You'll find out in a second!" Wakaba exclaimed brightly.
……
The next day, Saionji—I mean, the tailor—took the day off, because he had been working very hard and needed some fresh air and sunshine. No sooner had he circled the block did dozens of people crowd around, noticing the words sewn on his shirt. "Seven in one blow!" they exclaimed. "What do you suppose it means?"
"I think it means he slew seven warriors!"
"Maybe it's seven dragons!"
"Or seven giants!"
"Do you think…seven psychotic ninja mutant porcupines who shoot bees from their mouth and lightning from their ass?"
……
"Wakaba!!"
"Sorry," she giggled, "I'm just playing. Anyway, by the end of the day, the whole town had heard of this accomplishment, and wondered what it meant. The brave little tailor was very careful not to tell anyone, because as soon as his secret was discovered, he knew he'd stop being so popular. It wasn't that he had killed seven of anything in one blow—it was the mystery, and nothing keeps people on their toes like a mystery!"
"But somebody had to find out eventually, didn't they?"
"Well…"
……
When word got around to the King, he sent for this tailor at once. The King was very impersonal and had very little to do with his subjects, but a man who could slay seven of anything in one blow deserved his attention. Saionji was so beau…uh, I mean the tailor was beautiful when he went to see the King, and I think the King noticed it too!
"Saionji," said the King, "I see you claim to be some great warrior. My kingdom is in need of great warriors, for there is an evil giant that lives here who nobody is brave enough to stand up against! Will you go and battle him?"
"Yes, King Touga!" replied the tailor boldly. (Yes, Utena, the King was Touga. Is that a problem?) "Because I am so great and mighty, I will go and kill this giant, and any others you have to throw at me! Then I will come back and have hot steamy man-on-man sex with you!" (Oh be quiet, Utena, and let me tell you the story the way I want to!) He then set out at once to confront the evil giant! Along the way, he used his sharp wit and good looks to bring happiness and fortune to all those he encountered! Well…I won't get into the details, but trust me, it was all heroic!!
Many days later, after he made a name for himself in the kingdom, the brave little tailor finally met the giant! But this was no ordinary giant—it was a giant female cow! (No, it wasn't Nanami! It was, uh…Ronnie! Yeah, Ronnie the cow!) The giant cow, who was very evil and ugly, roared at the dashing hero and attacked him. "Seven in one blow?!" she screamed. "Just who do you think you are!!" But Saionji was too fast for her! Swish-swish, with a mighty blow he destroyed the giant! (Be quiet, Utena! Who knows this story better, you or me?)
All right, if you want the truth, here it is—but my version's better! "Let's have a contest of skill," Saionji suggested. "If you can beat me at three games, then you can eat me up whole. But if I win, you have to give me a treasure." The giant cow didn't think she'd lose, being so enormous, and so she agreed. Boy, that was a dumb mistake!
"First," said the tailor, "let's try squeezing water out of a rock. Please, you go first, my good lady." The cow chose a very large boulder and crushed it with her mighty weight, but only a slim trickle of water came out, probably left there by condensation. The tailor then pulled out a large chunk of cheese from his jacket and squeezed it hard, until milk came pouring out!
"There you have it!" he exclaimed. Mmm, Saionji slathered with milk. Ahhh… Oh! Where was I? Oh yeah! Then he said: "You squeezed water from a rock, but I have milk! Isn't that proof enough of my skill?"
"Not so fast!" said the cow. "There are two games left. What's your second one?"
"Oh, this one you should win with no problem," he said, looking so dashing. He told the cow that they were going to have a throwing contest, and whoever could throw a rock the highest in the air would win. The cow took a little stone nearby and flung it up so high that it almost didn't come down. But eventually it did, and wicked old Nanam—um, I mean, the cow laughed. "Beat that!" she said—but the heroic tailor was already a step ahead of her! He pulled a little pigeon from his pouch and threw it into the air, and of course the pigeon flew up and didn't come back down.
By now the giant cow was aghast, and rightfully so! She was up against Saionji, after all! (Yes, yes, we all know he's really a tailor. Don't interrupt me so much, Utena!) After calming down, she agreed to the third and final game! Uhh, but since I don't remember what that was, let's just say that Saionji won that part and beat the giant! Hey, don't give me that look, Utena! It's been awhile since I heard the whole story!
Anyway, the giant cow explained to the tailor that her treasure was in a cave, but before he could go back, he needed to bring firewood, and asked the tailor for help. In the end, the giant cow chopped down a great tree, and had the tailor carry it back with her. Once again, Saionji proved to be the smartest man alive, and suggested the giant pick up the trunk, which would be easier, while he took the branches, which would be far more difficult. And since Nanami's such a fool, she went for it, all the time not suspecting a thing! Cute little Saionji rode on the branches the whole way, and with the weight of the trunk on her shoulders, the giant cow couldn't peek around to see if the tailor was really carrying the tree or not. In this way, they made it to the giant's cave.
Instead of treasure, though, there must've been at least three other giants there waiting for them. But they weren't just any giants, they were giant elephants: Suzuki, Yamada, and Tanaka! After bringing the tree in, Nanami the evil giant cow introduced them to the tailor, and whispered her evil thoughts to them! But Saionji was way too smart to be taken in by them, and so he devised a new plan to outsmart them! Soon night fell, and his plan went into motion as each giant went to sleep.
Saionji…you wouldn't believe it…but he poisoned every single one of them in their sleep and came out with trophies all around!!! Okay, so that's not what really happened: he actually threw his voice around and made like the giants were arguing amongst themselves, until a huge fight broke out that sent the world shaking! The giants ended up killing themselves, and Saionji was the victor for real this time! (Yes, Utena, that's really how the story goes. I'm not making it up!)
With proof of his victory in hand, Saionji returned to the king, more a hero now than before! Touga never expected that this humble little tailor could defeat one giant, much less four, but the proof was right there before him! After having beautiful man-sex for a week straight, Touga crowned Saionji his Vice-King and they lived happily ever after!
Okay, okay, I'll tell you what really happened. You're so boring, Utena! Touga did reward Saionji, but he gave him his daughter's hand in marriage instead. "Anyone who can complete so valiant a task deserves to be king when I am gone," he said, although I'm sure they would've made a better couple. But I digress. Eventually Saionji and the princess were married, and for awhile everything was happy. What was the princess' name? How should I know?
But something changed one night. After giving the princess the greatest sex of her life, again, the two fell asleep and dreamed of many things. The princess suddenly awoke, though, and began to hear her husband whispering. "Finish stitching this cloak, boy, or I'll box your ears!" he said, and a whole lot of other things tailors say to their apprentices. What a shocker! The princess had married a common little tailor! She felt ashamed, and so the next day, she told the guards all about this (see, this is why I didn't make myself the princess. I'll have Saionji no matter what he is!). They secretly plotted to kill him while he slept, but even then, our heroic tailor was able to escape death and come out triumphant.
That night, after giving his startled wife even better sex than before, the two fell asleep—but Saionji only pretended! Once he felt the guards were outside his door, he pretended to snore and talk in his sleep, making sure he was loud enough to be heard. "Oh my!" he exclaimed, "Seven in one blow, seven in one blow. Were they devils, or dragons, or great warriors? What if they were samurai? Did I kill seven samurai in one blow?"
Meanwhile…"HET-CHOO!!"
"Gesundheit," Shichiroji said. Heihachi sniffled and wiped his nose.
"Thanks."
And now, the story!"Ugh, I'll never tell," Saionji said, pretending to talk in his sleep. "But that's not all. I committed acts of heroism across the land. I squeezed milk from a rock. I threw up a stone and it never came down. I lifted a redwood on my shoulders. I killed four giants and presented them to the king, and right now I can sense the guards standing right out my door! I hope they're not going to harm me, the man who killed seven in one blow…"
Needless to say, nobody ever bothered the heroic tailor again after that day. And his wife, of course, had no complaints either.
……
"The end!" Wakaba exclaimed, finally finished with the story. Utena didn't exactly look impressed, but at least she gave Wakaba credit for trying.
"That was…interesting," she admitted. "But are you sure that's accurate?"
"Certainly!" Wakaba stated. "Whaddya take me for, some embellisher? Anyway, that's pretty much the whole story. You gonna try out for it?"
"Nah, I think I'll pass. It seems all the best roles are already taken."
"Hey, I had to give the characters a more familiar touch! That way, we could both understand the perspective more. Anyway, I'm not going to try out either—I'm way too busy."
"Why?" Utena said, smiling cutely. "You going on a date?"
"Actually, yes, I am. Thanks for asking."
"Oh, who with? Saionji?"
"No," she whispered, hanging her bashful head. "Actually, I… It's with Juri. I'm going out with Juri."
Pause. Blink-blink.
"BWWWWAAAAAAAHHHH??!!
"Don't shriek!" Wakaba begged her. "We really became close after the last few stories. She's…I don't know how to describe her, but Juri…she can be very…how shall I put it?"
"Standoffish?" Utena offered.
"No, more like…unexpected. There's a lot I didn't really…expect from her. She really…well, I'm almost saying too much. But she asked and I agreed, and so we're going out. Don't wait up for me."
"Oh, I won't. But I thought you liked Saionji."
"Well," she blushed, tittering slightly, "ya gotta keep an open mind and an open heart these days. Setting one path in front of you is not my way of living! Besides, he'll probably audition—and I made her a promise."
"Oh." Utena smiled softly and squeezed her friend's shoulder. "Well, just so long as you're happy and you have a good time, that's all that matters to me. Although I never suspected it'd be with Juri, I'm still right behind you."
"You're the best!" Wakaba squealed, tackling her friend one last time before running off. Utena sighed and contemplated what she had just heard. Wakaba with Juri? Now she wished she knew the other woman better, although admittedly, it wasn't as if she had never tried before. Maybe her most precious friend could do what she could not, and reach into that impenetrable barrier to find a heart of solid gold.
……
Three days later, the cast for "The Brave Little Tailor" was set.
Saionji, unfortunately, did not get the lead. That went to Miki.
And the princess? Oh come on, guess.
"It's Kozue," Miki grumbled as he read the playbill. "Kozue is going to be my wife in the production. Mitsuru is the giant, Nanami's friends are the other giants, Shiori's the king…this is crazy!"
"I don't think so," Kozue chirped, darting in behind him. Miki jumped in surprise and ran away.
"That's it, I quit! I'm not committing twincest on the stage!"
"Nuu, Miki, come back! And after all the people I paid off so you could be the lead! Come BAAAACK!!!"
"It's nice to see everything's back to normal," said Shadow Girl C-ko.
"Yes, the world is at peace once again," replied Shadow Girl F-ko.
"Please stay tuned for the next chapter!" C-ko said.
"It's got action, adventure, romance, and full-frontal nudity!" F-ko added.
"Oh my! Do we really want the readers to know that? Should they know, should they know, should they really, really know?"
finis