"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"
Absolute Destiny Apocalypse Now.
Teen Four: The Fat Lady Singeth
ACT ONEA fierce storm was raging. The great free hero, Miki Kaoru, was being pursued by enemies. After plunging through the rain and wind, he stumbled across a peculiar house, built around the trunk of a mighty ash tree. He banged on the door until it opened, then toppled inside, weary and soaked to the bone. A beautiful maiden was inside to greet him; the lady drew the poor stranger into her arms and shut the door.
"What has happened? Who are you, and what were you doing out in the storm?" she cried. Miki regained a measure of consciousness and looked into her eyes, seeing something familiar and kind.
"Miki," he whispered, "my name is Miki. I am running from my enemies. Please, I beg of you to shelter me until this storm is over!"
"I am Kozue," she said. "As long as the poor weather and your wounds remain, you shall be our guest. My husband Saionji is out hunting; he shall return in several hours." Without hesitation, she removed his clothes and set the wet rags to dry over a fire, then she fed him soup and bread until he fell asleep in her bed. While caring for this unknown wanderer, Kozue fell hopelessly in love with him, and an irresistible attraction sprang up in Miki's heart.
"Must it?!" he cried out suddenly. "The Star Wars parody was bad enough! Do I really have to go through with this again?"
"O stranger, you're wounded so terribly!" Kozue cried, subduing him quickly. She then hissed, "And you're breaking the fourth wall! Stay in character, Miki!"
"Easier said than done with this script," he muttered. But Miki did as he was supposed to, and so the two fell even deeper in love—that is, until Kozue's abusive and brutal husband, Saionji, returned home. Bum-bum-bum!!
"Kozue!" he exclaimed as he observed her caring for the stranger. "Who is this man, and why are you rubbing lotion over his hot, sweaty, scarred, naked chest?"
"His name is Wehwalt, son of Wolfe," she replied saucily, "and he was running away from many powerful enemies. If you want to dump him back outside, you may want to wait until it stops raining and he's healed. Even you aren't that brutal."
"Very well," he replied. "But I would like to hear his entire story once he's recovered."
"I don't feel like it," Miki grumbled.
"Please?" Kozue begged, running her hand over his bare skin. Poor Miki turned red and gulped.
"If you insist!" he squeaked. "I grew up in the forest with my parents and twin sister. One day I discovered that marauders had burned down my house, killed my mother, and kidnapped my sister. Later, I was separated from my father, and I never saw him again. When I was growing up alone, I've always tried to mix in with other people, but I was never accepted. Right now I'm running away from a clan whom I found trying to marry a woman to a man she didn't love. I killed his brothers, but lost my weapons while I was running off."
"You bastard!" Saionji screamed and clutched Miki's neck. "I was a member of that clan! I swear to you, once you're rested up, I'm going to avenge the people you killed! Pray tis' a long recovery! Bwahahahahaaaa!"
"You're taking this a bit overboard, Saionji," Kozue muttered.
"I know," he giggled as he left them alone. With this threat of doom looming over his head, Miki cried out to his father, who had promised that in the hour of his greatest need, he would find a legendary sword "somewhere". Hearing his cries, Kozue felt compelled to reveal her own story: when she was being wedded to Saionji, a mysterious stranger had appeared to fight for her honor. As he escaped, he plunged a sword into the trunk of the tree that surrounded their house.
"You must be my savior!" she exclaimed. "The man who fought for my honor, and left behind his weapon, only to be retrieved later at this very moment! Who'd'a thunk it, huh? Now go outside and get that sword back!"
"But my wounds," he murmured. Kozue suddenly leaped onto him and smothered him with kisses. "All right, all right, I'm going! This is me rising to get my sword!"
"I'd say you already have a sword," she purred. Miki blushed and scurried outside, where sure enough, a magical blade was resting in the tree (no, not in Anthy this time either). As the sun crept over the horizon, all the forest in its springtime glory unfolded, and the love between the two became unbearable. Kozue finally revealed herself as his own twin sister—but we knew that, right? Miki drew out the sword, and with the glory of it all shining down upon him, the siblings fell into a passionate embrace.
"Nope," he insisted, "that's not going to happen. I refuse to work under these conditions! I'm leaving."
"But Miki…" Kozue tried to pull him back, but he had made his decision and had already left. For awhile, the poor girl felt lonely and discarded, but then she remembered that Miki had an understudy, a backup, and they would be coming along any moment to pick up where the original hero had left off.
Kozue's eyebrows raised in interest as she noticed Shiori taking her brother's place.
"You?" she said. Shiori smiled warmly.
"Yes, it's me. I hope you don't mind."
"No," Kozue purred, "not at all." The scene resumed and Kozue and Shiori fell into a passionate embrace, while Miki went out to buy donuts.
ACT TWOKnowing that love between twins (or in this case, two girls) never worked out in the end, Shiori and Kozue ran off to hide in the mountains, away from Saionji. Meanwhile, in Valhalla (this is based off a Wagner opera, mind), the All-Father Touga summoned his eldest daughter, the Valkyrie Anthy, to prepare for battle!
"What battle is that, my father and lord?" she asked.
"We must help Miki—I mean, Shiori—kill Saionji so that their lesbian affair can last forever!"
"Oh goody!" she exclaimed, then ran off to do whatever Valkyries do before a big fight. Of course, there's always somebody around to ruin the fun, and (as it was in this situation), that somebody was usually Nanami. She was glad to be playing the part of a goddess, but hated the idea of going against her own brother.
"Big brother—I mean, my lord Touga, I am the guardian of marriage! How could you let Kozue sink so low? First incest, then adultery, and now Sapphic delights? You've allowed every base to be covered in no less than five minutes!"
"Hey, what can I say?" he grinned. "When you put Utena and Wagner together, everything's more fun."
"You're disgusting!" she declared, very hypocritical. "Do something! You're compelled to punish Miki—I mean, Shiori, for her wicked deeds! Kill her! And…wound Kozue! Also, Anthy cannot help in the fight against Saionji!"
"You're a buzz-kill," he grumbled. Nanami snorted and vanished, and that was the end of her. She was right, however: Touga had made the laws, and he was bound by them. Shiori was not a true "free hero"; her entire life had been preordained by Touga himself. He summoned Anthy again and briefly explained everything that was going on at the time (it's really quite a long and fascinating story. If you ever have the chance to look into the background of the Ring of Nibelung Trilogy, I urge you strongly): basically a power-struggle involving magic rings and giants, dragons and Valkyries, and all that cool Norse mythological crap. Then he told Anthy what he was being forced to do, but she was reluctant to step aside.
"Shiori is truly in love with her sister!" she cried. "Can we do nothing for them?"
"I'm sorry, but if I have to do this, then so do you. Now begone!" Terrified, Anthy withdrew sadly, and darkness covered Touga's heart.
Meanwhile (still with me?), Kozue and Shiori return from their long tryst in the mountains, half-crazy with fear (you know how lesbians get). While Kozue fell into a deep sleep, Anthy appeared and approached Shiori, announcing her death at the hands of Touga, the All-Father. Bummer.
"So that's why Miki didn't want to go through with this," she murmured.
"There's no need to despair, though," Anthy assured her. "When you die, you will be received among the heroes of Valhalla for your deeds."
"Not without Kozue!" Shiori exclaimed. "I love her more than eternity."
"Unbelievable!" Anthy whispered. "To value love over everlasting bliss!"
"Hey, we lesbians are just that cool." Suddenly, Kozue began talking in her sleep, murmuring her fear of Saionji, her everlasting love for Shiori, and most shockingly, her unexpected pregnancy.
"Oh my!" Anthy squealed. "Is Kozue going to have a child?"
"How'd that happen?" Shiori muttered. "Well, umm, this is…really strange. I could've sworn it was impossible for me to get my, uh, 'sister' pregnant. But ah well, what better than a living symbol of our love!"
"No, you're supposed to kill her in a fit of despair!" Anthy whispered. Shiori screamed out a refusal and clung even tighter to Kozue, wailing real tears of sorrow. It was clear that not everything was an act, and this moved Anthy beyond what the script called for: she vowed to support them both in spite of the trouble it would bring.
Not long after, Saionji found them all, and the preordained battle between himself and Shiori commenced. While they fought terribly, Touga suddenly intervened, whirling Gungnir before him. He cruelly shattered Shiori's magical sword and stepped aside as Saionji plunged his weapon deep into her heart, Kozue screaming all the way (she's not quite dead, folks!). Acting quickly, Anthy gathered up the pieces of the sword and hastily led Kozue to safety, though her efforts would be in vain. To demonstrate just how much a bad-ass he was, Touga had but to glare at Saionji, and the evil man was dead. Quickly he hurried after Anthy to exact punishment for her deeds…
Leaving Shiori behind.
"Damn," she whispered, "Miki's going to pay for this! I only had one lousy love scene and a few lines, and then I get killed by the jerk husband of my lover? This sucks. Where is he, anyway?"
Meanwhile…"Mmm, sprinkles!"
Bum-bum-bumm!!!
ACT THREE("Ride of the Valkyries" plays)
Eight of the nine Valkyries gathered together on a rocky mountaintop, where they prepared to take the bodies of fallen heroes to Valhalla (it's not important to know their names). As they swooped down on their mighty flying horses to harvest the souls, Anthy appeared with Kozue, seeking their assistance. The Valkyries, unaffected by the same conflicting emotions that were grappling their eldest sister, refused to defy Touga. Feeling defeated but unwilling to give up, Anthy gave Kozue hope in a prophecy:
"The child you are carrying shall become the noblest hero in the world, and you shall name her Utena."
"Yeah, that really calmed my nerves," muttered the poor girl. Anthy quickly gave Kozue the shattered remains of Shiori's sword and advised her to take refuge in a vast forest to the east, where a dragon guarded treasure and Touga would not follow. Feeling quite unenthused, Kozue nonetheless parted, muttering to herself the whole while: Miki had the right idea, Miki left at the right time, things are too weird even for this anime. With Kozue in a safe place, all that was left to do was confront Touga and beg his mercy—and here he was!
"I really do love this role," he sighed upon entrance. "King of the Gods definitely suits me. Well, Anthy, what do you have to say for yourself? You've disobeyed me and interfered with fate itself. Do you know what I'm going to do? I'll banish you from Valhalla, strip your divinity away, and put you to sleep on hard stone, until you become enslaved to the first person who finds you. Hahahahaha!!"
"Nooooo!!!" Like the true sisters they were, the eight Valkyries scattered, leaving Anthy to handle her fate herself. Kneeling to the ground, lowering her head, she prepared to beg her lord and father for mercy.
"Hear me out! Your true wishes, milord, were to assist those worthy souls in their endeavor—for Shiori and Kozue were your children by birth, and you couldn't help but be moved by their love! Were it not for Nanami's intervention, you would've done the exact same thing! Have reason, milord! I was only trying to carry out your true wishes! Besides, I pitied their predicament, and I too was moved by their love."
"Ahh," Touga sighed, his anger calmed and his heart moved. He embraced Anthy and kissed her forehead. "You've touched me, my dear. I must still punish you, but because I nearly committed the same deeds, I shall move all the worlds to offer you forgiveness. As you sleep, no ordinary man shall awake you, but look for a hero to set you free! And now, goodnight, and forgive me my daughter!" Touga kissed Anthy on her eyes softly, plunging her into a profound sleep. He then summoned the god of fire to surround the sleeping Valkyrie with a ring of magical flames, which only a true hero could penetrate. He then left Anthy, his heart heavy, and ascended into Asgard to await the next movement…
The End"Hey, is that it?!" Shiori blurted. "It just ends like that? What kind of horrible cop-out is that?"
"Well, it is part of a much larger trilogy," Anthy replied. "In the next part, Utena rouses me from my slumber, and we challenge the gods together as lovers united!"
"Which pretty much sums up the anime, too," Touga muttered.
"I still can't believe we condensed a four-hour opera into five pages!" Miki exclaimed.
"Yeah," Kozue said, "but who wants to sit and watch a bunch of fat women in Valkyrie helmets singing in German for four hours?" Suddenly, a fat woman in a Valkyrie helmet began to sing at the top of her lungs, meaning that, according to Yogi Berra, this story was now complete.
"That's the worst ending ever!" Juri screamed. Naturally, everyone told her to shut up.
Stay tuned for the next installment!
Take my Revolution…please.