"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"
Surgeon General's Warning: may contain trace amounts of sanity. Consult your doctor before reading.
Who's counting?: Mostly About Clamshell Bras
Once upon a time, there was a little mermaid princess named Shiori, and she was the most beautiful maiden in the entire sea. Unfortunately, she was cursed with an evil clamshell bra, so that whenever she had an impure thought, she was forced to perform a humiliating song-and-dance routine for everyone to see! The story behind the curse is quite a long one, and nobody would be interested in it at all, save that it was focused on a clamshell brassiere that our heroine was forced to wear. Anyway, Shiori was naturally quite a good person because of this curse, but every once in awhile, she would slip and have to pay the penalty.
One fine day, as she was swimming through the endless ocean, a shark came up right next to her and gobbled up one of her little fish-friends (she had a lot). Infuriated, Shiori let out a full string of curse words, but barely got a syllable out before the magic of her clamshell bra went into affect.
"Noo!" she screamed, "Not in front of the shark!!"
I'm swimming underwater without a single careBut perverts are lurking round and they sure do like to stare
Undressing me with their evil eyes, they wonder what lies beneath
They'll never know, I don't wanna show,
If I catch them I'll kick them to the bottom of the sea!"Ugh, that was awful," she groaned. "But what's worse is that my anger was justified this time. A shark ate my best friend!"
"Shiori," said Anthy, swimming up from below, "your best friend was a tuna. There are billions of them in the sea."
"But this one was special! And now he's gone forever! Ohh, I'm so mad! I wish a poacher would come along and…oh no! Not again!"
Don't ask me how I ovulateDon't inquire about my naughty bits
Please don't wonder where I get er' done
And make no question about my evening fun
I'm a mermaid, see, I'm nobody but me
And if I hear you saying those awful things,
I'll rip out your eyes and kick you in your ding!"This has to stop!" she cried. "Eventually I won't even make sense! I'll just start rapping! And you all know how much I hate…oh no! Wait! That's just my opinion! I can't even have an opinion anymore? Oh no, here it comes!!"
Yo lil' homies I'm Shiori GI'm the biggest frakkin master underneath the sea
I'll steal your girl and pop you in the eye
I'll smash your bones and make you wanna cry
Yo don't disrespect me I'm the queen down here
If ya mofos don't like it then y'all are queer!
Yeah! Okay! What? Dig it, homes!"Somebody kill me," she groaned. Suddenly, a motor-powered boat flew overhead, chopping manatees up by the truckload! And then an oil barge crashed, spilling its cargo everywhere! Of course, Shiori was spared these horrible fates, because that would just be too easy for her. After swearing vociferously, she instantly moved into her next song-and-dance routine, which was the worst by far.
Mother (bleep) gonna (bleep) on yo mama's (bleep)
(bleep) (bleep) pencil in yo daddy's (bleep)
Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit yo (bleep) (bleep) down!
Get down, get down, get yo (bleep) (bleep) down!
(bleep) (bleep) evil duck (bleep) (bleep) Spock!
Rancid (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) paste!"Oh my goodness!" Anthy exclaimed, blushing horribly. "It's a good thing that those censors were there. Otherwise this would not be suitable for children!"
"Nobody's reading anyway," Shiori muttered. "We'd better get on with the main story. Otherwise this will turn into a musical, and what would be worse than a musical about mermaids and their clamshell bras?"
……
Shiori's life, as harmonious as it was (ducks thrown objects), remained constant until one dark day, when the surface world turned into a torrential nightmare. A storm brewed above, and while life in the ocean remained invulnerable to the tempest, there was a sailing ship bearing the entirety of its burden. Curious, Shiori ascended to the top, where waves concluded sharply to the vast unconquerable sky; where needles of water flicked her skin and curtains of waves rolled and fumed in fury. The vessel was so near she could almost read the name it had been given, and soon she was forced to submerge, or risk being smashed apart by the boat's drunken rocking.
Surfacing once again, this time at a distance, Shiori observed the titan submit to Neptune's whims. Creatures with only two legs—people they were called—tumbled out of the boat's grasp, some screaming while others keeping their tongue. Her eyes focused on one particularly brave sailor who made daring dashes to those in greatest danger: he pulled them away from the sea's throat and anchored them onto floating debris, all through the night until his own limbs failed him. Such heroism touched Shiori's heart, and she rushed over to save him. His fellow-sailors called out to him in the dark squall but were unable to find him, since Shiori had no intention of surrendering him over to them anyway. She wanted to speak to this brave man alone.
As the bleak sky rolled away to make room for dawn, the familiar sound of crashing waves and singing gulls invigorated the cursed little mermaid with a new sense of awe. She had been swimming with the sailor all night and was nearly spent, but now at last she had the strength to toss him to safety. The sun finally crept up from the horizon just as he was catching his first few breaths ashore, and she crawled up with him, her great fin struggling, her lavender hair dripping in her face. He coughed and groaned…and then a ray of light struck his face.
He, apparently, was a she.
"Juri?" she whispered. A roll of the eyes later, "Figures. Um, I mean, what a brave soul this is, and so…uh…handsome too!" Then, in a stage-whisper, "(Psst! Isn't this supposed to be Touga? I'm supposed to be pining over a prince here!)"
"(Juri is a prince!)" Saionji replied from backstage.
"(You know what I mean!)" Shiori screeched. "(I need a MAN! Or at least someone besides Juri! How predictable is that?")
"(Just go with it!)" Saionji whispered. "(And stop breaking the fourth wall!)" Shiori rolled her eyes one more time before finally submitting to her fate.
"Dearest prince," Shiori murmured, caressing the man's (?) face, "if only you and I could live together—but alas, I have a curse placed on my only article of clothing, and you, my dearest, are not accustomed to the waves. Of course, I could always take this thing off—oh no! That wasn't a bad thought! That doesn't count! That doesn't count!!"
Loneliness is always by my sideLove is just something I can't abide
But maybe love, you'll do me good
If only the rest of us understood"Blecch, country! If I keep going like this, the prince will wake. I'd better give him a kiss before he runs away in revulsion." And so Shiori placed her mouth on Juri's sea-salt lips, perhaps enjoying it too much for her own good. Slowly, the noble prince (?) opened his (?) eyes, beholding the blurred image of a goddess come to save him (okay, HER. Happy?) Groaning and coughing, she managed to whisper but a few words.
"Rubber…baby buggy…bumpers…"
Which, of course, was not something any maiden wants to hear. Shiori got so mad that the curse took affect, again, throwing her into her most embarrassing moment yet.
I feel gay, I feel glad, I'm not unhappy and I'm not madThe world's in hand, and I'm super
I feel just like an Iranian trooper
Because the sun is out, I can sing mightily
Because the sky is blue, I can laugh
Because the world is here, I can love everything
And now, my love's for you!
I feel great, I feel swell, I feel just like William Tell"Waitaminute, what does feeling like William Tell have to do with anything? Who wrote these awful lyrics, anyway?"
"Nanami, most likely," Juri muttered. Temporarily forgetting that she was still mostly unconscious, she sat up and, with no effort at all, straightened her hair so that it was perfect once more. Noticing her dripping, drooping savior, Juri hugged her knees to her chest and gave Shiori a knowing smirk. "So, a clamshell bra, huh?"
"Shut up, Juri."
……
Because Shiori could not be part of Juri's world (ducks more thrown objects), she decided that she would do anything to change this fate—so naturally, she went to see an evil sorceress who would probably screw her over. But hey, this is a fairy tale; people do this sort of thing all the time. Anyway, this evil sorceress just happened to be Kozue, and she just happened to be the one responsible for cursing Shiori's clamshell bra, and now she was determined to do everything she could to make her life even more miserable. Our heroine didn't know any of this, of course, but now you do, all thanks to the plot police!
Meanwhile…"If it cannot break out of its shell…"
No matter how many times he tried, Touga couldn't open the pickle jar.
"Then I'll starve!" he wailed, sobbing miserably. "Can somebody please open this for me? I'm begging you! I have to have my pickle fix!"
"Oh brother," Nanami groaned, "I'm so ashamed! Brought down by a pickle!"
"He apparently needs them to stay in character," Saionji grumbled. "I was rather surprised when I found out. At first I thought I had gained an advantage over him, but now Touga is too pathetic even for me."
"Please!" Kiryuu begged again, looking all around him for assistance. "Anybody! Miki, how about you? Saionji, dearest of all friends? Nanami, won't you help your brother out?"
"Fine!" she screamed, "Just to get this ordeal over with. Now hand me that jar!"
"Oh, thank you!" he wailed, giving it to her with his thanks. Nanami snapped her fingers…
"Mitsuru!" And the little boy wonder was there in a flash. With but a few turns, he was able to release Touga's secret treat, and with this action, became King of Camelot and Lord of the Knights of the Round Table.
And now, back to the half-naked fish-girls!"…and with this mysterious pendant, you will be able to seduce the prince and live happily ever after!"
"Oh, thank you so much!" Shiori exclaimed, giving the evil sea-witch a hug. "I'm so glad. If you hadn't explained to me what exactly I needed to do and what this thing was for, I would never be able to accomplish my ridiculous goals!"
"Of course you wouldn't!" Kozue sang, her voice wickedly sweet. "Now don't forget the 'arrangement' we made! It's the most important part of the contract. If you forget, Shiori, then you're screwed."
"Don't worry, you told it to me already. Now off I go to seduce Juri!" She swam away carelessly, leaving Kozue behind to, of course, cackle madly.
"Mwahahahaha! Foolish girl! I can't believe she fell for my ruse twice! Of course, evil will always triumph because good is dumb! Bwahahahahaha, and such."
Bum-bum-bumm!!!
The story from here on out gets kind of boring, and has little or nothing to do with clamshell bras or random bursts of song. Basically, what happens is that Shiori turns into a human and loses her voice, but she finds Juri anyway and tries to get into her heart. But of course, since she was "supposed" to be mostly unconscious during their first meeting, Juri doesn't recognize Shiori, although she is smitten by her. They have a few romantic scenes together, but a few days before the spell wears off (you were expecting a spell like this to be permanent?), Shiori discovers Juri in the arms of another woman (I'll just skip the details and say it's Wakaba).
Shiori knew that her character wouldn't react well to this news, but she as a person didn't know how to respond at all. Should she honestly be jealous, as character dictates, and lash out in anger and sorrow? Should she be happy for Juri, her oldest friend, and find joy in this new love? What about relief? The chains around Juri's heart are gone, and the chain, the one she voluntarily hung herself on day after day—well, it now had a new picture in it, a prettier one, an image void of everything Shiori was. Maybe Shiori could've felt sorrow, for losing the only love she really had…but more than likely, she was confused. I mean, really! Juri and Wakaba? Talk about left field!
In any case, this is where the story draws to its tragic conclusion. The noble sailor, the love of Shiori's life, was soon married to her new sweetheart, and Shiori was there to dance away her final hours. That evening, as the spell wore off, Shiori honestly began to cry, and wished that for once, she could sing again, even if it was humiliating. But her wish was not granted, and the doomed woman cast herself into the sea, where she became foam and bubbles, never to be seen again.
Well, not exactly. That ending sucks.
"What the…" Shiori gasped as her body returned to her, flippers and clamshell bra and all, and the rushing sensation intensified as she felt herself pulled away from the surface into the deep, where the evil sorceress resided. Kozue glared nastily at her victim, curling fingers around her chin as all villains tend to do.
"Surprised?" she sang. "Well you should be. I told you what would happen if you failed to seduce your fair princess. Now you must pay the penalty, you silly little fish-girl!"
"You never told me anything!" Shiori argued (temporary relieved to have her voice back). "We just skipped over it during the scene break and assumed the rest. But now that I'm here, what will happen now that I've failed?"
"Oh, nothing special," Kozue chirped. "You just have to become my sex-slave for all eternity!"
"BWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH????!!!!"
Shiori's expression calmed in a disturbingly short period.
"Are you serious? That actually sounds pretty good. Gee, I went through all that trouble for nothing!"
"Apparently so. Dearest Shiori, the truth is…I've been hopelessly in love with you forever! Yet I was filled with so much jealousy, I cursed your clamshell bra and led you on that horrible quest, all to psychologically torture you! I just couldn't bear to see you with anybody else. Please forgive me, my darling!"
"Well," Shiori muttered to herself, "I guess this is karma. Now I know how Juri feels. Kozue, in the words of Humphrey Bogart, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!" Kozue squealed with delight, and somehow, the heroine ended up with the villain of the story. Not to end on such a strange note, Shiori felt it was high time for one final song. After all, she was having extremely impure thoughts right about now!
Today is the day that I start my new lifeI'm a sex slave to Kozue, and soon I'll be her wife!
Miki's sister's a Dominatrix, and I'm her willing Gimp
Someday down the road, I hope she'll be my pimp!
Things are going special, things are really neat
I love it when my Mistress treats me like raw meat
Blindfolds and ball gags, whips and muzzles too
Nothing else is sacred, cuz everything we do
Is for love is for love is for love is for love
Everything's for love
Is for love is for love is for love is for love
I'm Kozue's sex-slave for love!
Oh, Mistress Kozue! Punish me again! Mess with my brain!
I'm yours forever, darling! This is what I want you to do with me!
(bleep) (bleep) pie, (bleep) (bleep) extension cord
(bleep) salad dressing, (bleep) Luchador mask (bleep)
Pull the (bleep) against (bleep), and don't (bleep) on my (bleep)
(bleep) (bleep) wheelbarrow (bleep) (bleep) sock!
You get the idea.
And now, the concluding rebuttal!
Miki: I can't believe my sister is dating another girl!
Nanami: Would you rather she date Touga?
Utena: I'm surprised you're not freaking out about her being a closet Dominatrix.
Miki: Umm…I already knew that.
Utena: Ooh, yikes. Wow. Um…whew! Miki, uh…yeah, ya know what, I'm not touching that.
Miki: Oh, why must everything be so messed up? Can't we have one normal moment?
Saionji: Dear Lord, no! What are you thinking, Miki? Oh, by the way, I'm suddenly very attracted to you and pregnant with Chu-Chu's baby.
Touga: I'm sleeping with the acting Headmaster, who's sleeping with his sister, who's sleeping with a mongoose.
Nanami: I'm going to "Animorphs Anonymous" meetings to cope with my habit of turning into other animals.
Anthy: I just have all kinds of swords stuck in my body.
Utena: I'm a prince! But I'm really a girl! I'm a girl prince! And I'm totally heterosexual, folks, except when I'm not!
Miki: Ugh. Maybe I should request a transfer to another anime. See you later, folks.
……
E-ko: Yes, and stay tuned for the next chapter.
F-ko: It's yet another swashbuckling epic saga, with real ghosts!
C-ko: Let's not forget how we break every taboo imaginable!
E-ko: So be there!
F-ko: Or be square!
C-ko: You won't regret it—we hope!