"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

All the stuff Disney was afraid to do.

Sweet Sixteen: Mysterious Flying Dutchman

When it rains, it pours, and few people know that better when they're in a storm. The vessel of the famous seafarer Akio Ohtori was currently twisted up in the wildest typhoon he had seen yet, and it took all the ship's crew just to make port and weather out the squall. As the seas continued to churn, Akio's crew hunkered down in the port inn for the night, leaving only the helmsman, Professor Cannon Fodder. Even this man could be weary, and in no time at all, he started to nod off and was soon fast asleep. As the entire crew slumbered, a second ship pulled into port: dark and sinister, with black masts and blood-red sails. The Captain of the ship was the only one who went ashore; an aura of foreboding darkness and adventure seemed to trail after her. It was the infamous Flying Dutchman, Nanami.

"Don't you mean Dutchwoman?" she said. Oh, yes, of course, how silly of me. Anyway, as the Dutchwoman was examining her surroundings, Captain Akio returned to check up on the helmsman. Seeing as how he was asleep, and cannon fodder, he instantly threw him overboard where he joined Mitsuru's legions of dead guards (remember, in the Aladdin spoof?). Then he met Nanami, a strange soul to be wandering around during a storm, and opened a conversation.

"Fair traveler, what is your business here? My own crew has just emerged from a terrible tempest, and they seek respite from their tribulation. You have the look of a woman of the sea, yet there is no weariness in your eyes."

"The weariness is all in my soul, friend," she answered. "For you see, I am the infamous Flying Dutchman! Hahaha! I blasphemed against God and now I am condemned to wander the oceans for eternity! Hohohoo! I am only allowed on shore once every seven years, so that I may find a man to love me selflessly and loyally. Hahahaha! I've not been able to succeed so far, and as these things tend to go, today is the very last day which I'm able to step on land. After that, I will be a slave for eternity! Heeheehee!"

"What's so funny?" Akio grumbled.

"Haven't you realized it yet?" she balked. "All this time I've been asking for a large part, and now I'm the title character! What other part could be more important? This will certainly boost my standing—mwahahahahahaaa!"

"The last laugh is on you, Nanami," Akio replied, trying not to giggle too cruelly. "The Flying Dutchman must have a woman if he's to be redeemed. You're going to have to partake in your very first lesbian scene."

"I…"

Pause. Twitch. Gulp.

…

Extra, extra!

Oh my, I finally found the magic lamp! Now to awaken the genie and get my wish!

O my master, I thank you for freeing me. I shall grant you a wish in exchange!

Ah, yes, I know exactly what it is I want! Let's see…I want to be a star!

Alakazam! Your wish has been granted! Thank you and have a nice day!

W-wait a minute, genie! I didn't ask for you to turn me INTO a star! Now I'm trapped up in the sky all day, forced to be part of some stupid constellation!

Well, that's what you get when you're not careful what you wish for.

Darn it! Why didn't I wish for money instead?

…

"I WHUUUUUUUUUUH??"

"Your first girl-girl scene. The Dutchman must have a woman."

"But I'm the woman!" Nanami shrieked. "I need the man to redeem me!"

"(So much for women's lib,)" Akio muttered to himself. "Well," he continued in a louder voice, "you have three options before you: you can either play along and hook up with a girl, or step aside and let someone else take your role, or…" He paused for dramatic affect, and changed his voice to one festering with grim darkness: "Or…you can wander the oceans forever, until End of the World destroys you and your crew."

"Oh," she squeaked. "Well, since you put it that way, I guess there's only one thing left to say."

"What's that?"

"Where all the white women at?!"

"Excellent!" he squealed, clapping his hands together smartly. "I'm glad to see you're cooperating! And as a matter of fact, I think I might know just the girl for you: my beautiful little sister, Anthy."

"You mean her? Do I have to? Can't I just pretend to go along with Yuko or one of them?"

"No, it has to be Anthy," he said sharply. "Nobody else was submissive enough to do it."

"Damn this anime and its liberal-minded feminists! All right," she barked, "I'll do it, but I'd better get well-compensated!" And so, with the agreement struck (sort of), Akio and Nanami told their crews to weigh anchor so they could sail to Ohtori's awaiting country…

…………

As all of this was happening, submissive little Anthy was singing away in her home, fantasizing about life on the high seas with the Flying Dutchman. Most people would've rebuked such a radical idea, but she was an excellent housekeeper and quite easy on the eyes too—and besides, the legend about the Dutchman wasn't real. It was all a fantasy, just as every girl there had their fantasies, and their own songs to sing. Even so, Anthy believed she'd be the one who freed the Dutchman from his curse, and nobody could talk her out of it.

While Anthy was singing and cleaning, the hunter Saionji, who loved Anthy, entered the room to announce the arrival of Akio, her brother. He had also overheard her fanciful song, and wanted to persuade her to think differently.

"Anthy," he said, taking her hands gently, "I boldly appeal to the love you once promised me. Weren't we engaged to be married once upon a time? You must not forget your vows, not a single one, though it has been many years since you made them."

"I don't remember making any such promises," she replied.

"Oh, Anthy," he moaned, "how feeble the human mind is! Your words are like rusty knives to me! Did you know, Anthy, that I had a most horrible dream about you? An omen, if you will, of doom and malice! Heed my words, gentle dove: I saw you sailing away with a monster, the ghostly Dutchman himself, and you disappeared into the dark void, never to be seen again."

"How exciting!" she exclaimed, throwing Saionji off-balance.

"You mean you're not filled with fear?"

"No," she replied, "I love my Dutchman. If I could sail away with him into the deep nether-regions of oblivion, I would be most happy indeed!"

"(Why does this sound like the end of the Utena movie?)" he muttered to himself. Feeling crestfallen that his beloved should respond in such away, poor Saionji trudged away to mope. No sooner was he gone than Akio appeared, Nanami in tow. At once, whether an act of destiny or some sacred unknown bond that always seemed to unite star-crossed lovers, the Dutchwoman and Anthy recognized each other at once, and fell in love at first sight.

"An exaggeration," Nanami grumbled, "but I'll do just about anything now. (Ahem!) Oh Anthy! You're simply so beautiful! I've heard so much about you from your brother, but words don't do you justice! I can see how you'd be able to redeem my lost soul!"

"Oh, hello Nanami. Would you care for some tea?"

"(Play along, wench!)" she snarled, gnashing her teeth together. Then, "Oho, what a wonderful lass you are! Don't you know who I am? I'm the mysterious Flying Dutchwoman, just like it says in the title."

"But the title character is a man," Anthy replied blithely. Nanami nearly burst a blood vessel.

"(I'm well aware of what it says!)" she growled. "(For the time being, I am the title character! You should be the one whose gender changed!)"

"This is all so very confusing," Anthy moaned, "but if that's the way things are, then that's the way things are. Um, but just a second—if you're going to become engaged to me, don't you need to duel Miss Utena first?"

"Who's that?" Nanami squealed, trying so hard to stay in character, bless her.

"You don't know? She's the one I'm engaged—"

"Anthy!" Akio exclaimed, just in the nick of time. "It seems you and Miss Nanami are getting along well. That's wonderful. I've arranged for the two of you to be married—even though you've just met—so I'm hoping to see this relationship continue!"

"Did you really arrange for our wedding, brother? Because I could've sworn that Miss Utena—"

"Yes, well, Nanami is your, umm…fiancée now, so be good to her."

"Oh." Things seemed to click in her mind, or at least they appeared to. "If you say so. Now, Miss Nanami," she said, taking the Dutchwoman's hand, "for everyone I am engaged to, I spend the night with them, so you'll have to come along with me."

"Wait! Spend the night? Does that mean what I think it does?!"

"I'm not sure. What do you think it means?" Nanami could certainly imagine.

"HELP MEEEEEEE!!!!"

…………

Word soon spread about the upcoming wedding, and Akio's sailors celebrated wildly because of it. They even tried getting Nanami's men to join their festivities, but to no avail (honestly, when was the last time you saw a bunch of damned sailors having fun? Without Johnny Depp, I mean). Meanwhile, hearing that his beloved was now betrothed to a stranger, Saionji increased his efforts to sway her heart…also to no avail.

"Please, Anthy, reconsider!" he exclaimed. "This is a person you've just met, and you're already dedicating your heart to him? We've known each other since we were children—we used to pretend like we were married so many times—you even promised we'd be wed when we were old enough. How could you forget all this?"

"I honestly don't remember doing any of that, Saionji," she replied. "I'm sorry, but my love is for Miss Nanami now."

"That actually makes it worse," he grumbled. "Normally you're all gaga over that tomboy Utena. What made you change your mind so easily?"

"My brother; he arranged everything. I was really in love with the Dutchman to begin with, so what does it matter who it is?"

"So you'd do whatever your brother tells you? Anthy, be reasonable, just for once! I know that's hard to do…" At that moment, as they were arguing, Nanami chanced to drift by and overheard what they were saying. She feared that Anthy's heart would soon waver, and was despondent for herself. If she could not find a person to love her without reservation, she was doomed—and now all her hopes were up for nothing! Dejected, she left the room, the house, and the town itself, making her final journey to port. Anthy, however, escaped from Saionji's grilling and went searching for her beloved; the wedding would start soon.

After nearly giving up the pursuit, Akio told her a startling tale: Nanami was on her ship, and the crew had been revealed as what they really were—teams of phantoms and spirits who were now headed for the infinite depths. Her heart overflowing with love and sorrow, Anthy rushed up to the highest precipice that overlooked the sea, and shouted at the top of her lungs for Nanami and the whole world to hear:

"Miss Nanami! Never believe for a moment that my heart will ever stray! It was my chosen destiny to save you from your cursed life, and so by this act I hope to prove to you my undying loyalty!" And with that, she leaped into the sea and perished, startling everyone. Naturally, Nanami didn't know what to say at first.

"Umm…how's killing herself going to prove anything?"

"It's an opera, stupid," said Juri, who appeared suddenly. "You should know by now that nothing anybody does in an opera will ever make sense. Just go along with it."

"Shut up, Juri." Now that she had seen Anthy's love in action (sort of), Nanami's soul was freed at last, and she and her beloved rose up in the heavens, together at last for all eternity.

THE END

"Hey!" Saionji screamed. "That was even worse than the Valkyrie ending! I mean…what the freaking hell!?"

"Umm…yeah," Akio muttered. "Listen, let's all go back inside for some lunch, then maybe we'll forget this ever happened."

"Dude, your sister just threw herself off a cliff, and Nanami flew up in the sky!"

"I wouldn't worry," he replied quietly. "God willing, we'll all meet again in 'Mysterious Flying Dutchman 2: the search for more shoujo-ai'."

But not really.

Still, stay tuned.

You'll read anything! Go ahead, switch to another story. You'll be back.