"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"
The series your parents didn't want you to read.
XVIII: Goodfellas of the Ring
As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a duelist.
My story begins way back when I was just getting out of high school. My uncle Billy the Baggins, who was this big-time big shot in the mob, was celebrating his 111th birthday. The guy was old, see, but fit as a fiddle and as spry as a man half his age. Anyway, he told me he was retiring from the business and wanted me to take over. I said I was happy to oblige, what do I gotta do? He said to me, "Just take over my turf and let it grow on ya, kid. I also wanna give you my old rose crest ring, which has seen me through some pretty tough times." After that, I never saw him again. A rival gang pulled a drive-by while he was taking a ride through the country. Shame it had to happen right after he was retiring, but I made sure those goons didn't get away with what they did to my uncle. I made them pay but good.
That was my very first foray in the mob. I was already a big name, being the heir and nephew of the infamous Billy the Baggins, but now all the rival gangs could see that I could fight back if I was ever provoked. That gave me some room to breathe, so I used this time to consolidate my power, gather my loyal guys together, and start planning for my future. The rose crest ring I had was a symbol of my new strength, and I knew that if I gave the other gangs half a chance, they'd start a little war just to get their greasy hands on it. No way was I forking my uncle's hard-earned turf over to those goons, specially since they were the ones what killed him.
Oh, sorry for the delayed introductions. The name's Tenjou, Utena Tenjou.
My main muscle consisted of three old buddies of mine: Miki the String, named for his garroting penchant; Black Widow Nanami, who loves and leaves them dead; and my right-hand partner, Backbreaker Wakaba, named because of her Vulcan Glomp of Death.
"Patent pending!"
Don't interrupt. Anyway, us Bagginses was having a merry old time spreading our name around, getting people on our side, buying off the police and the judges, creating monopolies, dealing in all sorts of exotic trades—that sort of thing. Nothing we wouldn't be too ashamed to repeat, mind, and we was good at it too, until one day when this old guy came around. He was the big shot above all other big shots—they called him Akio the Wizard, due to his ability to get just about anything he wanted.
"So I'm playing yet another wizened sage, am I?" Akio muttered. I busted his chops and told him to SHADDAP, if he knew what was good for him. I was the boss around here, see, and I didn't take no lip like that. Anyway, Akio came around to visit us Bagginses, and he gives us this big story about how valuable my ring really is. There was something about how the Big Man himself, Johnny Torrio, made even more of these rings and handed them out to all his closest chums. Akio said that whoever had these rings would have all the power in the world, but they'd be marked for life in exchange. He wanted me to get rid of my ring, but there was no way I was destroying everything my uncle had built up—at least, that's what I thought at first. A couple of Bugsy's Wraiths convinced me otherwise.
……
Soon as I had it in my head to get rid of the ring and settle into an honest living (convincing myself that's why my uncle would've wanted), I took a cab with Akio and my muscle. We was meeting an old buddy of his who had connections, but we had to split up later on so that he could go on his own little adventure. I didn't see Akio after that for awhile, but I figured the Wizard could take care of himself. Anyway, my Bagginses and me went over our plans during most of the cab ride, but I figured we'd best not say too much in case the driver was a stoolie.
I paid him to keep his mouth shut once we made it to the pub where Akio said his buddy was. I had a bad feeling about the joint but I didn't let it show; we all gave fake names and ordered a few rounds of drinks. It's no secret that my old partner Wakaba gets stars in her eyes whenever we have a quiet moment together, and I just know that Nanami and Miki huddle together and talk turkey when they think I ain't watching. I trust them enough to leave them alone, but all the same, I had to keep my hands fast and my eyes sharp. No telling who, or what, you could find in a place like this.
Some goon recognized my girl Nanami's face and made a fuss about it. He said how bad he wanted revenge after she slept with his brother and killed him, and we had ourselves a little brawl right there. Some good-looking thing swept in and rescued us before we could knife anybody, and stowed us away in his room, like a real Casanova. He called himself Touga the Strider; he came from the Rangers gang, a distant ally of ours, and gave proof when I showed doubt. He said that he was the guy that Akio wanted us to see, but we should leave soon so that we wouldn't get in any more fights.
For some odd reason, my girl Nanami took a great liking to Touga the Strider, and kept to his side like a shadow as we sent for another cab. Miki and Wakaba didn't like how things was unfolding and didn't know whether we could trust this guy or not, but then I reminded them how he had saved my life, and anyone that really wanted us dead wouldn't do something so dramatic.
"So pipe down!" I said, waving my hand around like I was gonna hit them. We were chased outta the pub by several of Bugsy's Wraiths, and at first we all thought that Touga had given us away. I noticed how these was some of the same Wraiths what attacked me the other day, and they didn't seem too friendly towards our new traveling companion neither. Everyone had a gun and was asked to help scare off the Wraiths, but Touga surprised us all by pulling out a frickin' rifle and blasting away their tires. The Wraiths' scar rolled off the side of the road and made a spectacular crash, with fire and smoke and everything. I didn't think that was the last we'd seen of them, but at least the rest of the road was clear. We was gonna meet up with Akio in a neutral territory, and I heard he was out looking for others to help me out.
I guess this ring of mine was more dangerous than any of us first thought.
……
Once we got settled into the neutral territory (run by this old big shot named Elroy or some crap), Akio gave all of us the bad news. His old business buddy Capone the White had double-crossed us and made deals with Torrio's old gang, the Nine Kings, and that made everything hard for the rest of us. The only good news came when Elroy, our respected host, called up all the independent muscle he could find, and what an all-star cast! There was Saionji the Nail, Salsa Juri, Mitsuru the Snake, and all of us included. Elroy and Akio agreed that all these neutral powers had to combine their strength and see to it that this ring was destroyed and Torrio's Nine Kings was sent to sleep with the fishes.
"Youse nine people betta get dis done right, see?" Elroy pointed at us. Geez, what a load! "If you don't get ridda dis here ring, we better kiss our fortunes and our families g'bye. Capiche? From now on, betta call yourselves 'The Goodfellas of da Ring'!" And so, that's how it all started.
……
We all figured the best way to get rid of Torrio's old rose crest ring was to take it to the guy's hideout, smash it in front of his ugly old face, and whack him while we was at it! Now needless to say this was a daring venture, but us nine wise guys figured we had a pretty good chance. Torrio's hideout was way over on the eastern edge of all the territories, and it'd take us days to get there, and no telling whether Capone the White's people would try and stop us. I was glad to be in the company of so many wonderful people, even if it was for a little while.
We each took a limo and made our way to the Moria District, which was crawling with leftovers from all the gangs that was killed in the past few wars. They had all teamed up and staked the entire District out as their own, but we didn't have no choice but to go directly through it and hope that our connections, numbers, and piles of dough would see us through to the end. Trust me, the other way wasn't pretty at all. At least we had us some chance here.
I don't mean to sound like we was in a rush or nothing, but the Leftovers (as they was called) sort of got the drop on all of us, and we fought them with everything we had. You should've seen Juri, Saionji, and Mitsuru going crazy over everything that moved. I was kind of stunned that we didn't hit none of our own in that rotten place. What saved our hides wasn't nothing of our doing, but something that made the whole District rumble and shudder. Akio the Wizard said it was Bruce, the big shot of the District, and his wrecking machine—he used it whenever there was wise guys like us around. I had heard enough—I was outta there!
Bruce was this guy about ten times bigger than all of us, or so it seemed. He was like a walking brick wall that none of us could ever hope to take down. We was almost out of Moria District when he caught up with us and showed off his mean arsenal, but Akio the Wizard got wise and let him have it with some of his own firepower. He told us to amscray away from that rotten place, and I wasn't one to let good words go to waste. I was pretty sure Akio got whacked in that battle, but I ain't heard nothing about Bruce or his machine neither, so I guess they killed each other.
Once we was outta that frying pan, we had a pretty easy time ahead of us since we was entering into Juri's territory. She told us about her family and how they'd take us in, but there was this one dame we all had to watch out for. She was called Gabrielle the Mirror, Irish and mean as a boar, though cute as an angel. Mitsuru said he could take on any woman, even if they was Irish, but he got proven wrong when Juri's family caught us in their territory and took us away. She squared everything off with them pretty good—I think Mitsuru fell in hard with old Gab—and we stayed there for a few days to plan our strategy.
What old Gab told us made us worry even more. Salvatore and his gang was gonna take over the Horse Kings, a small but strong gang further on down south. Saionji's turf was in danger too—he wanted my rose crest ring to grant him the power of revolution or some crap. It seemed like everywhere we turned, there was some other enemy we had to whack. We all decided to split up and cover all our grounds. Wakaba and me was gonna take the rose crest ring and head on over to Torrio's. Miki and Nanami would take a few of their people and hit Salvatore's place directly, while Touga, Juri, and Mitsuru went to give the Horse Kings a hand. We was planning on having Saionji helping my muscle, but somebody caught wind of our plans and hit us pretty hard, taking Saionji down.
"That didn't last," he muttered. Quiet, youse!
……
I wasn't sure if my buddies would do all right, but as long as I had Wakaba and the ring, I figured at least we'd be okay. We took a cab and got as far as the ruins of Salvatore's old place (real nice guy, but not a lucky man), but after that the stupid cabbie got lost and said he couldn't take us nowhere. We both got out and decided to hike the rest of the way, hitching rides whenever we could. Along the way we met this real nice dame; I later learned she had been my uncle's old business partner. Her name was Anthy, and she was real interested in my ring.
"I've been hit almost every time I sit down," I said to her as I showed it off. "We've been holding out pretty well so far, but I dunno how much longer we can last." Anthy didn't like the idea of me going into Torrio's territory or getting rid of the ring, but seeing as how she owed a debt to my uncle, she escorted us as far as she could. While we was gallivanting along Salvatore's old turf, we got word that Touga, Juri, and Mitsuru was having setbacks with the Horse Kings. Capone and his brutes was a tough bunch, but they all pulled together and drove them back; and Miki and Nanami even took over what was left of Capone's place while his main forces were away!
I couldn't tell you how happy this made me. My friends were off giving it good to that sleazeball Capone, so now I had to work even harder so that they wouldn't be disappointed. While Anthy was showing us around, we ran into Saionji's little brother, who was now, it seemed, the hotshot of the White Trees, the biggest gang in the area. I figured since Saionji wasn't able to deliver our special rose crest ring, his little brother wanted to finish the job and take it for himself. The three of us was ready to put up a fight, but in the end he proved to be a pretty decent guy, and let us off the hook. I really owed him now.
After some traveling, we picked up word that Akio the Wizard hadn't been whacked at all.
"Oh, so I don't die in this one?"
Shaddap. Anyhoo, that made me happy, and it also made me happy that they was all fighting for the White Trees now, since Capone was finished and the Horse Kings was on our side. I guess it pays to go outta your way for somebody—you never know when they'll make a good friend. I heard Torrio's forces were going after the White Trees, but I had a feeling Saionji's spirit wouldn't let his little brother or anyone else lose. I just had to focus on getting this rose crest ring destroyed, and bumping off Torrio himself.
……
I had my doubts about our respectable guide, especially after she led us into Shera's territory. That woman has caused my crew plenty of problems in the past, and she nearly knocked me off and stole my ring for her own. Wakaba was a real champion that day, though, and made Shera wish she had never crossed our paths. I was in a good mood, though, and decided to let Anthy off the hook, specially since she had helped a little in that last fight. Besides, I was sleeping with her.
- - - - -
Extra, extra!
I live in a small family, so I have to keep all of my brothers and sisters close.
But what about your friends? There are some secrets you only reveal to your friends.
Oh? Like what?
Like…one time, I cheated on my history exam!
Did you really? If my mother and father found out, they'd be furious!
But there are some secrets only your family should know.
Mother, father, this is hard for me to say, but…I've decided to shave my head!
Oh darling, what a bold statement! And donating your hair to cancer patients is so noble!
But what about your enemies? Do you tell them any secrets?
Oh, I have no enemies.
No enemies, you say?
That's right, no enemies!
But why? Surely there's somebody who hates you.
Nope, not a single one.
Why not?
Because… Because I…KILL THEM ALL!
Oh no! Ack!
"You should keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Every gangster knows that!"
Just not THAT close!
(Smooch!)
- - - - -
Anyway, right before we left for Torrio's hideout, we got a wire from all our friends. Touga and everyone else was able to drive out the Nine Kings and all the other gangs. Everyone on our side made a new deal that was gonna benefit everybody, and it looked like the only thread to resolve was ours. With Torrio's turf right in front of our eyes, none of us figured we had anything to lose. We all made our feelings known to each other and set out, but the going was tough. We didn't expect to get captured like we did, but the point is that we was taken directly to Johnny Torrio himself.
The Big Boss asked to have his ring back, and said we could have whatever we wanted in exchange. Now I didn't exactly wanna give up all that power, but neither did I wanna be marked for life. I threw the rose crest ring down and smashed it with my foot, then Wakaba pulled out a nine and filled Mr. Torrio full of lead. What a dame! At that moment, though, Anthy told us that she had been spying on us this whole time, and she was one of Torrio's people. Seeing as how there was no more Big Boss to follow, I figured she'd just quit and come along with us, but stories don't usually end so well. She took me in her arms and shot me, then stabbed herself at the same time. As I blacked out, my life flashed before my eyes, and I could hear Wakaba calling my name.
What a gyp.
……
And so…
"So is that all?" Touga wondered.
"Seems that way," Miki replied.
"That really doesn't seem fair. Nobody really got a good part. I feel we were all just thrown to the side and ignored. Now I know what a Hobbit feels like."
"Yes, and two of us died again," Saionji mentioned. "I don't know about any of you, but frankly, I'm sick of being knocked off. Just for once, I'd like to see one of these things through to the end."
"Forget about it, Saionji," Touga sighed. "It's Chinatown. Let it go."
The End!
Eko: Stay tuned for the next installment!
Ako: Hastily written with lame humor in mind!
Cko: Who knows what sort of fairy tale we'll parody next!
Eko: Or who will be killed! Will Saionji ever last more than five paragraphs?
Ako: Will Akio keep getting wizened sage roles? Keep reading, everyone!
Cko: You never know! The next chapter might actually make sense!
All: Do you know, do you know, do you really know?
Juri: I demand recompense!
All: SHUT UP, JURI!!