"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"

And now, for something completely indifferent.

Version 19.3: Hairway to Heaven

Once upon a time…

"I have no time for that now!" Saionji suddenly screamed. "Zombie Tchaikovsky is on the loose again! If I don't stop him now, he's going to destroy Christmas!"

"Rawr!" growled Zombie Tchaikovsky. "Me smash Christmas! Destroy holiday cheer!"

"You sick bastard!" Saionji roared, preparing his catapult. "Take THIS!" The machine sent a ginormous boulder hurtling through the air, whereby it hit Zombie Tchaikovsky in the HEAD!

"Ow!" roared the Zombie. "Me head hurt! Get revenge by eating North Pole! Santa go squash!" As the indestructible agent of living death marched towards the tip of the world, Saionji knew there was only one way he could defend the cherished winter holiday—he had to summon the Harlem Globetrotters!

……

Meanwhile, in a saner world, there once lived a princess who, legend has it, was born out of the rapunzel weeds that grew in the flower garden. Since all of the doctors back then were obviously cuckoo, everyone believed this to be a fact since the king and queen said so. As the princess grew into a lovely young lady, her hair became her most treasured feature, and soon it became so lengthy and strong that no comb could tame it and no shear could cut it; the forest had to be contained with steel wires and magical ribbons

When this princess turned thirteen, a terrible witch came knocking at the castle door one day. Unlike most witches, who are actually pretty cool when you get to know them, this one was just downright MEAN. Even though she did knock, that's where her courtesy ended! She stormed right into the audience chamber and glared at the king and queen!

"Grr! I need to steal me another princess! The last one was too rebellious, sexy, and tomboyish for me to handle! Curse these modern epic fairy tales and their increased number of independent women! Curse their bones, I says!"

"Shut up, Juri," yawned Touga, the king.

"And another thing!" blurted the witch. "Why does everybody tell me to shut up? This is the truth here, people!"

"Take her away," commanded Shiori, the queen. Juri the witch was now hopping mad!

"Oooh, I hate you, Shiori! You're even meaner than I am! C'mon, just one princess! That's all I'm asking! Just so long as she's not one of these modern-day metrosexual Amazons!"

"Well," murmured the queen in thought, "we do have a disgraceful and annoying daughter who is unattractive, subservient, feminine, and shockingly dependent, but I must warn you, she'd very high-maintenance."

"What are you planning on doing with a princess, anyway?" Touga wondered.

"Oh, you know, evil witch business. I'll stow her away in a tower and wait for some hapless knight to rescue her."

"And then what?"

"Seduce the knight, of course. We witches tend to get lonely in our towers."

"Ah, that explains everything," Touga said. "I've always wondered why witches keep princesses in their towers. Do you think it's the same for dragons?"

"No, they just like the company."

"Ah, makes sense. Well, unfortunately, we can't give you our daughter unless you ask very nicely." Juri took a deep breath, braced herself, and fluttered her eyelashes as she unveiled her rarely seen "cute face".

"Pweeeeeeeeeease? May I please kidnap your daughter and use her as bait to snag me a handsome knight?"

"Since you asked so nicely, you may."

"Thank you, your highness! I'll be kidnapping your daughter now!"

See? This witch was pure malevolent evil!

……

Now that he had the Harlem Globetrotters on his side, there was no way Saionji could lose! But alas, Zombie Tchaikovsky had just recently arrived at the North Pole, and he was already creating a big mess! Using the magic of the Globetrotters, Saionji traveled all the way up to the top of the world, where the deciding battle would take place!

"I've caught you now, Zombie Tchaikovsky!" he exclaimed bravely as he faced the decomposer (yeah, I know that was awful). "Now that you're cornered, prepare to face the wrath of Kyoichi Saionji and the Harlem Globetrotters!"

"Grr!" replied the evil undead. "Me smash green-haired fool and basketball team! They cheaters! Zombie Tchaikovsky hate cheaters! Grr!" Saionji and the Globetrotters flew into battle, sailing and flying majestically as the undead musician tried swatting them down. He was no match for the superior skills of the Globetrotters or the…the, uh…the… (bear with me here, I'm trying to think of a quality that poor Saionji has that could be useful here) Ah! The zombie was no match for the way that Saionji was always a jerk! Yes! Using his destructive powers of Being a Jerk, teamed up with the almightiness of the Globetrotters, Saionji destroyed Zombie Tchaikovsky and saved Christmas!

……

And now, back to the main story!

"It's about time!" Nanami exclaimed as she leaned out of the witch's tower. "You spent almost all this time focused on things that were completely irrelevant. I mean, what does Tchaikovsky and Saionji have to do with retelling the story of Rapunzel?"

"(Psst! Nanami!)" It was Miki, whispering to her from afar. "(Didn't you pay attention? We're not going for the 'fourth wall humor' anymore! Just stick to the original plans!")

"Oh, all right," she sighed. "At least I'm the title character, and I don't have anything too weird happening to me. Anyway—ahem—I'm a lonely and desperate princess with beautiful long hair! I've been trapped inside the witch's tower for her amusement! She forces me to…(shudder) COOK for her! Can you imagine? It's like I'm her prisoner or something! Isn't there a brave and noble knight who could save me?" She then whirled around and glared right at Miki. "Well? Isn't there?"

"Don't look at me!" he stuttered, slinking away quickly. "I'm not even in this story!"

"Oh, rats," she sighed. "I really wanted to be saved by Miki this time. It's always the last person I want to see, though."

"Fourth wall!" Miki hissed.

And so…

As our dear princess waited in her tower for a knight to appear, combing her gargantuan hair, bitching and moaning like always (hee-hee!), Saionji and the Globetrotters were making their way south from Santa's workshop, their hearts aglow with victory. But wouldn't you know it, the merry old elf got in trouble with the IRS again, and Godzilla was threatening to…

"ENOUGH!" Nanami screamed as she waved her arms in the air. "That's going too far! This story is about ME! It's about RAPUNZEL! It's about my luxurious long hair and how I get to be with the prince of my dreams! Christmas and Globetrotters and…and…Godzilla do not factor into the equation! And furthermore…whuh-whuh-WHOAAA!!!" While Nanami was ranting, she leaned so far out beyond the window that she fell out—whoops! Her ridiculously long hair saved her, though; she had kept it so knotted and braided that it was now looped around just about everything in her room. One can only imagine how loud she was screaming.

"SON OF A…"

And just at that very moment, along came a brave and valiant prince!

"Squee!!"

But it wasn't Miki.

"Aw, snap!!" It was Saionji!

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!" he cried. Unfortunately, he failed to realize that Nanami was hanging from the window by the very locks he sought to climb.

"You ignoramus! Boisterous swine! Cad-toothed villain! Knock-kneed bagger-goat! Knuckle-driver! Bushwhacker! Horn-swaggler! Cracker-croaker!"

"Easy there," he muttered. "Let's not change the rating here."

"Fourth wall!" Miki coughed.

"And don't you DARE look up my dress!" Nanami roared as she swung there defenselessly. Saionji blushed.

"Too late."

"PERVERT!!" Suddenly, all the swaying and struggling mounted to a crescendo, breaking Nanami free of her bondage…and much of her prized hair. She came hurtling down to the ground, shrieking the whole way, and landed flat on Saionji's head, killing him at once.

Somewhere in the distance, Utena sighed and put another mark on the tally.

"Oh dear," Nanami groaned as she struggled to stand. "I've killed my prince. What's more is that all of my hair is gone. My mother and father sold me out to a witch, my story was ruined by a nonsensical Christmas plot, and to top it all off…MY DRESS IS RUINED!!! This sucks!" Even though Nanami deserved most of what fate had given her, one couldn't help but feel sorry for her as she sat there crying in the mud. Just then, Saionji's squire came running along, clearly too late to save his master—but not too late to save the damsel in distress.

"Are you all right, miss? Can you stand? Here, let me help you up." Sniffling, Nanami looked up into the face of her savior. It was Mitsuru.

"Mitsuru, I…"

"Don't worry," he said, sensing her apprehension. "You'll always be my princess, Miss Nanami." His shining face and pure honesty broke her heart, and she collapsed in his arms to weep for joy.

"Oh Mitsuru! You really have always been there for me, haven't you?"

"Yes, and I always will in the future."

"Mitsuru…" Even though Nanami was dirty, her hair was ripped and askew, and she had lost her family and kingdom, this young boy was still willing to open his heart for her. Gently she kissed him, tears mixing in as the fairy tale they once laughed at now became so beautifully real.

The End Stay tuned for the next installment! Otherwise, your succotash will suffer!

……

Epilogue

"Miki!" said Juri, pointing to her blue-haired lackey. "Where is the princess? Did the prince come to steal her back while I was breaking Santa Claus out of jail?"

"Um, well, sort of," he murmured.

"Sort of? That's either a yes or a no answer, Miki!"

"Well…in that case…the answer is yes. But the prince is dead now!"

"Dead?" This was new. Usually in these sorts of stories, the prince didn't die, at least not until after he had rescued the princess. "Well then, where is the princess?"

"Someone else took her," he answered.

"Who was it, you?"

"No, Mitsuru."

"MITSURU?" Juri blurted. "Curse those bones! I wanted to seduce you," she sulked, poor thing.

"I hate this series," Miki grumbled.