"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"
Part of this unbalanced breakfast.
20/20 Vision: Robin in da Hood
("The Thieving Magpie" plays as the camera pans to Utena Robin Hood and her band of Merry Droogs)
There was me, that's Utena, and my Droogs—that is, the major characters of the anime—and we were all lollygagging around Sherwood Forest as we racked our minds trying to make out how to best invest our time this coming night. The Sheriff of Nottingham, a bit of an old weasel, had his men carousing around our forest stealing and killing as they pleased, and it didn't bode well with us upstanding hoodlums to have that awful man breathing down our vulnerable necks.
"Tonight we set out," Touga snarled, his face curled with the grin of a bloodthirsty jackal. "The Sheriff will get what's coming to him tonight."
"Aye, and on the morrow we free Friar Miki Tuck from his clutches," Nanami added, waving her hand around as if it were a sharpened blade. I eyed my blonde counterpart and understood her desires. The Friar was a gay and hale man, quick to laugh or tilt back a flagon of ale, and to have him locked in a cage felt all criminal-like. I told my Droogs we'd have to face one task at a time, but a row came about as a few of my closest chums suggested splitting our forces apart and hitting the vile Sheriff on two fronts.
"Why wait for night?" said Little John Juri. "Either this one or any other? I say we sweep down like ravens and shred the Sheriff apart with all haste."
"Patience, my small friend," I purred, covering her hungry hand. "The night is swift, and darkness has ever been our ally. A dual quest cannot be made in such a late time."
"And yet our benevolent priest rots," Nanami indicated, a head most wise and unbecoming of her mouth.
"Too true, sister," quoth Touga, "yet if the Sheriff is not stopped upon this night, I'll wager my own heart's desire that his rampage may continue."
"Worthy Droogs!" cried Saionji as he stood, commanding our attention like a bronze sculpture, Adonis-impersonator. "We sacrifice time with each argument. I say let the Sheriff's forces be made an example now, and when morning arrives, we may slither to Friar Miki Tuck's cage and break his lock whilst our enemy is gasping from his last defeat."
"An excellent proposal!" I cried, laughing at how noble and glorious we would become in the near future. And O, what a procession we were when I gave out the word! I was there with scores of friends: Touga and Saionji, and Nanami, and Little John Juri; lords and maidens of the noblest heart were our only companions missing from the delightful convoy! The woods were aflame with our laughter and song—we'd never allow a single real spark to ignite their sylvan passions! Naturally, upon our encounter with the Sheriff's lowly thugs, we negotiated their terms of surrender.
"Your money or your lives!"
They always choose the latter. It does make me smile!
Oh, and what a spectacular battle there was, my brothers and friends. Their numbers were inferior to ours, and not quite as heartened to the battle. Our thirst for blood and glory and vengeance for all the lives lost could not be slaked with their miniscule defenses, and soon the grasses became piled with their corpses, each Droog glowing with victory. A patrol guard was assembled to make sure no more of our dear Sheriff's friends would ever return; then, we retired, having experienced an evening of some energy expenditure.
……
Dawn was no stranger to Droogs like us. We merry men (and obligatory I, alongside Nanami) slept when the moon fell and woke when the sun rose; ours seemed an omnipresent vigil in Sherwood Grove. Our next venture into nobility involved rescuing Friar Miki Tuck, a dear young chap who had devoted himself to the drink first, then the cross, and finally the crown, though he held no love for our rotting King John.
(scene cut: King John is killed and Emperor Palpatine takes his place)
"The first thing I am going to do is wipe out the Jedi!" he decrees. "The second thing I'm going to do is send the Sheriff of Nottingham out to murder Utena Robin Hood and her merry men (and Nanami)! The third thing I'm going to do is ban recess!"
"Hey! You can't do that!" a bunch of kids say. Then they run over to Emperor Palpatine, kick him in the shin, pull his Sith hood over his face, and run away laughing.
"D'ohh! You rotten kids! I'll get you for this!!"
(scene cut: Robin Utena Hood and her merry men plus Nanami are making their way to the dungeon and/or tower where Friar Miki Tuck is being held!)
Further rumor amused our ears as we traveled the lands. Maidens of purest virtue were being locked up by the Sheriff and his wicked King—erm, Emperor—and we were not the sort to let any lady suffer imprisonment, whether they deserved it or not. As a matter of fact, the more dangerous a prisoner is, the more likely we'll set out to rescue them! And as everyone knew, any enemy of Emperor Palpatine's was a good friend of ours.
"This tower is taller than I recall," Little John Juri muttered, glancing skyward to penetrate its mighty apex. I saluted the climbing sun and cleaved our party in half.
"The good Friar must be in the dungeon below," I pointed. "Meanwhile, said pure maidens, each a model of chastity and beauty (no snickering, now!), are logically in the uttermost top chambers of yon tower. I know this to be true since every fairy tale agrees and they are never wrong!" And so our merry band split into halves, I taking the tower and my trusted friends the dungeon. Up and around the stairs did we fly, twirling into dizzy spires and nauseating curls, twisting and twitching and swishing and swashing, until we all felt nearly disgusted to our stomachs, but at last we made it, and the sight of those luscious maidens rejuvenated our hearts (and lungs!).
"Maid Anthy Marion!" I cried, embracing my long-lost lover. You can bet that Shiori, Mitsuru, and Kozue were here as well, each to greet their own respective lover—but first we had to descend, once more creeping into the spiraling vortex! It was some time before the world stopped spinning—but when all was said, done, and discussed, our friends grew in number and our merriment inflated to a grand scale. Friar Miki Tuck embraced Kozue…
"Nope, I'm not going to do it," he pouted all of a sudden. "I won't participate in a twincestual relationship. There's no way you can make me."
"It's either Kozue or one of us," Saionji said, indicating his own self alongside Touga. I don't believe our religious friend liked either option; he chose to continue his celibate road, upsetting all the women. Since her brother was now lost forever to the seductions of a stale cross and an invisible God, Kozue instead chose Shiori as her lover, and I do not think that Little John Juri had any opposition to this at all, since Wakaba's image had graced that locket of hers for some time now. Who'd a-thunk it?
……
Naturally, our heist of the lords, maidens, and pseudo-celibate friars quickly became a hot topic. We didn't think Emperor Palpatine would let this criminal act slip through his fingers, which was why he sent forty of his strongest men to invade our humble sylvan paradise. Now we did not quite number forty (a dozen or so, I think), so we could not fight against this future threat. There was only one solution: hire seven samurai to do the job for us! And luckily for us, Little John Juri knew a few people…
("The Ballad of William Tell", aka "Lone Ranger's theme song" plays as Kikuchiyo rides in on a horse to save the day)
"Hi-ho Silver, awaaaaaaayyyy!!!"
And lo, our samurai friends returned to render their services once again. The battle was bittersweet, O my brothers and friends, for many lives were lost—on the enemy's side, of course! Our ranks were like the gods, ethereal and majestic, sweeping in like a cold breeze to wash away stagnation. The day was over before our love of the fight could end, and many enemies laid strewn about, likes autumn leaves after a squall. Our vote was cast and decided later: we would penetrate the Sheriff's own residence and force him into a, say, permanent retirement.
"But what about us?!" Kikuchiyo bellowed.
"What about us?" Kambei muttered. "We've served our purpose. A cameo appearance is meant to be brief."
"Can't say it's been very fun," Gorobei muttered. I too was grieved to see such worthy samurai abandon us, but this was our tale to spin, and theirs was but a thread in the larger quilt.
Now it's no secret that it was our destiny to face the filthy Sheriff in a clash of powers, O my brothers and friends. I as the true lady of Locksley had a right to his neck; he had no privilege regarding my property. We merry folk existed solely to stymie his efforts, but now I felt (with lost comrades regained) it was time to usurp his ill-gotten throne at last, and to overthrow the rule of our terrifying Emperor.
(scene cut: Palpatine is being bullied by the kids yet again)
As I said, terrifying. T'was our duty to see him suffering and lost from our realm, but alas, that notorious Sheriff stood in our way. My Droogs were simply itching for a grand battle that would sum up their careers as my allies, and as we infiltrated the Sheriff's manor, I set off for the lord by myself whilst they kept the security occupied.
"So basically, we get the guards," Touga muttered.
"Aye, but there are scores of them."
"And you, the main character, get to hog the leader again."
"What do you expect from an anime, Touga?" Saionji posed. Everyone had to concede to his point, and thus our forces were hewn again. I myself found a worthy pastime careening through the Sheriff's hallways to the delightful melodies of my comrades in battle, and decided to conclude everything by knocking upon his door. The portal opened of its own accord, and inside was none other than…
"Gendo Ikari!?!?"
Dun-dun-dun!!
"Correct," said Ikari. "I'm the Sheriff of Nottingham, your sworn enemy."
"These crossovers are getting worse every chapter," I muttered.
"Fourth wall!" Miki coughed. Ikari snarled and whipped out a dueling-saber, but I brought forth an even deadlier tool.
"Prepare to face the wrath of my chocolate party cake!!"
"What?" he grumbled—but it was too late. The bane of Palpatine's existence, that band of children who defeated him time and again, came swarming in and devoured my prize, sending Gendo's room into an uproar. The vile Sheriff could not handle such a maelstrom, and backed away until he fell through his open window, careening towards his delightfully gruesome demise.
"YOU ROTTEN KIDS!! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!"
At last, the enemy was vanquished. But now we had an Emperor to deal with!
……
"This is unacceptable!" Palpatine stuttered as he realized Sheriff Gendo Ikari was dead. "Totally unacceptable! How could my extremely evil henchman lose? He was the biggest bastard in the entire universe! It looks like I will have to destroy these hoodlums myself!"
This inner monologue was brought to you by the plot police—who, as it was, are on our payroll. Dear brothers and friends, I can only presume by your yawns that this story bores you and you seek an end to its delights. T'was not your humble narrator who scaled the final tower to destroy this last wicked man—oh no, it was Shiori, who—stricken with grief after being abandoned by Juri once and for all—requested the honors herself. I could not deny her this pleasure, and so I set about assisting my cherished Droogs in their battle against the legions of guards. Shiori, dear friend, made it into the Emperor's keep and unleashed her most devastating attack:
She turned into a mermaid and started rapping.
Yo Emperor my homie, we gonna bury ya six feet under
We trashin' ya manor, rip your banner, shoot you like a bolt of thunder
Everyday you're alive is a thorn in our side, yo
So we gonna smash your face and rip your hide, yo
Hey! What? Okay! Yeah!
Down on the street I'm gonna beat, stop to eat precious meat
Slap you in the face when I finish the race I want just a taste
Of the good life, so ya better die fool
I'll dance on your grave it'll be cool
You get the idea.
"Enough!" screamed the Emperor as he covered his ears. "I can't take any more awful lyrics!"
"You think you have problems?" Shiori snorted. "Kozue tricked me into putting the cursed clamshell bra on again. Curse her and her kinky sex games!" She and the Emperor struggled for dominance, O bewildered friends, but it was the group of children, ever precocious, who stormed in and saved the day, giving the Emperor an atomic wedgie he wouldn't soon forget.
"Blast!" he squawked. "Curse you rotten evil children! You won't get away with this!" The children laughed in triumph; of course they would get away with it all. As Shiori descended from his room in triumph, tossing herself into Kozue's grip, the good King Akio came, deposed the Emperor, and everyone got married and lived happily ever after. Except Palpatine and Ikari, of course. Sucks to be them!
The End
Stay tuned for the next installment!
It's what Curly would do.