An absolutely insane idea that I came up with a few days ago…
Read if you dare…
The title says it all.
Absolutely Inappropriate
(A little piece of insanity written by Dude13)
Frankie yawned loudly as she struggled to focus on her reading. However, the atmosphere in which she had chosen to situate herself had proved to be quite difficult to keep herself awake in. A strong flame was blazing close by in the fireplace, bathing her in its warmth and flickering orange light, and the particular couch she had chosen to sprawl her body out upon had also shown itself to be unnaturally comfy and soft. Also, the Foster's library was almost dead silent except for the crackles and snaps of the fire, mixing in with the soft, pattering of snow against the windows in a soothing melody. The young woman struggled in vain to try and get through one chapter, but it felt like every time she tried, the words would begin to blur as her eyelids began to droop heavily. She could barely help herself, everything there just made Frankie want to place her book aside, rest her head on a nearby couch cushion, close her eyes, and-
The sounds of soft whimpering and the feeling of something warm squirming a bit against her body suddenly interrupted her thoughts. Peering over her book, Frankie couldn't help but smile warmly at the sight before her. By the way the small, brown-haired child lay sprawled out on top of her stomach, eyes tightly shut and jaw hanging limply in a dead sleep, it was obvious that the room's cozy atmosphere was harder for some to resist than others. Trying to unsuccessfully stifle a laugh, Frankie gently prodded the peacefully dozing boy.
"C'mon, Mac, wakey wakey." She giggled as she gave him a delicate shake. "Up and at 'em, kiddo."
After a few moments of this treatment, Mac finally responded to her gentle attempts at awakening him, lazily opening one bleary eye with a sleepy whine.
"Mmphf? Wha…?" he grumbled as he came around. Frankie laughed as she ruffled his hair affectionately.
"That's my belly, pal. I believe you want your bed, which I believe is a couple floors up." Frankie teased him with a chuckle.
"Huh?" a very disoriented Mac grunted in reply, now staring at her stupidly through half-opened eyeballs. "What are you…uh…"
"I think it's beddy-bye time for a certain little guy." His "big sister" joked placing her book aside.
"No…not sleepy…" Mac protested weakly in response as he made a feeble attempt to show he wasn't ready for bed by trying to get up. Unfortunately, this weak strain of effort just resulted in the boy rolling off her stomach and into the couch cushions with a weary moan.
"Just let me…hold on, I…" he grumbled sleepily as he squirmed about, practically helpless in his fatigue.
"That's it, its so definitely bedtime, bucko." Frankie snorted in laughter as she carefully gathered him up into her arms.
"Wait…wait…" Mac continued to whine in protest as he hung limply in the young woman's embrace. "Can't I…just a little…"
"Shhh." Frankie hushed comfortingly as she gave him a gentle nuzzle. "It's okay, I'm feelin' a little sleepy too. C'mon, I'll carry you."
"Oh…ok." Mac whispered, halting his futile attempts to escape and immediately snuggling into her warm hold. Still giggling happily at the heartwarming sight, Frankie gently lifted herself from the old couch and began to make her way in the direction of the nearest staircase, cradling her "little brother" gently in her arms.
"Oh, hey guys! Whatcha doing?" Bloo piped up loudly as he unexpectedly skidded in from the doorway, a surprise entrance that caused the redhead to jump a little in shock.
"EEEK!" Frankie gave a little shriek, right before she shot the little blue imaginary friend a nasty glare. "Don't do that!" she scolded irritably.
"What? What'd I do?" Bloo immediately replied indignantly, throwing up his arms in protest.
Rather than respond, Frankie just lowered her head and sighed in exasperation, while Mac managed to give his best friend a weak little wave.
"Hey, Bloo." He whispered with a wan smile.
"Hey, bud!" Bloo yelled enthusiastically. "Whatcha guys doing?"
As Mac quickly clamped his hands tightly over his ears, Frankie instinctively hugged the child closer as she intensified her stern gaze.
"Will you stoppit? You don't need to yell, we're just going to bed together, that's all!" the girl snapped in annoyance. "I swear, will you please just-"
"Oh, gross!" Bloo squealed in utter disgust. As the little imaginary friend stuck out his tongue in utter repugnance, Frankie cut herself off in mid-scold while she cocked her head in confusion.
"Wait, what?" she asked bewilderedly. "Bloo, what are you-"
"You guys are sick!" Bloo denounced them fiercely, jabbing his stubby arm accusingly at the pair. "Sick, sick, sick!"
"Huh?" Mac mumbled as he tried to rub the sleep from his eyes. "Bloo, what's wrong? Frankie just said we're going to bed so-"
"Ewwww!" his imaginary friend just groaned in abhorrence, throwing up his hands and placing them tightly against the sides of his head. "Stop! Stop! No more, please! I don't wanna hear any more!" he pleaded desperately.
The boy and girl were both clearly confused at this point. While Bloo stumbled about in a circle, moaning sickly in disgust, the siblings stared dumbly at each other for a few moments, then back to the whining imaginary friend.
"Bloo, what on earth is going on?" Frankie demanded.
"No, c'mon! No fair!" Bloo just protested unhappily. "Stoppit, please! Just let me goin peace!"
"C'mon, can you just tell us?" Mac pleaded. "If you could just tell us what's so wrong about-"
"HEY!" Bloo protested bitterly. "Look, look, I'll be honest, I really don't mind it, but will you please just spare me the details of your love life? Sheesh!" he sighed in exasperation.
THUMP!
"OW!" Mac cried as Frankie's arms flopped down limply at her sides, causing him to plummet instantaneously to the floor. As the boy rubbed his sore bottom ruefully, the girl just continued to stare blankly at the imaginary friend, eyes practically bulging out of her sockets and mouth hanging agape in total disbelief at the words she just heard.
"Wait…WHAT?" she cried incredulously, throwing up her hands in the air.
"Love life?" Mac gasped in shock. "Bloo, WHAT are you talking about?"
Bloo just gazed back calmly at the pair of dumb stares. "Hey, c'mon, it's okay! Look, I said it before, I don't mind it that you guys are going out, but if you would just not tell me about your plans for tonight, I'd really appreciate-"
"Hold on, hold on!" Frankie snapped as she furiously tried to comprehend what was going on. "Just what are you…what did you mean by when we said that…we…oh…OH!" she squealed in disgust as it finally dawned on her, her already bulging eyeballs practically doubling in size in her shock.
"You didn't mean that…you don't mean that we were going to bed together to…to…" Mac sputtered uncontrollably in total confusion.
Bloo just shrugged his shoulders. "Hey guys, keep the love behind closed doors, that's all."
The room went dead quiet as the imaginary friend's creator and caretaker stared at him blankly in a mixture of shock and total disgust. Final, after a few minutes of deafening silence…
"Bloo…THAT'S DISGUSTING!" Frankie shrieked at the top of her lungs.
"EW! EW! EW!" Mac whined as he began to brush himself off wildly, as if this slapdash cleaning job would purge his mind of what he just heard. "Dirty, dirty, dirty! Yuck!"
"Hey, c'mon, don't try and hide it!" Bloo protested.
"Bloo, what on earth makes you think Mac and I are lovers?" Frankie screamed.
"Pfft, oh right!" Bloo scoffed, waving his arm to encompass the entire room. "Like this isn't enough right here to prove it? Warm fire? All alone, snuggled up on the couch? C'mon, you guys were soooo setting the mood for tonight!" he explained matter-of-factly.
"I think I'm gonna be sick…" Mac moaned as the color drained from his face. While the child held on to Frankie's leg for support in a sickly fashion, the redhead rubbed her temples furiously in a feeble attempt to clear her mind.
"Oh God, oh God, oh God…wait, wait, you think that we're…that we're actually…"
"Look, I really don't see what's the big deal about this!" Bloo complained. "Isn't it totally obvious? I see you guys cuddled up everywhere, you hug every Mac comes home from school, you always kiss him once or twice a day-"
"Yeah, on his cheek!" Frankie rebutted him fiercely with a growl. "Never on the lips! Oh, dear God Bloo! There's a difference between loving him as a little brother and loving him as a…as a…for Pete's sake, what the heck is the matter with you?"
"Not on the cheek, eh? Huh, you probably do that when everyone's asleep while you're…" Bloo began to mutter ruefully under his breath.
"Excuse me?" Frankie snarled angrily.
"Look guys, well you two just knock it off?" Bloo yelled exasperatedly.
"Us knock it off?" Mac replied incredulously, throwing up his arms in mock hysterics. "Hey, you're the one who's-"
"Guys, will you please just put a sock in it?" the little imaginary friend beseeched. "You don't have to lie to me like this! I said it like fifty times before and I'll say it once again, I don't care that you guys are in love!"
Again he was met with a pair of blank stares.
"Bloo…Mac's eight…I'm twenty-two." Frankie stated flatly.
"Oh yeah, like that's gonna work on me." Bloo laughed. "Trying to emphasize a couple years just to try and throw me off? C'mon guys, that's just pathetic."
"Bloo…I'm eight…Frankie is twenty two." Mac joined in, putting more emphasis on their specified ages.
"So? You got a couple years between you two, true love is never-"
"Fourteen years, Bloo." Frankie announced resolutely.
"Four, fourteen, what's the difference? Guys, I really don't care! All I said was that I would like it if you two didn't-"
"She's almost three times my age, Bloo." Mac stated bluntly as he pointed at the young woman standing beside him.
"Yeah, and you're three years older than me, but do I make a big deal out of it?" Bloo asked innocently.
"Bloo, you're talking about pedophilia!" Frankie screamed as she stomped her feet furiously.
"No, no it's just that!" Mac interrupted frantically, tugging fiercely at her skirt. "You're my big sister! Remember?"
Frankie's jaw dropped as she met his panicked gaze. "Oh, crap! And you're my little brother! Oh God, it's incest too! Oh, in the name of all that is holy…"
"Hey, whoa there, pal!" Bloo laughed as he watched Mac continue to tug upon Frankie's skirt. "Geez Mac, can't you wait until you two get upstairs?"
"BLOORAGUARD Q. KAZOO, THAT IS AWFUL!" Frankie screeched as loudly as she could, as if volume would be enough to silence the little azure blob.
"Geez, well sorry for just stating the blatantly obvious about you two!" Bloo sneered sarcastically as he placed his hands on his hips.
"BLOO, I'M FRANKIE'S LITTLE BROTHER, NOT HER BOYFRIEND!" Mac yelled in frustration.
Despite that their screams were practically loud enough to rip the entire mansion from its foundations, Bloo still reminded completely undeterred. Instead, he just stared calmly at the two as he was pummeled with a barrage of outraged yells and enraged shrieks.
"Yeah, yeah, keeping saying it, I'm soooo not buying any of this…"
"BLOO, IF YOU DON'T SHUT YOUR LITTLE TRAP RIGHT THIS INSTANT…" Frankie roared as she jabbed her finger threateningly at him.
"More than my friend." Bloo suddenly announced with a smirk.
"I WILL STRING YOU UP BY…YOUR…uh…"
Frankie let her arm flop limply at her side as her death threat trailed off. "Wait…what…" she asked in complete befuddlement.
"Ha! Gotcha now!" the little imaginary friend whooped triumphantly.
"What are you…" Mac mumbled, scratching his head in confusion.
"Just how I found the truth, buddy, just how I found out about the truth." Bloo replied with a smug smirk.
"Bloo, will you please just-" Frankie tried to inquire again.
"Oh, as if you don't know?" Bloo grinned. "Give it up, it's over now."
"Bloo, will you please just-"
"Don't you remember?" Bloo asked casually. "It was after you made Mac your "little brother"," Bloo emphasized with a wink, "But before he began to live with us at Foster's?"
"I still don't-"
"Oh, don't play dumb!" the imaginary friend laughed. "Remember? You said it, like, every time you had a friend over or you were talking to someone on the phone."
"Wait…wait…hold on a sec…" Frankie murmured as she struggled to remember.
"Frankie? What's Bloo talking about?" Mac asked bewilderedly.
"Oh, come on! Do I have to remind you about everything?" Bloo sighed wearily. "I can't believe you don't remember! You know, whenever anyone was all like "who's that?" or if they were like "hey, what's the deal with that kid, are you two friends or something?" and you would all be like, "no way, he's more than my friend." Remember?" Bloo asked innocently.
Again a deafening silence filled the room. After a few moments of this however, Mac jerked his head in the direction of the girl next to him and looked into her eyes beseechingly, the color completely drained from his face in dumb shock.
"F-Frankie…y-y-you said th-that…that w-we were…that I w-was…"
Frankie turned to stare pleadingly into his gaze. "Oh pal, no! No! Oh God, no!"
"Ewwwww!" Mac cried, sticking out his tongue. "Gross! Frankie, you actually said that I was-"
"Yes, I said that, but I always added afterwards you were my little brother! My little brother! I would say "he's more than my friend, he's like a little brother!" That's what I meant, I swear!" the girl tried to explain frantically. "Oh please, you know I didn't mean it to sound like-"
"Yuck, "little brother?" I swear, you guys have the weirdest pet names for each other." Bloo casually mused to himself.
"Frankie, that sounds like we're in love! Oh, gross! Gross!" Mac whined, backing a few steps away from her. "Oh geez, why did you have to put it like that? Why, Frankie, why?" the child implored miserably.
"Oh please, pal, don't!" Frankie begged, dropping to her knees and throwing out her arms. "Please! C'mere, it's gonna be okay, it's-"
"AUGH!" Mac squealed as he scuttled further away. "No way! Don't touch me! Ew! Ew!"
"Mac, c'mon!" Frankie whined. It'll be alright, I promise! I just-"
"Looks like someone's not getting any action tonight." Bloo observed out loud to himself as he turned around and casually left the room, as if the recent outrageous series of events never happened at all.
"NOOOOOO!" Mac emitted a shrill, heartbreaking wail, moments before he tore out of the room like a bat out of hell, waving his arms wildly and screaming to the high heavens.
"AAAAA! It's not right! It's not right! It's just not riiiiiiiiight!" the boy yelled as he made a mad dash in the direction of his room, and thus to refuge.
"No, Mac! No! Pal, please! Come back! No! Please! I didn't mean it like that! I didn't mean it like that!"
Frankie desperately tried to yell out consolingly, but it was of little use. Within a matter of seconds the child had fled up the main staircase at breakneck speed and out of sight, leaving nothing behind but the reverberations. Rather than even make the feeble attempt to chase after the badly frazzled eight-year-old, Frankie just dejectedly sank to the floor with a weary groan.
"Oh God…" she moaned exasperatedly to herself. "I knew it sounded weird when I put it like that…oh geez, I-"
"Ahem!"
The gruff sound of someone clearing their throat suddenly interrupted her thoughts, effectively grabbing hold of her attention. Frankie looked up from her spot at the floor to meet the gaze of the large, finely attired rabbit who had just entered the room, most likely after hearing the commotion from the hallway. For a few seconds, Mr. Herriman and the girl just stared at each other blankly for a few seconds before the imaginary friend broke the silence.
"More than your friend, Miss Frances?" he asked politely with a hint of a smirk.
"Oh, shut up."
The End
Oh man…I don't know whether I should up the fic's rating or not now…hey, don't say I didn't warn you! Sorry, I couldn't help myself! I got this totally nutty idea a few days okay and well…here you go! Quite possibly the raunchiest, most absurd thing I've ever written in my entire life.
As many of you can guess, this was written entirely as a satire of the Frankie/ Mac romantic pairing, quite possibly the only romantic couple that I don't really support. Personally, I'm just fine with a little fluff going on between them (says the guy who can't saturate his stories enough with that) or with any stories in which Mac has a little crush on her (as in Frankie My Dear, one of my favorite episodes). I'm perfectly all right with all that. But I'll be honest, as far as I'm concerned, as soon as I'm reading anything where they're explicitly making out with each other…I'm going to say something's gone horribly, horribly wrong. It's just…well, weird.
I also used this to take what I think was a much-deserved swing at myself. As many of you may have noticed, in the end I used the same line that was the title for my first story, "More Than My Friend." Like Frankie said, I meant it in the way meaning that Frankie and Mac are more like friends in my stories, they're like family. Unfortunately, the title clearly makes it sound like my story's a Frankie/Mac romance fic, which as I have just demonstrated, I think they're kind of…yuck.
Weird? Yeah. Gross? Very much so. A bit too explicit? Probably. Totally inappropriate? Ha, that was the entire point!
Just a little nuttiness from the depths of my mind! Don't worry, I'm probably not going to be dabbling again in this stuff again…anytime soon (insert maniacal laugh here)
Tell me what you think! Please review!
-Dude13