CHAPTER FOUR: Sand

Izzy and Meredith sat next to each other during the service, Meredith holding Izzy's hand, and walking with her when she placed a rose on the casket being lowered onto the ground.

"My life won't be complete without you," Izzy said softly. "I love you."

Meredith quickly looked up to the sky, forcing her tears to stay. She exhaled deeply, and then walked with her friend back to their seats.

Was it really that long ago that she had felt that way about Derek? The kind of love that haunts you, follows, and stays with you for the rest of your life. Yet she had managed to give that all up? And for what? She had Hayden and the kids, and Hayden was strong and sturdy, and she loved him, but she would never love Hayden like she had loved Derek. So this is why she was crying, because in her heart, she knew that she would never experience that kind of love so deep, ever again.

Derek was standing in the back row of attendees at Alex's funeral, Cara on his arm. From what he remembered of Izzy, he had expected a much more flamboyant ceremony. He shook his head, and fought the small beginnings of a smile tugging at the sides of his mouth.

That's just plain stupid, Derek thought to himself. A Flamboyant Funeral? Absolutely ridiculous. He was hanging his head, hiding the small hints of a smile when Cara tapped his arm lightly. He looked at her, and she motioned to the two women who were placing a single red rose on the casket, one of them blonde, a little curvier than the waif-thin figure of the strawberry blonde beside her. In his heart he knew it was her. But his mind couldn't believe it. As the strawberry blonde looked to the sky before turning around and heading back to her seat, he knew for sure it was her.

Meredith Grey, the one girl he could not get over.

Meredith furrowed her brow, and thought. It couldn't be him could it? She had paused for only a second to see a flash of the same curly dark hair, and piercing eyes. But then, as soon as she saw the person, he was gone. So it couldn't be. Would Izzy really do that to her? She wanted to ask her, but the steady trail of tears down both of Izzy's cheeks and her red nose stopped her. This was not the time, nor the place. But still, even as she told herself, that it was not him, she couldn't help but get a little excited, and for that she was upset with herself. She had a husband for Christ's sake, she had kids. And even if he didn't have either a wife or children, it didn't change the fact that she was married with children. So, Meredith sat there through the rest of the funeral, nervously twisting her wedding band around her rig finger.

"Mere, I am just going to go and wait in the car okay? I can't bear to see them…" Izzy trailed off, gesturing the workers who were shovelling the moist, fresh dirt onto the casket. Meredith nodded. She was grateful for this, she needed more fresh air to cleanse her thoughts before she went to her old house, where she was afraid that flashbacks of her time with Derek would flog her, and she would be forced to relive them all over again.

She was just standing there, inhaling and exhaling, staring at the newly covered grave, where only a small height difference showed that a old friend, an ass but also someone's true love, her 'soul mate' was lying beneath the ground. Meredith stood there, lost in thought and pity for her friend, when a tall figure came up and stood beside her.

Her heart leapt and settled in her throat. Could it be him? She looked out of the corner of her eye, and sure enough it was.

"The biggest man in brain surgery, eh?" Meredith said flatly.

"What can I say? The writers totally fluffed that part up." Derek turned so his face was looking a Meredith, but all he got in return was her profile. "Mere, how are you?" He asked softly.

"I'm doing well." She answered curtly. "You?"

"I'm great, just great" Derek said, shoving his hands in his pockets. He eyed her left hand. "You're married?" It was supposed to be a regular question, but it came out accusing, his voice shaky.

Meredith covered her left hand and blushed self-consciously. "Yeah, I am." She smiled a little smile. "And I have two kids.

Derek tried to stop his mouth from gaping wide open. But it was hard. Meredith Grey, the woman who strongly said that she liked kids, but they were not for her.

Meredith glared at him. "Is that so hard to believe?" she snapped.

Derek nodded furiously. "No…..but then again, it seems a little out there. I mean, you were Meredith-I-Don't-Like-Kids-So-Don't-Ask-Grey. At least when I knew you." Derek said quickly, eyeing the angered look Meredith was giving him, and her face softened. A little bit.

He looked at her, right into her eyes. "That was a long time ago though." He said quietly.

Meredith had been looking at him, but when he said that, her whole body tensed up and she looked away.

"Meredith, don't go!"

"Listen to me!"

"I love you. I choose YOU!"

Meredith shook her head, shaking her thoughts out of her head, forcing herself to think about the present, and not to dwell on the past, and not to relive the past and keep her head in the present!

"Mere? Are you okay?" Derek asked quizzically.

"Yeah. Just a small headache." Meredith said quietly. She was telling herself to ignore it. She had felt a twinge of longing when he had called her Mere, so softly, concern dripping from his every word.

"Please," Meredith started quietly. She cleared her throat. "Please don't call me Mere anymore." She said, louder now, before she turned on her heel and started to walk away.

Derek just gaped at Meredith's back, before realizing that she was walking away from him. Again.

"Meredith! Wait!" He grabbed her arm and turned her around to face her.

Her eyes were in slits, and her cheeks were pink and flushed from the chilly air.

"What Derek?" She said impatiently.

'That's it?" He said, letting go of Meredith's arm and holding his arms out, palms up to the sky, as if he was not just asking Meredith, but God and powers out of his control.

"We can't exactly "be friends" Derek," Meredith said passionately, putting her hands through her hair, wrecking her pulled-back-bun.

Derek frowned, not understanding why Meredith was saying this.

"We can't be friends; we have to much history between us Derek. It just can't happen!"

"It could work! Our history would bring us closer, and it would be great!"

Meredith shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut. "That's just it Derek! We can't be close, we can't be friends, and we can hardly talk to each other. It's just going to end up bad, and I know it. You do. I can't handle being close to you, having you in my life! I….I just can't."

This time when Meredith spun around and stalked off, Derek stayed where he was, his mouth gaping open, staring at the back of the one woman he had ever deeply, truly, loved. And once again, he had let her walk away, and he couldn't quite hold onto her, like the fine grains of sand, slowly slipping out of his fingers, and out of his reach as he hopelessly kept trying to hold onto the sand and the memories of sunny days and happier times.

A/N Okay, that's chapter four, sorry it took me so long, I'm not used to having so many people reading my stories and reviewing them, this is an all time high! (My previous high was three, so thank you!)