Disclaimer: I don't own Hannah Montana

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. Why couldn't I just be perfect? Why couldn't God create me without any flaws? Why can't I look beautiful? I want to be everything I'm not. I want to have a flat tummy and long legs like Miley's. I want to have long flowing blond hair. I want to be the girl who made all the guys jealous. Why couldn't that just be me? Why did I have to be created in this ugly body that I'm trapped in. How did an innocent person get stuck inside of this body? What did I ever do to deserve this? I'm a worthless piece of shit that no one gives a damn about. I hate my fucking life.

I looked myself up and down as I stood in front of the mirror. God, I was hideous. Everything about me looked disgusting. I looked down to my stomach and grabbed a piece of fat that had started growing since I hadn't thrown up in two days. I'm so fucking fat. I have to do everything it takes to make myself thin... everything.

Dammit, I couldn't look at myself like this anymore. I turned away from the mirror trying to avoid my reflection. Pulling my hair up into a bun, I walked over to the sink where I turned on the water. I made my way to the toilet where I sat down and reached for the spoon that was lying on the ground next to me.

Recently I realized I needed to do everything I possibly could to hide this... diet. No one would understand what I was doing and they would send me to some fucking rehab center that's for girls who are skinny and want to be skinnier. Well, I'm fat and need to be skinny, that my friend, is called a diet. A fucking diet. Is that so hard to understand? I know that when I stuck my middle finger down my throat I would normally end up biting my own finger as a reflex, so, I heard that if you use a spoon, that wouldn't happen, so it wouldn't leave the marks therefore no one would ever suspect a thing.

I felt the cold metal hit my throat on the way down. I felt disgusting doing this and for some reason Jackson's words kept running through my head "You'll die before you'll ever be skinny enough!" I mean, is that true? What if all he is saying really is true, what if he really does care. God, who am I kidding, he's a fake ass son of a bitch just like the rest of them. I could feel the food coming up my throat until finally it had escaped my body. I repeated this process a few times before finally rising from my seat and washing the taste of vomit out of my mouth. Finally, everything was back to normal.

"Lily!" I heard coming from the hallway. I quickly wiped my red eyes as I walked out of my bathroom, into my room where I opened my bedroom door to see my mom standing there holding my "dieting" chart the doctors had given us.

"Ya?" I asked making sure I didn't look at her too much to make sure she wouldn't notice my blood shot eyes.

"Did you forget about the weight thing?" Mom asked showing me the card.

"Oh, ya," I said.

"Well are you coming?" Mom asked impatiently. Ever sense this whole thing happened she had been mad. I don't if she was mad at me, the doctors or herself but she was mad. But, no matter what the doctors said I knew that my mom believed me, even though everything I had ever told her was bull shit.

"I just need to finish up in here real quick," I told her.

"Fine, but hurry up I have a 2 o'clock meeting," She said as she rested a hand on her hip.

"Kay," I said as I closed my bedroom door as I rolled my eyes. I walked over to my closet and pulled the only skirt I owned off a hanger. I had read about this trick on a pro-mia blog once and I thought I might as well try it now. I knew that covering my weight loss and making it look like I had gained weight would not be easy but, I needed to do it. Being thin was my life, and there was no way I was going to let my dream go all because some fucking doctor told me I was too skinny. Once the skirt was on I pulled out the jar of pennies that I had, had in my closet since I was a little girl. I felt a little strange as I pulled my skirt away from my body and poured the pennies down my underwear, but, it needed to me done. I needed to make my mom believe I was fatter. Without gaining weight, and this was the way to do it. When I finally couldn't stuff any more coins down my skirt I started walking out of my room, well the best I could at least with a dollar worth of pennies in my panties. I carefully walked into the living room. I noticed my mom staring at me.

"Your wearing a skirt?" she said, eyebrows raised.

"I just felt like it," I said shrugging my shoulders, trying to play it off.

"Fine," mom said shrugging her shoulders.

"Okay, lets get this over with," Mom sighed as she walked over to the $300 scale she had bought that was in the dining room. I chewed nervously on my bottom lip as I walked over to the scale. Just remember that it's with the pennies, I have pennies in my skirt, that's weighing me down. My mom flicked on the scale and then told me to get on. I did as she said and got on. The numbers swirled by my eye until it finally settled on 104 pounds. Dammit.

"See, the doctors are crazy, you're fine, that's normal," mom said as she rolled her eyes and walked off. Normal? Normal?! Is she serious? 104 is not normal! It's fat! Like me and my fat ass. I was a huge, fat ugly bitch who deserved to die. I waddled back into my room. When I finally reached it I slammed the door shut and immediately removed all the coins from my underwear. I had gotten fatter. I mean seriously those few coins could not have weighed twelve pounds. I was ninety two pounds the last time I weighed myself. At the hospital I was ninety eight and now I'm 104? Oh God, I needed to run, I needed to burn calories to work up a sweat. I needed to lose this weight. I ripped off my skirt and shirt and put on a pair of baggy sweat pants and an oversized t shirt. I slipped on my sneakers and started heading for the door.

"Going on a run, be back soon!" I yelled before I exited the house. Dr. Adler had advised me not to do this anymore but I needed to. I didn't give a shit about what anyone was told me. That size 12 was creeping up on me and if I quit doing this, those plus size jeans will be hanging in my closet again before I knew it. And my God, I would die before I let that happen.

I felt every eye on me, scanning my body for ever flaw, ever roll of fat that hung over my sweats. I could hear the whispers as size 0 women stared at my double chin and fat cheeks noticing everything about me that made me ugly. I hated myself.

I ran until I could barely breath. Until I finally reached a rock where I walked over and sat down on. I tried to catch my breath. I told myself I couldn't drink water because that meant I was adding on water weight to my body and God knows I don't need more weight of any kind. I felt dizziness over come me as I closed my eyes and put my head in my hands. Jackson's words rung through my head

"You'll die before you'll ever be skinny enough," Dammit Jackson. Why'd you have to do this to me. Nothing is wrong with me I'm dieting. Right? My thoughts were interrupted when I heard someone behind me.

"Lily?" I turned to see who it was. Shit. I could have known. It was Jackson. This guy seems to be everywhere lately.

"Oh, it's you," I said turning back around.

"How are you feeling?" Jackson asked as he walked over to me.

"Fine, everything is fine... no in fact it's peachy," I said sarcastically.

"Do you're parents know?" He asked as he sat down on the rock next to me.

"No and I'm planning on keeping it that way until the day I die," I said standing up. I needed to get away from him. I couldn't take the concerned looks and worried eyes. It was like a mask. A mask that I just wanted to rip right off his fake ass face.

"Lily..." I heard him say. I stood still. I didn't turn to face him. But I didn't run. God, what am I doing? I should be running screaming at him to fuck off. Why am I still standing here. But for some reason, my feet wouldn't move. Something about his words spilling out of his mouth about how he cares, held me back from running away.

"What do you want me to do Jackson?!" I yelled as I turned to face him, throwing my hands up in the air. "do you want me to break down in your arms and ask you to help me?"

I could feel tears begin to fall from my eyes. This is ridiculous. I had made it through a year of doing this, why is it all of a sudden so damn hard? I closed my eyes and tried to compose myself. Before I could move I felt two arms being wrapped around me. I didn't resist as Jackson pulled me into his chest.

"Jackson... help me..." I muttered through my sobs. It was the only thing I could say. I knew it now. I was finally broken.

A/N" I seriously do not know what's with me lately! I just cannot seem to write at all. Well, maybe next chapter will be better. I tried to prolong the scence between Lily and Jackson but I decided it sounded like the same thing yet again so I shortened it, I hope it doesn't seem to rushed. And the underwear thing is a real thing people really do.

I changed the rating due to language

I have pretty much decided how I want to end this story (no worries there are 11 chapters left) but updates should get a little quicker.

So I have narrowed it down to two people for Jackson to tell, Robby Ray or Oliver? vote and tell me.

Oh and also, the beginning mirror scene was inspired by the youtube video linked in my profile. Please check it out, it gave me chills.

Next chapter: Jackson tells Lily's secret (should be a lot of Lackson in this one!)

Thanks for reading!