When people are at a dead end and realize that their lives are crashing around them. There is one thing we are expected to do: go to the beginning of it all.
That's exactly what Kaoru did.
Two days after her breakdown in Soujiro's arms, she decided to look back on her life, properly this time. Five years ago she was just a normal college student, having fun with life, without a care in the world. Now, she seemed to feel older than she should be, she felt like all her problems were constantly pulling her down.
Failed marriages do that to people, right?
Five years, she wasted such a large amount of her life…
Picking up a dusty photo album, she proceeded to lovingly trace its cover. They made this together… out of simple cardboard and paper…
There was a picture of her and Kenshin in front of Tokyo U pasted on its cover, smiling with his arm intertwined with hers.
Where did that all go?
Did they really ruin an eleven year friendship so carelessly?
'What-ifs' circled her head as she wondered.
What if Kenshin didn't marry her? Would they still be friends?
What if she never agreed to marry Kenshin in the first place?
Shutting her eyes tightly, the raven haired girl clenched her hands tightly around the photo album.
Regrets, was that all she would have from now on?
What hurt more than everything she had been through were the dreams of what could have been if she had made a different decision. Doesn't everyone have the same opinion?
Pain washed over her as she wished she could have prevented all of this from happening.
If only she hadn't agreed to naively to the engagement their fathers proposed to them. If only she realized Kenshin was only being forced to marry her then. She would have broken it off.
He was her best friend…
There was just no way to express how much regret she felt. A bittersweet smile formed itself on her chapped lips as her hands quivered.
It was torture for her, to be looking at the past and wish there was some way to go back.
It was torture for her to see herself having happy moments with her best friend without betrayals and infidelities hanging like shadows in dark corners of their minds.
Shakily, she flipped the cover, revealing more pictures of her and Kenshin.
flashback
"Kenshin!!!" an energetic voice called out, waving frantically.
The said teen turned around, his vibrant red hair whipping around him as he went. "Kaoru!"
A girl, the same age as him ran towards his direction, the smile on her face never disappearing. "We're going out tonight! Tomoe-chan invited us to go to a party at her place!" she informed him excitedly, her blue eyes twinkling.
Kenshin smiled back at her, but there was an emotion that passed through his eyes at the mention of Tomoe's name. Kaoru thought nothing of it, thinking it was only surprise.
"Well? Will you come with me?"
"Why should I?" Kenshin teased his friend, smirking as he turned and opened his locker.
"Well, maybe because I'm your best friend and you'll never leave me alone with frat boys crawling all over the place wanting to get little old me!" Kaoru told him, smiling brightly all the while, knowing that she'll win over Kenshin anyway.
Kenshin shot her a pointed glare which she ignored. She was too used to his glares for them to affect her anymore.
"Fine." Was the teen's forced response, closing his locker.
Kaoru nodded her head, "We're going to have a great time!" she declared, punching her hand into the air, oblivious to Kenshin's fond smile directed her way.
end of flashback
Kaoru smiled sadly, tears pooling in her eyes as she remembered the moment she had invited him to go with her.
They were so close then, no one was seen without the other…
Blinking back her tears, she stared almost brokenly at the picture of them at one of Tomoe's parties.
With her shaking hand, she moved to once again trace the face of Kenshin… and herself…
Where did that young energetic girl go? The girl who was always up for a challenge…
Where did she go?
Biting her lower lip hard, she closed her eyes tightly before opening them once again. "You can do this Kaoru…"
Choking down a pained sob, she flipped the pages filled with happy pictures almost harshly, stopping at the picture of their engagement party.
flashback
"Congratulations to Kenshin and Kaoru! May you be happy in the following years!" a man shouted vigorously, raising a glass of champagne towards the couple.
Kaoru smiled, nodding her head at the man to indicate her appreciation.
Kenshin however, remained quietly seated in his chair, staring into nothingness. Kaoru was concerned by this, and proceeded to nudge him on the side.
"Kenshin, are you alright?" she asked her fiancé, brows drawn together in worry.
Kenshin spared her a small glance before nodding his head, still not speaking.
Kaoru pouted, was he mad at her?
"Kaoru-chan! Join the dancing!" Tomoe shouted at the girl, waving at her to get her attention.
Kaoru smiled at the girl, acknowledging her. Turning to Kenshin, she gently asked him to come along with her.
"Tomoe's calling us over to dance! Let's go!" Kaoru cheerfully grinned.
As if snapping out of a trance, amber eyes blinked at turned its gaze to her before roving and settling on the dance floor. Eyes brightening with renewed vigor. "We should go then." He replied softly, standing up and walking over to the dance floor… directly to Tomoe.
Kaoru smiled as her best friend twirled Tomoe on the dance floor, clearly enjoying themselves.
"The groom dancing with the bride's maid before the bride? How strange." An old lady remarked, looking at Kaoru pointedly as if conveying some secret meaning to it.
Kaoru looked over at the old lady who spoke, smiling gently, "Kenshin and Tomoe have been friends almost as long as we have been. It's no wonder they're close."
With that said, the sapphire eyed girl looked on at the dancing couple.
She was completely unaware of the sympathetic look the lady sent her way.
end flashback
She glared at the picture, scrutinizing it closely.
Her heart stopped as she looked at Kenshin's profile… or rather… his eyes…
They were looking at Tomoe.
Her heart thundered in her ears as a wave of anguish and disbelief washed over her. Wrenching the picture out of the album, she held it towards the light, a small skeptical laugh escaping her lips. There was no way Kenshin would be looking at Tomoe in their engagement picture. No way…
Looking at it closely, she felt tears gather in her eyes as the picture fell soundlessly from her held up hand. Even with her tears, there was no denying it…
He was really looking at her friend. A desperate choking sound escaped her as she dashed towards the album on the floor, flipping page after page with vicious force. It was a wonder the pages weren't torn apart.
Denial kept ripping at her as she looked at every single picture after their engagement party.
Every single picture…
There was no denying or covering up the evident facts in front of her.
Staring in shock at the pictures lying scattered upon the rug covered floor, she felt her heart beat wildly in her chest, an incredible feeling of betrayal, just like how she felt when she first knew Kenshin was cheating on her. Her brain seemed to freeze, unable to think anymore. Her arms felt like lead, hanging uselessly on her sides.
Rage, unparalleled, filled her being. Tears splattered the pictures as she kneeled on the floor, her hands braced at the sides of the album.
HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO HER?!
A furious scream was violently ripped from her throat as she glared in abhorrence at the pictures.
Adrenaline rushed throughout her whole system as her shaking incensed hands picked up the album and stood on shaky legs.
She placed her hands on the top on each side of its spine…
And ripped it apart…
Pouring out all her hate and despair into tearing it apart, small pieces of paper flittered around the room as she continued to mutilate the album, screaming and crying all the while.
Forcefully, she threw away the last vestiges of the hateful book and slid to her knees once again.
There was a strange sort of contentment that washed over her as she got rid of her anger. Her body was still tense as her bloodshot eyes wandered over the mess that she made in her room. Pieces of pictures were strewn across the floor…
A bitter smile appeared on her pale face before it disappeared, replaced with her anguished sobs that racked her entire body with its force. She fell gracelessly to the floor, landing on her side. Cupping her face in her hands, she continued to cry.
It seemed like ages before she stopped.
And when she did, all she did was stare listlessly on the floor, unmoving.
Somehow, she knew that Kenshin was in love with someone. He wasn't the type of man to take a mistress just to hurt her. He would only do such a dishonorable thing when he loved that person… loved enough to sacrifice his honor… their friendship…
And again, she realized that it was her own fault that this had happened to her. If she had noticed the signs… all those signs…
The nervousness whenever Tomoe was near…
The caring glimmer in his eyes whenever he looked at her…
The love in his smile whenever their eyes met…
Why hadn't she realized sooner?
If she was honest enough, she should have realized that she had hoped that in time that those things he gave her would be directed at her. She had hoped the love Kenshin had for Tomoe would be for her instead.
If she was honest enough, she confessed that she was jealous because Tomoe was taking Kenshin away from her…
Kenshin…
Her best friend…
Her confidant…
The one who always comforted her…
The one who was always selfless and kind to her…
And what did she do? She ruined all his chances of being happy just because she married him. She ruined their friendship, not him. She ruined everything, just because of her selfishness. She shouldn't blame Kenshin.
When she told him she loved him, she realized it wasn't said out of true feelings, but out of her spite at that time. Her last glitch attempt to hurt him…
And Kenshin was probably guilty for hurting her then…
They were friends. And they should have stayed that way.
She could still fix things between them…
There was still hope.
There was a feeling of peace after this revelation. A feeling of serenity in that one moment…
In that instant everything was put into a new perspective, as if she was just waking up and looking at everything in a new light.
Finally, her confusion was over.
It was finally over…
Though it might be the hardest thing we have to do, we must all look back on the beginning when we lose our way. We look back and try to survive the questions, regrets and sorrows that threaten to pull us apart as we relive every moment, because at the end, we begin to learn from our past…
And we figure out how to face the present…
Some people are afraid to do this. They fear what they might see, what they might suddenly realize. They look for the truth in other places, even if they know they would not find it there.
Kaoru wasn't one of these people.
Sure, she had felt fear, but what was important was that she overcame that. She faced all the pain and the suffering… and learned the simple truth of her life.
She learned of her mistakes, learned from her choices.
And the burden she carried was suddenly lifted from her shoulders.
In moments of blinding clarity, we feel the freedom and innocence that we once lost.
She was finally free from all the deceit, lies and misconceptions that covered her past. Finally free from her burdens, her hate…
When she decided to hide her past away, that was the greatest mistake she had made, simply because burying everything wasn't going to help her move on.
Facing her past is the last key to healing a broken state.
Kaoru gingerly tested her limbs as she pushed herself to a comfortable sitting position. Looking over her surroundings once more, her blue eyes landed on a small picture.
It had miraculously escaped being torn apart, it seemed.
Silently, she picked it up, looking at it.
It was the picture on the cover…
A bright smile stole on her lips as she looked at the picture.
Walking over to her closet, she pulled out her casual attire and walked towards the bathroom.
Determination colored her features as she looked at her reflection in the mirror.
She looked horrible, obviously.
But she felt greater than she ever had.
"Cheer up, Kaoru! We still have a friendship to save!" she cheered herself on, grinning.
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