Chapter 2 – Specks of Hope

I ran away and far enough into the wild, flaying arms of the mysterious jungle where the enticing fragrance and the recurring call of human blood were expelled from my impelled mind. But the sadistic thoughts were still there and the barely existent voices constantly luring me with unimaginable thoughts; seductive whispers spinning in my head at any sign of human beings. It was cruel to think both ways and have two minds living in one body; cruel to endure.

In this abandoned abyss – a lively jungle of predators and victims was where I decided I blended-in quite well into the picture. All the lovely things of my old life had now ceased forever like a setting sun forever to sink and never come up again – that was the world for me. This is my life now – no cheerful sun, nor twinkling stars. I was completely lost, and my existence was vacant and eternal like a depthless pit.

There were no friends; no company here in this impenetrable jungle of hidden life. The animals were merely food, not friends. The trees witnessed my every murder of the lives it had bore since birth; the ground had sipped the blood I had spilled. Yes, I hungrily killed them – the little friends of the jungle. Where were my friends now? Who would be my friends now? The answer was in the silent puff of the wind and the hollow echo that hummed through the jungle. Instantaneously, I knew I couldn't live like this forever. I had to find some means of escape.

After battling out with my conscience for ages at many points in my repulsive existence, I had finalized a decision to end this suffering with suicide. Who would ever think I was capable of suicide? Never, never would I ever have come to this hopeless conclusion that the world without me would be a better place, until I became this. Damn you, Gerhard, I cursed internally my fiery temper that rose and fell in exactly where I am now – at the foot of mercy.

"End my life, please." I whispered on my knees and between sobs. "I can't take this burden any further." But no one answered, only the wind in its silent puffs who offered no comfort.

Desperate and in agony, I griped myself firmly and told myself that I had to end this life. My foggy mind drowning in despair decided suicide was for the best. Drunk in misery, I stood at the edge of the cliff which stood tall above the caves. Ready to throw myself over, I stood over the edge, head much too cluttered to think. I leaned too far off the edge, but as soon as I saw how far down it was, it struck me with alarm, I stumbled to fall back but it was too late, I had fallen off headlong. For a brief moment I was flying straight towards death's sweet kiss. I landed with a crash on the hard rocks. I got up, with granite limbs intact and nothing broken. I was in disbelief, and even more flustered as I realized death had rejected me. Many other attempts after that were all as futile.

I sat on the edge of the branch of the tree with my legs vigorously swinging, causing a slight ripple in the broad, layered trunk. Time well spent indeed, I thought to myself. And there it was the deathly silent word, time. I had never come to a favorable proximity of grasping time in my hands, and now more than ever, I would never need to again. Could it have been days, months, or years I had been dead to the rest of the world? I didn't really want to know.

Life was no life at all. I knew at some point that I would have to go back and into the loose embrace of my old life. I couldn't resist the thought, it was too promising. I would work harder, if I could stop myself from drinking human blood – I stubbornly promised myself. There was no way I could give up hope now, I couldn't bear to. And the thoughts went on simultaneously like a forgiving mantra. I used these little thoughts to distract the real issue, and for much of my futile subsistence, it worked.

I would go back to Charlie; to Forks, Washington. He wouldn't have to see me of course; I would just take a long, hard glimpse of him then I would leave forever. The thoughts were becoming unimaginable. Suddenly, there in my head was a burnished image of massacre, and then it was a subtle image of forgiveness – I could see it in Charlie's watery eyes, and then it was just a dull crimson everywhere. I couldn't take it anymore, but a part of me was hungry, thirsty – I screamed and felt the monster laugh and giggle. Horrified, I was, I lifted my feet swiftly above the ground, but fell over the entrenched roots at the foot of the massive tree. With dust in my mouth, I lay there on my face silently waiting for someone to save me from myself.

By now I was convinced that it was pivotal that I pinched my nose from any breath of hope killing my breathless lungs. The more I hoped the more lives I would steal, I contemplated. Despite the stabbing feeling of heartache, I knew I could never return to my old life; to see the people I love. The knowledge of harm I could bring to them was both insufferably heartbreaking and suffocating.

I stared up using my concrete chin as support, far beyond the darkened sky and into the horizon where the neon, red sun had fallen into another cheery lit day – spilling its radiance everywhere it went. The day had disappeared; but life goes on at the next brilliant sunrise. As difficult as it often became, life would carry on. The cycle of feelings of guilt, forgiveness, and hope would roll over and over again in a tedious drive. Clearly, I would never be completely forgiven, and never allowed to move on. The rain cloud was where I stood; eternal suffering was where I stood.

Gradually as life moved on, the seasons passed, flowers died and bloomed, life flourished and multiplied, I forced myself to awake from the disputing thoughts and clarification of mind. The determination I griped with my weak and withered hands was small and weak. Much of my cerebral strength and will had been drained in my regrets. Day by day, I gathered bits of strength that lay on the ground like debris.

As winter approached, I continued to stay in the jungle and often wondering around. By now I knew my new home inside-out, every trail, every tree, and every path. White frail snowflakes floated in the air gradually piling up the ground with snow. The wild, mysterious jungle now wrapped in white snow appeared to me as innocent and lonely. I leaned back and fell into a cold, white, soft bed. I spread out my arms brushing it gently up and down against the ground creating a snow angel. I laughed to myself and heard it reverberate though the friendless jungle. I sighed and brushed the snow off, hardly feeling the cold even though my green blouse and jeans was in tatters. I still held on to my purse which had some ID, 20 bucks, 40 cents and my debit card.

I finally made the decision to return; I would go to Forks to "visit" Charlie. I couldn't procrastinate anymore; I had to face my fear – myself. Seeing Charlie again was the only thing rationalizing the past months in hell. Whether I was strong enough, I did not know. But I had it all planned out. I told myself, if I ever felt the need to –. I just couldn't bring myself to say it. But I would run away even before I had the thought of harming Charlie. Somewhere deep inside me, I knew I would never hurt him.

"I could never," I roared within my chest. "I would never!"

The next thing that came to my mind was money. I had been able to find my way back to the city, several hours running I arrived back at civilization. At first I was rather nervous to return to the presence of humans, all the while I was holding my breath and trying so hard not to smell. It took me awhile to realize that I was no longer breathing for hours. I took out all my money in my bank account which was altogether about five thousand bucks. I dumped my purse somewhere near an alleyway with the inside cluttered out so it would like I was robbed. I knew I couldn't use my ID.

I read a bit on how to make fake ID's in a magazine once, not that I ever thought I would need it. I guess it was pure luck I did. I decided I needed to borrow a school library's computer. I headed down to the nearest high school I could find where no one knew me.

There was a big white school at the end of the block. I quickly made my way up the concrete steps ignoring stares from other kids. I knew what they were thinking; they were all dazzled by the porcelain quality of my skin. Luckily, I had bought new clothes; I could easily be mistaken as one of the students. I could smell their blood, as delicious it tasted, I could imagine but I could hold back; I was becoming stronger, I was glad. I avoided them like the plague, barely making any eye contact. I distracted myself by concentrating on where to find the library.

As soon as they kids was done roaming their eyes on my skin they looked away like I was nothing new, just another regular girl. The odd thing was I knew where the library was. I walked three right turns deeper into the building and then a left where there were two red doors with a sign on the door saying 'Library' just as I had imagined. I was bewildered by the strange déjà vu feeling.

It was a pretty good school, well stocked, and it was financially well supported. I looked around for any sign of threat but no one seemed to notice my entrance. There were hardly any students in the library, and the librarian was busy typing information into her silver flat-screen computer, I could barely make out her face much of which was buried beneath the load of paperwork scattered on her desk.

I dashed to the computer at the other side of the room, glad that I made no spectacle. Heads turned as I flew to the other side of the room in a second. I realized my mistake, but I immediately looked away hoping they would think they were imagining it. The librarian however, was concentrating on her work and made no notice of what just happened. Still, every now and then it was hard to avoid the temptation, especially since there were only three people in the room. But I quickly focused my mind on something else.

As soon as the heads shook and looked away, I started picking out some pictures from my e-mail that Renee sent me when we were out. I felt like crying as I looked through the pictures – we were happy. There was one in particular that made a lump bulge at my throat. I felt unable to swallow. I couldn't bear to look at it anymore and simply cut my face out of the picture. I twit it a little here and there, making it look like a driver's license picture. As soon as I had finished I printed it off placing Teslin in the printing machine. As soon as the printing sounds started to go off, I felt a human behind me. I turned around, startled by his closeness. Bloody fool, he looked like an idiot as he stared blankly at me. Run! I felt like screaming at him. His blank, vacant face let out a chuckle. He thought I had a crush on him. You foolish boy, I thought to myself. The only thing I would want you for is your blood.

I stared in horror, as he refused to leave. In fact he pushed passed me, his tender human skin brushing against mine reaching for the paper from the printing machine. The monster started to growl with excitement, I could imagine me ripping up his throat. My head was literally in screams. The other half of my brain was ahead of the monster; it knew that if the boy had found out what I was trying to do in the library, I would have to kill him. I was distracted by his hand reaching for the paper. I snatched it away from the printer before he had reached it.

"Excuse me," I said, "This is mine."

"Oh," he said, surprised by the somewhat rude gesture. I turned away and tried to walk as slowly as my excitement would allow. I finally got my fake ID, as childish as it may seem, I was happy because now I can fly to Forks. I looked down on the details I had placed. I laughed as I read my new name, Bella Lovett. I spent a couple of months preparing for my flight.

Throughout the flight I was ecstatic. It must have bothered the stewardess that I had refused everything she offered – food, drinks, or blanket. But there was one thing I did take, it was the headphones. There weren't many songs to pick from, so I just went with the instrumentals.

It was now August when I arrived in Forks. The green of the trees was so different and unlike Phoenix. There were broken pieces of memories that lingered in my head as I looked upon this place. I almost forgot I was carrying a little brown suitcase because it was so light. I stepped out of the plane and inhaled the sweet air; I could smell the forest even from here. I smiled, happy to be somewhere I grew up; the familiarity swept most of the past months away, but I knew it wasn't long before it would all come back to me. There wasn't much sun here; it wasn't as bright as it was in Phoenix where I had to hide in my clothing.

I waved at the cab, hoping that would be the right human gesture to beckon a cab. It slid in smoothly and stopped at the exit of the terminal. I peered into the cab, at the patient cab driver and remembered to slid in slowly enough for the humans to consider inconspicuous. I murmured the address and soon enough we were headed for Charlie's house. I stared out the window and watched the sky as it gradually darkened, bleached by the crimson sunset.

As I continued to look out, I suddenly caught the reflection of my pallid, expressionless face on the glass window. I noted that my eyes had begun to fade in color, it was no longer held beastly the scarlet red, but it was more a poignant carnation. It drained in its evil red color and was added a hint of yellowish-brown tincture. Perhaps I was starting to fail at being a vampire, but something told me even as I hoped, I would never be human again.

I looked at the reflected expression of that impassive face and those sad bleached eyes. I tried to smile, but it looked like I was wincing. But with those brilliant teeth, she actually didn't look too bad, might actually convince someone.

I saw from the corner of my eye, the middle-aged cabby look into his rear view, and his face showed signs of disapproval from the way those appearing wrinkles held, like he was worried that I might need some mental help for smiling at the window. I almost smiled, but had to control myself.

My eyes were fixed on the road ahead. I felt a mix of excitement and anxiety. I felt that tears would swell up in my eyes, had I been human. Fear and relief pulsed into me – the mixed emotions created a sensation in me. I griped the front seat, afraid that I might faint.

I had to be careful of almost everything, and with this new body and its new functions, everything seemed to be given an addition. The cabby braked the cab abruptly in front of Renee's house; I might have been thrown into the back seat had I not held the front seat. I heard a small rip coming from the old front seat. I was right, I had slightly ripped it. It was somewhat good to know that I was still clumsy even as a bloodsucker.

I pulled out some change from my pocket and handed it to the cabby not really knowing how much I gave him. I jumped out of the car, slamming the door behind me. I walked slowly even though my mind was running anxiously towards the house. I took a couple of deep breaths feeling almost unable to breathe.

Clarifications: Well here is my second chapter, and I hope it was no less good than my first. Hope it doesn't sound too rushed either. I tried to demonstrate Bella as being a vampire as much as I could. In this part, Bella has not completely overcome her need to feed on human blood neither has she made the choice not to but since she has been staying away from humans for awhile, she feels she is more able to resist from killing them. Unlike Edward, Carlisle, and the rest of the gang, Bella does not have much information on being a vampire, but most of the basic things she has either figured out on her own or will soon find out. Whether or not Bella will kill Charlie is up to me and the rest you just have to wait for the next chapter. Any questions, feel free to ask.