(A/N: Whoa, okay, to make up for the last chapter being oddly long, this one is unintentionally a bit short. But the next chapter is going to be the Big Finish, so I guess this one was just fated to be this way. In other news, I am endlessly entertained at LeChuck and Guybrush making fun of each other's penises.)
Part 7: Got It In Two
"Threepwood!"
"It's Threepwood-Marley now," Guybrush whined, though he knew LeChuck couldn't hear him. "How long are people going to keep making that mistake?"
"In their defense, you have gone around introducing yourself as 'Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate' for a number of years now," Elaine pointed out.
"Yeah. It does kinda roll off the tongue better. Which building d'you think he's in?"
"Try the middle one and we'll work outward from there."
"Sounds good. Hang on."
With one arm wrapped firmly around his petite wife and the other clinging tightly to their length of vine, Guybrush Threepwood-Marley leapt from his perch in the tallest, sturdiest tree they could find nearby and swung into the zombie camp over the heads of all LeChuck's minions. The air whistled dramatically around them, they executed a perfect, picturesque arc - and at the very height of that arc, the vine unceremoniously snapped, and they hung in the air suspended by momentum for a split second before plummeting downward.
"Ahhhh!" they both screamed, pitches far too similar for Guybrush to retain his dignity. Clutching desperately at each other, they fell and fell until they burst feet-first through the straw-thatched roof of a building and landed on its dirt floor. As Guybrush picked himself up and helped Elaine to her feet, making sure she still had their Ultimate Insult in hand, it occurred to him that the building's only other occupant was an irritatingly familiar heavy-set bearded pirate - one whose entire body was now tinged faintly gold, save the hat on his head that glowed bronze and his glinting silver belt buckle, which was shaped like the head of a monkey.
"Well," said Guybrush, blinking at LeChuck, "that's convenient."
"You great blond buffoon!" cried LeChuck, attempting to lunge for Guybrush but barely twitching a couple of millimeters. "Why, if I could budge, you'd be dead already!"
"Not so fast," said Elaine, brandishing their own (rather smaller) Ultimate Insult at the undead pirate. "We've not come in here unprepared. We're ready to take you down once and for all!"
"Oh, sweet Elaine, why have ye chosen this lily-livered ninny over me? Think of all the power I could give you!"
"I think she's thinking more along the lines of all the, ah, nicer things you can't give her," Guybrush commented with a bit of a leer, tugging her closer to him and wrapping his hand over hers around the Ultimate Insult.
"What be a few - small earthly pleasures against the majesty of eternal life as Queen of the Undead?"
"Trust me, pal, I don't think your offer measures up."
"And anyway," said Elaine with a glare, "this isn't about earthly pleasures or eternal life, it's about love! I could have sworn we just went over this! Guybrush Threepwood-Marley is the only man I will ever love. That is why he is my husband and that is why we're here to get rid of you!" And she waved the Insult dramatically in his direction. And predictably, nothing happened.
LeChuck blinked at her, and for all his professed love for her he was barely holding back an amused grin. She turned to look at Guybrush and he was facing sheepishly away.
"What?" she demanded.
"Uh, you...don't really know how to use an Ultimate Insult, do you?" Guybrush said, trying to be kind about it.
Elaine looked at their small figurine, then at LeChuck, and then back to Guybrush. "Well if you're so smart then you do it, mister mighty pirate!"
"Don't mind if I do! Hand it over."
She placed the Insult fully into his hands before throwing up her own, turning away. "Fine, fine. I'm only the governor of the entire tri-island area, and it's not like I'm your last line of defense against an ego-shattering talisman of evil - "
"Honey?" said Guybrush.
"What?"
"I could still really use your help."
He smiled sweetly at her, and it melted her heart the same way it always had, so she stepped up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist, closing her eyes and burying her face between his shoulderblades. "Do it," she commanded into his back.
And suddenly whatever it was, he was doing it. She could feel the whole of him humming with the power of the Ultimate Insult, both the magic their own was emitting and the force she was deflecting as the Insult-repellent. It was a strange sensation, as though it should be burning but it wasn't, fizzling through her like a firecracker; she realized suddenly that this must be what most voodoo felt like, and how fortunate she was to have mostly avoided it, except for that one time she'd ended up as a solid gold statue. She was vaguely aware of voices coming from the two men, though not sure if they were actually speaking, as the voices seemed half-human and half-ape, speaking words she had never heard before. All in all it was very surreal.
The whole thing had been going on for nearly twenty minutes when it occurred to Elaine that Guybrush's legs were getting a bit wobbly and that perhaps it should not be taking this long. She squeezed around him a little tighter and he grunted - she definitely knew it was him doing the grunting. Was something going wrong?
"Guybrush?" she called, but he didn't respond. "Guybrush? Love?" She shook him a little and he almost collapsed - something was definitely up. She peeked over his shoulder. "Er, LeChuck?" He didn't answer her either, though it did reassure her that his shiny golden form seemed to be vibrating a little around the edges. What on Earth was happening?
She didn't dare let go of Guybrush - she was practically the only thing holding him up by this point - so there was only one thing she could think of to do.
"Help!" she cried. "Somebody please, come quick! Hel--!"
And surprisingly quickly, help came.
"You've got to get out of here!" an oddly echoing voice yelled, and suddenly Elaine found herself pinned to the floor, both she and Guybrush having been tackled bodily away from LeChuck by someone in a large fruity mask.
She looked up at him, where he lay sprawled across her almost comfortably (conversely, she was pretty sure her elbow was lodged rather awkwardly against Guybrush's spine). "Cannibal!" she screamed, still scared for her life and already trying to concoct excuses as to why she wouldn't taste good - but then she looked closer at the eyes behind the mask, the solid (if scrawny) form on top of hers, and her heart was almost back to beating normally. "No," she breathed, "Tulio."
"Got it in two," he said, and even with the mask she knew he was grinning. "Now grab the hubby and let's go!"
With Tulio's help, Elaine lifted the trembling Guybrush to his feet - but he wouldn't stand, so Tulio and Miguel - also dressed as a cannibal - made him a sort of chair out of their arms, and as they were hoisting him into it she pressed a soft kiss to his clammy forehead.
Then the two of them were rushing him out of LeChuck's shack, and Elaine could do nothing but follow.
xxxxx
Guybrush didn't really remember passing out, but when he snapped back to consciousness with Elaine, a very woodsy Miguel and a very sticky Tulio hovering over him, that was really the only thing that could have happened.
"Guybrush darling, thank goodness!" Elaine breathed, throwing her arms around his neck. He blinked and groaned a little, but he could still feel all his extremities and he knew his name was Guybrush Threepwood-Marley so he figured it was all right.
"You were shaking like a leaf," said Miguel, sounding a bit worried. "I'm glad to see it's wearing off."
"What happened to you?" asked Elaine, sounding significantly more worried.
"I - I don't know," he said. "I felt like we were fighting just fine, Insult to Insult, but even with your protection I couldn't seem to win."
"That's because you can't fight Insult to Insult," said Tulio. They turned to look at him. He was brandishing an old, decrepit book, which he set on the ground between the four of them where they sat (very temporarily - Guybrush could hear the skeleton minions clattering around looking for them) hidden in some bushes and started flipping through in search of a specific page.
"Well, you can," added Miguel. "But as you may have just noticed, it doesn't accomplish anything."
"Hey now," Guybrush said suddenly, "you guys ditched us for the gold! Why should I believe anything you say?"
"Oh, you don't have to believe us," said Tulio. "You just have to believe the book."
He turned the proper page so that it was upright toward Guybrush, and from the moment he saw the large torn-out piece that was missing, he knew they were right. He lifted out his log book and fitted the section back into place.
"If you think about it," said Elaine after a minute, "this actually does make quite a bit more sense."
Guybrush looked at the total text of the ripped sentence:
The only way to defeat an Ultimate Insult is by using another powerful voodoo artifact known as the Ultimate Comeback.