Beloved Chalice (for what else rhymes with Alice?? Well except for callous)

(NOTE TO YOU: this response will contain much use of heavy sarcasm also. Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

I write addressing a certain photographic exhibit you posted of me based on -flicks wand- Hogwarts society.

Let me put forward my defensive argument to prove your complete failure at being a good hula hooper (because my hips move faster than yours -snaps fingers in z formation- I mean hips -cough- what man has hips?)

It is as follows, and if you feel the need to challenge this, you can speak to my lawyer, the one and only dodo the…dodo (1800 PIGS FLY):

1. I question, why must you always be sneaking around with that camera of yours?

And I mean all the time, it has gotten to the stage where Jasper's thoughts consist only of plans to destroy the goddam technology which involve: a) exchanging it with gypsies for a tambourine, b) melting it in a pot of hot tomato sauce and c) using it to smash open coconuts on a tropical island.

Is it bad enough that you captured photos of Emmett dressed as a CareBear and me as a Teletubby?? (before the readers ask, I was NOT Tinky Winky, rather I always had a -shifty eyes- thing for Po)

I mean it was a children's party, a twenty-first isn't exactly an age old enter-the-drop-false-teeth-walking-sticks-and-frame-stampede affair, compared to say…well for lack of a hotter, sexier, smarter, talented, extremely modest creature – ME!!

-does an Edward Cullen dance-

2. Magic wands are so cool that a) polar bears died out and b) you are just jealous and secretly pining to join the MAGIC Club (Mutilate Alice's Geographically International Convention).

And the scar makes me look ten times, no a million infinite times better than you'll ever be.

Yes, I'm afraid your moustache just can't live up to the high expectations. Which reminds me, I still have your diary -smirks- and I believe you wrote a very enlightening entry.

-ahem-

I shall quote word for word, letter for letter, spelling error for spelling error, etc for etc:

"It was the annualle mousse-tache event and as I brushed my hare in the mirror, fachial hair that is, I could almost feal the trophee in my hands as a vivid dreame overtook my sensess. I reliased it was not a dreame but a visien, and I knew what I had to do. Pom poms, mini umbreallas, feathers and pipe kleaners were arrangeed in the shape of a carrot. And of coarse, my mousse-tache was brite brite blue, the colour of the fruit, DUH."

-you fume reading this letter in your vision-

If it is a war you want, well then it is a war you shall get.

I repeat, any passengers boarding flight 103…

-cough cough-

-shuffles papers on desk awkwardly-

-shifts glasses higher on nose-

Now, where were we, ahhhh. Dear Chalice.

OH MY GAWWWWD

-runs around in circles-

According to my scientific calculations, some of your mental disorders and complete craziness has rubbed off on me leading to memory loss. After all these years I thought I was immune, only to discover this.

Oh it's high time you walked the plank my friend.

Speaking of planks, I've always wondered how it would feel to nail one onto a wooden frame, revelling in the promise of hitting your hand with a hammer and extracting life threatening blisters…

Alice.

What.

Have.

You.

DONE?

I am ruined, ruuuiiinnnneeeeeeeedddddddddd. It is time for a taste of your own medicine, my enemy.

-searches through cupboard for medicine and finds osteoporosis pills-

I think we are all well past that age…

-shrugs-

I believe I need to call in some other forces.

-eyes widen in traumatised shock-

Did you threaten me with Dr SheppardsPie?

-quivers in fear-

But…but…I th-thought that was confidential. Just because I was experiencing some green tree frog symptoms.

And you dare even question my masculinity?? If anyone in our family felt an inkling of desire such as that I would be 100.000 000 000 000 1 accurate that it is YOU. Oh I heard your thoughts of Mrs BumpkinSoup and let me say, they weren't pretty. But I mean come on, a chubby sixty seven year old woman. Your taste disgusts me.

I believe it might be time to visit dun dun DUNNN… Dr StinkyBreath

-you run away screaming profanities while I cackle endlessly in the darkness-

(this time I brought rechargeable batteries for my torch)

-you swear to smell the bad breath over your shoulder and turn around slowly, meeting face to face with a certain dungeon dweller-

Yours Vampirely,

Edward Potter (yes, the chosen one. So take that and smoke it in your pipe, you worthless being with no prophecies)

PS. I heard that research conducted showed that people that play the piano (talented hands) achieve more pleasurable results in other…hobbies.

PPS. Don't expect your diary back any time soon. And your threats are empty – as if you still have old videos of me from the 50's to 80's. -shifty eyes- Don't be absurd.

And yes, I promised (unfortunately) to include a small section about how much I -clears throat- love you. So here it is:

-crickets chirp-

-tumbleweed blows past-

THE END.

Dah da da de dah. dah de.

THE WARNING:

If you do not review this, you will suffer a plague of unquenchable desire to plant purple sparkly mushrooms in a cupboard under the stairs.

(Yes, we just had to continue the Harry Potter theme)

And if you do not have a cupboard under the stairs, then you shall have an urge to build one to plant purple sparkly mushrooms there.

Alice: Wow I'd be pretty sure to review then. At least a few times.

Edward: Although, I did want to nail planks together…

-formulates plan-

Alice, lets build a cupboard under the stairs, I always wanted indoor plants.

Alice: What's the fun of them if you don't have any dangerous ones?

-eyes glisten as they plan to get the gettable: EMMETT-

Edward and Alice: -insert incredibly EVIL laugh here-

Alice: oh and PS: if you just happen to like purple sparkly mushrooms.. for various reasons cough...and do not have your own supply at home so actually WANT to have the desire to plant them in a secret cupboard under the stairs, WELL NEVER FEAR!! if your review saying that you still want mushrooms, we will give you dun Dun DUNNN..

FREEE MAGICAL DUST!! -insert crazed eyes here- They do wonders for you and your plants. hee hee.