To my least dearest Dead-Wood.

Are you questioning my sanity and my superior intellect? –pouts-grrr.. just because I have spent time in an asylum and you haven't. Yet. Just you wait my pretty just you wait... mwahahhaaa.

And, as a matter of fact, I happen to cherish my insanity thank-you-very-much. For one thing, I get free stuff from strangers on the street. And another it allows me to view the world from a whole other dimension, broadening my horizons, offering new view points to myself which no other can experience. I am truly one of a kind. I think it makes me rather mysterious don't you think? Because no one can ever truly know what I am thinking... well except for you... and still I have my ways of concealing my thoughts... but that is neither here nor there... –cough-

Hmm and you ask why I carry round my precious camera? -Strokes it evilly- well. –purses lips-it's for ermm confidential matters. –laughs awkwardly- Don't you ever have the urge to capture your best moments on film?

-you look up from reading this with a disturbed, slightly perverse look on face-

And no Edward. I wasn't implying that. Although I'm not denying that I have done so. –stares off into

distance fantasising about past tapes and ones to come-

-snaps back to reality-

-cough- -shuffles paper-where were we? Oh yess.

How can you deny you love me?

–stares up to you with wide eyes-

-corner of lips tremble-

After everything I have ever done for you... you can't even admit that you hold the tinniest of love for your darling sister?

But don't worry. I know how you secretly feel. No matter how –twitch-disturbing these feelings are.

I must say I amrather flattered though. But still. Eww Edward. Be reasonable. I am wayyyyy out of your league. –scoffs-

And what has planted this traumatising belief in my mind you enquire?

Well. Do you remember your Shakespearean phase that you went through in the early eighties?

Let me refresh your memory anyway.

(Flashback)

Edward: -bursts through Alice's door, interrupting her from painting a self portrait of her dressed up as one of the evil pixies from Noddy-

"HOLY HAT ALICE, my most favourite of favourites! I have finally finished it! I have perfected my dun Dun DUNNN play, titled "The Dream and Lie of Edvard Kullin" Would you please do me the honours of reading out the script with me?" –pouts-

Alice:"ohh if you insist... Jazz has gone out to collect berries in a basket in a red riding hood cape, so that he can then squish them against his delicious body to create special red paint for me, hence leaving me –sob- all alone. "

Edward: "-Raises eyebrow- Errr ok then.. But excellent!! Why don't you hang with me instead and have some real fun. –jiggles eyebrows- You shall be Lady Alison, and I shall be Sir Edvard... completely fictional characters which in no way shape or form relate to us...-coughs loudly-... just erm clearing my throat."

-hastily hands Alice script-"ok. Well let us start with Act Seven, Scene Two, Line Twenty three."–flicks open to page 147-

Emmett: -bursts through door-"OMG! Can I be in the play too?" –whines-

Edward: -awkward silence- "err. No sorry. This is... um...cough... private. It's not ready to be... shared with the public just yet."

Emmett: "Why must you hurt me so? "–sobs- "well I can see when I'm not needed. "–slams door forcefully, sending it flying of the hinges-

Alice: -Starts reading out lines with much passion and feeling, as she is such a talented actress-

"I dig you. You are the hottest, sexiest ... most arousing, most ... orgasmic man to have ever roamed this earth. And I've been round a long time. If you weren't my ...-falters-... brother, I would jump you ... right now and ... –shivers- ... give you the best animal... –eye twitches-... sex-a-thon ... of your ... errr ... life'... This is umm... rather interesting Edward..."

–glances up at Edward awkwardly who is in full costume dress, holding a sword absentmindedly and staring out into the distance with a twisted smile on face-

-Jasper, back early from his hunting trip, bursts through wall like an angry maniac, leaving a Jasper sized hole in it-

Jasper: "HOW DARE YOU HAVE SUCH FEELINGS FOR MY ALICE??"

-leaps at Edward-

-looks down to see that he has accidently jumped right through Edwards sword-

-draws out sword from chest- "AHA! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!"

-Edward and Jasper have a duel to end all duels. (With Jazzybear winning of course –grins-)

(End of Flashback)

Ohh how naive I have been... this whole time I just thought it was an innocent misunderstanding... but now I see you were just a very lonely old man. –stands on tippy toes to ruffle your hair- aww, how cute. –laughs and points-

-foresees that Jasper will be coming home in a matter of seconds-

Sorry, but I really must be going now, Jasper has returned with more berries. –mischievous glint in eyes- (We really do make the best paint:- to order call – 1800-JASPER-FLAVOURED-PAINT)

xx The Proud Owner of Asylum Cell 647

PS: U dair make a mokery of my pour speling?? –Glares-yoou arr just jelous tht i hav my owne indiviidual fenetical langiuage sistem. –smug look-

PPS: -GASP- DR STINKYBREATH? –quivers in fear- How did you know about him??

–hides behind a topless, berry- soaked Jasper-

-licks him-

WARNING:If you do not review a bus will mysteriously appear at your window, but unlike the little happy Magic School Bus, and also unlike the flying car of Harry Potter, this bus will gnaw you to shreds with its blaster wheels and impale you on its windscreen wipers. Then it will force you to perform a tribal dance in an Indian feather hat. While you are distracted with the specific steps to this dance, a demonic Ms Frizzle will sneak up behind you and smash your head in with a toaster and mummify you with Christmas patterned sticky tape. She will then use clapsticks to imitate and mock your ONCE beating heart and as a way of celebrating your ultimate death, she will feast on wild wolves before brushing her teeth with a fish skeleton.

Review. or suffer the consequences. -ominous lightning strike in background-