The Death before Christmas

Bonus Chapter: Dear, Santa

Basinga Productions

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. But I do own a bucket of water.

1 week before Ms. Clause incident…

Light was walking home from school that day with three guys following him saying "There was a woman walking down the street saying Ditty-Ditty Ditty-Domb Ditty-Do!" While pointing at Light.

"Leave me alone just because I have long hair doesn't make me a woman!" Light said in a nasally voice, while chewing on a grapefruit.

Light gave them twenty dollars when they got to his house saying "Thanks for hanging out with me!"

"Whatever loser!" The lead singer said, punching Light in the face, and walking off with the other singers, snapping their fingers in a cool fashion.

Light walked into his house to find his mom on the floor in an Apple costume having a hard time getting up.

"Can you help me up Light?" His mom asked.

"NO!" Light said, kicking his mom into a table squirting apple juice everywhere.

"Light since you broke my clothes I need you to go pick up my laundry." His mom said licking the apple juice off the floor.

"WHORE!" Light exclaimed, walking out to pick up the laundry

He walked into the cleaners called Britches and Hose, and went up to the guy behind the counter. He was Mexican with a unibrow and a mole on the side of his face.

"Hola what me do for you?" The guy said.

"I'm here to pick up my mom's laundry." Light said.

"That be $19.75." The guy said.

Light handed him twenty dollars.

"You're change is two five." The guy said, handing Light ten dollars. Light shrugs and walks out the door. As soon as he did, the mole on the guy's face exploded and it went all over… ALL OVER… all over the store. Light started walking down the street when suddenly a tiny caterpillar shoots out of a nearby tree and starts attacking Light. The scene changed and Pokemon battle music started playing.

1 hour later…

Light slammed open the door to his house breathing heavily, looking battered and beat up with a squirmming caterpillar in his hand, he throws the caterpillar at the wall which left a green spot on the wall, which melted through the wall.

"Thanks Light, were you pwned by a caterpillar." Light's mom said, as he handed the bag to her. She then reaches her hand down into the bag and with a happy face pulls out a… jar of peanut butter.

"You're kidding! I risked my life just to get you a jar of pan peanut butter. I hope you get leukemia!" Light screamed. But his efforts were futile because she was rubbing the peanut butter all over… ALL OVER… all over her body. While she was doing that Light started to think.

Isn't it one week before Christmas I need to write a letter to Santa. And I need to get some Lucky Charms.

Light then proceeded to go up the stairs to the bathroom but when he got there he sees Soichiro dressed in a fortune cookie costume, throwing olives at the door.

"Dad, why are you throwing olives at the door?" Light asked, putting a finger in his nostril.

"I'm cleansing this door." Soichiro answered squinting his eyes, squatting, and moving his hands near the door like he was a mime making an invisible wall.

"Why, and also why does it look like your constipated?" Light asked.

"Believe me you don't want to know." Soichiro said, walking away but only to be pushed down the stairs by Light. When Soichiro fell cookie crumbs went everywhere, and there was a big piece of paper right next to Soichiro that read: Be aware of kids that push people down the stairs after you cleanse a door with olives.

"Sorry force of habit!" Light screamed down to his disfigured dad. Light then walked into the bathroom, closing the door, and putting a sign on the door knob that said sorry busy, it had a stick figure picture of a man raping a woman.

Good no one can see me now. Light thought as he slowly moved his hand down to his pants and… pulled up his… zipper. God that's been bothering me all day Light thought relieved. Light then turned the knob on the faucet and a pen erected from it. He pulled it out and went into the kitchen for some Lucky Charms. Light opened the refrigerator and just when he was about to grab the Lucky charms… Lucky came and stole the box.

"You'll never get your hands on my Lucky Charms" Lucky said, in his Irish accent. But before Lucky could get away Light shot him.

"I steal a box of cereal and you shoot me in the back!" Lucky was able to scream before he died.

"Damn you Lucky I told you not to come back, and that goes for you rabbit, remember, Trix are for kids!" Light said taking the box from Lucky's limp hands, and threatening Trix the rabbit who was about to take a box of Trix from Light's refrigerator. Light squinted his eyes. Trix took one look and walked off ashamed of himself.

"Damn it, no Lucky Charms. Its bone dry." Light said tapping the box.

"I always thought Lucky Charms were satanic, with their putting a diagram of the powers of the marshmallows on the back of the cereal boxes. I swear Kellog's is trying to rule the world with delicious cereal." Light added.

Light then walked up to his room and got a notebook out from under his bed next to a stack of Victoria Secret magazines.

"I'm gonna write a letter to Santa!" Light screamed moving his head in a circle.

"Deal or you get somewhat sexually abused." The announcer from deal or no deal said to L. The Belly Bangers were right behind L, waiting for him to decide.

"Deal!" L said sweating, and then a nude guy came running across the screen screaming "JaaAaaAaAam!"

"Okay let's see what you won." The announcer said, after he said that a fat lady dressed in a bikini, holding a brief case, opened it to reveal a piece of paper that said… "You're gonna get somewhat sexually abused."

"Damn it!" L said looking back at the Belly Bangers only to get a face full of chocolate sauce.

"Whoa, L's on T.V.!" Light exclaimed looking at the T.V. from his desk. "Awwww L's got some new friends. He's gonna have to let me meet them sometime!" Light added. Just as he was about to look back at his notebook, a gust of wind suddenly shoots out of nowhere.

"Is anyone there?" Light said scarred.

"Nope." A voice said.

"Okay." Light said returning his attention back to the notebook. And then Light began to write (Wow I'm a poet and I don't even know it)I'm gonna need to persuade Santa that I've been a good boy this year. Light thought starting to write.

Dear, Santa

(When he wrote Santa he pictured him in his mind with a mole on the side of his face)

Now some people may think a bad child is somebody who at Thanksgiving fills a bowl full of gravy and throws it at poor people, or somebody who throws kittens at a puppy, or makes prank phone calls to there Aunt Gill, or maybe someone who stomps on bunnies with their high-heels. All I have to say to that statement is that's a L.I.E. (Loser In Europe). So Santa find it in your heart to give me expensive gifts.

The reason I should get expensive gifts for no price is… I have your family, St. Nickelodeon! So you better give me presents! And I hope you have a very Merry Christmas. I'll remind you again. Give me those presents, because I got your fat wife, fat ass!

So the point I'm trying to make is. You can still get expensive gifts even if you've been bad, because you can still get presents if you do more bad stuff that requires you to fly to the North Pole on a jet plane full of cottage cheese going into a workshop and then secretly and stealthily kidnap someone's family by replacing them with cardboard cut-outs.

Sincerely, with love and care

Yagami, Light

P.S. I want a pony!

P.S.S. And don't give me coal this time, remember I have your family

P.S.S.S. You're fat

"Well that should do it." Light said opening a door in his floor where he yelled.

"Hey Ms. Clause you alright?" All he got in reply were muffled screams.

"Shut up!" He said, throwing an orange slice at her forehead. It looked like her forehead was smiling.

"Awwww your forehead's happy." Light said, as if he just saw a puppy throw up little heart shaped banana bread. When he was about to look back at his notebook there was another gust of wind.

"Is anybody their?" Light asked.

"NO DAMN IT!!!" The voice answered.

"Well… let's watch some T.V." Light said grabbing the remote and turning it to the news channel for reasons that not even he could explain.It's almost like some kind of being is controlling me that I don't even know about. Light thought suspiciously as a sexy schoolgirl came on the screen.

"We have breaking news it seems that Santa Clause has died… yeah… we bring you to news reporter Josh Ben." The scene changed to what looked like to be a workshop in the North Pole, with an acne ridden teenager in the middle of the screen who we now know as Josh Ben, with tuna fish earrings.

"Yes it seems that Santa has died of food poisoning, here is the clip." Josh said as a clip started to play. It showed Santa on a recliner drinking beer and watching T.V. When suddenly Santa stopped drinking, he then broke the bottle of beer and proceeded to chew on the glass he laughed maniacally and then fell down… dead. After five minutes it showed Santa's mole popping and it going all over… ALL OVER… all over the camera screen obscuring the view.

"Scientist have concluded that T.V. was to blame. Back to you." Josh said as he was tackled by a walrus, the scene changed to the sexy schoolgirl.

"Well on lighter news a gang of roaming teenagers decided to go for a swim in a swimming pool full of micro waved baked beans for swim in food day." The reporter said like a sexy schoolgirl.

"There were no survivors." The sexy schoolgirl added with a solemn expression.

Light was lying on the floor twitching, and drooling as if his manhood had just been taken away. Then Light stood up, zipped up his pants, and walked over to get his notebook and trash it since Santa was dead. When he got there all he saw was empty space.

"Thanks for helping me W-dog, and what not!" Ryuk said laughing

"It was nothing man anything to help out one of my homies." W-dog said as he and Ryuk did the Will Smith high five as soon as they did that, 100 miles away in Canada a child went hungry.

Ryuk was sitting cross-legged on a roof of a house near Light's, chuckling, and looking at a page of the Death Paper which read: The human whose name is written within these sheets of paper shall die… or at least we think they will. Then Ryuk turned to the next page which read: You must have the person's face in mind when writing there name so people with the same name will not be affected. Then Ryuk turned another page: If a cause of death is not written within 40 seconds of writing the person's name then they shall die of food poisoning. Then Ryuk turned another page it read: George W. Bush was dropped on his head as a baby. Ryuk turned another page, at the top of the paper read…

Dear, Santa

Wolflink93: Well this was all written by me so I hoped you guys like it I know it probably not as funny as our other chapters, and also this is an apology to say how sorry we are for not finishing the story in time. And well I thought this up when I had to do a persuasive Essay in English class about persuading Santa that you've been good. I got a B on it because it was and I quote "Supposed to persuade him that you've been good not that you can get presents." Well hopefully you're comments will be good and please review I want to see if I did good on this story

Light: Sniff you made me kill Santa.

Wolflink93: Shut up and get back down in the basement with Ms. Clause.

Light: Yes sir.