Yo Kyuubi,

If I haven't mention how perverse my Uncle Jiraiya is, let me take a moment to do that. MY UNCLE IS THE BIGGEST SUPER PERVERT ON THE PLANT! HE BRAGS ABOUT IT! If that doesn't scream: "I'm watching you undress with a telescope through the hole in the fence" (not that I, um, do that or anything… SHUT UP!) I don't know what does.

Incidentally, Nanny (that's Jiraiya) has had a few restraining orders lately. Not that I blame anyone for doing that, but seriously. Who do you think gets up at 3AM to bail the old geezer out of jail?

That's What She Said

Ch. 2

Banana banana banana banana terra cotta, banana terra cotta, terra cotta pie!

Naruto fumbled around for his cell phone. "Hello?"

"Hey, Naruto! How's it going?"

"You're in jail again, aren't you, pervert?"

Naruto could almost see his uncle frowning.

"What time is it?" Naruto asked, now fully awake and sitting up. "I swear, one of these days, we're going to discover some bastard child of yours out on the streets."

"It's three in the morning. I'm not responding to that last bit."

Naruto grinned. "So what do you want from me?"

"Come bail me out, punk."

"You are so paying for my college tuition and beyond." He hung up before Jiraiya could protest.

"Your uncle again?" asked an eerily calm voice from across the room.

"Yeah, sorry. He was arrested again. I think he violated another restraining order," he added.

"Hn," Gaara said. "Delendam est Karthagino."

"Yes, yes. Carthage must be destroyed," Naruto said.

"And who said it?"

"Cato."

"The?"

"Elder. Crazy Latin nerd," he muttered.

"Just making sure you're awake," Gaara said. "Tell your uncle I said 'hey.'"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "I'll be back in a few hours," he said, grabbing his orange sweatshirt off the back of his computer chair.

Jiraiya was infinitely lucky that KSU allowed freshmen to have cars on campus. Naruto went out to his old, beat-up, probably-survived-a-hurricane, ready-to-crap-out-at-any-moment truck parked outside the dorm. The engine made an ungodly noise of protest as the key turned in the ignition. "Come on, Lassie," Naruto shouted at the dashboard.

The engine groaned one last time and then ran smoothly. "BOOYAH!"

The police station always had a quiet sterility to it. "Hey, Izumo, Kotetsu," Naruto said, nodding at two of the cops.

"Hey, Naruto," the two guards replied. They knew him by name (very sad). "I'll get the paperwork for your uncle."

"What did he do this time?" Naruto asked Kotetsu. As if I didn't already know, he thought darkly.

"Restraining order violation."

Ten points for me!

"How much?"

"Ten thousand for bail because he's a repeat offender. Luckily, no charges are being filed so he won't have to appear in court."

Naruto pulled out the shinny, plastic credit card Jiraiya had reluctantly bestowed on him for occasions such as these. He exchanged it for a pen and a clipboard and began signing various things.

They brought Jiraiya out. The old man complained the whole way about police brutality as they unlocked his handcuffs. "Next time I say "Don't taze me, bro," don't taze me!"

"OI! Shut up or you're buying me a new car," Naruto shouted.

Jiraiya instantly sobered. "You're killing me, kid."

"You started it."

"Right, just get me out of here."

Naruto handed the clipboard back to Kotetsu. "You're free to go."

"Come on, perv."

"Not in public," Jiraiya hissed.

"Oh, please," Naruto said, jerking his thumb back at the police station. "They know."

If the age difference had not been so marvelously huge, Naruto would have looked like a parent picking up his son from the principal's office.

"Is something wrong, Naruto?"

"It's four twenty-three a.m.," he said. "That's what's wrong."

"You're still mad about that?" Jiraiya asked. "Nah, you're never this mad. It must be something else…"

"Nothing I'm going to talk to you about."

"So, it's a girl, huh? Is she pretty?"

Naruto hit the accelerator a little harder, but it was still another half-hour to get Jiraiya home and out of his car.

"But she's not into you, is she?" Jiraiya continued. "Not surprising with Uchiha Sasuke around."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!"

"…Um…women's magazines…" Jiraiya said.

"Why do you read women's magazines?"

"You'd be surprised what you learn about women from their magazines. Anyway, point is: every girl is crazy about the Uchiha because he's a male-model… among other things."

"Tell me about it."

"So, naturally, you have to become a male-model to compete with him," Jiraiya said. Naruto was starting to wonder about his plan. "Gimme the wheel. We're gonna make you a male-model!"

"B-but, I wanna sleep, dattebayo!"

"Modeling never takes a nap!" Jiraiya shouted over the din of the motor.

One hour later, Naruto and Jiraiya were in front of "Legendary Sannin Incorporated," the most famous modeling company in the country. "More like 'Legendary Suckers Incorporated,'" Jiraiya muttered as they were walking towards the entrance.

"Huh?" Naruto remarked, pressing his nose against the glass doors. "Ya' old fart! It's closed!"

"Shut up, kid," Jiraiya said. "We're not getting in through the front." He turned left.

"We're not?" Naruto jogged to keep up.

"Keep quiet!" Jiraiya hissed as he made his way toward the back entrance. "What, d'ya want to send me back to jail or something?"

Naruto perked up. "Eh, eh? We're doing something illegal? YEAH!" He punched the air. "Sakura-chan digs bad boys!"

Jiraiya slapped his forehead. "Just get in, fool." He opened the door.

Naruto snickered quietly as he walked through the gilded gateway, expecting to see glitz, glamour, hot-almost-naked models—

"Huh? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" Naruto fumed.

It was a small, dingy, low-lit, little room with a few tables and a bar.

"Didn't I tell you to keep your trap shut?" Jiraiya whispered, dragging Naruto by the ear.

"Oww…"

"That's her."

"Who?"

"Tsunade, you dimwit! She's the one you have to impress!"

"Seriously? But, like, isn't she that chick who keeps putting those restraining orders on you?"

Jiraiya glowered. "Watch and learn, you little smart-aleck punk." He let go of Naruto's ear and sauntered over to a busty blonde woman. "Tsunade, baby, how's i—"

BAM

Jiraiya went flying into an empty table. Naruto kneeled down next to him. "Nice going, perv. Very smooth."

Tsunade stood up, her fists clenched.

"Uhh… Tsu-tsunade-sama," a black-haired woman stuttered from behind her.

"Quiet, Shizune!" the endowed woman barked.

"L-look." Jiraiya got up, rubbing his backside. "It's not like that." Tsunade turned her amber eyes onto him. "I just promised the boy—" He pulled Naruto to him "—that I'd get you to make him a model."

Naruto grinned and gave a little salute.

Tsunade looked Naruto over, taking in the messy blonde hair, orange sweatshirt, and black pajama bottoms with little green frogs printed on them.

She burst out laughing. "You… expect me to turn this kid into a model?" she gasped out. "I could take him on with my pinky!" She took a swig of sake.

"Oh, yeah?" Naruto said defensively. "Well, you're an alcoholic!"

Tsunade slammed the bottle down and glared at Naruto from under long blonde bangs. "Oh really? Well, since you're so confident, why don't you come try me out, blondie-boy?" She stuck her pinky out.

"You're on, grandma!"

Tsunade turned pink and Jiraiya shook his head. "Just for that comment, I am going to destroy you."

"Tsu-tsunade-sama," Shizune said. "He's just a kid!"

"Teenager!" Naruto interrupted.

"You aren't helping, idiot," Jiraiya muttered at him.

"Tell you what." Tsunade swaggered towards Naruto and poked him in the forehead with her pinky. Naruto frowned and rubbed at the growing red spot. "I'll give you a week," Tsunade continued. "One week to master the walk."

Naruto gawked at her. "A walk? Seriously, baa-chan—" Tsunade glared at this "—I walk every day! This'll be a piece of cake!"

Jiraiya smacked Naruto's head. "Don't be such a n00b, moron. She means the walk. On the runway."

"Oh." Naruto scratched his head. "You mean with high heels?"

Jiraiys smacked his forehead again.

"Next week is the Konoha Fall Fashion show." Tsunade said, turning around. "That's where you'll be showing your stuff. If you have any questions, ask the other moron." She pointed at Jiraiya. "Have fun embarrassing yourself."

Tsunade started walking away. Shizune looked at Naruto apologetically, grabbed a little pig from under their table, and followed Tsunade out.

"YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK I WILL!" Naruto yelled out after her. "I'm going to be the best model ever. Believe it!"

Tsunade stopped at the doorway. "Oh?" she called out softly. "Did I mention that you'll be competing against Uchiha Sasuke?"

Kyuubi,

I'm up on the dorm roof right now. Why am I on the roof, you ask? Well I was trying to practice this fancy walking shit, but Gaara kept blogging on his emo webpage about what a "gay loser I was (evil smiley face, evil smiley face, evil smiley face)." Seriously, he's so insensitive! (Besides, I'm not the one who takes showers to "wash away the angst and existential miseries of my tortured soul.") That and he was shouting more Latin crap at me and it was very distracting.

So now I'm walking, but apparently, I don't have to walk with high heels, after all! (which is good 'cuz those things are freaking uncomfortable! How do chicks walk in them?) But anyway, it's a seriously nice view from up here. I can see Sakura-chan playing tennis (she looks so hot sweating it up, yo. Yeah, never again.)

Crap! She's running to el bastardo! I'll be back, dattebayo!

Part One of the Authors' Note: Extreme apology for the long wait.

Part Two of the Authors' Note: Story Time!!! So we're growing pea plants in AP Bio... for a transpiration lab or something... so being the nerds we are, we named the two plants Naruto and Sasuke! Naruto is taller and Sasuke even has leaves in the chicken ass shape. It was awesome... too bad we have to use them for a lab experiment... Does that make us Orochimaru... ewww creepy.

Part Three: Advice from our AP teachers. US History: Supply and Demand is like fractions where the bigger number is actually smaller. Biology: No! Don't write on the corn!

Part Four: A strong imploration (if that's a word) to review.