Salutations Kyuubi!

Umm...yeah. Never saying that again. So the purpose today is to rant about my deep and undying hatred for all things numerical and math-related. According to my Advisor, KSU won't let me graduate unless I take a math course, so I'm stuck with a semester of Algebra. Algebra. It's a disaster. Numbers are letters and letters are numbers and just when you think it makes sense, they stick other shit in. Like f(x). Functions. Seriously, WTF? Can't they just keep the freaking y?

To add to the unending depression (rooming with Gaara has taken it's toll on me, 'kay?), Sakura-chan isn't in that class! Oh cruel world. But Gaara is there and he, like, draws all over my shit 'cause he's insanely good with math and finishes before everyone else.

Ooh, I have a theory that Jiraiya made a bet with Tsunade-baachan. He keeps sending me these random and annoying modeling tips and my inbox is dominated by them. I had to turn off my phone 'cause it wouldn't stop ringing with all his freaking text messages. On another note, I need a new phone number. Maybe 8-6-7-5-3-0-9...haha...get it?

No one listens to classic '80s music anymore.

Ahaha, I can't wait for morning though, I want to see how a certain prank on my least favorite model will turn out. I am so evil. And I'm completely okay with it.

That's What She Said

Ch. 3

Late in the afternoon of the previous day, Naruto had begun his sinister plan. The following ingredients were vital for his mission: a paper plate, a freezer, and a full bladder. With the yellow contents of Naruto's excretory system emptied onto the Dixie brand dish, he loaded the concoction into the freezer, under the dubious gaze of Gaara. The red-head had removed his ice cream before allowing Naruto to monopolize the freezer, and was now eating the delicious substance.

When something close to silence fell on the dorm late that night, Naruto removed his frozen urine from the appliance and proceeded up the stairs to Uchiha Sasuke's room. He broke the plate away from the frozen substance and tossed the paper carelessly in a nearby garbage can. Naruto got down and slowly slid the unpopsicle-like through the gap under Sasuke's door. Chuckling sinisterly to himself, he snuck back to his own room and eagerly awaited the morning by which time the melting process would be complete. That much he knew from Chemistry.

"HOLY SHIT!"

Several floors down in the dorm building, Uzumaki Naruto jolted awake with a grin plastered on his face. "Success, dattebayo!" he shouted, punching his fist in the air.

"Congratulations," Gaara said coolly from across the room, looking up from his laptop. "You beat the Uchiha. Now go clean out our freezer."

Naruto groaned. "Fiiine."

Someone pounded fiercely on the door. Naruto sauntered over and opened it.

"YOSH!" a green blob tumbled into the room. "Did you urinate in Uchiha Sasuke's room?" Lee asked.

Naruto grinned. "Frozen pee trick. I told you about that one, right? They step in it when it's melts by morning. It's a classic."

"My friend, you do not understand! This is horrible! Did you know he thought it was apple juice and tasted it? And not only that but you ruined his tomatoes! He eats them for breakfast, you know! He was sliding in your urine and knocked them over into that mess!"

Christmas had come early to KSU. "Did he really? That's even better! Wait, he eats tomatoes for breakfast?"

"Uh, yes," Lee mumbled. "But this is terrible, Naruto!"

"It's his fault for being stupid and eating foreign substances," Naruto replied.

Gaara coughed loudly.

"You alright?" Naruto asked.

"Fine." Gaara replied. "I'm going to the library before you involve me in even more revenge. See you in Algebra."

"Must you ruin my good mood with that shit?" Naruto complained.

"Yes, I must." Gaara paused in the doorway. "By the way, look out for rabid fangirls."

"What, already? Huh! I haven't even done my first show, and already the girls can't get enough of me!"

Gaara walked away shaking his head, not surprised when he heard the stampeding sound of hundreds of girls chasing a screaming blonde kid that morning.

"Shika-kuun! Will you help me with my assignment?" a girl with (uber)long black hair called out.

"Sorry, Kin, I'm already helping Tayuya and Temari today," Shikamaru tiredly drawled out.

Kin pouted. "Fine. But that means I get you all to myself tomorrow!" she declared, skipping away.

"Dude. Shikamaru. You are such a pimp."

Shikamaru snored lightly.

"Hey!" Naruto bellowed in his ear. "Wake up, you lazy ass!"

Shikamaru opened and eye in annoyance and rubbed his left ear.

"Seriously!" Naruto plopped down on the grass. "How do you get all these girls?! I mean, you don't do anything! You're a giant lump. A blob."

Shikamaru leaned back on his elbows. "Well, for starters...you don't see me shimmying up and down campus, shaking my hips around. And all the girls hate you because of what you did to Sasuke this morning."

Naruto turned red. "They don't hate me! They're in denial. And, furthermore, I am practicing. I am participating in Konoha's biggest fashion show and I need to master the friggin' walk, dattebayo! And it's totally the teme's fault for thinking the pee was apple juice. Honestly, is he five? Does he want a juice box? There is no way Sakura-chan would ever like such a boring guy."

Shikamaru sighed and looked to his left. "I wouldn't be too sure about that."

Naruto turned around.

"Sasuke-kun, wait up!" Sakura jogged up towards Sasuke, clutching a large, brown paper bag.

Sasuke paused as she ran up to him. "Sakumo, right?"

The rosette girl blushed. "Y-ye—I mean, no. I'm Sakura." She tucked a strand of pink hair behind her ear. "I heard what happened this morning, so, I—umm—here!" She stuck the bag out under his nose. Sasuke peered inside.

"Tomatoes?"

Sakura smiled shyly. "Yep!"

Sasuke stared at her for a moment. "Hn. Thanks, Sakuya." He walked away.

"N-no problem," Sakura sighed out, not seeming to notice that her crush had gotten her name wrong again.

"Bastard," Naruto growled, his hands clenched. "You are so going down Saturday."

"Yeah, good luck with that," Shikamaru muttered cynically.

"Thanks, dattebayo!"

Professor Ibiki was one of the most feared math teachers in the entire world, let alone KSU. Urban legends and myths surrounded him, spinning tales of torture, prison, and (strangely enough) a fondness for baking. Nonetheless it was abundantly clear that Professor Ibiki despised teaching freshmen Algebra.

Tables were arranged in the bland classroom with four seats each. When Naruto arrived, he found that Gaara had beaten him there and was seated in the back of the room. Plunking down in the chair next to him, Naruto muttered, "Good spot, eh?"

Slowly, the other students began filing in, some of whom Naruto did not recognize. Inuzuka Kiba took the third seat at their table. Kiba kept a puppy in his dorm, and so far had not been caught with the contraband creature. Most of the freshmen adored little Akamaru and hoped the RA wouldn't find out.

"I see you've stopped walking long enough to come to class," Kiba said to Naruto. The eccentric blonde made a face. "Oh, it's Hinata! Hinata, over here!" Kiba waved enthusiastically to the small, dark-haired girl.

She smiled softly and turned a light shade of pink when her eyes fell on Naruto. "Hey, Hinata!" Naurto exclaimed loudly. "Tell Kiba he's being an asshole. You like the way I walk, yeah?"

Hinata burned up and sank into her seat.

"Huh? Hinata? Are you okay? Do you have a fever?" Naruto leaned over the poor girl and placed the back of his hand on her forehead. He heard a faint "Tch, idiot," from Gaara and a little whimper from Hinata, who was now a dull puce. "Hinata, do you want me to take you to Health Services?"

"N-no, Naruto-kun. I'm f-fine," she whispered.

"It's okay, Hinata, you don't have to deny your feelings! Just shut up and come with me!"

Her world went black.

"I feel kinda bad for saying this, but it's lucky for us Hinata passed out. I mean, you heard about Ibiki, right?" Naruto said to Gaara and Kiba as they were waiting for Hinata to wake up.

"Do you think she's okay?" Kiba asked. "I wonder why she fainted."

"Probably heatstroke," Naurto said wisely.

"Nngh..."

"HINA-CHAN!" Naruto jumped on Hinata as she slowly started to get up.

"You idiot, get off of her!" Kiba yelled, and he and Gaara pulled Naruto off the girl. "Man, you don't just jump people like that!"

Naruto ignored him. "Hina-chan—" she blushed at this—"wait, I can call you that, right?" She nodded. "Yeah! We were so worried about you! Are you okay? Do you need water? Do you want me to carry you to your dorm?" He leaned over to put his hand on her forehead.

Gaara slapped his hand away. "Do you want her to faint again?"

Naruto glared at him, but then, almost instantly, brightened. "Ne, Hina-chan, I think it would be best if you got some fresh air. Wanna see my walk?"

Gaara rolled his eyes and Kiba gave a snort that sounded, oddly enough, like a bark.

Hinata turned pink and started tapping her two index fingers together. "Okay, N-naruto-kun!"

"So, how's this?" Naruto struck a pose.

"U-umm, g-good, but, maybe, you should remove your hand from your, um, b-backside, and don't do that circle thing with you fingers around y-your eye. Y-you remind me o-of the gym teacher, Gai, that w-way."

Naruto flopped down beside her and put his arm around her shoulders, laughing. He was completely oblivious to Hinata's inner struggle to keep from breaking down again.

Banana banana banana banana terra cotta, banana terra cotta, terra cotta pie

"Oh crap!" Naruto jumped up and began fishing around in his bag for his cell phone that was never in the same place twice. All the while, System of a Down continued to scream out from the canvas. "Ah-ha! There you are, you little sucker!" He flipped open the phone. "Hello? Ah, pervert. Yeah, I'm practicing as we speak. No, I do not want you to come over here. We both know that's an excuse for you to stare at college girls. Yes, you are that transparent! No, I will see you on SATURDAY! Yeah, whatever, just keep out of jail. Bye."

Naruto turned back to Hinata. "Sorry, that was just my degenerate uncle. I think he's got some kind of bet going on with this grandma, 'cause he usually only calls just once a week to make sure I'm still alive, or if he's in jail."

"Your uncle gets a-arrested that o-often?" Hinata asked, silently cursing her stuttering.

"Mostly just restraining order violations and mild sexual harassment," Naruto replied. "He's pretty harmless, I guess, just annoying."

"Oh."

"Speaking of annoying, why is your cousin so uptight? Neji is supposed to be our RA, but he's a complete prick."

Hinata mumbled something about not wanting to speak badly of her family, but Naruto seemed to be off in his own little world. The gears of his mischievous mind were turning rapidly.

"I have an idea!" Naruto announced. "But it'll have to wait until I become a model. Hey, d'ya wanna see another pose?"

Hinata's head drooped down.

"Huh, Hina-chan? Oh, no, not again!"

Uchiha Sasuke was sitting in a familiar room in a familiar chair. It was his usual, pre-show briefing on his competition and attire (or, rather, lack thereof). Sitting at a modern Swedish desk that was in style these days was Sasuke's agent, Hatake Kakashi.

"Alright Kakashi, let's get this over with," Sasuke said, bored.

"Gee, no need to be so enthusiastic," Kakashi replied. "You have the usual competion and a newcomer. Tsunade has been betting again and some idiot is in the shine. I don't have a photo," Kakashi said. "Just a name."

"Well?"

"Uzumaki Naruto."

Sasuke snorted, trying to keep his composure.

"You know him?" Kakashi asked, raising his only visible eyebrow. The majority of his face was covered in stretchy black fabric.

"From the college I'm being forced to attend," Sasuke said.

"It's good for your image. Tell me about Uzumaki."

"He's completely hopeless. Uzumaki is more likely to come on the runway in an evening gown and heels, than make himself look good," he said.

"Well that should be interesting," Kakashi muttered. "Let's move on to what you'll be wearing..."

"Hey! Kid!"

Naruto turned around to see Jiraiya running towards him.

"What are you still doing here, moron?"

Naruto stopped fanning Hinata and stood up. "What are you—oh. Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh.' That was why I called you, you ungrateful brat! Hmph, telling me to 'stay out of jail,'" he added under his breath.

"Urgh..." Hinata sat up. "Wha...?"

"Hina-chan!" Naruto scurried over to her side. "Are you okay?" he asked for what seemed to be the millionth time that day. She blushed and nodded. Jiraiya rolled his eyes. "Great! Hey, do you want to go to the studio with me to help me pick out an outfit for the fashion show?"

It took all Hinata had not to get a nosebleed.

"Soo...what do you think of this one?" Naruto jumped out of the dressing room for the nineteenth time, this time wearing a tight button-up white shirt, and even tighter (if that was possible) leather, neon-orange pants. He struck an '80s pose.

Hinata felt a bit lightheaded. "U-umm..." She looked down and started fiddling with her jacket zipper.

"Heeyy, Hinata," Jiraiya placed an arm around the girl and leaned towards her. "How 'bout you come check my clothes out?"

Hinata blanched.

Naruto marched over and hit Jiraiya over the head. "I said none of that! Save it for the retirement home with people your own age!"

"Why you—" Jiraiya was silenced as Naruto struck him again, giving Hinata time to extricate herself. A large, purple bruise was beginning to form on Jiraiya's jawline. "Knew I shouldn't have signed you up for karate lessons."

"I wasn't karate, you uneducated idiot. Jiujitsu."

"Same thing. Whatever. Go pick an outfit already."

"Hinata, I need help," Naruto said. "Can you pick something?" He gestured at the silver rack stuffed with clothes.

Hinata approached the rack hesitantly, half-expecting Naruto to change his mind. 'I'm dressing Naruto,' she thought. 'Oh God. No, stop imagining him without clothes on!' Shaking her head, Hinata trailed her fingers along the hangers and settled first on a black blazer with a stand-up collar. Hinata removed it from the rack and put it in his arms. She felt her cheeks go a slight scarlet as Naruto exclaimed over the jacket. In another five minutes, a wine red shirt, black pants, and patent leather boots had been piled into Naruto's arms and the model-to-be was thrust into the changing room once more.

"I have a good feeling about this one," Jiraiya said from the other side of the room since he was a tad bit frightened of his nephew's blind wrath. "You're going to have to pick the boy's clothes from now on if this works. He'll get superstitious."

Naruto emerged from the changing room and Hinata felt her breath catch. "What do you think?" he asked. Somehow he moved differently in these clothes. More...model-like.

"Something's missing," Jiraiya said.

"What?! I look awesome!" Naruto protested.

"No, he's right." Hinata gazed between the clothing rack and Naruto. "Ah-ha!" She snagged a pair of sunglasses. "Here," she said, putting the sunglasses into Naruto's outstretched hand. She felt a little electrical jolt pass through her as her fingertips grazed his hand.

"Yeah! These are perfect, believe it! Hina, you're the best!"

Hinata beamed.

Kyuubi,

I'm too sexy for my shirt. So sexy, it hurts. Cuz I'm a model if you know what I mean...okay, I'll stop.

But I really am sexy though. Don't deny it. It's not healthy. Speaking of unhealthy, I'm being nutritionally deprived! Jiraiya told Gaara to throw out the ramen (RAMEN, I tell you!) and the sweets. They even took away the nutella. But oh, the ramen, it's just too cruel.

Ooh, but I was thinking my model name could be Ra-man (Get it? Ramen-Raman?) Hinata didn't think it was such a good idea though. It's okay. I trust her judgement. Hinata's actually really cool even though she acts a little weird around me.

Anyway, wish me luck tomorrow!

le Naruto

SONJA:

Hi guys! Thanks for reading, and sorry it took so long to get out. But, anyway, Andrew. Carthage. Long story short, Steph is a latin dork. Take that convo between Naruto and Gaara from ch. 2, and basically you get a classic conversation between me and Steph. Mais moi, je parle francais. AND I'M GOING TO FRANCE OVER APRIL VACATION AVEC MA CLASSE!!!! We're going to Paris and staying with a family. 00 Anyway, moving on, we've also decided that we are going to form a band called "Okazaki Fragments." You can find the best band names in bio textbooks.

STEPH:

So hopefully you understood the prank at the beginning. Sonja didn't which is why this chapter was a bit delayed (I come up with the prank ideas by the way. This one was a classic from the 80s when my dad was in college... yeah that's what engineers in training do to each other... I only have half his DNA)...anyway, another question from last chapter. No we didn't write on the corn, these guys in our class did. In retrosepect I wonder why we didn't think of it first. So we're sorry this took a while to get out. Collaborating takes a long time. Hope you enjoyed it. Oh, and if you're wondering when the next chapter comes out, I'll keep you updated on our progress in our profile. Gaara says review and he'll share his ice cream with you (mind you he doesn't like sharing much).