Chapter 4:

Kyuubi,

I am in prison. Yep. Prison. As in jail. Locked up. Isolated from the rest of civilization with my only company being a toilet, a dead beetle I named Sven, and a very gelatinous cell mate (word to the wise, don't poke his flab).

So… yeah. It sucks here, even though I do feel pretty kickass for writing on the wall right now.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to rant about the fashion show. It was so f-ing awesome and I did such cool shit it is totally worth being in jail. Well… almost…

Several days earlier…

"Naruto! What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

Naruto turned from the mirror. "Uh… buttoning my shirt," he replied to a very uncharacteristically frantic looking Jiraiya.

"You were supposed to be ready an hour ago!" Jiraiya whined.

"I don't even go on for another hour," Naruto said, imitating his uncle's tone.

Jiraiya gave him a sour look.

"You have a bet with Tsunade-baachan, don't you?" Naruto accused.

"No, you have a bet with her. And show some respect and call her 'Tsunade-sama.'" Naruto frowned. "To her face, anyway," Jiraiya added. They both snickered.

"Well, well, look who it is," a voice came from behind them.

Naruto turned around as he had been doing rather frequently it seemed. "Hey there, Sasu-gay."

Sasuke smirked. "So, taking part in the Konoha Fashion Show, are you?"

"Yeah, I am. Got a problem with it?"

"Oh, not at all. It's always fun to see which freshie's going to faint first, you know? Deadlast."

Naruto snarled and made his way to the other boy.

"No, Naruto!" Jiraiya reprimanded, pulling on Naruto's collar. "Your hair will get messed up!"

"It's already messed up! Let me beat up the pansy, dattebayo!"

Jiraiya struggled to hold his nephew back and turned a glare on Sasuke. "Get out of here!" he spat. Sasuke smirked and walked away. "Oi!" the old man shouted to get the attention of the struggling teenager.

Naruto glared at him. "What?"

"FOCUS!" Jiraiya bellowed.

Naruto crossed his arms and pouted. "Fine." Jiraiya released him and Naruto ran off.

"Hey!"

"I can't focus unless I beat the shit out of him!" he called as he disappeared down the hall.

"I need to wash that boy's mouth out with soap," Jiraiya muttered to himself. "Oh, son of a bitch!"

"Boy looks promising," an entertained female voice said.

"Crap, is there a trap door in here or something?" Jiraiya shouted at Tsunade. "Where do you people come from?"

"Saaasuke… oh Sasukeeeee. Where aare you?" Naruto called out in a singsong voice. He stopped in front of a door with a huge star on it. "Sasuke" glowed in blue letters across the middle.

Naruto smiled evilly. "Score!"

Quietly, he pushed the door open slowly, wincing slightly when it creaked. The lights were off inside, meaning Sasuke wasn't in there (or he was a vampire, which was a distinct possibility).

Naruto clicked on the light and decided to explore the immaculate room. It gleamed.

"This place is so… clean! Gross!" Naruto exclaimed. He flipped through Sasuke's modeling magazines disdainfully. Half the pictures in there were of Sasuke himself. "Narcissistic bastard!"

He strode off to the bathroom. Hair gel (ten bottles), tweezers, towels, and—

"A tampon? What the fu—?" Naruto looked as though he had walked into a room filled to the brim with ramen. "I knew it! I knew he was secretly a transsexual!" Naruto opened one of the drawers, still holding "le tampon." Inside were a box of tissues, q-tips, and the package of tampons… except Sasuke had crossed out "tampons" and instead labeled it with "nose-bleed suppressors."

"Creep."

Naruto walked out of the bathroom shaking his head. "Holy crap! Yes!" he shouted spying a metallic glint on the table next to the Sasuke-mags. It was a cell phone. "Of course it's black," Naruto mutter as he picked it up. "Emo." He scrolled through the menu, looking for a lovely new ringtone while softly singing: "I pick all my skirts to be a little too sexy, Just like all my thoughts they always get a bit naughty, When I'm out with my girls I always play a bit bitchy, Can't change the way I am, Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy me."

When he was done, Naruto carefully replaced the cell phone not to its previous location but into a set of pants that hung blithely on a steely clothing rack in the corner, taking care even to wipe off the smudgy fingerprints he had left behind. Snickering softly, he crept out of the room and was on his prankster way.

"Where is that goddamn boy? He's on in two minutes!" Tsunade shouted at an equally furious Jiraiya.

"I'm here!" Naruto panted, skidding to a halt next to them.

"Where were you?" Jiraiya thundered.

"I got lost," Naruto said. It was partly true, but mostly a lie. He had been busy causing mass chaos. No big deal, right?

Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling a terrible migraine coming on. "Ahh… just… just go." She happened to be standing in front of one of the numerous maps that were scattered through the building because a large majority of the model got lost the previous year.

One minute and thirty-seven seconds later, Naruto was in a line backstage, waiting to go on. Jiraiya came rushing to him. "You're on, kid!"

Naruto was pushed and shoved through rampant dark confusion (much to his resentment) until he burst onto a brightly-lit runway. Obnoxious techno music echoed through the room packed with glamorous and not-so-glamorous people. An immense number of flashbulbs went off. Naruto channeled his inner-model (since everyone has one of those) and began his trek down the runway.

A returning model hissed that he should stop smiling, but Naruto ignored his advice and whispered back, "I'm a fish. I do what I want."

"Go, Na-naruto-kun!"

Hinata had managed to push her way to the very front of the crowd. Next to her stood Sakura and Ino, mouths agape. Naruto grinned toothily and waved to the three of them. Suddenly, a massive, uniform scream echoed by the majority of the audience reverberated across the ceiling. Sasuke had arrived. Naruto turned to begin his walk back. As he passed Sasuke, he muttered, "I lost my digits, can I have yours?"

Sasuke being rather arrogant, especially where Naruto was concerned, completely and utterly ignored him. When Naruto disappeared behind the curtains, he ran past professionals trying to congratulate him and snuck off to the side. He began dialing fiercely on his vibrant orange cell phone.

From out on the runway, Naruto could hear the distinct electronic tones of the following song:

I pick all my skirts to be a little too sexy,

Just like all my thoughts, they always get a bit naughty,

When I'm out with my girls, I always play a bit bitchy,

Can't change the way I am, Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy me

A chorus of laughter echoed back from the stage and Sasuke rushed behind the curtain. He was livid. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" Naruto asked in a high-pitched voice.

"What?"

"Then you better let him out!"

"Eh?"

"Yeah, I don't get it either." Click.

"Naruto! Naruto! You must get out of bed immediately, my friend!"

Naruto groaned and pulled his pillow over his head.

"Naruto," a new voice muttered and then spoke in Latin, "Surgi!"

"Five more minutes, man," he muttered.

Naruto felt a cool breeze as somebody pulled his orange blanket with little penguins off of him.

"What the FUUU—oof!" A pillow was thrown at his head. Naruto opened his eyes to see that Gaara and Lee were in his room, staring at him. Naruto suddenly felt very self-conscious, wearing only ramen-print boxers. He picked up his blanket and pulled it across his chest.

"Ummm… what do you want?"

Lee bounded up to his bed. "Look!" He turned their small TV on to the Entertainment Channel. "Model Minute" was on. The headline "Charismatic new protégé takes Konoha be storm!" was flashing across the bottom.

"And the newspaper," Gaara said, handing him the fashion section. "Look here," Gaara said, pointing to a spot on the top of page sixty-nine. It was a quote by none other than Haruno Sakura. "…And we've learned that the sexy blonde's name is Uzumaki Naruto from friend (maybe more?) Haruno Sakura, 19. 'Oh, Naruto-kun and I go way back! We're really good friends. I actually helped him pick out his outfit.'"

"Ah-ha! I knew it was the model thing!" he declared enthusiastically with much gesticulation.

"Naruto, my friend, that was Hinata who helped you," Lee said, but Naruto didn't hear him.

"Do you think I should get a bodygaur—" Naruto was cut off as his cell phone began to ring. "Yeah, hello?" It was Jiraiya. "Yeah, Lee and Gaara just showed me. Really? No, I didn't see." Naruto flipped the pages in the newspaper to an article titled: "Famous Model Secretly Transsexual?"

Gaara snagged the paper and read the article as Naruto collapsed onto the floor. "A bit tabloid-ish, isn't it? Tampons?"

"What are tampons?" Lee asked only to be ignored.

Naruto paused his laughter for a moment. "Nah, he really has those. I snuck into his room and that's when I changed his ringtone." He realized that Jiraiya was still on the phone and grabbed his cell. "Yeah, sorry, pervert. Okay, I'll head in later today. Bye."

"Well?" Gaara said.

"I have to head in to the Modeling Agency to work out my contract," Naruto said. "So, anyway, I'm gonna go shower and sing Foo Fighters' songs badly." He grabbed a towel and head down the hall to the showers singing: "I am not alone, dear loneliness, You forgot, but I remembered this, Oh stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened, I know."

"Ah," Gaara said to Lee. "He wasn't kidding. And about the tampons… um… why don't you ask Shikamaru?"

Hatake Kakashi slammed a newspaper down in front of an apathetic Sasuke. "What the hell is this?" he shouted, pointing his finger at the word "transsexual."

"Uzumaki," Sasuke spat.

"And the tampons too? I told you to get rid of those!"

Sasuke shrugged. "It's fine. I'll make him pay."

"No," Kakashi said. "Tsunade-sama is working out a contract with the boy as we speak. He'll be untouchable."

"That won't be a problem."

"Hey! I am trying to keep you in a job! Work with me here!"

"Don't worry, Kakashi. I'm an avenger, remember?" Sasuke replied, smiling blandly and proceeded to leave the office without another word, scheming al the way.

Kakashi sighed and sat down at his latest fashionable desk, ready to remove large tufts of his grey hair from his scalp. "Goddamn it! I fucking hate models."

Naruto was strolling down the lawn with Hinata, gushing about his life as a model.

"… And Sakura-chan is actually starting to notice me!"

Hinata glanced over at Naruto. "R-really?"

"Yeah!" Naruto shouted exuberantly. "Some magazines are even thinking we might be—" he paused for dramatic effect—"a couple."

Hinata looked back to the ground, not wanting to say anything back. Her stuttering would be out of control, her voice would surely break, and everything would be so much more embarrassing, and stupid, and—

"Hinata-chan? Are you okay."

She looked up at him. "Y-yeah, I'm okay!" She flashed a quick smile and winced, noticing how her voice did indeed break when she said "I'm."

Naruto looked murderous. "It's a boy, isn't it? Who is it? What did he do?" He clenched his fists. "I'll make him cry."

"OY! Uzumaki!" Kiba strode over, looking furious.

"Eh! Was it him?" Naruto demanded, gesturing wildly at Kiba.

"N-n-no," Hinata said faintly.

Naruto didn't hear her and turned around to do gods knew what. Whatever it was that he intended to do, it never happened. Kiba's fist connected smoothly with Naruto's jaw which instantly purpled.

"N-Naruto-kun!"

Inuzuka Kiba glanced down at Naruto. The boy was sprawled out on the grass with a growing blue bump and a tiny bit of drool running down his chin. "Yeah, he deserved that," Kiba said.

"Kiba-kun!" Hinata protested.

"He was being a dick and you know it," Kiba said calmly. "You have to stand up for yourself, Hinata-chan. Or better yet, ditch him."

Hinata sighed and bit her lip.

"Either way, I'm going to be kicking his ass when he deserves it."

She watched him walk away across the quad and bent down to start carrying Naruto off to Health Services for an ice pack.

"Excuse me, what do you mean there's no ice?" Hinata asked.

The nurse looked at her sourly. "The football team just finished practice is what I mean. The KSU Foxes are going to get slaughtered again this year. Take the boy up to the dorm to rest. He'll be fine."

Hinata sighed and lifted Naruto's arm over her shoulder again. "I never knew you were so heavy, Naruto-kun."

Sasuke was brooding quietly as he walked across campus, followed as usual by his not-so-stealthy entourage of stalkers. And as he carried out this monotonous journey he spied Hyuga Hinata lugging his now arch-nemesis across the quad with a fair amount of difficulty. A smirk spread across his face and an evil plan worked its way into his head.

"Hinata, do you need some help?"

Despite her various stammered protests, Sasuke lifted Naruto off her shoulder and onto his.

"R-really, S-sasuke-san. I don't think Naruto-kun—"

"What happened to him?" Sasuke interrupted.

"Kiba-kun hit him and Health S-services doesn't have anymore ice because the football team is going to lose."

"And where are we going?" Sasuke asked, ignoring most of what Hinata said.

"W-well, I was going to try and find Gaara-san for the dorm key or take him to… to my dorm," she whispered.

They never found Gaara, so fifteen minutes later, Naruto was dumped only marginally gently onto Hinata's bed.

"Hinata."

She looked up, startled. "Y-yes, Sasuke-san?"

"You should find Gaara," he answered.

"U-um, okay. What about you?"

"Don't worry," Sasuke replied. "Naruto-kun will be taken care of."

Hinata reluctantly opened the door and walked out, hoping that anything Sasuke might have learned in his after-class lessons with Orochimaru wouldn't be put to use on Naruto.

After Hinata left, Sasuke unleashed his true glare of hatred that had the ability to make babies cry. Naruto even shuddered slightly in his sleep. "You are a thorn in my ass--I mean side, yeah, side—Uzumaki. I'll show you who you're dealing with." He glanced at Naruto's somewhat sloppy attire and winced slightly as he realized exactly what his plan entailed. No matter; he had a trusty pair of rubber gloves in his back pocket that would be perfect for the job.

After about fifteen minutes of searching, Hinata had found Gaara up in a tree reading emo poetry. She quickly related the events in which Naruto had been rendered unconscious. Gaara shook his head sadly and followed her up to her dorm. When they arrived, however, they were greeted by a small squad of cop cars with flashing lights parked by the curb. A familiar voice was shouting, "Oy! I'm not a pervert, dattebayo! Okay, well, maybe I have picked up on some bad influences, but you can't just dump this whole 'indecent exposure' crap on me!"

Hinata averted her eyes abashedly as Naruto was marched in front of them, utterly bare save a pair of handcuffs.

"What the hell?" Gaara questioned.

Hinata gasped. "I left him with Sasuke!"

Kyuubi—

Yeah, so after I woke up with, like, nothing on, what else was I supposed to do? Borrow Hinata's clothes?

It's not like her little skirts would've fit on me anyway--not that I, uh, looked in her drawers or anything...

AND. OH. Seriously? Indecent exposure? W. T. F. Maybe I like a healthy breeze blowing around my privates, thank you.

Well, I'm gonna go get down with my bad self (a.k.a. they're feeding me now! Contrary to popular belief, prison food is AWESOME!! Ramen, here I come!). Foshizzle.

Later, yo.

Authoresses' Note: We apologize immensely for the lateness of this chapter. Yes, we know it's been nearly two months. We have a lot of really good excuses about exams and being in France (oCT: which now accounts for THE BEST TEN DAYS OF MY LIFE!! Speaking french 24/7, scammers, pickpockets, the metro! It doesn't get any better than that) and co-writing being difficult in general, but we hope that this chapter made up for it and we promise to be a good deal speedier next time around. Simply know that no matter how long the abscence is, this story is not being given up. If you ever are curious as to when we might be posting or why it's late, please check our profile. Thank you for putting up with us. Splee.