She lay awake the next morning just watching him sleep. Their night had been amazing, and it felt so good to just be with him again. To be around him and take in that aura that he had always carried - the calming effect he had on her. He made her feel at home and comfortable, and she'd missed that.
But those three words were stuck in her mind. She didn't know whether to be happy, or angry, or terrified. She'd waited so long to hear them, and he'd finally said them. But after everything that had happened, how could he just blurt it out like that? Did he think that everything was magically going to be fixed just because he'd admitted to loving her? And the terrifying part was that she felt it too.
She hadn't told him about Andrea or the premonition, and she'd tried to push it to the back of her mind. She didn't want to get her hopes up, and she didn't want to rush into anything just because Andrea, or the universe, or wherever that image had come from, had told her that her and Lucas were supposed to be together.
She heard him inhale sharply, and she knew he was awake. She thought for a moment about pretending to not be watching him, but after the night they'd shared, she figured they didn't have any secrets.
He rolled onto his side to face her. "Morning," he said with a satisfied smile.
"Hi," she whispered.
"How long have you been awake?" he asked, taking her hand in his.
"A while," she said. She leaned in and placed a light kiss on his lips.
"God, I missed you," he said with his eyes closed.
They lay in silence again. She'd never felt such conflicting emotions all at once. They'd never needed words to convey how they really felt. But for some reason, she was compelled to explain herself or at least ask if he meant what he'd said. Maybe he just got caught up in the moment and in seeing her. Maybe he didn't mean it the way it sounded.
"Luke, about what you said last night..." she couldn't look at him as she said the words, because she was afraid she'd see emotion on his face that she didn't want to. But at the same time, she didn't know what she did want to see.
He ran his thumb over her knuckles. "Peyton, I said it because I wanted you to know, not because I needed to hear it back."
She went quiet and he wasn't sure what that meant. He knew he shouldn't have told her on the first day they were together, but he didn't want to waste any more time. All he'd thought about for the past month and a half was her. All he'd wanted was her, in front of him, so he could make her see that the time and distance and problems between them all meant nothing in comparison to how he felt in his heart.
"Well, it's 10:30, and we can't stay in bed all day..." he started, turning to face her.
"We can't?" she interrupted. She kissed him again and a moan came from deep in his throat.
"Well, when you put it that way," he said with a chuckle. "Actually, I have a practice at 1:00, remember?"
"Oh! Right," she said, laughing. "Well, then maybe I'll stay in your bed all day and you can do whatever." She waved a hand dismissively and rolled away from him, inadvertently pulling the sheets off his body.
He ran his hand over her hip and leaned into her, leaving a trail of kisses on her bare shoulder to the back of her neck. "Still stealing the covers, I see," he whispered. "I'm gonna go shower."
He got up and started towards the bathroom. She turned onto her back to watch him leave, and she knew that everything was much more complicated than either of them were letting on. Problems aren't fixed overnight, and old grudges aren't forgotten. Yet somehow, when they were together, neither of them asked questions or brought up old issues. She hadn't decided yet whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.
Once she heard the water start, she got out of the bed and grabbed her clothes off his floor before making her way back to 'her' bedroom. She sat for a moment, just listening to him hum a melody she didn't recognize, and she decided to join him. She walked into the bathroom but he didn't notice her there until she pulled open the shower curtain and climbed in with him. He could only stare at her. His throat went dry and his eyes darkened at the sight of her.
"What?" she asked innocently. "We should be conserving water right? Just doing my part."
"What happened to staying in bed all day?" he asked, as water ran over both of them, wetting her hair and making her skin glisten.
"Just not as fun without you there," she said with a smile.
--
After they had dressed and gotten ready for the day, they sat in the kitchen with coffee and bagels, though it was closer to lunch than it was to breakfast by that time.
"So listen, I think Haley and Jamie are coming to practice today. You should come and hang out. Then we could just head to their place after," he said.
"That sounds perfect," she replied.
An hour later, they were walking into the gym, and she was overcome with nostalgia. She saw the State Championship banner from the year he, Nathan and Skills carried the team to the win, and the one from the previous year that the three coached. She saw Nathan's jersey number retired, and the empty space on the wall where Dan's used to hang. Being in this building made her realize how many major events this school had held for all of them.
"Wow," she said, smiling at him. "I feel like I should be wearing my cheerleading uniform."
"Well, you wouldn't hear any complaints from me," he laughed, earning him a playful swat on the arm.
Their semi-innocent flirtation was stopped by Haley's call of Peyton's name echoing through the gym. They turned to see the Scott family walking towards them, all three of them smiling.
"Hey Haley!" she said happily, wrapping her friend into a hug, then Nathan put his arms around both of them. "It's so great to see you guys," she sighed.
They stood chatting for a while, until the players started trickling into the gym, and Haley and Peyton moved to the bleachers and watched as Nathan and Lucas ran drills with the team.
"I still can't believe you're here!" Haley exclaimed. "It all seems so...out of the blue!"
"I know. It's been a little crazy," Peyton said with a smile. "But it's really good to be back."
"Luke looks happy," Haley pointed out, nodding in the blonde's direction. "He's had a rough few months with the whole Lindsey thing, and her not coming back."
Peyton didn't know what to say to that, so she offered a weak smile in lieu of words.
"I guess when he went to New York, she told him there was never going to be another chance for them," Haley said sadly.
Peyton's heart fell. He went to New York to see her. When? Why hadn't he told her about that? He'd told her about the breakup over dinner the night before, but he hadn't mentioned that he'd tried to win her back. It shouldn't have bothered her, but it did. She couldn't understand why he'd go to New York and fight for Lindsey, but he wouldn't fight for her. She couldn't ask Haley any of these questions, because as far as she knew, Peyton was only there for a friendly visit, not to fall in love with Lucas again.
Too bad she already had.
The two women sat in silence for a few more minutes until Haley asked about Peyton's work. They spent the rest of the hour falling back into the friendship they'd had years ago. They whistled and cat-called from the stands when Nathan removed his shirt to play on the 'skins' team to replace a player who'd been injured the week before. Lucas looked over to where they were laughing and relished the sight of his best friend and the woman he loved getting along so well. This was how he wanted things to be.
--
Over dinner at Nathan and Haley's, Lucas watched as Peyton interacted with his family. Her innocent jokes and ribbing with Nathan, her easy conversation with Haley, and her caring and sweet attention on Jamie. He had never been more certain that he wanted her to be part of this family. Nathan noticed his brother staring as Peyton talked with Haley, with Jamie on the counter between them, and nudged Lucas. When the blonde looked at him, Nathan just shook his head and smiled. He knew what was going through his brother's head.
She caught him staring more than once, and each time he'd just smile at her, completely unfazed that he'd been caught. She'd spent the entire day with his family and it just felt...right. It felt good to be around them. It was comfortable. Nothing was forced and it felt like she hadn't been away for 5 years. And it scared the hell out of her. It shouldn't have been that easy. It should have been awkward and she should have faced questions about her intentions and her reasons for being there. She knew she was feeling too much, too soon.
And the thought of him and Lindsey wouldn't leave her mind. As soon as they stepped back into his bedroom, all she could see was him with another woman. She didn't know what Lindsey looked like, but she didn't have to, to know that she felt completely snubbed by him. It was silly. She was the one there now with him. His hands were on her waist, not someone else's, but she couldn't shake the feeling that she was somehow his consolation prize. In her mind, it was though he'd tried to win someone else over, but had lost, so he brushed himself off and went back to her.
He kissed her forehead and pulled away to smile at her.
"I um...I'm pretty tired," she started. "I think I'm just going to head to bed."
"Oh," he said, trying to hide his confusion. She was walking towards his door and it was clear he'd be sleeping alone for the night. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah!" she said quickly. "I'm just really worn out. Jet lag or something." The excuse sounded lame even to her. She turned to look at him, and the expression on his face told her that he knew something was up.
"Peyton," he said, tilting his head.
"Luke, I really just don't think we need to rush anything," she said, knowing that the night before was rushed and frantic, but also really great. "I think we should just go to bed, then talk tomorrow before I leave."
He just nodded. He couldn't tell her that was a good plan, because nothing had sounded worse to him. He just wanted to be near her, but he also wanted to respect her wishes, so he smiled in her direction and watched as she disappeared into his mom's room and closed the door behind her.
She stood for a few moments with her back to the door. She felt like crying, for some reason. The past two weeks had been such a whirlwind. She'd been so blinded by him since she had arrived in Tree Hill, that she hadn't stopped to think that maybe this was all just an illusion. Maybe he only wanted her because she was there to have. Maybe she only wanted him because it was comfortable. Maybe she was hanging onto the memories of what they used to have, and not realizing how many things had changed. Things were different.
She shed her clothes, but suddenly her body temperature had increased and wearing the pajamas she'd brought seemed suffocating to her. She noticed one of his old faded tee shirts hanging in the closet, and took it from its hanger to pull it over her head. It smelled like him, and she breathed in the fabric, desperately hoping she hadn't made a mistake by coming back. Or by not being next to him right now.
As soon as her head hit the pillow, she began to silently cry. She'd perfected the art as a child, not wanting her father to know when she was sad, because she knew it would break him even more than he already was. With Lucas, she'd always been able to sob. Big, ugly sobs would escape her body because she knew he was there to comfort her. But now, she didn't want him to know that she was upset and uncertain. She didn't even really know why she was crying, and she knew he'd ask and she wouldn't have an answer. So she lay still, letting her tears wet the pillow.
As soon as the door had closed behind her, Lucas began replaying the days' events in his head. What had happened? Had he said or done something to upset her? What was with the sudden change of heart? He pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms and pulled his shirt off before getting into bed. He just lay on his back in the darkness thinking of how close she was. He had a terrible feeling deep in the pit of his stomach that she'd realized she didn't want to be with him. He lay awake for what might have been hours, just breathing in the silence.
Peyton had finally stopped crying. She looked over at the clock. 1:43. Suddenly, it was as if the loneliness was consuming her. The man she cared more for than anyone in the world was a few mere paces away, and she was here alone. He was in a warm bed 2 doors and about 30 feet away. How was it that she'd slept without him for 5 years, but now that seemed an impossibility?
She quietly got up and pulled the door open as gently as she could. She noticed his door hadn't been shut, which she found odd, but was thankful for. It was then that she realized she was only in a pair of boy cut underwear and his tee shirt, but as quickly as the worry entered her mind, it left. She stood in his doorway and gently tapped on the frame.
His head snapped up to see her. He was sure she was trying to torture him - using her legs as cruel and unusual punishment. Taunting him with something he couldn't touch.
"Hi," she said. Her voice was so quiet that he could barely hear her.
"Hi." He propped himself up on his elbows and stared at her. The only light was coming through his window from a street light. Before he could say anything more, she was walking towards him. She settled herself on top of him and kissed him.
"I'm sorry," she said, slipping off him and running her hand down his neck to rest on his chest.
"For what?" he asked, confused.
"A lot of things," she whispered. She could feel the tears threatening to fall again, so she pulled away to slide under the covers. After she'd composed herself, she curled against him. "I don't know what to do."
"About?"
"I want to be here, Lucas. But so many parts of my life are in L.A." she explained somberly.
"Just follow your heart, Peyt." he said softly. He knew when she came into his room through the darkness, and when she said she wanted to be there, that he had her. He knew that telling her to follow her heart was a thinly-veiled way of telling her to leave L.A. and come home. To him.
"I came in here, didn't I?" she attempted to joke, but he knew on some level that she was serious. He pulled her closer and they just held each other until they found sleep.
--
When she woke up the next morning, the bed next to her was empty. It took her a couple moments to clear herself of the fog she'd woken up in. She heard some noise coming from the kitchen, so she rose from the bed to see what he was doing out there. She already had some idea. She leaned against the door frame again, watching him take a sip of coffee as he flipped the pancakes that were cooking on the stove.
"Well, well. Lucas Scott making me breakfast? What did I do to deserve this?" she asked jokingly. She moved toward him and accepted the mug of coffee he had held out for her.
"Well for starters, you flew across the country to see me. Then, you came into my room in the middle of the night looking like that," he said wit a smirk, pointing to her sleep attire.
"Aha," she laughed as she took a seat at the table. "I should have know it was all about the legs."
"Baby, it's always about the legs," he teased, pressing a kiss to her forehead, and setting two plates on the table and sitting to join her.
They chatted and joked while they finished their breakfast, before moving to the couch in the living room, where they sat facing each other. Each of them were nursing their second cup of coffee.
"Ugh," she groaned. "The last thing I want to do today is sit on a plane for 5 hours."
"Well," he started, "You don't have to."
"What? Lucas..."
"You could stay," he interrupted. "You could stay here for a couple more days at least."
"Luke, I have to work," she informed him.
"I know, but..." his voice trailed as he searched for words. He took the mug from her hands and placed it on the table next to him. He placed her hands in his. "Three days isn't enough."
She tilted her head and smiled at him. His words were sweet and sincere and she loved him for that. "You are something else, you know that?"
"What?" he asked with a laugh. "What does that mean?"
"It means this weekend has been really great," she started, her eyes meeting his. "And I wish I could stay, but I really can't."
"OK. But when are you coming back?" he asked hopefully.
"I don't know, Luke." She didn't want to lie to him, but she didn't realize that the words she'd said were the worst possible ones she could have chosen.
She ignored the look on his face because she had to. She couldn't look at those eyes, holding sadness and hurt and disappointment, and still do what she had to do. She glanced at the clock instead of at him.
"I have to get dressed. I have to be at the airport in a couple hours," she said, standing from her place and leaving him sitting there, stunned and heartbroken.
He had thought they'd made progress. He thought they'd had a good weekend and had begun to mend fences. He thought she was in love with him, too. One of two things was going on: either she was scared, or this weekend had just been a fling for her. He knew her well enough to know it wasn't the latter.
He got up and walked towards the closed door she was on the other side of, and thought for a moment about knocking, but knew that he wouldn't see anything he hadn't already seen if he just opened the door.
She was just pulling her shirt over her head when the door opened. She spun around to face him.
"What's going on, Peyton?" he asked, his voice laced with dismay.
"I'm just getting ready to go," she said innocently.
He let out a sigh and rolled his eyes. "No. What's going on?" he repeated.
"I don't know. I wish this was easier," she said, looking to her hands.
"It is easy," he said softly, hoping to convince her.
"It's not, Luke!" she shouted. She hadn't wanted to get upset, but he didn't understand the inner conflict she was dealing with.
He stood for a moment just looking at her. For him, it was simple. He wanted her.
"I think you're scared, Peyton," he stated.
"Hell yes, I'm scared, Luke!" she shot back, meeting his eyes with her own. "You don't know how much it hurt last time. You broke my heart! You know how hard it is for me to just try to set that all aside and come back to you? But I'm putting myself out there."
"Are you? Because you've been hot and cold with me. What's up with that, Peyton? You fly out here, we sleep together, have a great day, then you pull away and tell me you're not sure when - if - you want to see me again. You seem to want to make this difficult. What are you so scared of?" he asked, taking a step towards her.
"You! I know what you can do to me. I know how much I wanted you to call me 5 years ago and tell me you couldn't live without me. But you never fought for me, Lucas! You fought for Brooke, and according to Haley, you've spent the last 4 months fighting for Lindsey. But you never fought for me."
"I didn't think you needed me to." He was taken aback by her statement. They had never needed such grand gestures - their relationship had always just been there.
"That's the problem," she said, shaking her head. "You knew I loved you enough that you didn't have to work for it. You knew I was more invested than you, and you liked that. So you didn't even try."
"Didn't try?" he asked dubiously. "I wrote two entire books about you! About us! Not that you'd know, because apparently, you don't care enough about me to read them. You're the one who left me, Peyton, not the other way around."
"Oh, we're back to that, are we?" She ran her hands through her hair in frustration. "Two weeks ago, Lucas, you told me what a mistake that was. Now you're throwing it in my face again? I might have left, but you cut the cord and you know it."
"You didn't believe in us! You didn't believe in me. You didn't think I could finish my novel or get a coaching job. You ran away when it got too hard, Peyton. It's what you do."
It was all she could do not to slap him. She wanted to. She wanted the release of marking his flesh with all the anger he was creating in her with his words. Instead, she felt her eyes tearing up. The one person she thought understood her, she was starting to think never had.
"I loved you, Lucas," she said softly as the tear slid down her face. "I guess that was just never enough for you."
"Yeah, well maybe I was never enough for you." He pointed at her for effect. He needed to occupy his hands to keep himself from reaching out and wiping her tears away.
She couldn't speak. She had nothing to say to him. She wanted to scream at him and tell him that he was always enough, but she knew he wouldn't believe her no matter how much she tried to convince him. So instead of speaking, she just shook her head to express her disappointment.
"Maybe this weekend was just wishful thinking," he finally said. "You obviously don't feel the same way about us as I do."
"How do you feel, Lucas? Really. Because you can write all the books you want, and say that they're about us. But what you write and how you act are two totally different things," she said. She was so defeated now that all she wanted to do was lay down and cry. She'd lost. She'd lost him, and she'd lost her reasons for coming here.
"I feel like you don't want me. I feel like I felt 5 years ago when I realized that you will always choose everything else over me. Your friendship with Brooke, Jake, L.A. Everything else is more important than me, right?"
His words couldn't have been further from the truth, and that filled her with rage and heartbreak. She'd lost her friendship with Brooke so they could be together. She'd left Jake so she could admit to herself who was really in her heart. She'd just left L.A. so they could see if there was something still there. He was only seeing what he wanted to see.
"Fuck you, Lucas. Maybe if you got off your high horse, you'd see what I've been trying to say to you for the past few days. But if you haven't realized it, then I'm not going to say the words again," she said angrily. "I'm done fighting for you."
"You know what? Maybe that's for the best."
She laughed and shook her head in his direction, then grabbed her bag and stormed past him and out the door of the room. He tried to follow her, but she made her way to the front door and slammed it behind her.
She pulled out her phone and dialed the only number she could think of.
"Hey Peyton," Nathan said, surprised.
"Hey. Would you be able to drive me to the airport?" she asked, anger still evident in her voice.
"Um...yeah, I can. What happened?" he asked, knowing something must have gone really wrong for her to need a ride from someone other than Lucas.
"Just...don't ask," she said, drying the last of her tears with the back of her hand.
"OK," he agreed. "Where are you?"
--
Nathan had driven Peyton to the airport pretty much in silence the entire way. He could see that she'd been crying, and he knew that whatever happened, it wasn't good. She insisted he drop her off at the curb, and that he didn't need to park the car and wait with her until they called her flight.
He hopped out and pulled her into a hug. "I'd say 'see you soon', but I doubt I will be, right?"
"I don't know Nate. I...it's a mess," she said, hanging her head. "I'll call you, OK? Thanks for the ride."
"No problem. We love you, you know that," he said with a reassuring smile.
"Thanks. I love you guys, too." She gave him one last smile before he nodded and she turned to walk into the airport.
She was heartbroken again. She knew that this would be the last time she was home in a long time. L.A. was home now. She pulled out her phone and texted Andrea, 'You were wrong.'
Part of her wanted him to come running through the crowd and take her in his arms, convincing her that she was all he wanted, and he'd take whatever she was willing to give. She sat for an hour until her flight was called, scanning the crowd for his face. He wasn't there.
She made her way towards her gate and didn't look back again. For the first time since she knew him, she felt like her and Lucas were finally and truly over.