Family Greetings

"Is it that one?" Baldrick asked.

"Nope," George replied.

"How about that one?" Baldrick pointed up.

"Nope, guess again," George said.

"That one?"

"Nope."

"That one?"

"Nope."

"That one?"

"Nope."

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!" Darling yelled with his eye twitching like mad. "It's bad enough being lost for the last three hours and not being able to ask for directions in English, but to have to listen to you idiots play 'Guess Which Star in Mine' is more than I can take!" He turned off the road onto a dirt pathway.

"I say, have we finally arrived?" George asked as they pulled in front of an old two story house.

"Yes, thank goodness," Darling sighed as he parked the car and got out. "Private, get the bags."

"What bags sir?" Baldrick asked.

"The bags Private!" Darling turned and shouted at him. "You know, luggage? The things containing your clothes, toiletries and other items?"

"Oh yeah, those," Baldrick nodded his head. "I have no need for them sir on account of all my things not being in a bag."

"Really? Where are they?" Darling asked.

"I'm wearing them sir," Baldrick replied.

"Oh geeze," Darling groaned. "Well then get my bags and the Lieutenant's."

"I can't do that sir," Baldrick protested.

"Why not?"

"Because they're back at headquarters sir."

"WHAT?!" Darling screamed. "WHAT ARE THEY DOING THERE?! WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT THEM IN THE CAR BEFORE WE LEFT?!"

"Well I was going to sir right after I finished looking at my election but you said to get in the car, so I didn't do it," Baldrick explained.

"Perfect! Just bloody perfect!" Darling threw his hands into the air. "This trip is off to a rousing start and the weekend has barely begun!"

"Oh come now sir, it's not that bad," George spoke up. "After all, things are bound to get better from here on in."

"Not bloody likely," Darling grumbled and angrily stomped up to the front door of the house. "Let's hurry up and get inside so I can find a bed and cry myself to sleep." He grabbed the brass doorknocker and banged it three times.

"Eh? Just a moment," the door opened revealing a plump elderly woman with dark brown hair. "Ah, Kevin! So good to see you!" she pulled Darling close and kissed him on the cheeks.

"Hello Aunt Josephine," Darling managed to smile slightly. "Sorry we're late. There was some...unexpected trouble finding the place."

"Ah, it's no problem," Josephine spoke in French-accented English. "Well, come in. Come in. Hurry before you catch a cold."

"Thank you," Darling bowed as the three British soldiers entered the house.

"And who are these gentlemen?" Josephine looked at George and Baldrick quizzically.

"Oh, ah, these are some...colleagues of mine," Darling stammered and turned toward them. "This is..."

"SQUIBBY!" a high pitched squeal was heard followed by the sound of running footsteps. A few seconds later a brown haired man who bore an uncanny resemblance to Darling burst into the room. The only differences were his clean shaven face, a large amount of curly hair and a happy twinkle in his eyes. "SQUIBBY! YOU'RE HERE! YOU'RE HERE!'

"Oh please Pierre, I told you to stop calling me...AAACCCKKK!" Darling yelped as Pierre wrapped him in a fierce bear hug.

"Squibby!" Pierre continued to hug him and shook him around wildly. "I'm so happy you're here! So happy, happy, happy!"

"Need...air!" Darling gasped while starting to turn blue. "Can't...breathe..."

"Pierre, let poor Kevin go!" Josephine scolded. "He looks likes he's about to faint."

"Sorry mama," Pierre released him.

"Ugh, my back," Darling groaned and barely managed to fall into a nearby chair. "And I thought the cows were bad."

"Cows?" Josephine blinked.

"Trust me, you don't want to know," Darling moaned.

"Well now, who's this fine looking chap?" George asked.

"Oh yes. Lieutenant, Private, this is my sixth cousin Pierre Percival de Darling," Darling gestured towards him. "And my 'Aunt' Josephine."

"Delighted to me you old boy!" George grabbed Pierre's hand and pumped it vigorously. "Say what's all this 'Squibby' business?"

"Oh no! Pierre don't tell him!" Darling groaned.

"Well it's a funny story really," Pierre grinned happily.

"He tells him anyway," Darling moaned.

"You see it's a combination of a couple of words," Pierre explained. "When we were kids we used to play near the sea. One day Squibby went and fell into a big tidal pool full of live squid and they attached themselves to his ribs and back so he leapt out howling like a banshee and crying for his mama!"

"Alright, that's enough. You don't have to go on," Darling tried to interrupt.

"And every time he'd bump or hit one of the squid with his arms it squirted him with ink until he looked like a human nib!" Pierre laughed and slapped George on the back. "Some of them even went and managed to climb onto his face and head! He tried pulling them away but ended up ripping off his pants and..."

"I SAID THAT'S ENOUGH!" Darling shouted.

"Kevin! Keep your voice down!" Josephine glared at him.

"Sorry Auntie," Darling apologized looking embarrassed.

"What is all the noise about down here?" a young woman with strawberry blonde hair entered the room dressed in a robe and nightgown. "Kevin! You finally made it!"

"Doris?!" Darling yelped at the sight of his girlfriend and tried to stand up, but quickly sank back into the chair. "Ow..."

"Oh Kevin!" Doris hurried over and flung her arms around him. "What happened?" She noticed his numerous injuries. "Did the Germans do this to you?"

"Actually what happened was..." Baldrick began.

"Shut up Private!" Darling snapped and turned towards Doris. "Yes, I was injured in the line of duty protecting vital military equipment from a vicious and brutal enemy."

"Wow. I never would have described it like that sir," George said shrugging.

"Be quiet Lieutenant," Darling hissed. "Doris what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to see you of course," Doris cooed while draped over him. "When your mother told me you had a weekend pass to visit relatives here I immediately made arrangements to come and see you."

"Really?" Darling blinked. "Maybe this trip won't be so bad after all."

"And who is this?" Doris asked looking at George. "And that smelly walking mudball next to him?"

"Yes Kevin, you've been here for nearly six minutes and still haven't introduced your friends here," Josephine motioned towards them.

"Oh yes," Darling grumbled. "Everyone this is Lieutenant George St. Barleigh and Private Baldrick, two...companions of mine."

"Well hello, bonjour and a hearty how do you do to everyone!" George chirped and waved his hand.

"Yeah, what he said," Baldrick pointed at George with his thumb.

"Why hello," Doris stood up and got close to George. "And what's a handsome fellow like you doing here?"

"What?" Darling gasped and nearly fell out of the chair.

"Oh I'm accompanying Captain Darling here on his little weekend excursion," George explained.

"Captain Darling, eh?" Pierre grinned. "Way to go Squibby! And to think you used to cry when we'd go sheep riding and they bit you on the bottom!"

"For the last time Pierre, stop calling me that absurd nickname!" Darling snapped. "And those sheep were killers! They were large, shaggy and had huge teeth!"

"Really?" George asked. "Well that does sound quite scary sir."

"Why do you keep calling him sir?" Pierre asked. "How about something flashier like CD."

"CD?" George repeated.

"Yeah. Captain Darling. CD. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" Pierre asked. "Makes you think of something shiny and new."

"Oh come on Pierre, that is the lamest abbreviation I have ever heard," Darling scoffed. "CD, like that'll ever become popular for anything."

"That's enough arguing from you Kevin," Josephine shushed him. "Now you three must be hungry from your long trip," she motioned to Darling, George and Baldrick. "I wasn't able to save any supper for you since you arrived so late. However, if you'll come to the kitchen I can fix you a little something to eat."

"Well that's jolly nice of you ma'am," George said. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse, hooves, tail and all."

"Yeah, I love horse blood soup the way my mum used to make it," Baldrick added. "Though she usually couldn't find any dead horses so she'd use horse blood substitute."

"Really? That's sounds fascinating!" Pierre slung an arm around Baldrick's shoulder and led him into the kitchen.

"And I'd love to hear more about you," Doris giggled siding up to George and taking his arm. "You must have some great stories to tell about leading men into battle. Not like Kevin who stays behind counting pencils or whatever."

"What?" Darling yelped. "But...but Doris..."

"Oh I'm sure I can come up with an anecdote or two!" George grinned.

"And I'm make sure you come up with a few things in the back," Darling got up and followed after him with a twitch in his eye. "Right after I find out where Auntie keeps the steak knives."