Sleepless Inn

"Mmm, now that was a most satisfying supper," George praised as he wiped his chin with a napkin.

"So glad you enjoyed it," Josephine smiled as she cleared his plate.

"Need any help with the dishes?" Baldrick asked.

"Ah, no. It's perfectly alright," Josephine waved.

"Yes, having him clean dishes would be like washing fine china in a swamp," Kevin grumbled.

"Pierre, why don't you show everyone to a room while I finishing cleaning up," Josephine said while carrying a few more dishes to the sink.

"Are you sure you have enough room for us all?" George asked. "I mean you weren't expecting Baldrick and me to be here after all."

"It's no problem," Pierre waved. "The inn has lots of room."

"Inn? This is an inn?" George blinked.

"Not anymore," Josephine explained. "It used to be an inn back in the 1700's. Actually it was something less reputable, but our family changed that."

"Yeah, it's been in our family for generations," Pierre nodded excitedly. "My papa got it from his papa who got it from his papa who got it from his papa who got it from his papa who got it off some guy in a baccarat game."

"Oh, so your great something grandfather was a card sharp, was he?" George asked.

"No. He was a thief. He grabbed the deed to the inn after a brawl broke out and the previous owner got a dagger in the neck," Pierre explained.

"Well thank you Pierre for today's history lesson," Darling rolled his eyes and stood up. "Come on Lieutenant, Private. Let's go find some rooms."

"Yeah, let's go!" Pierre jumped up and slapped Darling on the back. "Come on Squibby!"

"Stop calling me that," Darling snapped as Pierre grabbed his arm and dragged him away.

"Sir, permission to make a request," Baldrick said as he, George and Doris followed them out of the room and up the stairs.

"What is it Private?" Darling sighed.

"May I bunk with you tonight?" Baldrick asked.

"Absolutely not!" Darling shouted. "Why in the world would I allow you do such a thing? Why do you need to bunk with anyone when you can have a whole room all to yourself?"

"Well, I'm just not used to being alone at night sir," Baldrick replied. "At home I always slept with with me mum and dad. And since the war started I've been bunking with Captain Blackadder and the Lieutenant."

"No problem Baldrick," Pierre let go of Darling and moved next to Baldrick. "You can stay with me in my room. We'll have loads of fun!"

"Really? Thank you sir," Baldrick smiled. "We can camp out and watch for ghosts and monsters together."

"Yeah, good idea," Pierre shivered. "You can never be too careful about ghosts and monsters. Especially with a dead body in the basement."

"What?" Darling twitched. "There's a dead body in the basement?"

"Oh yeah. Old Mrs. Beaujeu," Pierre nodded nervously. "She lived with us for a while after her husband was killed at Sedan."

"Oh so he was killed during the Franco-Prussian War?" Darling asked.

"No, Mrs. Beaujeu shot him after she found him in a barn there with another woman," Pierre explained. "Then she shot the woman and threw both their bodies down a well."

"Well imagine that," George blinked. "I mean killing someone just because they were close to your significant other. Can you believe it?"

"I can't," Doris sighed leaning against George's chest. "It's so tragic."

"I don't know. I think I have pretty good idea," Darling twitched with a dangerous look in his eye.

"Yeah, Mrs. Beaujeu was buried here beneath the basement floorboards," Pierre continued with the story. "She wanted to be close to Mr. Culant."

"And dare I ask who Mr. Culant is?" Darling looked at Pierre. "Please tell me he's not another dead body."

"Oh no. He's the rainbow pony who lives in the broken iron stove down there," Pierre waved. "At least that what she said."

"Of course," Darling groaned.

"Mr. Culant isn't a ghost is he?" Baldrick asked.

"No, he's not," Pierre assured him. "I know what ghosts and monsters are like. At night can I feel their evil eyes looking at me and then I call papa in to scare them all away. Usually they appear five or six times a night!"

"That reminds me Pierre, where is your father?" Doris asked.

"Oh he's in the army," Pierre said nervously. "Joined soon as the war started. He was so happy to leave the house. Said he'd finally be able to get a good night's sleep."

"Can't say I blame him," Darling muttered. "So which room's the best?"

"Oh that one at the end of the landing," Pierre pointed absently. "Come on Baldrick let's go prepare our defenses!"

"Yes sir!" Baldrick said following him into his room.

"Here George," Doris smiled as she lead him to the opposite end of the landing. "You can have the room next to mine. I'll show it to you."

"Well thank you very much," George grinned at her. "I'm looking forward to getting a little shut eye."

"What?" Darling yelped. "Now wait just a second..."

"Right in there," Doris cooed as she opened the door for George. "If you need anything just let me know."

"Oh I will, don't you worry," George nodded his head excitedly. "Well, time to hit to sack. Good night ma'am. Captain." He entered the room and closed the door.

"Good night you adorable thing you," Doris smiled as she went to her room.

"Doris!" Darling shouted and ran across the landing. He started pounding on her door. "Doris I need to talk to you!"

"Not now Kevin," Doris called out. "It's late. Talk to me tomorrow, alright?"

"But...but," Darling sputtered.

"Good night Kevin," Doris said.

"Aaarrrggghhh!" Darling stomped off to his room. "I can't stand it!" He got undressed and crawled into bed. "I'm going to have nightmares tonight. At least they'll be more pleasant than the nightmare I live when I'm awake."

A short while later Darling became aware of a warm presence resting on his shoulder. "Oh, so you decided to drop in after all," Darling grinned and opened his eyes, only to see two glowing orbs staring at him from the darkness. "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"SQUEEEEEE!" the thing on his shoulder cried and jumped off.

"OH MY GOSH! WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?!" Darling screamed and drew the blankets up over his head.

"I'M COMING SQUIBBY!" Pierre burst into the room branishing a broom. He spied Darling wiggling underneath the blankets. "AAAHHHHHH! A BLOB MONSTER ATE SQUIBBY!" He started beating the blankets with his broom. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"

"OW! OW! OW!" Darling wailed as he was whacked repeatedly. "PIERRE KNOCK IT OFF! IT'S ME!" He threw the blankets off him.

"Oh Squibby! You're alive! You're alive!" Pierre yelled and gave him a big hug. "I saved you from the evil blob monster!"

"Pierre, that was me underneath a blanket!" Darling groaned and held his side painfully. "Oh, I think you crushed my kidney!"

"Oops! Sorry Squibby," Pierre apologized nervously and patted Darling on the back. "I heard you yelling and thought you saw a monster."

"No, I saw that!" Darling shouted pointing at something in the corner. "What the heck is that thing?"

"Oh, that's just my pet ferret Robert," Pierre said walking over and picking up the ferret.

"You pet ferret?!" Darling yelped. "Why do you have a pet ferret?"

"Because mama wouldn't let me keep a leopard," Pierre said petting his ferret. "Don't worry. Robert just likes to curl up and share body heat."

"Well so do I except I prefer to do it with a member of my own species!" Darling shouted throwing on his uniform top. "Speaking of which I'm going to go remedy that right now!"

"AAARRRGGGHHH! MR. PIERRE!" Baldrick called out down the hall. "THERE'S A GHOST IN THE LAVATORY!"

"Oh no!" Pierre shouted setting down Robert and gripping his broom. "Don't worry Squibby! I'll protect you!" He ran out the room.

"Oh geeze," Darling groaned and made his way down the landing. "It's amazing Auntie hasn't woken up from all this racket. Oh, that's right. She's a real heavy sleeper. I found that out at the family reunion at London Zoo eighteen years ago. Elephants and ostriches and tigers were running all over the place due to Pierre's little 'accident' and there Auntie was, curled up on a bench snoring like a lumber mill."

Darling reached Doris' room and knocked on the door. "Oh Doris." He grabbed the doorknob and slowly opened the door. "Guess who decided to drop in my little..." he stopped at the sight in front of him.

"Oh, hello Captain!" George waved as he lay shirtless on the bed, chest down. Doris was dressed in a white nightgown and was kneeling next to him while rubbing his shoulders. "My, you're up late aren't you?"

"WHAT THE HECK IS GOING HERE?!" Darling shouted.

"Be quiet Kevin," Doris shushed him while continuing to rub George's shoulders. "Poor George here couldn't sleep so I offered to give him a back massage."

"She's really quite good at it too sir," George grinned. "Got a load of built up tension out of my system. My back felt like it was tied in knots."

"I'll tie you in a knot!" Darling growled with murder in his eyes.

"GRRRRRR!" Robert the ferret jumped up from behind Darling and landed on his head.

"AAARRRGGGHHH! GET THIS FURBALL OFF ME!" Darling screamed and ran around tried to pry the ferret off his head.

"You could have at least had the courtesy to shut the door," Doris said getting up and closing it. "Now, where were we George?"

"WAAAUUUGGGHHH! MY EYE!" Darling yelled while blindly running around the landing. "YEEEOOOWWW! THAT HURTS! NO DON'T BITE ME! HELP! I GOT RABIES!"

"Look! Robert's caught a monster!" Pierre shouted as he and Baldrick emerged from the bathroom. Baldrick was still dressed in his uniform and was carrying a sponge mop. "Get him!"

"NO YOU IDIOTS! IT'S ME...OW! OW! OW!" Darling cried as Pierre and Baldrick started wailing on him.

"EVIL MONSTER! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!" Baldrick yelled smacking Darling on the back while Robert skillfully avoided being hit.

"GAHHHHHH!" Darling cried as he was chased around and fell down the stairs. "OW! OW! AND I THOUGHT NIGHTS WITH THE GENERAL WERE BAD! OW! OW! OW!"