Let's Go to a Tavern

"Boy that was fun!" Pierre cheered as everyone sat around the kitchen table later that day. "What did you think Squibby?"

"Ohhh," Darling moaned as he slumped in his chair and laid his head on the table.

"I had a jolly good time!" George grinned sitting next to Pierre. "Sure we had a little accident near the end, but everything turned out all right."

"A little accident?!" Darling gave him a look. "Lieutenant, the whole back yard caught on fire! The tool shed went up in smoke and burned to the ground in under ten minutes!"

"Well, yes but it could have happened to anyone," George shrugged.

"Yes, anyone else who keeps a supply of gunpowder and lamp oil from the eighteen hundreds in a tool shed and forgets about it!" Darling snapped. "And then throws a torch into the shed just for fun!"

"I was caught up in the moment," Pierre protested. "I thought it was a runaway train that was coming to squash you where we tied you to the water pump."

"Oh yes, thank you for reminding me of that lovely experience," Darling groaned. "We're just lucky it started to downpour right away otherwise the whole county would have gone up in flames."

"I don't know, I kinda liked being out there in the rain and all," Baldrick said sitting next to Darling covered in mud. "Kinda reminds me of being in the trenches."

"And that's just what I came here for," Darling mocked. "To be reminded of being in the war. That's what every soldier dreams of when he goes on leave. To be reminded of the very place he left to get away from."

"Too bad the top was down on the General's car," Baldrick commented. "The inside is all wet and filled with water. And it flooded the box the wireless was in."

"Thank you Private for that cheery reminder," Darling moaned and hit his head against the table. "The General is going to kill me when I get back."

"Oh now don't you worry about a thing sir," George waved. "I'm sure General Melchett will understand."

"Yes, I'll just tell him we found a beached dolphin along the road and had to flood the car in order to transport it to the sea," Darling rolled his eyes.

"Really?" Pierre's eyebrows shot up. "Neat! I wanna see the dolphin! I wanna see the dolphin!"

"Later Pierre. Much, much later," Darling moaned and buried his head against the table. "Right now I just want to sit and cry at the colossal joke that is my life."

"Aw, come on Squibby," Pierre patted him on the back. "I don't want you to be all sad and gloomy. I know! How about all us guys go into town and find a tavern. It's stopped raining and it's early evening and we can party all night!"

"Pierre, you know how I feel about you going to places like that," Josephine warned him.

"Oh please mama! It's a special occasion! For Squibby, please!" Pierre begged and made a pair of puppy dog eyes.

"Well, alright," Josephine sighed.

"Yay!" Pierre squealed and jumped in his seat. "Come on Squibby, let's go!"

"No! No! No!" Darling shouted raising his head from the table. "There is no way on Earth I'm going to a seedy, unkempt taphouse with you three! I've spent the last twenty four hours having my sanity drained away and I'm not doing it again tonight! We are all staying here and that's final!"

"Thank goodness," Doris sighed and nuzzled up next to George. "The two of us can finally spend some time alone and get to know each other better."

"Come on Lieutenant!" Darling jumped up and dragged George out of his chair. "Let's go hit the tavern!"

"But sir I thought you said..." George began.

"Out! Out! Out!" Darling practically shoved George out the front door. "Come on Pierre, Private! Let's go, go, go!"

"Whoopie!" Pierre cheered as the four men pilled into the General's soggy car and pulled away from the inn. "Tavern here we come!"

"Oh. Bugger," Doris sighed as the car sped out of sight.

Half and hour later the guys were all sitting around a table in a cozy tavern. There was a fair sized crowd and a piano playing in the corner.

"I say, this is fun sir!" George squealed as he bopped his head to the piano tune. "How about we go take in a billiards game or two?"

"Good idea!" Pierre grinned and leaned back in his chair. "Don't worry about a thing tonight. I'm buying so get whatever you want!"

"I already have," Baldrick said chewing on something. "The food here is pretty good."

"What are you eating Private? We haven't been served yet," Darling asked.

"I'm not quite sure sir," Baldrick replied. "I found it stuck to the bottom of the table. It was hard at first but softened up after few good chews."

"Oh geeze," Darling groaned. "Private have you ever heard of indigestion?"

"No sir. But if you whistle a few notes I might recognize it," Baldrick said.

"Ah, here we are," Pierre grinned as a waiter came by and placed a bottle of brandy and four glasses on the table. "Everybody get a glass of the water of life!"

"Oh no you don't!" Darling grabbed the bottle and moved it away from Pierre.

"Come on sir, don't keep it all to yourself," George said.

"Forget it Lieutenant!" Darling snapped pouring himself a glass. "The last thing any of you need is to get drunk and start acting even more foolish and out of control than you usually do. Besides if anyone deserves to have a drink it's me!" He threw back the glass and poured himself another.

"Aw, forget Squibby," Pierre scoffed. "He's just mad because he lost the wheelbarrow race."

"Yeah. I lost two teeth and about three years of my life," Darling spat and took another drink. "If the dumb things hadn't been wrecked I would have lost what was left of my sanity."

"Come on Baldrick," Pierre said getting up. "Let's go play a game of cups and try and find some napkin rings!"

"Yay!" Baldrick cheered and went off with Pierre.

"Oh boy," Darling groaned finishing off his drink. "I think I just found out the real reason Blackadder keeps trying to get out of the trenches. It's to get away from Baldrick!"

"Hey, look at me!" George had taken a nearby empty basket and placed it on his head. "I'm Sherlock Holmes!"

"And the Lieutenant," Darling sighed. "Cut that out!"

"Sorry sir. Won't happen again," George blushed and took off the basket.

"Make sure that it doesn't," Darling grumbled and poured himself another glass of brandy. "My gosh, I feel like a children's nanny. But someone has to keep a clear head around here."

--------------------------------------

Twenty minutes later...

"WAHOOOOOO!" Darling whooped as he danced on top of the table. He had somehow managed to get his hands on a sombrero and had a feather boa draped around his shoulders. "EVERYBODY MAMBO!"

"Snakes alive! I didn't know Captain Darling was such a good dancer," George said as he sat back and watched Darling kick up his heels.

"Hey look! There's Squibby!" Pierre called out as he and Baldrick walked over with their hands full of napkin rings. "Alright! Go Squibby! Go Squibby!"

"DANCE MY PEOPLE DANCE!" Darling laughed maniacally and took a swig from the brandy bottle in his hand. Two other empty bottles sat on the table which he quickly kicked into the crowed. "HAHAHAHAHA! I AM THE FOOTBALL KING!"

SMASH! TINKLE! TINKLE!

"Hey, watch it you drunken English cuckoo!" a patron called out.

"Looks like the Captain is having a good time sir," Baldrick commented to George.

"He certainly is!" George smiled as someone tried to pull Darling off the table only to be kicked in the face. "Boy, and I thought Charlie Chaplin films were wild!"

"It's a long way to Tipperary!" Darling sang drunkenly. "It's a long way to go! It's a long way to Tipperary! And the other words I don't know!"

"Yeah!" Pierre cheered and threw napkin rings everywhere. "Party! Party! Party!"

"Watch me! I can fly! Look out Red Baron, here I come!" Darling giggled and leapt off the table backwards.

CRASH!

"Ah, a party with performance art," George grinned while Darling's unconscious form lay sprawled out on the floor. "Ya gotta love it!"

Note: I do not own the song "It's a Long Way to Tipperary".