Back to the Front
"Ohhh," Darling groaned as he slowly opened his eyes. He was lying in bed with a large bandage on his head. "What happened? Oh my eyes. I must be dying. My head hurts. My stomach hurts. Everything hurts. There is no way I could be in more pain than I am now."
"Good morning sir!" Baldrick said and he George entered the room. Baldrick was still covered with mud from the previous day and was carrying a tray. "The Lieutenant and I have brought you breakfast."
"Of course I could," Darling moaned. "Will you stop talking so loud?"
"How are you feeling today Captain? All good and rested after last night?" George chirped happily.
"More like in agonizing torment on the verge of death," Darling groaned and held a hand to his head. "Does it have to be so bright in here? Where am I anyway?"
"Oh don't worry sir. You're at your aunt's house," George explained. "We brought you back last night after you passed out."
"Passed out?" Darling repeated, his head swimming in pain. "What happened last night? I remember having a glass of brandy then...oh no!"
"Well you put on quite a show for us all," George grinned fondly. "I must admit I never knew you could do that with a candle and a pair of old suspenders."
"Oh geeze," Darling moaned and shut his eyes. "I want to die."
"Here, have some breakfast sir," Baldrick said placing the tray in front of him. "Look, there's some toast and some onion and even a bit of sausage."
"Ugh," Darling groaned. "Just looking at that makes me want to vomit. That is if there's anything left in my stomach to vomit."
"Come on sir," George encouraged. "You'd better eat up. We're leaving right after you finish eating."
"Thank goodness," Darling sighed and took a bite of food. "At least there's one thing I can count on to go right today."
"That's it sir. Always look on the bright side of things," George grinned.
"I'm surprised you were able to find any sausage Private, what with war shortages and all," Darling said as he ate. "Where did you get it?"
"Just made use of the local resources sir," Baldrick replied.
"Hey, has anyone seen Robert?" Pierre was heard calling out. "I thought I saw him in the kitchen."
"GAHHHHHH!" Darling spat out the contents of his month. "OH NO! I'VE BEEN POISONED!"
"Careful there sir," George said as he watched Darling spit out a few more remainders of food. "You eat too fast and you're bound to choke on something."
"Oh my gosh," Darling moaned and put a hand on his stomach. "I'm going to be sick."
"Hey Squibby!" Pierre walked into the room with Robert the ferret perched on his shoulders. "How you doing?"
"What?" Darling blinked at the ferret. "But...if he's...and Baldrick made...then what is..."
"Looks like you're all ready to go," Pierre said. "The car's all set and mama and Doris are waiting to say goodbye."
"That's...that's wonderful," Darling managed to get out. "We'll be down in a few minutes."
"Great," Pierre nodded and turned to leave. "By the way Baldrick, did you take care of that big rat I found in the bathtub?"
"Yes sir. I put it to good use," Baldrick replied proudly.
"AAARRRGGGHHH!" Darling screamed and ran out of the room. "WHERE'S SOME SOAP! I NEED TO WASH MY MOUTH WITH SOAP RIGHT NOW!"
"What's the matter with him?" George blinked confusingly.
"Maybe he's going to say some dirty words and needs to wash them out," Baldrick suggested. "That's what my mum always did when I said dirty words. Though she never did have any soap so she used soap substitute. Good thing we lived near a fish market and got all the used heads."
"AAAHHHHHH! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!" Darling was heard shouting from the bathroom. "IF I EVER NEEDED TO VOMIT THIS IS THE TIME! WAAAUUUGGGHHH!"
A short while later everyone gathered out in front of the house to say goodbye. "Goodbye Kevin," Josephine kissed Darling on the cheeks. "It was so nice having you here."
"Yes. Wonderful," Darling groaned and gave her a hug.
"So long everyone!" George waved. "Goodbye, adieu and bon voyage till next time!"
"Yeah, I had a great time," Baldrick nodded his head. "We should do it again soon."
"Not in this lifetime you won't," Darling hissed under his breath.
"Goodbye Squibby!" Pierre bawled and gave Darling a fierce hug. "I'll miss you!"
"Yes...I know..." Darling gasped and tried to suck in air. "Please...let go..."
"Come on Pierre," Doris gently extracted Darling from Pierre's clutches. "I'm so glad I was able to see you here Kevin. I wish you could have stayed longer."
"So do I," Darling managed a weak smile. "Maybe next time we can meet somewhere alone and catch up on things."
"That would be nice," Doris smiled back. "And if you brought Lieutenant George with you it would be even nicer."
"What?!" Darling yelped.
"Well that sounds like a marvelous idea!" George said cheerfully. "I'd love to accompany the Captain again."
"Good. Here's something to make sure you remember me by," Doris said leaning toward him.
"Sorry, no time!" Darling shouted and dragged George away. "Must be going now! Goodbye!"
"Ta ta everyone!" George waved as Darling stumbled towards the car.
"Kevin, I don't think you should be driving," Josephine said stepping up to him. "You have a nasty bump on the head and I wouldn't want you to have an accident."
"Nonsense, I'm in perfect condition to control an automobile," Darling snapped and steadied himself against the car door. "Just as soon as everything stops spinning."
"Come on Kevin, get in the back," Josephine guided him to the rear of the car.
"But Auntie!" Darling tried to protest. "This is the General's car! If I don't bring it back in good shape then..."
"Kevin!" Josephine glared at him.
"Yes Auntie," Darling gulped and meekly climbed into the back seat.
"Well here we go! Ready for another jolly car ride through the countryside!" George grinned and got in the car. "I can't wait to be off!"
"I can," Darling groaned and sank into the seat. "Wait a minute." He noticed George sitting next to him. "If you're back here then that means..."
"Brace yourselves sirs," Baldrick said sitting in the driver's seat. "Here we go!"
"WHAT?! PRIVATE DON'T YOU DARE GOOOOOOOOOO!" Darling screamed as Baldrick revved the engine and tore away from the house, tearing up dirt as he went.
"Bye Squibby!" Pierre called out sadly after him. "Have a good ride back!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Darling yelled as Baldrick shot down the road.
"Jeepers this is fun!" George whooped with a big smile on his face. "I bet aeroplanes don't go this fast!"
"SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN!" Darling screamed as he and George were slammed back in their seats. "LOOK OUT FOR THE CART!"
"Don't worry sir. I see it!" Baldrick said as he barely missed the horse-drawn cart, spooking the horse and causing it to run off the road.
"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" Darling yelped as the car swerved back and forth, jostling everyone in the car.
"I know where I'm going!" Baldrick called back. "I just don't know how to get there!"
"This is so invigorating!" George chirped happily. "Really gets the blood pumping!"
"More like the complete opposite!" Darling whimpered as the car hit a bump and went sailing through the air. "AAARRRGGGHHH! I'M GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK!"
"Hey, get out of the way!" Baldrick shouted as a couple walking along the road hovered into view.
"YAAAHHHHHH!" the couple shouted as they just barely managed to avoid the car by diving into a muddy ditch.
"Aw, that's not a very nice thing to say," George commented as the couple yelled at them. "And that gesture isn't very kind either."
"Why didn't I bring my revolver?" Darling moaned while clutching the seat so hard his knuckles turned white. "I knew I should have brought my revolver."
"Hold on!" Baldrick warned as he turned a sharp corner.
"SO I COULD SHOOT THE INSANE DRIVER!" Darling screamed as only two wheels touched the road. "PRIVATE HIT THE BRAKE!"
"What brake?" Baldrick said. "I don't see anything broken."
"How about my nerves," Darling's eye twitched like mad. "WATCH IT! WATCH IT!"
CRASH!
"Oops!" Baldrick said as the car veered off the road and smashed through a wooden fence. "Taking a slight detour sir. No problem."
"MOO!"
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Darling shrieked as the car entered a field full of cows. "NOT MORE COWS! ANYTHING BUT MORE COWS!"
"Oh no! Get out of the way!" Baldrick shouted as he weaved in and out between cows.
"I say sir. Looks like one them is following us!" George said looked back.
"What?" Darling gasped. "I can't turn my head! Too much force!"
"There's a very large cow following us," George explained. "He's got a huge set of horns and a ring through his nose."
"LIEUTENANT THAT'S A BULL!" Darling screamed.
"MOO-OOOOOO!"
"Ah. Well toro, toro to you!" George called after it.
"Don't worry sir. I'll make sure he doesn't catch us," Baldrick promised and stepped on the accelerator.
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" Darling yelled as the car sped up even more.
"He's falling back now sir," George said facing front again.
"Probably got a whiff of Baldrick and passed out," Darling moaned. "Gosh I envy him!"
CRASH!
"Sorry about that sir," Baldrick said as they drove through another fence. "It won't happen again...uh oh."
"UH OH?!" Darling yelped. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'UH-OH'...AAARRRGGGHHH!" he screamed as the car sped into an open barn.
SMASH!
"BUCK-AWWWWWW!"
"YAAAHHHHHH!"
POOF!
"HREUHHHHHH!"
WHAM!
DING-A-LING-A-LING!
"WAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!"
CRASH!
The car broke through the back wall of the barn covered in hay and chickens.
"PTEWWWIE!" Darling spat out a mouthful off feathers. "YEOOWWW! GET THESE CHICKENS OFF ME! OW! OW! OW! THOSE CLAWS ARE SHARP! OW! OW! OW!"
"Look, one left me an egg!" Baldrick held it up as Darling threw chickens out of the car. "Whoops!" He lost he grip on it.
SPLAT!
"I can't see!" Baldrick shouted as blindly tried to steer with his face covered with egg.
"AAAHHHHHH!" Darling screamed as they entered a town and shot down streets, scattering people right and left. "PRIVATE GET OFF THE SIDEWALK! LOOK OUT FOR THE LAMPOST! NO DON'T GO DOWN THAT STREET! WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH ROOM! AAARRRGGGHHH!"
SMASH!
"Well there is now," George grinned as the car sped through town.
"I can see again!" Baldrick blinked while randomly turning the wheel. "Don't worry. I'm in full control."
"LOOK OUT FOR THAT STONE WALL!" Darling shrieked.
"Yes sir!" Baldrick made a sharp turn. "See? We missed it."
CRASH!
"And smashed into another building," Baldrick said knocking over some furniture. "Well, this isn't so bad."
"ARE YOU CRAZY?! THIS IS A NUN'S CONVENT!" Darling screamed.
"AAAHHHHHH!" several nuns yelled as they ran for their lives out of the way.
"DEMONS!" one nun shouted and crossed herself.
WHOOSH!
"THEY'RE IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM!" a nun yelled as she hid behind a washtub while clothes flew through the air.
"Ahhh!" George was hit in the face with a flying habit. "Oh goodie! They're giving out free gifts!"
CRASH!
"We're back on the road again," Baldrick reported as they left the convent.
"I'm going to die," Darling moaned. "My life has flashed before my eyes. Twice!"
"Thanks for the costume!" George waved back at the nuns.
"Look, there's a guard post up ahead," Baldrick called out. "We must be nearing headquarters."
"Thank goodness!" Darling groaned. "The sooner I get out of this evil thing the better!"
"HEY! GET BACK YOU! THIS IS A HIGH LEVEL...AAAHHHHHH!" the guards shouted as the car zoomed past the guard post.
"I say, this doesn't look like headquarters," George looked around at the empty field.
BOOM!
"AAAHHHHHH!" Darling screamed as something exploded a short distance from the car. "WHAT WAS THAT?!"
"Maybe we wandered into a minefield," George suggested.
"WHAT?!" Darling yelped.
"Naw, I saw a sign back there," Baldrick waved. "Said you're now entering an art hilly field."
"Well, that's strange," George thought. "Must be a bunch of statues on dirt mounds or something."
"YOU IDIOT! WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ARTILLERY RANGE!" Darling shouted in horror.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Darling screamed as shells exploded all around them.
"This is so exciting!" George squealed as they jumped over a crater. "Just like being in the war!"
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"GET US OUTTA HERE!" Darling shrieked, his face covered in sweat.
"Yes sir," Baldrick turned and zoomed away from more explosions.
SMASH!
"Well, we got of there just fine," George said as they crashed through a barbed wire fence. "See Captain. We're now off the artillery range."
KRUUUMMMMMM!
"And have moved onto a tank range," George finished as several large tanks appeared into view.
KA-BOOOOM!
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Darling went white as Baldrick zoomed around the field avoiding the tanks.
RA-TATATATATATATATATATA!
"I've never been this close to a tank," George said as the car weaved between two tanks, their machine guns blazing.
"Neither have I and I wish I never will again!" Darling whimpered.
KA-BOOOOM! KA-BOOOOM! KA-BOOOOM!
"Hey, look at that one!" Baldrick said turning his head around.
"EYES FRONT PRIVATE!" Darling screamed as they headed straight towards an incoming tank. "WATCH OUT!"
RA-TATATATATATATATATATA!
"Wheeeeee!" George whooped as Baldrick turned away at the last second. "That was marvelous! Incredible! What did you think sir?"
"I think I'm going into shock!" Darling moaned. "I can't feel my arms! I can't feel my pulse! I'm turning blue!"
KA-BOOOOM! KA-BOOOOM! KA-BOOOOM!
"Hey, I bet ya five quid we can get clear of that tank before it squashes us," Baldrick said.
"I'll take that bet," George grinned. "Hit it!"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Darling almost fainted as Baldrick gunned the engine, shot in front of the tank and zoomed past it right before it ran them over.
"Nuts!" George snapped his fingers. "I wish I'd won that bet."
"ARE YOU INSANE?!" Darling screamed at him. "WHAT AM I SAYING?! OF COURSE YOU'RE INSANE! BOTH OF YOU ARE INSANE! AND IF THIS RIDE LASTS ANY LONGER I'LL GO INSANE!"
CRASH!
"Boy, I'd hate to think what all this crashing through things is doing to the paint job," George said as they ran through another barbed wire fence.
"You don't think period!" Darling yelped as they leapt over a small rise and hit the road once more.
HONK! HONK!
"Hey, where'd all these cars come from?" Baldrick asked as he swerved around the crowded road causing several cars to crash into each other.
"AAAHHHHHH!" several British infantry squads dived out of the way and climbed up nearby trees.
SMASH!
"Look, we're here!" George pointed as the car ran through the iron gates surrounding headquarters.
"Where should I park sir?" Baldrick asked speeding by the front entrance.
"Try the hospital," Darling moaned. "Or the cemetery. Either works for me!"
CRUNNNCCHHH!
The car ran into a large ditch. George and Darling were sent flying out the back while Baldrick went head-first through the windshield.
SMASH!
WHAM! WHAM!
THUD!
"Yippee! Now that was a wonderfully fun time!" George grinned while lying on some grass. "And look. I got a new set of clothes!"
"Ohhh," Darling blinked as he lay sprawled out on the ground. "Ooo, the light. Bright light. I hear something. Is that you grandma? Have you come to take me to be with you and the angels?"
"Everything alright sir?" Baldrick asked climbing out of the ditch with the car's steering wheel around his head.
"Look at me!" George smiled as he put on the nun's habit over his uniform. "What do you think? Looks good on me, eh?"
"Where am I?" Darling groaned and painfully rolled over. "Land? LAND!" He yelped and hugged the ground. "Beautiful, beautiful land! Never again will I leave you!" He started kissing it.
"Come on sir. We have to go report to the General," George said. "At least we made good time."
"Oh course we did! We went and broke the sound barrier!" Darling snapped as he slowly got to his feet. "I should call that German scientist Albert Einstein. If he wants to test his theory of relativity all he has to do is take a car ride with Baldrick!"
"I don't know sir. My mum might not like me riding with a German," Baldrick commented.
"Oh geeze!" Darling groaned and wobbled towards the headquarters entrance. "I actually feel sorry for Blackadder. If he has to put up with you two all the time no wonder he's such a jerk!"
Darling stumbled through the building until he came to General Melchett's office and practically fell into the room.
"Darling! You're a mess!" Melchett exclaimed while sitting behind his desk with bandages on his legs and head. Blackadder stood next to him with his arm in a cast.
"Well, we had some slight car trouble sir," Darling said carefully right before George and Baldrick entered the room.
"I see we're not the only ones who had a fun weekend," Blackadder said looking at their appearances. "Baldrick, nice to see you've added some more mud to your collection. George...never mind. What happened to you?"
"Don't ask. Please. I never want to talk about it again," Darling groaned and looked at Blackadder's arm. "Bat attack?"
"Yup," Blackadder confirmed. "Well if you don't mind, I'll just take the terrible twosome here back with me. All right you two, go wait outside!" George and Baldrick left.
"So you're back to the trenches, eh Blackadder?" Melchett asked.
"Yes sir," Blackadder turned and left muttering to himself. "It's safer."
"Glad to see you again Darling," Melchett said folding his hands in front of him. "All rested are we?"
"Not...quite sir," Darling said slowly.
"Good, good," Melchett nodded. "I need your help for a special assignment. I seem to have misplaced my wireless and I want you to find it!"
Darling looked at him for a full minute. "I...I understand sir. I'll get on it right away." He turned to leave.
"Splendid!" Melchett grinned. "I'll be leaving for a meeting with General Haig in five minutes so tell my driver to get my car ready on your way out."
"Yes sir," Darling quietly left the room, closed the doors and let out a bloodcurdling scream. "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He began to violently pound his head against the wall. "WHY DO THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?! WHY? WHY? WHY?"
And so the dreaded weekend ends,
With scars both physical and mental!
For now insanity descends,
Unless there comes another sequel!
Blackadder, Blackadder,
May be under a curse!
Blackadder, Blackadder,
Things are bound to get worse!
Poor Darling, poor Darling,
Your leave time was a flop!
Poor Darling, poor Darling,
Madness will never stop!