Title: Step toward disaster

Fandom: Sanctuary

Characters: Henry Foss, Will Zimmerman, Ashley Magnus

Rating: M, for explicit allusions to nummy, sexy acts that we shan't mention outright. A few instances of profanity and other strong or suggestive language.

Summary: Missing scenes set immediately before and during the sequence of events depicted in Episode 11: Instinct. New beginnings follows my previous series in the same verse: One door closes.

Warnings: Some SPOILERS for Episode 11: Instinct. You have been warned.

This story is quite clearly Henry/Will slash, and happily so. If you're afraid of, or otherwise offended by, SLASH then; might I advise you to RUN, not walk, away as fast as your little underage, or otherwise insecure/bigoted legs can carry you? Thanks. That will be all. What? You're still here? Oh. Well, then. Have at it, if you will.

Notes: There's a lot of Will P.O.V. in this one. Guess it was his turn. Some of the dialogue in the series will be taken directly from the episode's script. If you've watched it, you'll know exactly where it ends and my own begins. Subtext added by the author's fiery imagination for all things slash.

Complete phrases or sentences in italics represent character thoughts. Single words italicized for emphasis. Title inspired by this quote:

Much as we may wish to make a new beginning, some part of us resists doing so

as though we were making the first step toward disaster. ~ William Bridges

Will followed Henry out of the meeting room, coffee in hand. He caught up with him nearing the elevator.

"Hi, Henry. Listen, we," Will softly started to say.

"Sorry, no time to chat," Henry said curtly. "Gotta double check all my gear before the mission." He was humming with excitement about his first field mission, and Will was not going to ruin his good mood. He had been cranky and hurting long enough.

Will insisted. "I know that. It's just that, we're going out there to face God knows what, and I wanted to tell you again how sorry I am for..."

Henry interrupted again. "Not now, Will."

"Then, when?" Will pleaded. "Please, Henry. I miss my friend. I miss you."

"I ate too much," Henry said, deflecting. "I think I'll take the stairs," he added. He then promptly fled further down the hallway and down the stairs before Will could say anything else.

Will was left standing in front of the elevator. He heaved a deep sigh. He was still standing there when Ashley caught up with him.

"Harsh," she said simply, patting his shoulder as she walked past him. She pressed the elevator button and the doors opened right up. Ashley stepped inside.

"You coming?" she asked Will, feeling a smidgen of pity for him. She was pretty in the loop regarding Henry's side of the story, and even though she had been wanting to punch Will on the nose, she could see he truly regretted what he had done.

"N-Nah, it's okay. Go ahead," Will hurriedly replied after a pause.

Ashley stopped the elevator doors from closing with one hand. "Will? Is your head gonna be in the game?" she asked, not without concern. She didn't hate Will. In fact, she liked him, despite the fact that he was a complete and utter man and an idiot who'd broken her best friend's heart. She hated seeing her playful and cuddly friend acting so cold and hard. Henry was really hurting, though. She knew because for all his bravado, Bigfoot had been hovering over him more than usual these last few days, petting him a lot.

Will's face shuttered closed. "I'll be fine. Thanks. I'm just a bit distracted, is all," he said. He lamely gestured with his cup. "Coffee should help."

"Dude," Ashley replied in a tone that told him she wasn't buying it. "Talk to him."

For a whole second, Will was shocked that Ashley knew what was going on. Then he felt foolish as he realized he shouldn't be. He had to be fooling himself if he for a moment thought that everyone in the Sanctuary didn't already know about them. He shrugged his shoulders sadly. "He won't let me."

Ashley made a tutting sound. "Man up. Figure it out."

Will felt the color rise to his cheeks at the not so gentle rebuke. He gave his noncommittal half-smile as the doors closed and Ashley disappeared from view. He counted to fifty in order to avoid smashing his coffee cup against the nearest wall, and then headed off in the direction of the kitchen.

He had a bad feeling about today's mission. It was something he couldn't quite put his finger on. He simply knew, somehow, that every step he took today led toward certain disaster.

The mission had been harrowing. In Will's short stint as a Sanctuary operative he had not yet seen such an overwhelming body count as this. He literally could not remember how many innocent people had been killed by the insect creatures before they finally put down the one they didn't capture. All those dock workers, the police, and that poor kid with the camera, Zack, were dead. Every time he tried to tally a final count of the day's deaths his hands started shaking, so he eventually gave up trying. He felt especially guilty about the young cameraman. Will remembered being quite short with him a few times. The worst part was that it hadn't been the boy's fault that Will was so cross. It had been her, Amy Saunders. The name alone made Will's stomach churn.

Amy was, in Will's mind, a horrible shrew at best. One who bullied and manipulated everyone and everything around her on the off chance that her nonexistent career could benefit from any newsworthy material she could latch her clinging talons onto. And that had merely been his impression on a professional level. The way she had wasted no opportunity to shake her ass at Henry while in the middle of a life and death situation made Will wish with all his heart that the insect creature had murdered her instead of Zack. He could barely muster enough shame to feel bad for thinking so.

That stupid, hateful cow, making googly eyes at Henry like he's stupid and doesn't know what time it is... Will's jaw clenched every time he thought of the woman. To be fair, his reaction had a lot more to do with the way Henry responded to her than any of her actions. She was shameless, and Henry was basking in the attention the whole time. Bastard. That bitch almost got us all killed more than once. She got Zack killed, for God's sake! And everybody was still going out of their way to be civil to her?

From the start Will had felt an intense dislike for Amy, to see Henry gushing over her so-called show. She's the fucking weather girl, for Pete's sake. That's not a show, it's the frigging weather, Will remembered thinking. He had literally stalked over to the two of them when Henry wouldn't shut up about this supposed Awesome Amy. Awesome Amy? What kind of stupid-ass, ridiculous name is that, anyway?

Will had not realized what he was doing until he saw Henry literally flinch away from him and become tongue tied. He would never forget the look on the woman's face when Will deadpanned 'You're a... weather girl?' at her and walked away after a brief annoyed glare. But would she take a hint? Noooo.

It had been very embarrassing to realize that, because his conscious mind was distracted by the dangerous task at hand, he had been on the verge of telling a stranger to back off in no uncertain terms. He had acted like a bully, his body language threatening a woman for moving in on his ex. It was a small blessing everyone else had been too focused on the killer creature on the loose to notice. Although he was sure Henry had noticed, since he seemed to have taken it as encouragement to flirt back at Amy at every turn.

Will had done everything short of throttling her to get her to back off, but it was no use. He'd had much bigger worries at the time, in any case, such as keeping himself and the others safe.

If there had been any remaining doubt in his mind that Ashley knew exactly what had been going on between him and Henry, it had fully disappeared in that warehouse. Will had totally given himself away mere minutes after that first incident. He'd been jotting down the angles for a plan of action with Helen and Ashley when he'd caught sight of the shrew at work once more. Her tits had quite literally been right up in Henry's face.

From where Will had stood, he'd been able to see Henry's chosen worktable clearly across the way. Will had then noticed Zack was filming the impromptu performance unfolding right before their eyes. He had not been able to discern any words at that distance, but he'd had had no trouble seeing Amy systematically invade Henry's personal space, nor a flustered Henry almost fall off his chair in an attempt to avoid rubbing his arm all over Amy's impertinent chest. The way she insisted on throwing herself at Henry was pathetic, not to mention infuriating, Will had thought.

Will had seen red, and the next thing he knew Helen was calling his name. The sheet of paper he had been writing on appeared torn and crumpled in his white-knuckled fists. Will had momentarily considered jumping over the table, running across the way and actually beating the woman off Henry. Had Ashley not run ahead of him with the excuse of grabbing some ammo, Will might have embarrassed himself. Bless Ashley for doing what I didn't dare, Will thought. The blonde Magnus had prowled dangerously over to Henry's table and faced off to Amy, who had merely acted like nothing was happening. At least she did back off after that, and Henry fled the scene soon after. Will had to thank Ashley for it someday.

He had given Helen some lame excuse for his extreme distraction that she had likely seen right through. Will had then fantasized extensively about Amy falling in the wake of friendly fire.

Just a little after that, when the lights had gone out, Will had been forced to comfort the woman, to keep her from going into shock. He would as soon have shot her than tell her everything was going to be okay, but if she had frozen there, someone else might have gotten hurt trying to protect her. He had a sinking feeling that someone could have easily been Henry. The thought sent a chill through his guts.

If she'd gotten Henry hurt, I'd be in jail right now, because I would have killed her with my own two hands. God help me, I've never wanted to murder anyone.

This visceral reaction to a woman he barely knew worried Will deeply. He had always prided himself on his equanimity, and his sense of fairness. Was he being fair to Amy as a fellow human being? Or was he being no better than a beast, reacting on pure, raw instinct to the perceived threat of the loss of his estranged mate? He knew the answers to those questions, and he was none too happy about them.

Will had never felt so territorial about anyone in his life. All the signs seemed to point in the same direction. Disaster. Wanting someone so much was a distraction that could easily get him killed. Wanting someone so much was something he had always derided in others, and had often haughtily equated with a manner of mental illness. So then, it followed that Will had now joined the ranks of the insane. The whole bit about him being crazy about Henry was taking a rather sinister turn, he thought humorlessly.

It had gotten to be unbearable at one point, what with Will's nerves frazzled, another man having just died, and they all realizing the insect creature was poisonous. And still Amy had been flirting with Henry, at a time like that. Will had looked over his shoulder at them, and barely contained himself. He would have punched the woman in the face out of rage and frustration had he not realized that the camera was pointed right at him. He had been just about to say something ugly, but he had also censored himself for the camera's sake. It was humiliating to see the look on his own face on screen while they were examining the video footage after the fact. Will tensed up when he thought he looked just then like he was about to cry. He didn't remember that at all.

But it was all over at long last. They were home now, and safe. No more death, and no more Amy. Will sat alone, uselessly doing breathing exercises to calm himself while a Henry shaped hole in his heart made his whole body ache.

The worst part, Will figured hours later, was how much he missed Henry. After a hard mission like this, Henry was always his go-to guy when he needed to talk things over, or simply to sit and be silent with. Henry had always been excellent at both, even before they became lovers. Now he had no one. Helen was wonderful, and she had over a century of experience listening to people talk about their problems, but she was his boss. Regardless of their growing friendship, and the trust between them, Will felt he had to leave some space there. There had to be a buffer between Will's darkest thoughts, his moments of greatest insecurity and doubt, and the person who needed to trust him to be able to deal with all the challenges of the job. He couldn't, in good conscience, burden Helen with that part of his psyche, for fear that they might both begin to second guess themselves in their professional relationship. That would not do.

Having that figured out did not help Will any. It still left him with no one he trusted enough to let it all hang out with.

Will was tempted to pester Henry once more. He figured the man had to be going through the same post mission stress that he was. Without giving it much thought, he found himself putting on his shoes and a shirt. He walked over to Henry's room, feeling like the butterflies in his stomach had gone on a cocaine binge. He stood in front of Henry's door for a long while until he gathered the nerve to knock.

There was no answer.

After a nerve wrecking thirty seconds, he knocked again. "Henry?" he called softly. "Please open the door. I really need to talk to you."

Will wrapped his hand around the door handle while he waited, out of sheer nervous reflex. "Henry?" he said again, his face closer to the door. He tentatively turned the handle. The door was open. He held his breath and opened the door, hoping for the best and expecting Henry to tell him to go to hell, or worse. He fully expected a wolf man to drag him into the darkened room and tear him to pieces, but he didn't care. He needed to see Henry. It was a need that he was having a hard time confessing even to himself, but he could deny it no more. Ever since he'd pushed Henry away, he had become obsessed with the man. He hated that about himself, but he couldn't undo it now. He had to try to make things work with Henry if at all possible, or else he knew he would have a long process of heartbreak and self-recrimination to look forward to.

"I'm sorry to bother you," he called uncertainly into the room.

The only thing worse Will could think of would have been to find Amy Saunders there in Henry's room. What he found was the next worse thing, which was nothing. Henry wasn't home. It was past midnight and Henry wasn't home. Which meant Will was now inevitably going to imagine all manner of sordid scenarios to explain to himself why that was.

Don't be stupid, Will Zimmerman. He's probably working late, or he had late night munchies, or something. Yeah, that's it. He's probably hanging with Bigfoot in the kitchen, having tea and scones.

Clinging to that fervent hope, Will looked around the room. His heart sank when he saw Henry's trusty tablet interface sitting on a corner of the bed. Henry didn't go anywhere without it. Will walked over to it and retrieved the stylus to stop the screen saver. He entered Henry's password, and was minutely relieved that he hadn't changed it. From there, he had learned how to access the Sanctuary security matrix remotely from Henry himself. He did so, and obsessively checked camera after camera twice.

Henry wasn't home. He wasn't in the kitchen, or in any of the labs. Magnus was still up, working. In fact they were all up. Ashley was working out, and Bigfoot was reading in the main library. But of Henry there was no trace. That could only mean one thing, Will's mind helpfully provided, given that virtually the whole of Henry's social circle was in the Sanctuary tonight.

"God," Will muttered to himself. "He did it. He's with that bitch." The therapist in Will asked, 'and how does that make you feel?' Will didn't realize his cheeks were damp until his vision blurred and he went to rub his eyes.

What's this, now? I don't cry. I never fucking cry, unless someone dies. What have you done to me, Henry? And where the hell are you? Will was massively disappointed with himself. But he was even more so when he found himself flirting with the idea of calling Henry's cell phone.

It was a losing battle. Will focused on his breath as he hit speed-dial and said Henry's name. He was proud of how neutral and steady his voice sounded as he left a message. It figured that he would get voice mail.

"Henry, it's Will. I, uh, apologize for hounding you, but we need to talk. Also, I went by your room and you didn't answer... M-Maybe you're asleep already," he lied, but he could hardly tell Henry he was calling from his room. That might cross the line into the stalkerish realm. "Anyway, I don't wanna say these things over the phone, but I will, if I can't get to you tomorrow during the day. Please, call me. I doubt I'll catch any sleep tonight, after everything we saw today. You did good out there, but I'm sorry you had to see all that. It was a rough run for a first field mission. I... Look, I... needed my friend tonight. I hope we're at least still friends. Uh... anyway... call me."

Yeah. That wasn't pathetic at all. Will literally groaned at himself after hanging up. He set down the tablet the way he had found it and went back to his room. He considered having some tea, but he didn't really want to face anyone. He kept seeing Amy, with her tits up in Henry's face, and he let a dark misery bite deep into his soul. It wasn't something Will often indulged in, if ever. He couldn't help but think that with Henry being such a good lover, he had no doubt that once Amy got a taste she would definitely be coming back for more.

Suddenly, Will couldn't breathe. He had to stop and lean against a wall until his lungs loosened enough to draw breath again.

Calm down, Will. Calm down. You're just having an anxiety attack. There's a perfectly rational explanation for this.

Slowly, Will was able to get control of his breathing once more, but there was an ache in his chest that felt like it was physical, and he felt like he might vomit. He tried to come up with a rational explanation for the phenomenon, but when he thought about what it was that got him so upset in the first place, he nearly lost it again. Thinking of Henry with Amy literally made bile rise to his throat.

One word kept popping up randomly in his head. Lovesick. This is what it's like to be lovesick? I thought this type of thing was all... bad poetry. Made up. But, my God, the ache is real. Whatever it is, I hate it. It's true, I'm obsessed with a man. This can't be happening to me.

Had Will been a praying man, he would have prayed at that moment for Henry to be with anyone but Amy Saunders. He did not pray, but still he wished for it fervently. It was par for the course that Will would finally figure out his feelings for Henry when it was too late to do anything about it. Much too late, now that Henry had a fanboy fantasy come to life to help him get over Will.

TBC