A/N: I have no rights or affiliation with the characters presented within this piece
The Ripple Effect
Chapter 2: Searching
Sunlight was streaming in through the windows. Jason blearily opened his eyes, his head was throbbing, his face ached and his tongue felt thick and fuzzy. He frowned as he looked over at the clock on the nightstand-10 a.m., he couldn't remember the last time he had slept this late.
"Slept," he thought, groaning as he rolled over on his back, "more like a coma!"
He ran his hands through his hair as he tried to reconstruct what had happened the previous night. He had gone to Jake's, he remembered that and he recalled drinking more than was wise. Jason always watched his alcohol intake, he hated to lose control, but not last night…
"Oh, shit," he grunted as memories started surfacing.
He looked down at his knuckles, they were scraped and bruised. He had deliberately gotten into that biker's face about his-what?-oh, yeah his diamond earring. He had goaded him into a fight and he had definitely bitten off more than he could chew, the guy had been huge. He could still feel the impact of his fists on his face and the cuts that the ring he was wearing had opened up on his cheeks and jaw. Jason had wanted to keep going but the guy had turned away from him as he lay sprawled on the floor spouting invective at him.
"You're drunk, go somewhere and sober up," had been his contemptuous dismissal.
So, Jason had come back to the penthouse and then what? He rubbed his eyes wearily trying to recollect. "Oh, no!" he froze as he realized what had happened when he had arrived home. "Spinelli," he muttered to himself, remembering everything now.
He had actually thrown a lethal weapon at his roommate's head while he was drunk! He could have killed him. More memories came flooding back-the pathetic little tipsy tree and Jason making fun of it and then kicking it-the fire and the broken ornaments. There was something about the ornaments and Spinelli's mother-what? He closed his eyes in shame as he remembered, he had said they were the only things left of his mother's and Jason had broken every one.
How the hell was he going to fix this? How could he ever make it up to the kid, to get him to trust him again? Spinelli had cuts on his hands from the glass and he wouldn't let Jason help him or even touch him. He had said things that showed how destroyed he was by it all and Jason hadn't manage to come up with one thing to say to make it right, to let him know how beyond sorry he was… No, he had left and Jason had let him, deciding that he had enough problems of his own, that mending their relationship could wait until Jason felt like dealing with it.
He sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed and immediately regretted it. His head hurt worse than it had a moment ago and the room swam around him in an alarming fashion. He couldn't remember the last time he had been this hung-over. As much as he wanted to see Spinelli, to set things right between them, he knew he needed to get on a more even keel first.
Groaning he fought the desire to lie back down again and instead forced himself to stand upright. He had to combat the urge to throw up and he grabbed the wall as a wave of dizziness over took him. Stumbling across the room he made it to the bathroom where he promptly vomited into the toilet. He turned the shower on, cold water only, and steeled himself to step into the icy needles. His head cleared up immediately under the chilly assault. After a few moments, he switched to a steaming hot temperature and began to twist and turn under the hot water in order to work the kinks out of his muscles. Looking down, he saw that he was black and blue from the fight and the cuts on his face stung under the flow of water.
Stepping out of the shower, he carefully shaved the parts of his face that weren't injured. After he was dressed, he stepped into the hall and hesitated as he looked at the closed door to Spinelli's room.
"Should I try to talk to him now?" He wondered to himself. "No," he decided, putting off the awkward encounter a little longer. "I'll get something to eat and some coffee first and then we'll talk. Everything will be just fine." He was now speaking aloud, trying to convince himself that he wasn't just avoiding an unpleasant task. His voice failed to penetrate the heavy silence that pervaded the penthouse.
Jason reached the bottom of the stairs and stopped stunned. The living room was immaculate. It looked as it always did. There was no partially burnt tree, no scattered evergreen boughs, no crushed ornaments and most of all, there was no knife protruding from the wall.
"Spinelli must have gotten up early this morning and cleaned everything up," he thought shaking his head in amazement at the unexpected efficiency of the young man. "Really," he thought uneasily, "it's too perfect."
The room was pristine-the carpet unmarked by either scorch marks or resin. The topper was the wall where the knife had been impaled. Jason walked over to where he was sure he had thrown it and ran his hand over the surface. It was smooth, there wasn't a gouge or a difference in the plaster-nothing to indicate any damage.
"Maybe I thought it all looked worse than it was," he pondered as he looked around the tranquil room that showed no signs of the previous night's demolition. "If that's true," Jason realized, "if it wasn't even that messed up then that makes my reaction even more unforgivable." He was suddenly consumed with guilt underlain with anger at himself for being so cruel to his sensitive roommate who had really done nothing except try to bring a little Christmas cheer into their barren home.
Jason started towards the kitchen still thinking, "Today's Christmas Eve, maybe I can make it up to Spinelli-get a tree, some presents, some food from the Metro Court." He really liked the idea, if he couldn't spend the holiday with Jake and Elizabeth then he ought to spend it with his other family-with Spinelli. He turned on the coffee maker and began cooking some eggs and bacon.
On an impulse, he turned to the drawer where Emily's knives were kept. When he pulled it open he saw all the knives were present and accounted for in their individual sheaths-even the chef's knife. Jason pulled it out and looked at the blade, it was perfect-there wasn't a nick on it, the blade looked as sharp as ever and, as far as he could tell by holding it, the knife was balanced.
He bit his lip in puzzlement, something was off but what exactly was unclear. He decided that as soon as he was done eating he was going to find Spinelli and get to the bottom of everything including how he had managed to clean up last night's mess without leaving any indication of the damage done behind.
"If only," he thought to himself sighing, "This miraculous clean-up could extend to the ornaments I destroyed." Jason would give anything if he could go back in time and restore those precious mementos and somehow remove that shattered look from Spinelli's face. He knew though that all they could do was move forward and he hoped that somehow Spinelli could forgive him…
His ruminations were interrupted by someone knocking on the door. Leaving his half eaten breakfast, he went to answer it after checking the peephole. "Carly," he said surprised, "What are you doing here?"
"What happened to your face?" Carly responded as she reached up to touch one of the cuts. "Did you get into a fight last night Jason?" Her tone was tender and sad and she looked at him with compassion.
"I'm fine," he replied, tilting his head away from her touch. "It was just a stupid brawl at Jake's. It was my fault. I started it and got what I deserved."
"Jason," the single word was laced with compassion and tears filled her eyes as she looked at him. "Fighting isn't going to make it better but I get it, I really do. I wanted to hit things and scream at people for a long time after Michael…"
Jason realized that it hadn't even been a year since Michael had been shot and had lapsed into a coma. This was Carly's and Morgan's first Christmas without him. Again he felt like a jerk, someone else important to him was in pain and he was so full of self pity he hadn't even noticed.
"It must be hard," he began awkwardly, not sure what words could possibly console her in this situation. "I miss him too-Michael. He loved Christmas."
"Yeah, he did," she acknowledged with a twisted half smile. "Morgan and I decorated the tree and we put all his favorite ornaments on, just as he would have if he were here. I'm going up to visit him the day after tomorrow. It's not like he knows it's Christmas. So, I thought I would spend the day with Morgan and Jax says he'll come because Morgan loves him so much and Sonny can't be there…"
Suddenly, Carly stopped rattling on and stared at Jason with her hand across her mouth, her eyes looked at him and he could see pity in them. "I'm sorry Jason, really I am. I'm supposed to be here for you today and all I can do is talk about my problems. Sometimes I'm such a bitch!"
He had no idea what she was talking about but that was a common occurrence with Carly. "Don't apologize, Carly, I know this is going to be a hard Christmas for you and Morgan. If talking about it helps then it isn't a problem."
Carly narrowed her eyes at his statement and looked confused. She started to say something and then stopped as though she had changed her mind. She gestured at his clothes, "Shouldn't you go get dressed the service is in forty-five minutes."
Jason was baffled, what was she talking about-what service? His bemusement must have shown in his expression because Carly started talking again. "I know they said you shouldn't come but who the hell do they think they are-Lucky and the Spencers aren't their family-you are. You show up Jason and you hold your head high. I'll be right there beside you to support you the whole time. They'll have to get through me if they want to say anything to you."
Her eyes were flashing with a familiar battle light that Jason had seen countless times right before Carly got herself into some situation that ended with her being embarrassed or worse yet needing to be rescued. Jason wasn't up to one of Carly's dramas today, he needed to find Spinelli and set things right. He didn't have any idea what she was talking about but he wasn't interested in finding out either.
"Carly," he said a well-known feeling of impatience entwined with exasperation rising in him. "I don't have time for this today. You go ahead and go to whatever service you're talking about and you'll have to deal with the Spencers on your own. I need to go find Spinelli, something happened last night and…"
"Jason," she spoke more sharply than she intended but he was beginning to worry her. "Don't you remember? Did you hit your head last night?" Concerned, she again reached for his head, "Do you have a bump, a concussion, should we get you checked out?"
"Carly," he brushed her hand away, he was started to get irritated. "I'm fine. I just need to find Spinelli."
"Spinelli?" she asked, "Who's Spinelli?"
Jason looked at her astonished, was she kidding? She thought he was acting strangely; she should look in the mirror. "Carly," his temper was hanging by a thin thread, "Stop kidding around. I'm serious, you do what you need to but I'm not going with you."
"You have to Jason," she was insistent, "I know it's the last thing you want to do but you have to. If you don't go, if you don't say goodbye then you'll never have any closure and you won't be able to move forward."
"I don't need closure, Carly. I'm fine and I'm trying to move forward that's why I have to talk to Spinelli, tell him some things…well, it's personal."
"Spinelli again! Who the hell is he?" She was so frustrated and beginning to be scared. Jason had never acted anything like this in all the years she had known him.
"Stop it, Carly! It's not funny. He has enough esteem issues as it is. If he were here right now and heard you pretending to not know who he was, it would crush him." Jason was beginning to be furious with her. He wanted her to leave in case Spinelli came back and heard her talking like this for whatever warped, unintelligible Carly reason.
"Jason," Carly was determined to get through to him and she wasn't going to be sidetracked by a stupid argument about some person that Jason seemed to think she knew when she was sure she didn't. "You need to go get dressed and come with me to Jake and Elizabeth's memorial service. Anything else can wait."
Jason felt his legs turn to rubber as he looked at Carly's lips and tried to comprehend what he had heard her say through the roaring in his ears. "What…what did you just say?" He felt dizzy again and she reached for him trying to stabilize him. He pulled away from her grasp. "Say that again," he commanded her.
"We have to go to Elizabeth and Jake's memorial service," she said in a tiny, miserable voice that was nothing like her usual confident tone.
"Who the hell do you think you are?" He hissed the words at her, unable to understand why this woman who he had thought of as his friend for so many years would decide to torture him like this and on Christmas Eve of all days.
"Jason," she was reaching towards him, her voice pleading. "I'm so sorry. I wish it weren't true. Really, I do. I know what it's like to lose a child…" Tears were streaming disregarded down her cheeks as she tried to hold him, to comfort him.
"Let go of me," he was rigid, unyielding. He stepped away from her attempts to embrace him. If she kept trying he knew he might strike her. "Jake and Elizabeth are fine. It's Christmas Eve and tonight they'll go to the children's party at the hospital and tomorrow they'll open gifts and spend the day with family and friends." He wouldn't be a part of any of that but that was all right because they were safe and happy and that's all that mattered.
"No, Jason," she was shaking her head. "That's not true. I wish it was but it's not." Her heart was breaking for him but she had to make him accept reality.
Carly didn't understand what had happened to him, why he was suddenly refusing to believe what he had known before. She had heard how he was when he had received the news. He had gone to the morgue where Lucky had tried to block him, to prevent him from seeing his own son. Jason had grabbed Lucky and twisted his arm up behind his back growling in his ear, "I'll snap it like a twig!" Then he had shoved him away and gone into the cold, sterile room where the morgue attendant had taken one look at his empty eyes and left him alone with his dead family. So, Carly knew that he knew and that this must be some sort of denial, some type of post traumatic stress thing.
She attempted to prod his memory, to get him to admit what he had seen. "Jake was taken by the Russians," she began.
"Yes," he said forcefully, "Sam and I rescued him. We brought him back to Elizabeth."
It was worse than she had thought. He had constructed an alternate reality, a fantasy. "You were in jail, you couldn't go after him."
"I was in jail but Spinelli managed to get me released by involving Interpol. That's when Sam and I teamed up to rescue Jake." He was adamant, unshakeable in his version of events.
"No, Jason," her voice was cracking, this was so difficult, "You didn't get out until after it was all over. Diane Miller managed to get you out on bail but by then…"
He looked at her, she wasn't playing a joke. She really believed everything she was saying. That meant one of them was delusional and it wasn't him, he remembered everything clearly. "There was an explosion, it was my fault but Sam managed to get Jake out and he was fine."
"There was an explosion," at last something they could agree on. "The Russians had taken Jake to a roadhouse on the outskirts of town. Everyone was looking for him-Sonny, Sam, Lucky. The Russians had explosives stored in the building and they detonated them accidentally. They blew themselves up," she gulped, "…and Jake."
"No!" he said it ferociously, "That wasn't what happened!"
"Yes, Jason. Yes, it is." Carly's voice was full of compassion. "They couldn't save him and then Elizabeth…" God, she never thought when she woke up on this horrible day that it could get any worse but it had. She had to finish, make him remember. "When Elizabeth heard, she left Cameron with Lucky and Sam. Then she went home and she took an overdose of sleeping pills. They didn't find her until the next day and it was too late."
She couldn't help herself, she had never liked Elizabeth Weber. "She didn't think about Cameron at all, she was selfish, she left him without a mother."
"Don't you talk about her like that! Don't you dare! You have no right… You always treated her like dirt and you can't stop now that she's dead." He stopped, horrified. He had said the word-dead. Somehow Carly's story had penetrated his defenses had convinced him to accept what she was saying. He glared at her suddenly sick of the sight of her and her condemnation of Elizabeth. He grabbed her arm and started dragging her towards the door. "I want you to leave right now."
"Jason," she couldn't believe this was happening, Jason was kicking her out, he was enraged at her. "I'm sorry about what I said about Elizabeth. That wasn't right."
He had opened the door and she was incapable of resisting his brutal strength as he thrust her through the opening. "Don't ever say her name again. Stay away from me!" He slammed the door in her incredulous face.
"Jason!" She was frantically pounding on the door, "Let me in. You don't mean it, you're upset. Let me help you get through this."
He opened the door and she stepped back inexplicably frightened by his expressionless face. "We're through, Carly, done. Don't ever come back here again." He wasn't yelling this time, he was ice cold and she understood that he meant every word he was saying.
She had lost her rock, her best friend and all because she had told him the truth, had tried to help him. She straightened her shoulders and brushed at her wet eyes. "Fine, Jason, I won't. You're all alone now. Think about why that is."
She turned and without a backward glance walked towards the elevators. She flinched as she heard the door slam behind her but she managed to keep her composure until she was safely within the elevator car. Then Carly hit the emergency stop button and crumpled to the floor weeping. "I've lost him, I've lost Sonny, I've lost Michael, I've lost Jax."
The emptiness swept over her and she rocked in desolation. Finally, she remembered the one person she hadn't lost-Morgan. She grabbed the railing and pulling herself up, restarting the elevator. It was Christmas Eve and she was going home to spend it with her son and that was going to be enough for her, it had to be.
Jason didn't know how long he had stood by the door after kicking Carly out, it might have been minutes or hours-he couldn't tell. "Elizabeth and Jake…" his chest constricted with such pain he thought he might be having a heart attack. "Carly had to be making it up or wrong or something. Sam put Jake in Elizabeth's arms, I saw her do it! She seemed so positive. She was going to take him to their memorial service-their memorial service for God's sake! No one, not Carly not anyone, could make something like that up, could be that cruel…"
Suddenly Jason knew what he had to do, he had to find Spinelli. Everything would be all right if he could just talk to him. He would calm Jason down and assure him that "Yes, Stone Cold had been in time and he and fair Samantha had rescued Jake and returned him to the Maternal One." He needed desperately to hear those reassuring words from the one person that he trusted most in the world.
He was running up the stairs yelling, "Spinelli!" He came to the closed bedroom door and took a deep breath, he tapped once and opened it, "Look Spinelli, I'm sorry to invade your privacy but something's come up and I really need your…" "Help" was what he was going to say but he never finished the sentence.
Jason looked around Spinelli's bedroom unable to believe what he was seeing. It was eerily reminiscent of the scene downstairs in the living room but this was even more surrealistic. Jason actually stepped back, closed his eyes and shook his head, "Can't be," he muttered despairingly. He opened his eyes but nothing had changed.
The room was the same, exactly the same, as it had been two years previously before Spinelli had moved in and when it was just pink bedroom that was seldom used. It was entirely devoid of any hint of occupancy. None of Spinelli's possessions were in evidence. The bed was made and there was a closet, a bureau and a nightstand all of which were uncluttered except for a lamp on the nightstand. Jason stepped forward and opened the closet-nothing-the same for the drawers in the bureau and the table by the bed.
There was no computer desk piled high with equipment he didn't know the first thing about. There was no TV sitting on a stand with DVDs scattered around. There were no empty potato chip bags or bottles of orange soda. The floor wasn't carpeted with clothes and shoes and all the other debris that had been a hallmark of the young man's residence in this room.
Spinelli had always been careful to clean up after himself in other parts of the penthouse but in his room he had let his inner slob out and Jason hadn't objected because he considered it Spinelli's room and it was his right to keep it how he wished. It meant that Jason didn't come into Spinelli's room very often because when he did he itched to grab a trash bag and start cleaning it up. Spinelli ever sensitive to his mentor's facial expressions would correctly interpret his reaction and would shamefacedly start clearing up himself. Jason didn't like to make him feel like he couldn't do what he wanted in his own space and so he found it simpler to stay away.
He never thought the day would come when he would long for the clutter and mess that was so fundamental to Spinelli's living area. He wanted to be tripping over day old pizza and risk spilling partially filled bottles of orange soda onto the carpet. Anything, absolutely anything, would be better than this barren sterility.
Taking a deep breath he steeled himself and headed for the bathroom. It was as he had expected more of the same. The room was orderly and neat, there were no towels strewn on the floor. There was no multitude of bottles of various hair products, no matter how many Spinelli purchased and tried, he was unable to tame the wilderness that was his hair.
Jason didn't know what to do. Spinelli had somehow completely eradicated any sign of his presence from the penthouse. He had been a living, breathing presence in Jason's world for over two years. Yet there wasn't one indication, a single item that showed he had ever lived here.
"He must have been up all night," Jason thought in wonder and remorse at the lengths he had driven Spinelli to. He had obviously made him feel so unwanted, so unwelcome that he had attempted to erase his very existence from Jason's life. He still couldn't quite comprehend how he had managed to so effectively remove everything he owned without making any noise, without alerting Jason no matter how heavily he was sleeping in his drunken stupor.
Now more than ever he needed to find Spinelli. He suddenly found that the thought of living in the penthouse without him was intolerable. The kid had crept into his heart. Jason had known it, what he hadn't realized was how big the space he had made for himself was.
He would find him and Spinelli would support his version of what had happened to Jake. He would reassure Jason that there was no memorial service because no one was dead and that it was just some sort of giant misunderstanding. Then Jason would ask him, hell, he would beg if he had to, to come back to let him make things up to him. He would tell Spinelli the truth that he didn't want to be alone anymore. Jason was sure that he would relent, no one was more incapable of holding a grudge or staying angry with those he cared about than Damian Spinelli.
Jason couldn't wait to get out of the impersonal space that was now the pink room. He shut the door and went downstairs. He gathered up his leather jacket and started out the door. He would look for Spinelli in a little while but first he had another stop to make. He needed to disprove Carly's ridiculous story once and for all…
He knew he would find her at the hospital, where else would she be on Christmas Eve? She would be there with Jake and Cameron, maybe in pediatrics or helping set up tonight's Christmas party.
It all went to illustrate the primary differences between Jason and Elizabeth's worlds, the reason that they could never be together. She was a nurse, a healer, a nurturer, a mother. He was an enforcer, a mob boss, sometimes a killer and only an accidental father. Still, he was so grateful that he had known her, loved her and had Jake with her.
When he got to the tenth floor, her usual assigned station, he noticed subtle differences about the hospital. It was dingier than he remembered and there wasn't much staff around. Usually, there were always a few people at the central nurses' station-reviewing charts, consulting on cases and just plain gossiping.
It wasn't like that today, it was deserted, there was no one at the station and a phone was ringing insistently but it went unanswered. Jason raised an eyebrow at that sign of negligence. "Surely it wasn't a good thing to leave any call unanswered in a hospital, there was always the possibility that it could be an emergency," he thought idly to himself as he looked around. Still, it wasn't his business. He was just here to see Elizabeth to convince himself she was fine. Then he would go find Spinelli and start getting his life back to normal or as normal as his life ever was.
She was probably busy setting up for the party he realized. They had certainly left the decorating rather late this year, he couldn't see so much as a poinsettia or a piece of tinsel.
"Something I can do for you, Mr. Morgan?" It was Epiphany Johnson and despite her bulk she had managed to come up behind him unperceived.
Startled, Jason had to admit it wasn't a pleasant sensation to have someone sneak up on you unexpectedly. Maybe he could see why people seemed to complain about him doing it all the time. Ruefully, he admitted, "I didn't hear you coming, Epiphany."
A twitch of her upper lip was the only indication of her satisfaction at beating Jason at his own game. "What do you need?" She looked tired, there were circles under her eyes and she actually looked like she had lost some weight...
"I'm looking for Elizabeth, is she off decorating for the party tonight?"
A shadow passed over her face as her attention sharpened. "Elizabeth?" She said it warily, softly so as not to antagonize him.
"Yeah, brunette, blue eyes, good figure, about so high." What was it with everyone today? He was starting to get pissed off.
"I know what Nurse Weber looks like Mr. Morgan." She was trying for her best nurse supervisor manner but something was lacking as she looked at him with concern in her expression. "Jason," her tone was gentle, "Shouldn't you be at the service? I wanted to go but with all the budget cuts there was no one else to cover the floor."
"Not you too!" Frustration welled up inside him as he tried to stay calm. "Look, Epiphany, I just want to see Elizabeth. It'll just take a minute and then I'll be out of everyone's way. I'm not going until I see her." He was obdurate.
"She's not here-she's…" It was all still too raw, too tragic and unnecessary and she couldn't say it.
Epiphany knew that in a way this man standing in front of her was directly responsible for the events unfolding today but one look at his tortured face and she didn't have the heart to berate him. Actually, she was worried more than anything, he seemed to be in complete denial and Jason Morgan at the best of times was unpredictable. She didn't know what she would do if he started to go off the deep end, she was short staffed with everyone away at the service and security these days was a joke.
Jason was getting impatient and had decided on a different tack, "Are Nurse Crowell or Robin Scorpio on duty?"
Either one would do. Nadine and Elizabeth were colleagues and she was friends with Spinelli as well. He could ask her if she had seen or talked to him since last night. Robin and Elizabeth were best friends and she would be straight with Jason, she wouldn't play games with him like Carly or block him out of some sense of disapproval as Epiphany seemed to be doing.
He realized Epiphany hadn't answered his question and he looked at her in irritation, "Well, do I have to get on the P.A. myself and page them. I will if I need to." One look at his face convinced Epiphany that was exactly what he would do if he continued to be thwarted.
Still, she hesitated, it was bad enough but just barely understandable that he could be in denial about Jake and Elizabeth, but Robin Scorpio-where had that come from? She decided to approach the issue obliquely and respond to the most harmless of his queries. "Nurse Crowell? Jolene Crowell hasn't worked here since MedCam took over the hospital a year and a half ago. Why would you want to see her, last I heard she was working at a nursing home out in California."
Jason looked at her incredulously, "Jolene Crowell was shot and is in a coma. It's Nadine, her sister I want to talk to." Something else Epiphany said…"Medcam? It's Medcam that Jolene was working for sabotaging the hospital and killing patients. Spinelli and I found her out and turned her in. Then when the gangs came in and shot up the ER she was injured while trying to protect Spinelli."
"Yes, Jason," Epiphany was striving for patience, to be understanding. She knew how terrible today must be for him. It was also pretty awful for Epiphany who had lost one of her best nurses and a friend to boot. "It was after the shoot out in the ER that MedCam did a hostile takeover and acquired the hospital, they claimed incompetence and negligence on the part of the hospital. Jolene wasn't even in the ER when the shooting took place. She was fine and shortly afterwards she left for California. I don't know about any sister-Nadine, you said?"
It was like everything in the world was slightly skewed. He would say something and the other person would know what he was talking about but with major differences, horrible differences that made him doubt their sanity or possibly his own.
"No," he had to shake her assurance, her viewpoint of things. Jason knew someone that was important to Epiphany that would convince her of the truth of what he was saying. "I caught Jolene with a syringe outside Touissant's room. She would have killed him like the other patients she murdered."
A shadow passed over Epiphany's face when he said Touissant's name and she looked angrily at Jason. "That's enough!" her tone was sharp. She had tried to be sympathetic. Yet, this was too much, for Jason to bring up such a painful subject with utter disregard for her feelings was just unkind. "Mr. Touissant died of complications from his brain surgery. He wasn't murdered by Jolene Crowell or anyone else. Why would you say such a thing?"
They stared at each other across a gulf of mutual incomprehension and distrust. Jason didn't know what else to say to her, he just wanted to see Robin or Nadine or most of all-Elizabeth.
"Epiphany, could you get me Mr. Cole's chart. I want to see the results of his blood work." It was Dr. Patrick Drake coming up to the nurse's station.
"Yes, Doctor, I have them right here." Epiphany passed him the patient's chart.
"Patrick," Jason was relieved, finally someone who was rational, objective-a man. "Where's Robin, I need to talk to her."
Patrick looked tired just like Epiphany. He stared at Jason with surprise, sure he hadn't heard him correctly. "Why aren't you at the memorial service?" He realized that he should have kept his mouth shut, maybe Jason had been banned by the Spencers or perhaps he couldn't face the dreadful results of his lifestyle choice-either one would be understandable.
Patrick was looking at him strangely, just as Epiphany had. Jason couldn't believe it, wasn't there one normal person left in Port Charles?
"Let me speak to Robin," if there was a single human being who was logical and whom Jason could count on to help straighten everything out-it was Robin.
Patrick looked at Jason in astonishment, he glanced at Epiphany who shrugged her shoulders and raised her hands in a "don't ask me gesture."
"She's not here Jason," he was speaking slowly trying to understand what was going on. He wondered if everything that had happened over the last couple of days had finally pushed Jason over the edge, if he had become disassociated from reality. Patrick was pondering if it was best to indulge him or if he should try to tell him the truth and prod him back to reality.
"Where is she then, home with Emma?" He needed to see her, besides Elizabeth and Spinelli, Robin was the person he most wanted to talk to right now, to help him deal with a world gone mad.
"Emma, who's she?" Patrick was puzzled, Jason wasn't only delusional, he was actually creating nonexistent people.
"He keeps talking about people that I've never met, a Nadine Crowell, a Spinelli." Epiphany was relieved that Patrick was as confused and disturbed by Jason's behavior as she was. He had seemed so convinced of his version of events that it had started to make her doubt her own perception.
"Spinelli," Jason turned back towards Epiphany, she was acting like she had no idea who he was just like Carly. "You know him Epiphany, he's been a patient here, he's friends with Nadine and Robin." He looked over at Patrick. "He was at your wedding to Robin, you gave him dating advice." He was trying to reach them, to jar their combined memories but all he received were blank, concerned stares.
"Jason," Patrick had decided he had to say it, to tell him. His heart couldn't take him talking about Robin this way, it was too painful. "Robin's dead, she died almost two years ago when those gangs came into the ER. One of them took her hostage and she was shot in…the head."
Even now, when he closed his eyes, he could still see her in his mind, her courage, her compassion as she tended to patients under a hail of bullets. It had all ended for him that day, any hope that Patrick had ever had of giving up his roving ways and settling down. Robin Scorpio had been the only woman to ever get Patrick Drake to think about the idea of commitment. Since her death, he had never dated a woman more than three times and he had absolutely no intention of ever risking his heart or soul again.
"No!" Jason couldn't take it any longer. First it had been Carly and Epiphany talking about Elizabeth being gone and Jake too. No one seemed to remember Spinelli at all and now Patrick was trying to tell him that Robin was dead, that she had died over a year ago. "I was there," he jabbed his finger fiercely into Patrick's chest causing him to lose his balance and step back. "You're right, he took her hostage but she trusted me and I shot him and she was shaken up but she was alive…alive!"
Patrick was furious as well. He was face to face with Jason now, he had no idea if was truly delusional or if he was just playing some macabre practical joke for some unfathomable reason-whichever it was it had to stop now.
"No, Jason, you weren't there, I was. I saw her get shot. I cradled her in my arms while she breathed her last." His voice broke as he whispered, "I lost everything that day. How dare you come in here and say these things to me."
Jason was bewildered. "I was on community service. Spinelli shot himself in the foot with my gun and I took the blame so he didn't get arrested for illegal possession of a firearm. They assigned me to work the nightshift as a custodian for the summer. Epiphany you remember, you must…" He turned to her in appeal.
She wished she could tell him what he so obviously wanted to hear but she couldn't, it wasn't what had happened. She shook her head, "I don't know this Spinelli or whether or not he had a gun or shot his foot. You weren't working here that summer. I was on the night shift then, I would have remembered."
"Yes, I was!" Jason was insistent as if he just said it often and strongly enough they would somehow believe him and remember how it had been. "There was a pregnant woman-Stacey Sloan, she had HIV and Robin took a personal interest in her case, she wanted to have a baby too and Stacey was proof that it could be done even if she had HIV. Stacey died but Spinelli and I delivered her baby and now Robin has her own baby."
He turned back to Patrick, "Your daughter-Emma." Surely Patrick wouldn't deny his own child.
It hadn't worked or changed a thing. The only difference was that Patrick and Epiphany's aspects had changed from anger and frustration to shared expressions of pity.
"You're right Jason," Patrick was talking quietly, the rush of agonizing memories flooding back after he had so successfully manage to subdue them for all this time. "Robin did bond with Stacey, she was inspired by her but that all came to an end when she was in labor and trapped in an elevator with no one but a student nurse to help her. Her placenta separated from the uterine wall and the child suffocated before we could get her out. Later Stacey bled out and died. Robin was inconsolable and shortly afterwards…well, she was killed."
He was drained, reliving that horrible time had exhausted him. It seemed to have been an exercise in futility, from the looks of Jason it hadn't gone any distance towards convincing him that Epiphany and he were telling the truth and that it was Jason's memory that was at fault.
"Why are you doing this?" Jason looked back and forth at each of them, unable to comprehend what pleasure they could be getting out of this peculiar torment, this elaborate practical joke the whole town seemed to in on. He scrubbed at his face in agitation. "Stacey died but her daughter lived. Robin is alive and you," glaring at Patrick, "have a child together. Elizabeth and Jake are fine…"
"Why are you saying these things Jason?" Patrick was white with barely suppressed rage. "These are our lives, our colleagues and friends you keep insisting are alive and well when they're not! Don't you think I would know it if I was married to Robin and had a child with her…" He closed his eyes in despair thinking bleakly, "if only," what he would give if what Jason was saying were true-but it wasn't.
Jason gave up. It was clear that they weren't going to produce Elizabeth or Robin and that they were going to continue with their revisionist view of history. His head was swimming with all the counterproductive conversations he had had today, with everyone's attempts to get him to believe that the most important people in his world were dead or nonexistent. He desperately needed a few minutes to himself, to think things through, to come up with a plan.
"Thanks for nothing!" He growled at Patrick and Epiphany as he turned on his heel and strode over to the elevator bank.
He punched the call button with a contained violence in an attempt to relieve some of his frustration, his fear, his sense of solitude. Still, when he was actually in the elevator he could almost hear Touissant murmuring in his ear, "Gently now, push it gently and it will respond, like a sweet talked woman…" Jason smiled, grateful for the reminder of his goal to prove that Touissant, Robin, Emma, Elizabeth, and most of all Jake, were all still living, still vital…
"How do I do that?" he asked himself, "Everyone seems convinced that I'm crazy, that their story is the real one. I didn't imagine this stuff. It's the way it happened." More to the point, "I'd know if Jake or Elizabeth were dead, I'd feel it."
He leaned wearily against the wall of the elevator car. He didn't know what to do next, where he should go, who he should see to verify his conviction, his absolute belief in how things were. Suddenly, Jason frowned; there was one consistent thread that had run through all the discussions and arguments he had been having today. Everyone agreed that alive or dead there was an Elizabeth Weber, a Robin Scorpio, and a Jolene Crowell. The disagreement stemmed from whether or not these people were currently alive or what the outcome of certain events had been. No one was questioning their fundamental existence with one glaring exception-Damian Spinelli.
Carly, Epiphany and Patrick had all been willing to discuss everyone but Spinelli. Whenever Spinelli's name came up they either ignored it or asked who he was or said they had never heard of him. It was the single unifying theme to all the distressing interactions he had experienced today. It was almost as if (No! that was just plain crazy) Spinelli didn't exist at all.
The elevator had arrived at the ground floor and there was a ping as the door opened. Preoccupied, trying to follow and comprehend his new train of thought, Jason left the hospital. It had started to snow but he didn't even notice it. It didn't make any sense, he seemed to be the only person that knew, that remembered Spinelli.
Startled, he realized something else. Every single event that had been talked about today had involved Spinelli in one form or another. It was Spinelli that had helped him get out of jail and find Jake so he could retrieve him. It was Spinelli that had been the reason for Jason working at the hospital. He and Jason had discovered what Jolene had been doing and had stopped her before she could kill again or MedCam could do a hostile takeover. Spinelli had been in the ER when the shootout had occurred. He had saved Jason from getting shot and then Jason had rescued Robin. That was also when Jolene had gotten shot by protecting Spinelli.
That was it, the linking thread to every situation-everything was connected to Spinelli. Jason stopped, he just stood on the sidewalk close to the hospital, oblivious to the ever thickening snowfall or the irritated glances of passerbys as they were forced to divert around him.
It made no sense, of course Spinelli existed. He had been living in the penthouse with Jason for two years. It was Spinelli that lived in his mind, fantasized about things and people. Jason knew he had no imagination to speak of, it was one of the reasons that he was so good at his profession. He didn't dwell on the violence, the death that pervaded his existence.
So, no, there wasn't any way that Jason Morgan had created a figment of his imagination-a young insecure computer hacker with a tender heart-as a way of fantasizing his way out of intolerable and crushing grief. Spinelli was real, he existed and Jason just needed to find him and the world would be back on its axis spinning merrily along the way it was meant to.
He had reached a decision, had a plan of action but he still didn't know where to go and look to find his roommate. Spinelli's usual hang outs were all shut down at the moment. Neither Kelly's nor the coffee house was reopened for business. Of course! How could he be such an idiot? It was a sign of all the stress that he was under that he hadn't immediately thought of the obvious, the only place he should go to look for Spinelli in order to start setting things right-Maxie!
If Jason was Spinelli's magnetic north then Maxie was his true north. He couldn't believe that he had just thought that, such a poetic flight of fancy from stoic Stone Cold. His lips quirked in a small smile, "The kid was rubbing off on him," he thought. If he ever needed confirmation that Spinelli was no figment of his subconscious he knew that seeing Maxie Jones would provide the proof he sought.
Jason stepped into the foyer of the Crimson offices impatient to find Maxie. He hoped that Spinelli would be right there with her pouring out his woes about their disagreement of the night before. So much had happened since then that it all seemed slightly hazy to Jason like a dream. Yet, he knew it wasn't and that he was going to have to do some serious apologizing to Spinelli to set everything right between them. Jason was actually eager to have an emotional conversation for once, one where he would admit he had been at fault. He was convinced that when he and Spinelli had settled their differences everything else that was wrong would be resolved as well. Jason was planning to have a real Christmas this year to celebrate that much anticipated outcome.
His hopes plummeted when he saw the outer office was empty. Jason belatedly recollected that it was Christmas Eve and that even the driven Kate Howard might be humane enough to let her assistants go a little early. Just then the door to Kate's office opened and Lulu Spencer appeared.
"Lulu," she wasn't Maxie but she was the next best thing and he was sure she could tell him where she was and maybe even something about Spinelli.
"Jason," she looked surprised to see him. It was a reasonable reaction, fashion magazines and Jason Morgan weren't a natural fit. "He could've totally been a model, "Lulu reflected to herself looking at him from a new vantage point. "Are you here to see Kate?" she asked him, though she knew that they could barely be cordial to one another. There was a lot of history involving the two of them and Sonny and conflicting loyalties. She didn't really want to know…
"What a way to crown this fabulous day by seeing Kate Howard," he thought sarcastically. "No, I wanted to talk to you or better yet, Maxie. Is she around?"
"Maxie?" She repeated, a puzzled expression on her face. "Do you mean Maxie Jones? Why would you think to find her here?"
Jason's formidable patience was beginning to fray, "Oh, I don't know maybe because she practically lives at this place."
"Huh," Lulu was so confused about Jason expecting to find Maxie here that she entirely missed his flare of temper. "No, she doesn't. Live here I mean," Lulu ever the literalist paused as she rethought what she was trying to say. "You think she works here." The light was dawning but it wasn't helping her bemusement. She still didn't understand why Jason Morgan had shown up at Crimson looking for Maxie Jones.
"Yes, she does." Jason felt like he was falling back down the rabbit hole. "Same shit, different person," he sighed to himself in exasperation. This time though he was determined to get the information he wanted and he was going to do it without another one of those circular conversations that left him drained and doubting everything he knew.
"Look Lulu, if you know where I can find Maxie, I'll get out of your way and you can get back to what you were doing."
He knew better then to even bring up the subject of Spinelli. He couldn't stand one more stare of total incomprehension when he mentioned his roommate's name. He deserved better than that and Jason was going to make sure he got it.
"I was just shutting down for the holiday. Kate has already left and gone home to get ready for the Christmas Eve party. As first assistant I get to co-host and Johnny is escorting me…"
"Lulu," he knew that if he didn't stop her she would rattle on about her own life and never bother to answer his question. "Maxie Jones, where can I find her?"
At least her self-involvement seemed to preclude her from telling him about how everyone who was important to him was dead. What had Spinelli ever seen in this girl?
She shrugged, totally indifferent, "I don't know, home I guess. She doesn't go out much since what happened here at the Metro Court. Then when Robin and Georgie were killed she practically became a hermit. Mac is the only person that ever sees her but that's because they live together." The idiocy of her last statement was breathtaking.
Jason winced involuntarily as she so casually confirmed what Patrick had said about Robin being dead. He also didn't know what she was talking about with regard to an incident at the hotel. He wasn't about to submit to a Lulu exposition on some event that would undoubtedly be a skewed reflection of an occurrence that Jason would remember differently anyway.
"We're not friends you know," she said to Jason's retreating back as he walked towards the elevators.
"I know," he said to her as the elevator doors closed cutting her off from his sight.
Jason was nervous, despite the plummeting temperatures as the snow continued to fall and the afternoon started it's slow descent towards a long winter evening, the palms of his hands were slick with sweat. He tried to tell himself it was because he was standing in front of the one door in Port Charles that he had never thought to visit, where he knew he could never be welcome. He sincerely hoped that Police Commissioner Mac Scorpio was at the police station trying to make the city safe from those of Jason's ilk.
Still, even if he were home, Jason was determined to brave his scorn and his fury. He wasn't going to let anyone prevent him from seeing and talking to Maxie. Jason knew it was the fear of what Maxie might say to him that was the actual reason for his nerves, his fear, his pounding heart and his hesitation about ringing the doorbell. What if she was the same as everyone else, what if even Maxie Jones didn't remember Spinelli? What would he do then? He was running out of ideas, of options.
"Just do it!" he berated himself for his cowardice as he forced his hand up to push the white button.
He could hear the bell ringing in the depths of the house. Jason really didn't think that Mac was home, the house was almost entirely dark and bare of any Christmas decorations. There was only the dim glow of a lamp in the front room to illuminate the blinds securely pulled down over the front windows. The car in the driveway was Maxie's and it was already covered in snow. Jason recalled that Lulu had said Maxie never went anywhere. A few minutes passed and there was no response, no footsteps coming to open the door.
Jason rang the doorbell again and then again, holding it down that time so that a shrill irritating sound could be heard pulsing through the silent house. Finally, he started banging on the doors with his fists. "Maxie!" he was shouting, he was at the end of his tether. "I know you're in there and I'm not leaving until you talk to me."
"All right! All right! Hold your horses! I'm coming…." The front door was flung open and he was looking at an enraged Maxie Jones. "What the hell do you think you're doing? The neighbors are likely to call Mac with the noise you're making and that's the last thing…" She trailed off as she recognized her visitor in the faint glow from a street lamp. "Jason," she was bewildered, "What are you doing here? What do you want?" Her tone was no friendlier just tinged by puzzlement.
"I need to speak to you Maxie," he wasn't in the mood to wait to be invited in, if he even would be, he brushed by her and stepped into the darkened entry hall.
"Of all the nerve!" Maxie was genuinely angry but he could hear an undertone of curiosity and something else, perhaps unease, in her tone.
Taking the initiative Jason turned towards the room with the lamp in it and found himself in the living room. He turned waiting for Maxie to follow him in. Suddenly, he felt awkward; he had just shown up on her doorstep and bulled his way into her house. He would never have behaved this way if he had any idea of what else he could do but she was literally his last hope. If Maxie couldn't connect him to Spinelli, he didn't know what he would do.
"What do you want Jason?" She was standing by the entrance of the living room, her arms crossed defensively across her chest.
"Maxie," Now that he was here and had her attention, he didn't know where to begin. "Do you know where Spinelli is?" He had never been much good at subtlety or sidelong approaches.
"Who?" She moved into the room and sat down on the end of the couch away from the lamp. "Do I know where Span-something is? I have no idea what you're talking about. This is why you practically broke the door down, to ask me where something that I know nothing about is?"
The familiar irritation and snappishness were clearly evident in Maxie's voice but they were accompanied by something else that sent chills down Jason's spine-apathy. Say what you would about Maxie Jones, she could be selfish, prickly, defensive, insecure, but she also embraced life with a ferocity that was admirable. He had seen her stand brave and uncowed, her head held high as her various sins and misdemeanors were exposed to the world at large. She never backed down, she wasn't even afraid when she ought to be. She had no sense of her fragility, her mortality or perhaps she didn't care what happened to her. Whichever it was, Jason had always secretly respected her debonair, take no prisoners attitude towards living. To see her now, hiding alone in a dark house and with her formidable spirit a faint memory broke his heart.
"Not a what, Maxie, who-Spinelli. He's your best friend. I'm looking for him I need his help and I have to apologize to him for…for some things I did. You're my last hope…" Jason could hear the pleading in his voice and he saw that Maxie did too. Her eyes had gotten bigger and a look of confusion flitted across her face as he spoke.
She answered him with a sharp bark of humorless laughter. "My best friend, that's rich! He'd be my only friend if I had ever heard of him. Sorry, Jason I have no idea who you're talking about, I don't know any…Spinelli? What kind of name is that anyway?"
"His name is Damian Spinelli. He's my roommate and has been a loyal and true friend to both of us Maxie. What's wrong with you, how can you just deny him like that?"
Jason was drowning in emotional quicksand, he had found Maxie and nothing was different. He was beginning to get scared that if-"no, when," he tried to correct himself halfheartedly-he did find Spinelli that he wouldn't be able to fix anything after all. Jason didn't know what he would do if this nightmarish world he found himself in was truly real, he didn't think he would want to go on if it were…
Maxie had been silent since Jason had spoken. She seemed sunk in thought. After a few moments she raised her head and he could see her eyes sparkling with some unfathomable emotion in the faint light.
"What has happened to me Jason?" She was speaking with soft venom, the words were practically hissed. "You know exactly what happened, you were there after all. The big hero Jason Morgan, but you didn't do such a swell job when James Craig took over the Metro Court did you?"
She had stood up and stalked towards the wall of the living room where she hit a switch. The ceiling lights came on flooding the room with glaring light, at least when compared to the soft aspect of the single, low wattage lamp.
Maxie stood with her back to Jason, as she continued speaking. "No, your heroics were all a case of too little and too late that night-at least for me. I sat in that damned vault for hours, with Coop…" her voice broke, "We were waiting for someone, for anyone to come before that suitcase detonated. I didn't care if it was his boss or Mac or even you, Jason,-just someone. So, what happened, Jason, was that we watched the digital timer count down until it was less than a minute."
She swallowed, "He was really brave-Coop, so brave. He told me to go into the farthest corner and to hide behind some shelving and then he moved the suitcase as far away from me as he could. Then he lay on top of it and it exploded, Jason. It blew up and pieces of Coop flew up into the air and then fell down, some of them landed on top of me. That really didn't seem so important at the time because a big piece of metal from the suitcase came flying across the room and hit me in the face. It was searing hot and it hurt. God! It burned!" Her shoulders were trembling now with remembrance.
Jason was appalled. He didn't know what to do. He took a tentative step towards her wanting to offer what cold comfort he could. Without turning around, she put up a small hand clearly telling him to stop.
"I lay there for hours, going in and out of consciousness. I could smell it Jason-the scent of cooked meat-it came from Coop, it came from me. Do you know what it is like to smell something like that? I'm a vegetarian now, a vegan actually," a dry chuckle emanated from her.
"They finally came, hours afterwards. They couldn't get into the vault because of the fucking fail safe system and they had to wait for it to open twelve hours later. They took me to the hospital. I was in shock and my heart, this ever reliable heart of mine, went into cardiac arrest. I almost died, really I would have preferred it but that isn't the deal that God has with me. No that bastard killed Georgie, Robin, Coop-but me, he just did this to me."
She finally turned around and in the new harsher light Jason could clearly see her for the first time that night. He couldn't prevent the shocked gasp that escaped him.
"Maxie!" He stepped towards her reflexively but she backed away from him.
The left side of her face was a mass of crisscrossing scars. They radiated out from her eye down her cheek to her jaw. Her eye was dragged down and droopy while her lips were pulled up in a permanent half-smirk.
"Pretty isn't it?" She said harshly, tears standing in her eyes as she glared at him defiantly. "Nope, not such a hero that night Jason. The whole fucking hotel blew up but no one had something like this happen to them. There I was in a goddamn vault and I come out looking like this." Abruptly, she turned the lights off and went back to the couch.
"Maxie," his tone was full of sorrow and pity. "I'm so sorry. I couldn't help you that night. I would give anything to have it turn out differently, anything."
He knew everything was lost, every hope he had stubbornly clung to during this long arduous day had been vaporized. Nothing anyone had said, nothing he had experienced or seen had convinced him so thoroughly as this poor disfigured, broken woman sitting before him right now. Damian Spinelli truly didn't exist on this planet because if he did then Maxie Jones would be whole and healthy and irritating as hell.
That night at the Metro Court, that night… Well, it had been exactly as Maxie described until the moment that Lulu had a gun held to her head and Spinelli was instructed to find the combination to the vault, to override the fail safe, that is if he wanted Lulu to live. It had been the first time Jason had seen Spinelli under pressure and he had fully expected him to fall apart. He hadn't, he had been nervous but he had gone into the zone-had left everything and everyone behind. Spinelli had figured out the combination and opened the vault. Maxie, Cooper and the suitcase had all been rescued. The suitcase had been deactivated, there had been no explosion, Coop hadn't died, Maxie hadn't been disfigured…
For the final time today, Jason was hearing an alternate version of events in his life. This one was different though, this time the proof was staring him in the face, not off-stage somewhere so that he could live in denial. Jason had no more plans, no more ideas, no more faith.
Maxie looked up at him hearing the sincerity in his voice. Her brief spurt of anger, of spirit had evaporated leaving her listless and empty. She didn't really understand why Jason was here, she hadn't seen him since the events at the Metro Court. She hadn't expected to, they were nothing to each other and her father hated him with all his soul. He would not be pleased to hear that Jason Morgan had been in his house. If she had her way, he wouldn't hear about it from her-unless some neighbor told him.
"I'm sorry. I can't help you find your friend Jason. I still don't understand why you thought I would know anything about him in the first place. I hope you find him soon. I'm really tired now. So, if you could show yourself out." She was so weary but some echo of how people were meant to behave caused her to add, "Merry Christmas, Jason."
Both their worlds had turned to ashes but she had been dwelling in hers a lot longer than he had. His regard for her had never been higher. So, with a supreme effort he managed to dredge up an appropriate response as he headed for the front door. "Merry Christmas, Maxie."
As he stepped out onto the front porch and looked up at the swirling snow, he knew where he had to go. He had been avoiding the inevitability of it all day, ever since Carly had come to the penthouse. "Poor Carly," he thought ruefully. He had treated her so badly simply because she had told him the truth and had tried to help him. He wished he could make it up to her, he really did but he wasn't going to be seeing her.
Jason wasn't going to be seeing anyone after tonight. He had just one thing left to do and then he would be free to go. It was the only logical thing. He was happy that almost everyone that his absence would have mattered to was already gone. The few that might still care, well, he couldn't help that, he wasn't capable of staying not anymore. If he had one regret it was that he had never really known Damian Spinelli-it seemed like his existence would have been the better for it.
It was fully dark by the time Jason reached his destination. The newly turned soil was warmer than the atmosphere and so the snow hadn't stuck to it. He found them easily, one big and one little. They were black against the surrounding white. He could see small temporary markers indicating where their heads lay-Elizabeth Weber and Jacob Weber, stark and simple.
"I failed you," his voice was so soft it was lost in the disorienting whiteness. It didn't matter though, he knew they couldn't hear him anyway. "If I could be lying there instead of you, I would gladly have done that exchange. I'm coming anyway. I am tired of this place."
Unexpectedly, he was wracked by great cramping sobs that brought him to his knees. "Elizabeth, Jake…" he was howling their names into the endless night. In utter abandon and misery he laid face down, part of his body covering each of their graves. His fists clenched and clawed at the wet and muddy soil. He buried his face in it, trying to dig down to them, to be with them this one last time…