A/N: I have no rights or affiliation with the characters presented within this piece
The Ripple Effect
Chapter 3: Christmas Eve I
Sunlight was streaming in through the windows. Jason was thrashing and moaning in the grip of his nightmare. The only distinct words that could be comprehended were "Elizabeth, Jake," repeated over and over again. He was sweating and tears were running down his cheeks. His fists were entangled in the sheets as he pounded the mattress in an agony of grief.
Jason's eyes popped open, his heart was thumping as he stared around the room in perplexity. He wasn't lying in a graveyard in the middle of snow storm. He was in his own bed in his bedroom at his penthouse. He looked at the alarm clock on the nightstand, 10 a.m.-just like yesterday….
"Wait a minute," he thought confused. Yesterday-was that the day he was drunk and fought with Spinelli or was it the next day when he found out the world had gone mad and taken away all his reasons for living?
With a grunt he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sat up. Immediately he felt an intense throbbing in his skull and the room twirled around him as his inner ear fought to establish equilibrium.
A wild flare of hope surged through him. "This was exactly how yesterday morning had begun," he thought with a fierce exaltation.
So, maybe, just maybe, everything he had experienced yesterday wasn't real, that it had all been a dream. That would mean that this was the reality-the sunlight, the hang-over, the cuts on his face and the bruises on his body-they were all true and the rest…all just a terrible nightmare.
"There's only one way to find out," he told himself. He couldn't seem to move. He was petrified to get up and go check.
He didn't know what he would do if he found it to be the way it had been before, he couldn't go through that again, he couldn't. Reluctantly, he pushed himself slowly up off the bed. He stood still for a moment to let his eyes and balance equilibrate as he successfully quelled the urge to vomit. Stumbling over the boots that he had strewn on the floor he made his way to the bedroom door and opening it stepped out into the hall.
Spinelli's bedroom door was closed giving no indication of what lay behind it. Dry mouthed and with a knot in his stomach, Jason trudged down the hall and without giving him time to reconsider, grabbed the door knob and flung the door open. It hit the wall with a resounding bang and then began to swing back. Jason put a hand on it steadying it as he peered with trepidation into the room.
"Thank God!" He swayed weakly as he saw that he had been given a reprieve. "It's all right, it's all right." Jason didn't care that he was crying, his eyes overflowing with tears of pure relief, he didn't care at all.
The room was just the way it was supposed to be, should always be. There wasn't a square inch of carpet visible; the whole was blanketed with clothes, shoes, dirty plates, piles of books… The bed was rumpled and unmade while every available surface in the room was covered with something or other. In one corner a computer desk sat piled high with obscure equipment that hummed and beeped comfortingly. Jason didn't have to see the bathroom to know the utter chaos that reigned there. He had never been so happy to see a mess of such gigantic proportions. This, this was what Spinelli's room was supposed to look like and he'd shoot anyone who would think of cleaning it up.
Suddenly Jason remembered the living room and what had occurred there. He turned, his headache forgotten, and dashed down the stairs, having to steady himself momentarily as his imbalance returned. At the foot of the stairs he stopped and looked over at the fireplace. A broad grin crossed his face. It was all there-the partially burned tree, the scattered evergreen boughs, the knife sticking out from the wall-all of it just as he had left it last night.
"Last night," he thought, "That means that today is the twenty-fourth, Christmas Eve, it isn't Christmas yet. I still have time…"
Jason had been so happy to discover that everything he thought had occurred yesterday-or was it today? "To hell with it!" He grunted, unable to contemplate the metaphysics of what he had experienced.
No, matter how or why, it was beyond amazing that none of that had been true but that didn't rectify the fact that he had been so unforgivably insensitive towards Spinelli. He winced as he looked over at the toppled tree, the shards of ornaments twinkled in the morning sunlight. He had destroyed Spinelli's only tie to his absent mother but even worse was the fear that Jason had decimated Spinelli's trust in him. Jason had always felt uncomfortable with Spinelli's unabashed hero-worship of him but he now found it unbearable to think of the young man looking at him with contempt or anger or even hate in his expressive green eyes.
"Where is he anyway?" He muttered worried as he looked around at the silent apartment. Spinelli had left last night with his spirit crushed and his hands cut and as far as Jason could see he hadn't returned.
This was different from the dream though, Jason knew that Spinelli was alive somewhere in the world. As soon as he found him, he would bring him back home where he belonged. He would do whatever he had to in order to make things right between them, he wanted his brother back. He would give him a Christmas to remember.
Jason was heading for the front door ready to go out into the world-to find Spinelli, to make sure that everything-everything-he had experienced had only been a result of his dream. As he opened the door he looked down at his feet and realized that they were bare. Stepping back he looked down at his clothes in general, they were crumpled, stained, smelled of beer, and that was only what he could see… Sighing, impatient to be off but aware that he couldn't go out like this he turned back upstairs.
Forty minutes later showered shaven and dressed in a pull-over that Carly had given him and a pair of dress slacks he was back at the front door. He didn't know why he had decided to forego his usual uniform of T-shirt and jeans but somehow the importance, perhaps even the solemnity, of the day was such that he needed to show respect not just in his actions but in his appearance as well. The leather jacket-well that was non-negotiable-he smiled to himself as he left the apartment.
The day was cold and crisp, the sky leaden with the promise of snow to come. "Just like yesterday," he thought to himself, "No, wait that was the vision or whatever…"
Jason groaned this stuff was giving him a headache but he could hear Spinelli yammering away in his head, "That is so cool, Stone Cold, was it an out of body experience, a visitation from the spirit world, your subconscious at work? The Jackal is intrigued beyond measure!" Well, the kid could analyze it all he wanted once Jason found him and apologized.
Jason knew he should be out searching with a single goal-finding Spinelli. He supposed he could even make a case for his first stop as being part of that process. Still, if he were being honest with himself, this visit was only for him, to prove to himself that it had indeed been a dream-scratch that-a nightmare. He knew if he didn't check, if he didn't reassure himself then he wouldn't be able to shake the residual dread that the experience had engendered in him.
Once again the elevator pinged as he stepped out at the tenth floor nurses' station. The difference between his last trip (not really a trip-he needed to stop these comparisons but he didn't exactly know how) and this was like night and day. Then it had been a quiet, grayish place where the only two people in evidence were Epiphany and Patrick. They were here today as well but that is where the similarities stopped. The floor was a hectic, crowded place with people swirling around chatting, decorating and even, it appeared, practicing a little medicine.
There were decorations everywhere-poinsettias, colored streamers, a large tree in the corner and smaller flocked ones on the desk and on the table in the waiting area. There was even mistletoe, at least Jason assumed that was what the little ball of greenery was that Nicholas Cassidine and Nadine Crowell were standing under as they kissed and laughed and teased one another.
Patrick Drake was standing at the counter talking to another doctor. His glance kept straying to the waiting area and a goofy grin would creep across his face before he would recollect himself and turn back to his colleague with an appropriately professional mien.
Jason followed Patrick's line of sight to see what he been staring at. His own face split into a delighted smile. "It was all right, everything was okay," he told himself as he saw the living proof in front of him.
Robin Scorpio and Elizabeth Weber sat in the chairs and couches of the waiting area. Elizabeth was holding Robin's daughter Emma in her arms and with her heart-shaped face, brown curls and blue scrubs seemed the closest thing to a Madonna that Jason had ever seen. Seated on Robin's lap was Jake while standing next to his mother was his brother Cameron.
Jason swallowed over the lump that had appeared in his throat at the sight of his son-happy, healthy and vital. All the guilt he had been harboring these last several weeks suddenly vanished as he realized how foolhardy he been to obsess over what might have been instead of what really was.
The joy and peace of the moment wasn't even spoiled as Lucky Spencer walked around Jason and went up to Elizabeth. Smiling he picked up Jake who was happy to see him and taking Cameron's hand he bent down and kissed Elizabeth on the cheek. "I'll have them back in time for the party. Cameron has been hinting that he needs to get some Christmas shopping done and so do I."
Elizabeth and Robin laughed at him and together said, "Men!" They then exchanged a look of perfect understanding at the foibles of the weaker sex who not only felt it entirely appropriate to shop on Christmas Eve but were also training the next generation in such abysmal behaviors.
Patrick finished his consultation and came over to join the group. He was looking proudly down at Emma, now back with her mother, as she grabbed his finger in her tiny fist and yawned up at her entirely captivated father.
"Did you say something about Christmas shopping?" he asked Lucky who was standing by while Elizabeth was making sure that both her sons were bundled up warmly enough.
"You want to come?" Lucky offered, his arms full of a boisterous Jake.
"Sure, I need some male bonding." He smiled wickedly at Robin who responded by sticking her tongue out at him.
"Not you too," she laughingly complained, "I can hardly wait to see what you guys get with everything already sold out or picked over."
"No," Patrick said earnestly, he was a grizzled veteran of last minute holiday shopping. "It's when you get some of the best deals. The stores are desperate to make a sale."
"Whatever," Robin waved him away in mock disgust as Elizabeth giggled.
The foursome turned to leave, Lucky carrying Jake again walked by Jason. For a brief moment he paused, letting Jason look into his son's eyes which were identical in color to his own. Jason reached out and ran his hand gently over the blue bobble cap covering his son's spiky blond hair. "Merry Christmas Jake," he said softly as he stepped back with a grateful glance at Lucky who tilted his head in acknowledgment.
"Jason," her voice was gentle and he gazed down at her face with every bit of love and longing he bore her clearly showing in his eyes. He remembered what it had been like when he had thought she was no longer on the planet, the bleakness, the emptiness that had turned his heart to ice. He now knew that the pain of not being with her or with Jake was nothing compared to his anguish if they ever ceased to exist.
"Elizabeth," he whispered back, his heart contained in one word.
Every feeling he had was reciprocated perhaps multiplied in her stare. The room full of people had receded and it was just the two of them in this infinitely finite moment. It was Elizabeth who broke eye contact first, as she somewhat self consciously looked around at her colleagues who suddenly seemed to find anywhere else but the space she and Jason occupied as worthy of interest. A low hum of chatter began as people started conversing and tried to ignore the most romantic, passionate, and tragic example of star crossed love it had ever been their voyeuristic pleasure to observe.
"I should get back to work, my break is over," she said striving for normalcy.
"Elizabeth," his voice was shaky and she couldn't remember ever hearing him be so hesitant, so unsure of himself. "I just want you and Jake to be happy, to have good ordinary lives. That's all I want-that's everything to me."
She smiled up at him in sad acceptance. "I know and we will. You don't need to worry about us." She started to walk away and then stopping, turned back to look at him, "Merry Christmas, Jason."
He had regained his composure and said gravely, "Merry Christmas, Elizabeth."
He stared after her retreating back, hungrily absorbing every aspect of her movement, her appearance. It would have to do until the next time he saw her and he had no idea when that would be.
"Say hello to your Uncle Jason," Robin had come up next to him and she was holding Emma out for him to take.
Ordinarily he would have backed off, refused to take her, wanting none of the stain, the danger represented by Jason Morgan to lay its shadow over an innocent baby. Still, this was no ordinary day and Jason gratefully accepted into his arms the little girl whose very existence he had doubted only hours before.
"Hey, Emma," he said looking down at her sleeping face as she lay in his arms. "She's beautiful," he said with reverence as he looked up at his dear friend.
"Yes, she is," Robin agreed complacently. "Tonight we're going to bring her here to listen to the reading of the Christmas Story. I can't believe that it will make two generations. I used to come to this same party when I was a kid."
Jason realized with a shock that it would make two generations for him as well-Jake would hear the same words that he used to hear every Christmas Eve. He only regretted that Jake's grandfather and his father, Alan Quartermaine, was no longer the reader. Jason would have liked them to have shared that bond even unknowingly as none of the Quartermaines were aware of Jake's existence.
"Have a good time," he said as he handed Emma back. "I am so happy that this dream of yours came true. I can't think of anyone who deserved it more."
Jason was looking at Robin with an intensity that made her feel a little awkward. It was like he had never seen her before or that she had just survived some perilous event but none of that was true…
"I'm exactly where I want to be. I wasn't always sure I would get here and you were an important part of my journey." She said it with complete sincerity. Jason Morgan would always occupy a unique space in her heart.
He ducked his head, embarrassed as usual whenever she tried to credit him with having any part in forming the person she had become. "I'm glad for you." He said simply as he turned to leave.
Robin watched him go, "He's not like anyone else you'll ever meet Emma," she said to her sleeping daughter. "He's such a good man in so many ways but he is also so lost. I don't know if he'll ever find his way. Yet, he's helped so many other people find their paths-just like he did for your Mom. So, we'll just have to keep wishing and hoping that someday he can live the life he deserves. That will be our Christmas wish for Jason-peace."
As Jason was reaching to push the elevator button a familiar voice with an underlying laugh in it said, "Gently now, gently."
"Touissant! What are you doing here? I thought you always worked the night shift." Jason had loved this man from the first day he had worked under his tutelage during his long summer of community service. He was delighted to see him now. This bittersweet day unexpectedly sparkled with pure pleasure as Jason turned to greet his friend whom he hadn't seen in so long.
"It's Christmas Eve, thought I'd come in and help out with the party and well…maybe see a certain someone." Touissant was looking over his shoulder and sending a beaming smile at Epiphany Johnson who pretended to glare at him as she tossed her head to show her disdain. As Touissant turned back to him, Jason still watching Epiphany saw a satisfied smirk spread across her face as she made some notations in a chart.
"Going to put the mistletoe to use?" Jason teased him, one of the few people in the world he felt comfortable doing so with, the other was Spinelli.
"Who's to say we haven't already?" Touissant responded with a smirk reminiscent of Epiphany's.
Jason laughed, he actually laughed. Several people stopped and stared at him in disbelief and then shook their heads as to clear their ears. "Had they heard that? No, they couldn't have…"
"Where's that floppy haired boy of yours? Always enjoy hearing him go on about this or that."
Jason's face turned somber as he looked at Touissant. He was perhaps the one person that he could tell the truth to without fear of being judged.
"We had a fight last night-my fault all of it. I was…drunk. I did and said some…unforgivable things. He left and like a goddamned idiot I let him go. He didn't come home last night and I need to find him. I just stopped by here first…" Well, that was one part he wasn't going to try and explain, no one was that understanding.
Touissant looked at him with sympathy and an apprehension that showed he had comprehended more than Jason had actually said. "Go find him, he's a good man, he'll forgive you. It's Christmas."
"Yeah," Jason was suddenly desirous of doing nothing more than finding Spinelli and setting everything right. Touissant was right, Spinelli would forgive him, he had to. The elevator arrived and he stepped in, "Merry Christmas, Touissant."
He received an upraised hand of farewell and a world caliber grin in response, "Tell the kid hi from me."
Jason walked into the Metro Court lobby, his palms slick with sweat, he was nervous. This was the first place he had come to that it was likely he would actually find Spinelli. He desperately wanted to see him and talk to him but he had no idea what he was going to say and more importantly he didn't know what Spinelli's reaction would be. Jason could understand if he was angry with him, even told him to stay away that Spinelli didn't want someone in his life who treated him so poorly. Jason could see all that and more importantly, agree with it as well. The problem was that Jason was beginning to recognize that it was possible, no probable, that he needed Spinelli more than Spinelli needed him. He thought he would do just about anything, say whatever worked to get Spinelli to come back home and forgive him or at least say that he could see doing so someday. So, nervous a little? Absolutely!
He was following a direct path to the elevators impatient to begin his penance in order to earn a fervently desired absolution when he saw Carly out of the corner of his eye. She was speaking to several guests and her charm and smile were at their full wattage but Jason could see the shadows in her eyes and the circles beneath them. Sighing to himself, he turned towards her. He knew that she was hurting and that he needed to step up as her friend. If nothing else he needed to make up for yesterday…
"It wasn't real!" he growled at himself as several people looked at him startled. "When was this overlay of these two Christmas Eves going to stop?" He thought in frustration.
"Jason!" Carly had finished speaking to the guests and was flinging her arms around him in an exuberant hug.
"Carly," he said returning her embrace in a more restrained fashion. "How are you?"
"Fine, what's not too love? Today's Christmas Eve, tonight Santa comes and tomorrow Morgan will open all his presents. He hit the jackpot this year, Jason." As she chattered at him, she was leading him to one of the lobby couches for a tête-à-tête.
"No, I mean really, how are you?" Jason was looking directly into Carly's eyes daring her to dissimulate with him.
Carly looked down at their entwined hands, she had yet to release him. When she raised her head, Jason could see tears sparkling in her eyes. She reached up with one hand and using her thumb impatiently wiped at the corners of her eyes.
"Not so good," she said in a low voice with a quirk of her lips. "It's the first Christmas, since Michael…" she took a deep breath, "since the shooting and I miss him, Jason I miss him so much!"
Suddenly she was in Jason's arms her head against his chest as ragged, keening sobs emitted from her. "I know Carly, I know…" Jason said soothingly as he rocked her and stroked her hair. "I miss him too, this time of year-Michael loved Christmas so much. It doesn't seem right that things are how they are."
"No, it isn't. It isn't right at all." She sobbed into his chest. His pullover was feeling distinctly damp but that seemed only appropriate as it had been Carly who had bought it for him. "He should be here with me and his brother. We should be a family-going to the hospital Christmas party, decorating the tree, opening presents." She looked at him and said in a whisper, "You know what makes it worse, Jason?"
He tilted her chin up and using his other hand wiped away the tear stains on her cheeks. "No, what?" He asked compassionately.
"The thing that makes it worse is that this…this is the first one," she paused to look up at him to see if he grasped what she was saying or he if was at least listening. Reassured by the attentive expression on his face, she continued.
"There will never be another Christmas with Michael-never. He'll never see the changes in Morgan over the years, never have a Christmas the year he's dating and is too cool to hang out with his family or have a Christmas where's he home from college and mostly eats a lot and has a ton of laundry, or a Christmas where he brings her over-you know, the one-the true love. He'll never come by with his own family or instill Christmas traditions in his own children. Instead there just will be Christmases with an empty space where Michael and all the parts of his life should be. I will see that void every year for the rest of my life. I don't know how I'll manage to get through it Jason. It isn't this year, bad as it is, it's all those endless years of should have beens and would have beens…"
Carly was finally still, drained of all emotion, of anything except a dull leaden feeling she had been carrying around in her stomach for months now. She closed her eyes wrapped her arms around Jason and lay her head on his shoulder.
Jason sat there holding her. His own eyes stung with tears as he contemplated the desolate future Carly had just outlined. He missed Michael fiercely and was doubly affected by what she had said because he was envisioning a similar cheerless future without Jake in his life. He knew it wasn't really the same thing that Jake was aware and happy and healthy, not unconscious and confined to a bed for the rest of his life like Michael. Still, it was so difficult to bear the thought of all the milestones Carly had outlined as passing for Jake without Jason there to witness a single one.
It had been less than twenty-four hours since he had envisioned a world without Spinelli and by default a dead Elizabeth and Jake. When he had woken this morning and discovered that the alternate reality hadn't become his world, he had been grateful and satisfied-simply glad that Jake and Elizabeth were safe and alive. Now already he was backsliding, feeling sorry for himself rather than recognizing his solitude as a natural consequence of the life choices he had made. It was this self-pity, this sense of there being no purpose to his life that had led to the fight with Spinelli and to his exposure to a world where things were truly untenable.
He needed to get a grip, pull it together and start moving forward by accepting how things were versus how they might have been. The truth was they might have been worse, much worse. He had been given some sort of cosmic second chance unlike the woman in his arms. He knew what Carly would have given to have Michael back whole and healthy-her soul, her very life. He couldn't diminish her grief or Spinelli's value by mourning a son who was perfectly happy and healthy.
"This stops now!" he said to himself grimly. "No more what ifs or drinking. I will get Spinelli back and that will be family enough. It has to be…"
Carly stirred in his arms and pulled back. Sitting up she brushed at her red eyes and ran her fingers through her hair. "I must look a mess, huh?" She said it with a shaky little laugh. Her competent tough exterior wasn't quite back in place yet.
"You look beautiful," Jason told her with a truthful simplicity that she could entirely trust. "You always do, no matter what."
She smiled at him, a sweet Carly smile that so few people except Jason, her sons, and a handful of others ever got to see. "Thanks Jason," she said. "I don't mean for saying I look good when I know I'm a mess-but thanks for that too…" She was serious now, looking him straight in the eye. "Thanks for just being here and holding me and listening to me and not just saying that it will all be all right so that you can feel better. That is what most people would have done." She paused, searching for the right words. "Thanks for being Jason, my friend who I can count on no matter what."
"You're welcome. You know you've done the same for me more times than I can even remember…"
Jason looked at Carly speculatively. He had been planning something since he had woken up this morning. Yet, he didn't know how he would accomplish both finding Spinelli and at the same time achieving his other goal-his Christmas surprise as it were.
Jason knew Carly very well, better perhaps than almost anyone. Even as depressed as she was, he knew that being distracted, having something constructive to do would take her mind temporarily off of Michael and the grief that had come to the fore during the holidays. He realized she would be far more efficient and effective than he would at accomplishing what was as yet only a vague outline in his mind. He was also aware that the biggest danger of setting Carly loose on this project was her tendency to color outside the lines, to do everything her way. Yet, this…this particular scenario had to happen Jason's way-just this once.
"Carly," he said to her slowly, still not sure if he was having a brilliant inspiration or was inviting disaster. "I know you're really busy with the holidays and the children's party and Morgan and all," he hesitated in a most uncharacteristic way.
"What is it Jason?" Carly looked at him encouragingly, it was strange to see Jason so diffident, so uncertain about what to say.
"I need a favor, there's something I have to do and there is another thing that I want to do and I don't think I have time to do the second thing the way it should be done and so I was wondering…"
He was actually babbling which Carly didn't think she had ever heard Jason do. No, she was sure now that she thought about it that she hadn't ever heard him talk like this in such imprecise terms. He seemed agitated and unsure and her heart went out to him.
"Sure, whatever you need, I'll do it. Just tell me what it is. Though I'll need to hear it explained a little bit slower and more clearly." Carly was silently laughing at the very fact that she had to admonish Jason to slow down and talk more distinctly. "Who would ever have thought this day would come?" She thought to herself in bemusement.
"You will, just like that?" He looked at her in amazed relief for once grateful for the impetuosity that was one of Carly's defining traits.
"Of course I will, Jason! How often do you ask me for a favor while I'm always barging into your life and expecting you to drop everything just to go along with some harebrained idea of mine. Although," she grinned at him, unable to resist having him on for a minute, "You usually tell me to take a hike when I do…"
"Carly," Jason started, unsure of what he needed to say so that she would agree to help him.
She laughed out loud, actually feeling happier and lighter than she had in a long time, "I'm just kidding, Jason, though the look on your face!" She giggled and then instantly repented as she saw familiar frown lines appearing between his eyes and across his forehead. She knew she had almost gone too far. "I'm sorry," she said sincerely. "Just tell me what you need and I'll do it."
"Well," Jason began, as he leaned in and began to talk to her quietly and with a certain urgency while Carly listened to him intently. When he was finished, he sat back and looked at her and asked her flatly, "Can you do all that?"
"Absolutely!" she caroled, "Oh, this is so exciting! It'll be fun."
"Carly," Jason warned her, he knew her all too well. "It has to be the way I said with all the people I mentioned, even if you have a problem with them yourself. This isn't about you or your feelings…"
In a way it actually was as Jason was hoping it would help her focus on something besides her guilt over Michael, but since that ulterior motive was understood only by him he couldn't afford to be indulgent towards her. He had made that mistake once too often in their relationship and lived to regret it.
Carly looked at him in mock offense, "Why Jason I would never do that!"
Except that they both knew she would totally do that if it suited her needs.
Still, today was Christmas Eve and she realized that Jason had entrusted her with a very important task and she wasn't going to disappoint him. She also knew that he was trying to keep her from dwelling too much on Michael and she loved him for it. She would do exactly as he had requested even if it killed her.
"It just might…" she reflected to herself, "considering some of things he asked me to do." Her pride was going to be on the line today and Jason had better consider this her Christmas present to him, she never knew what to get him anyway.
"You better not," he said trying but failing to insert his trademark steely glint into his eyes as he glared at Carly. It had never had any effect on her. He realized that he was just going to have to hope that she could do as he had requested without too much in the way of collateral damage.
Well, he'd done the best he could and now he needed to once again resume his hunt for Spinelli. "I have to go Carly," he said rising from the couch. "Thanks again for doing this for me." He started to walk away and then another thought hit him and he turned back. "I almost forgot-is Marty on duty today? I need to ask him something."
Surprised that Jason was even aware of who Marty was, Carly nodded, "Yes, but he's at lunch right now. He should be back in a couple of minutes."
"I'll catch him then. See you later Carly." He was once more heading with purpose for the bank of elevators that would deliver him to the Crimson offices.
Jason stepped out of the elevator into the foyer of the Crimson floor and immediately felt like he had walked into his version of hell. The Crimson Christmas party was in full swing. He didn't know how many people were there but it was way too many for his comfort level. The scene was chaotic with people dancing, chatting, and modeling clothing from the magazine's annual closet employee giveaway. Everything was occurring at full volume-the talking, the singing, the jazz combo-they all were an assault on Jason's ears.
Desperately he searched for Maxie or, if he had to, he would have even settled for Lulu again. There was no sign of either. Jason was grimly pushing his way through the crowd using his patented glare to gain him a valued circle of personal space when suddenly he came face to face with the doyenne of Crimson-Kate Howard.
"Kate," he said biting off the word, not bothering to conceal his dislike.
"Jason," she responded, she was one of the few people to ever match, and perhaps top, his own icy demeanor. "What brings you to our little Christmas soiree, not at all your type of event one would imagine."
"I'm looking for Maxie, is she here?" He knew better than to engage in verbal calisthenics with her, he would definitely lose.
"She's in my office, doing a few last minute things for me. Please don't distract her for long, we have some deadlines to meet."
Without a verbal acknowledgement or backward glance, Jason headed to Kate's office. "Really," she blew out her cheeks in exasperation, "That man!"
There were some advantages to being out of Sonny's life and she thought number one of the list might just be never having to listen to him bemoan how much he missed Jason in his life. Kate Howard herself would gladly never see Jason Morgan again. She hoped he wasn't going to make a habit of showing up at Crimson. Spinelli she could tolerate, even find useful now and again, but Jason…he was absolutely another story.
Pasting on her gracious hostess smile she moved through the melee wondering when she could realistically make her excuses and escape to the pathetic solitude of her exquisitely decorated home. "Oh, Sonny!" she thought biting her lower lip to keep sudden tears at bay, "I miss you so much…"
Jason stopped at the doorway to Kate's office. Maxie was indeed there, her back to Jason as she spoke on the phone. "I don't care if it's Christmas Eve. You promised us those proofs by 9 a.m. this morning and it's after 1 p.m. Well, that isn't my fault, I suggest that you get your own rear in gear and deliver them yourself if you expect any future business from Crimson in the upcoming new year." She listened to a responsive rant or explanation or pleading for all of thirty seconds before interrupting whoever was on the other end of the line. "Three o'clock today or our contract with you is terminated." She slammed down the receiver and said furiously, "Jerk! He's not the only one working Christmas Eve!"
Jason's lips quirked as he eavesdropped, "At least she sounds like herself," he thought, somewhat reassured.
Maxie had been the only person in his encounters that had actually shown him the results of the skewed reality he had been temporarily immersed in. People that were simply absent like Emma or even Spinelli or even those that were said to be dead, including the graves he had visited, somehow had done less to convince him than his short visit with Maxie. One look at her horribly scarred face had done much more to persuade him that he was in an alternate universe than all the frustrating and frightening conversations he had participated in.
So, now he waited with bated breath for her to turn around. Jason realized that for him to be assured that he was securely back in his everyday life everything hinged on what Maxie looked like… He couldn't even bring himself to call out to her, to let her know he was behind her.
Maxie took the decision about announcing his presence out of his hands by swinging abruptly around with a pile of files in her arms. She was halfway to the door before she registered his presence.
"Jason! What are you doing here?" Maxie was beyond startled, to see Jason Morgan in the mélange that was the Crimson Holiday party. Just encountering him at Crimson-had she ever seen him here? She thought not and the only reason that she could imagine which would be important enough to get him to brave such an antithetical environment…
"Has something happened to Spinelli? Is he okay? Why are you here Jason?" Her voice was shrill with anxiety as she stepped closer to him, the files slipping to the floor unnoticed in her freshly panicked state.
Two factors kept Jason from responding immediately to Maxie's agitated request for information and reassurance. The first was Maxie herself-or to be more accurate-her face. He knew finally and without reservation that everything was back to the way it should be or at least he would make it so when he tracked down Spinelli. Her face, her lovely face was unblemished except for the frown line between her eyes as she cocked her head and put her hands on her hips and opening her mouth was getting ready to let loose another barrage of questions.
Jason put up his hand to forestall her, "Maxie, just a minute, just give me a minute so that I can look at you." He was grinning like an idiot as he tipped her chin up and ran his hand down her left cheek from her eye to her jaw. It was smooth and unmarked and he was so grateful…
The other thing that made him almost giddy with relief was Maxie's spontaneous mention of Spinelli. She was the first person who had referenced him without being prompted. Still, it all made sense to Jason, she was the one he would have most expected to think of him, to bring him up, to be concerned about him.
Until this very moment Jason hadn't entirely comprehended how thoroughly his nightmare journey into an intolerable alternate reality had affected him. It took seeing Maxie once again whole and healthy and spunky and worried about Spinelli to banish the last fragments of his fear and despair.
"Jason," Maxie said his name slowly, tentatively as though she was unsure what he might do or say.
She had never seen Jason smile so freely. It lightened his whole face and made him look both younger and approachable. Yet, it was because Jason Morgan was smiling that she was beginning to get seriously freaked.
Then there was the whole "let me look at you" line and the physical contact. Touching was not a Jason attribute-unless, she presumed-though never really wanting any kind of actual proof, it occurred during the full body contact type found in hot, steamy sex.
"Well, if I were being honest," she mused staring mesmerized into the depths of his sapphirine eyes, "I might have thought about it a time or two…"
Suddenly, remembering that she was supposed to be grilling Jason about Spinelli, she ripped her gaze away from his and with the loss of eye contact she was able to step back away from such close physical proximity with him. Once again in control of her emotions (or was it her hormones?) she asked with determination, "Is he all right? Spinelli?"
When Maxie broke their communion it tore Jason out of his own meditative trance and he tried to answer her as honestly as he could without causing her any further alarm. "I don't know where he is right now. We had a fight and he left the penthouse to cool down and think about things. It was all on me and I'm looking for him to set things right. I thought he might have come to you…" He intentionally didn't mention the fact that their confrontation had happened last night as he knew that would only make her more upset.
"No, I haven't seen or heard from him today. It's been crazy here and Kate's been dumping a lot of extra work on me. I've barely had a moment to breathe." She stopped and looked at Jason suspiciously, "What did you say to Spinelli? Did you hurt his feelings? Jason, he worships you and he's so sensitive. You don't realize how much the things you say can mess him up. He must have felt bad to have left like that. Maybe I should come with you and help you find him. He might talk to me rather than you. Let me just get my purse…"
"Maxie!" he felt like he was being pelted by words and he was desperate to stop the endless flow of verbiage. Ever since Spinelli and then Maxie had entered his life it had become a lot noisier. While he wouldn't trade either of them for anything he sometimes mourned the lost quietude of his prior life.
"You have things to do here for Kate and I have to find Spinelli myself. I said and did things that I need to ask his pardon for. It's not for you to resolve."
Maxie was intensely curious as to what the disagreement had been about but she knew that Spinelli would tell her when she saw him. It was to Jason's credit that he was assuming the culpability and seemed genuinely repentant and eager to fix things. She often thought that he treated Spinelli too cavalierly and took him too much for granted. She was glad that he finally seemed to be recognizing how special he was and how important it was to show him appropriate respect.
"Maybe this will be Jason and Spinelli's Christmas miracle," she reflected. Maxie wasn't as cynical as everyone perceived her to be.
"So, I'm going to go find Spinelli and you're going to get back to work." Once again Jason had moved close to her, he bent down and brushed his lips across her cheek, caressing it one last time. "I'll see you later, Maxie," his lips quirked as he saw the astounded expression on her face. Turning towards the door he took a deep breath and once again plunged into the crowd of partygoers who had become progressively drunker, noisier and rowdier in the short time Jason had spent at the Crimson offices.
Astonished, Maxie reached up to touch her cheek. Jason Morgan had kissed her! She knew nothing alcoholic had crossed her lips all day but how else to explain the inexplicable? Maybe it was a planetary alignment thingy or something, Spinelli would know.
"Spinelli!" she thought flustered, "Tonight is Christmas Eve and if I want to spend it with him, I should get back to work.
Maxie bent down to pick up the scattered files. Once she put these back she had several more calls to make before she could leave. After all, she wasn't called Kate Howard's hatchet girl for no reason…
Jason was grateful to find himself back in the orderly world of the Metro Court lobby, he felt like he had been trapped in a den of hyenas for the last half hour. How people thought an even like that was fun was beyond him. Give him a nice solitary motorcycle ride anytime.
He walked over to the lobby desk and found the head clerk on duty. "Marty right?" He had seen him around talking to Carly and Jax and he knew that he and Spinelli were somewhat friendly.
Marty definitely knew who Jason was. He wasn't entirely comfortable to be looking up into his forbidding eyes even though he couldn't imagine what he could possibly have done to put himself on the wrong side of the mob boss.
"Yes sir, may I help you?" He retreated into his professional persona, it always facilitated him in dealing with the most difficult and demanding of guests and he thought it couldn't hurt in this unorthodox encounter.
"Yeah, you're friends with my roommate Spinelli right?"
"Yes, I know him." Marty replied cautiously not sure if admitting to the connection was a beneficial or negative thing.
"Well, I need a favor and usually I would go to him but I can't for this. He says you're good with computers."
Actually it was more along the lines of, "he has mediocre capabilities at best Stone Cold but his intentions are pure." Jason thought that repeating Spinelli's assessment verbatim might not be the best approach to take. He had more diplomatic skills than most people gave him credit for. Spinelli knew that he was capable of being tactful though. He felt a pang as he thought of the high regard his friend held him in. Jason fervently hoped that it wasn't all irretrievably destroyed by his impulsive actions of the previous evening. .
"Spinelli said that?" Marty was visibly preening now, his misgivings of a moment ago all but forgotten.
"I only hope you can help me," Jason said further challenging the young man's pride as he bent towards him creating an exclusive and conspiratorial atmosphere for their hushed discussion.
A few moments later with his business finally completed and when he was ready to renew his quest for Spinelli, Jason was leaving the Metro Court. As he passed the gift shop decked out for the holidays an object in the window caught his eye. He immediately went into the shop and exited not five minutes later with his purchase tucked securely in the pocket of his leather jacket.
While he had been in the hotel it had started snowing. Jason lifted his head to look at the falling flakes as he was assaulted by a strong feeling of déjà vu. It had started snowing at this exact time yesterday…"except it hadn't," he told himself. He was becoming increasingly more irritated and frustrated with his mind which couldn't seem to separate the dream from reality. The discord between the two was seriously beginning to disconcert him.
"I need to find Spinelli soon," he told himself as a hint of desperation colored his thoughts. Somehow he recognized that everything would stay slightly out of alignment until Spinelli was safely back where he belonged at home with Jason.
It was several hours later and Jason was still no closer to locating Spinelli. He had gone to both the bus and train stations but once there was unsure how to proceed. For one thing, if Spinelli were intent on leaving town to go somewhere-say back to Tennessee-he would have done so last night or at the latest early this morning.
The other confounding issue, one that made Jason feel even worse, if that was even possible, was that he realized he didn't even have a photograph of Spinelli to show the various clerks, workers and bystanders at either location. He didn't have a small one tucked inside his wallet, he didn't have one sitting in his cell phone (not that he even was mindful enough to know if or how his phone took photos), and he certainly didn't have one sitting back on the mantelpiece in the penthouse keeping company with the pictures of Michael, Morgan, and Emily.
Once again Jason was made painfully aware of his inadequate ability to show that he indeed cared for and valued Spinelli. A photograph was one of the easiest things to acquire in this digital age. Yet, he simply had never bothered to take one or at the very least request one from Spinelli himself. Though truth be told, Jason strongly suspected that there weren't many more photographs of the Jackal in existence than there had proven to be of his absent mother. He didn't know the reason for the lack of maternal pictures but he suspected that Spinelli never thought himself worthy of the waste of the pixels-or whatever they were-that it would take to "capture his image for posterity" as Jason could envision him phrasing it.
In other words, it was all just another example of how Jason's offhand and indifferent treatment of Spinelli managed to reinforce his already damaged ego. He sighed tiredly as he thought of all the missteps he had made in his interactions with the kid and how difficult it would be to repair them. He was determined to try though.
He should have long since understood how important Spinelli had become to him but, after the events of the last day, he was no longer willing to live in a Stone Cold-Jackal version of don't ask, don't tell. He was going to inform his roommate, his friend, his brother of exactly how much Jason respected, cared for and needed him. He would even use the l-word if it were necessary to get the point across.
Jason also understood, because he knew Spinelli so well, that he wouldn't simply say all these things once and then everything would all magically be settled and never need to be referred to again. Part of Jason's punishment-and that is how he perceived it, he was being punished and rightfully so-would be to have multiple emotional dialogues, full fledged discussions about feelings and actions and consequences. Jason would rather take a hail of bullets for Spinelli than engage in one such painful discussion. Yet, he had already resigned himself to the knowledge that these dreaded conversations would occur as many times as required until Spinelli finally recognized, accepted and, most importantly, felt secure in Jason's regard, trust, and love.
After observing firsthand the multitude of gifts that Spinelli had brought to Jason's life he knew that he could never really discharge his debt to him. Still, it was also true, and he was only beginning to dimly discern this concept, that love-real love-wasn't about owing or debts or score cards. No, love wasn't about any of that, love at its most basic was merely the honest effort to do right by the other person.
Spinelli did that all the time, with an enviable artlessness that he was entirely unaware of possessing. It wasn't the first time in their acquaintance that Jason had cause to recognize the greater purity and compassion present in Spinelli particularly when contrasted with his own actions. The difference this time was that Jason had finally figured out that he wanted to give back at least some small fraction of what he took. He wanted to be the one who helped Spinelli cope with life and feel better about himself instead of always draining him like an emotional vampire.
So, as he wandered around Port Charles trying without success to find Spinelli, he mourned the fact that he didn't even have a picture of this person that was so vital to his past, his present, and-he fervently hoped-his future. It would have saved him trying to describe the indescribable and it would have given him a concrete reminder of what he was fighting for.
The bus and train stations had failed to produce any Spinelli sightings. Jason couldn't be bothered with trying the airport, for some reason he just knew Spinelli hadn't gotten on a plane, he actually doubted he had left town at all. He had also checked the Port Charles library as well as every web café and bookstore listed in the phone book.
Then Jason had methodically called every person he could think of that Spinelli might have contacted or sought shelter with-Sam McCall, Lulu Spencer, Diane Miller, Mike Corbin…the list was longer than Jason had expected. He had to be careful to ask about Spinelli's whereabouts without arousing anyone's suspicions or concerns. He didn't want a full fledged search initiated for Spinelli, at least not yet, for now this was between the two of them.
He realized that it was getting late, dusk was starting to descend and the snowfall was becoming increasingly heavier. Jason was beginning to feel frantic, he hadn't anticipated not being able to find Spinelli. He didn't know what he would do if he couldn't locate him soon but he was running out of places to look.
He was roused from his dismal thoughts by the sound of an organ and saw that he was in front of Sonny's parish church, Queen of Angels. Light was spilling out from the stained glass windows onto the snow in the forecourt. Jason cold, wet, and despondent was drawn to something in the church. It was irresistible the desire to enter this sacred place on this most holy of evenings. Jason who was usually immune to the call of the spiritual felt he had no choice but to enter.
Somehow even the simple act of stepping across the threshold into the welcoming warmth of the nave lightened his burden. A thin nervous looking man who was placing booklets into the pews looked up at Jason's entrance and moved towards him. "I'm sorry sir, the carol service isn't for another half hour and we're still in the process of preparing for it."
"I…I just needed someplace to…" he didn't know why he had come into the church he realized, just that he felt compelled to do so.
"To pray?" The man asked quietly and with understanding. "If you go through those doors," he was pointing to the left side of the church. "There's a little chapel dedicated to Saint Jude. It's quiet there, good for contemplation."
Jason nodded his head in awkward thanks and turned in the direction indicated. He found himself in a small room with several rows of wooden pews all facing towards the altar. Above the altar was a dim painting of a balding, bearded man with an axe over one shoulder-Jason supposed this was a representation of the saint himself. To the right of the altar were several wooden tiers covered in small pebbled red glasses each one holding a votive candle, many of which were lit and their flames flickered hypnotically.
Jason tentatively walked towards the rows of candles. He knew that each one represented a prayer from a supplicant and while he didn't even know if he believed in any God, never mind a Catholic one, he didn't see how it could hurt to put in a request of his own. He saw there was a plaque attached to the wall above the candles he had to get within a few inches of it to be able to read it in the diffuse light of the chapel. The sign read: Saint Jude, Hope of the Hopeless, Pray for me.
The irony of that plain statement of hope and misery intertwined took Jason's breath away. It seemed to indicate that he had come to the right place after all. Infinitesimally smaller print on the plaque informed him that a one dollar donation per lit candle was considered the going rate for eradicating hopelessness in the modern world.
"Quite a bargain," Jason thought to himself with a grim twist of his lips as he pushed a ten dollar bill into the collection box and lit two candles.
One was for finding Spinelli and the other for the elusive peace on Earth that tonight was always supposed to, but never did, deliver. Right about now they each seemed equally futile causes to Jason. He moved to stand in front of the altar where he closed his eyes and bowed his head. He cleared his thoughts of everything-his worry, his fear, his anger at himself and concentrated on only one person-Spinelli.
Surprised, because he really didn't think his time in the church would do anything except give him a brief cessation from his heretofore fruitless search, he felt a sense of peace slowly envelope him. After a few minutes he gave himself a mental shake. "This isn't about me," he told himself sternly. "It's about finding Spinelli before it's too late." Too late for what, he didn't quite know. It was just that there was a pervasive sense of urgency in his need to locate him. With newfound resolution he strode briskly towards the chapel exit, walking past the pews on his way out. He was putting out his hand to push open the swinging doors when he stopped in mid-motion.
It couldn't be. He hadn't really seen that, had he? Slowly he turned his head, looking down the row of pews nearest him to the left. :
"Spinelli!" The shout erupted from his throat distorting the calm and serenity of the small chapel. He was moving down the narrow space between two pews, coming abreast with the recumbent figure lying there, his eyes just flickering open with a dazed expression. "Spinelli," this time it was said as a whisper tinged with awe. "It's really you."
"Stone Cold?" He was barely awake. "What are you doing here?" Spinelli sat up slowly, stretching his arms over his head and yawning.
"I've been looking for you everywhere." Jason stopped and stared up at the picture above the altar, he shook his head in disbelief. "Are you all right?"
He sat down next to Spinelli and looked at him searchingly. He reached out for his hands and drew in his breath. The cuts on his palms were red and sore looking. Spinelli drew his hands back out of Jason's grasp and crossed his arms defensively across his chest.
"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" He was trying to sound defiant. "The Jackal can take care of himself you know."
"I know, I know you can. It doesn't mean that I don't worry about you anyway…" Jason tried to placate him, aware that almost anything he said could be interpreted wrongly by Spinelli at this moment.
"Stone Cold," he looked at Jason in puzzlement, "Stone Cold was worried about the Jackal?" Spinelli seemed unable to grasp such a concept.
"What do you think?" Jason said in exasperation. All the fear and concern of the past day was catching up with him and before he could stop himself he was doing exactly what he had pledged not to and once again taking his emotional state out on the last person deserving of it.
Abashed, Spinelli immediately cast his eyes down at the floor and mumbled. "The Jackal begs Stone Cold's pardon if he was the cause of usurping his time from more valuable pursuits. Be assured he did so unwittingly."
"Spinelli," Jason was furious with himself but he knew he had to keep that sentiment out of his tone because otherwise his roommate would presume it was directed at him. So, taking a deep breath in order to regain his self control, he started speaking in a soft and gentle tone. "You are a 'valuable pursuit', the only one I'm interested in at the moment. Of course I was concerned when you didn't come home last night. I was afraid that something might have happened to you. Mostly though I have been searching for you so I can apologize, tell you how badly I feel about how I behaved last night."
"But…" Spinelli was stammering and he had yet to look up at Jason, "but it was the Jack…my fault that everything happened. I shouldn't have wreaked such havoc in our-your abode. I ruined fair Emily's special gift to you and I upset you when you already have enough distractions and it wasn't right for me to be a further encumbrance on you…"
"You didn't do anything that terrible but I did. I overreacted and I threw a knife at you Spinelli-when I was drunk! I could have seriously hurt you or even killed you. It was unforgivable!"
Spinelli was now looking directly at Jason his green eyes glowing with confusion. "You were upset. You would never intentionally harm the Jackal, he knows that well."
"No, you don't get to say what I did was okay Spinelli. It isn't all right for me to get angry or drunk and then take it out on you because you're convenient or because you never hold it against me. I also destroyed all your mother's ornaments and for that I am so so sorry, I know that I can't do anything to make it up to you. I would understand if you hated me for what I did last night." Jason's voice was trembling and his eyes were shiny with unshed tears.
"Hate you!" Spinelli was gazing at Jason astounded. "No, I could never hate you Jason. You're my…well, suffice it to say I owe everything to you. You provided me with shelter and so much more. When I cast my eye back on whom the Jackal was upon his arrival in Port Charles and who he is now, the transformation is due almost entirely to your munificence in providing him with guidance and the true hand of friendship."
Jason sighed with relief at Spinelli's heart felt response, he now knew that there was a chance he could repair what had gone wrong between them. "I didn't do everything I could have though Spinelli. You give so much of yourself and request so little in return and that's not the way it should be. I don't want it to be like that anymore." He bit his lip as he thought about what he needed to say next. "Spinelli, when I woke up ("which day?" he thought in bemusement) and you weren't there, it made me think-which is something I don't do as often as I should." He gave a crooked grin trying to lighten the mood a little.
Spinelli just looked at him appraisingly waiting for him to finish. Jason sighed and continued, "It made me think of all the tings you've done for me and all the times you've helped me since you have come into my life. I mean I guess I knew this stuff subconsciously Spinelli but when I started seeing what it all involved, how many people you affected and helped-even saved. I owe you more than I can ever repay."
"The Jackal has no idea what deeds Stone Cold is referring to… He has no recollection of these events wherein he performed any heroic acts. He has only ever played the role of tech support for his Master as he has pursued evildoers and rectified grievous wrongs."
Jason rubbed his forehead in frustration, Spinelli's low self-esteem was a perennial barrier to his ability to recognize his achievements and his abilities. Jason had sporadically tried to make him see how talented and special he was but with little success and then he had thoroughly undermined all his previous efforts through the debacle that occurred last night.
"You are more than your cyber skills Spinelli. You are incredibly smart, intuitive, compassionate, you see the best in people, and you don't judge others. I have been so fortunate that you chose me to be your mentor but the truth is that you have guided me. You have helped me in so many ways. I have grown to rely on you and I trust you implicitly. When I thought you might have decided to leave for good after what happened last night…" Jason paused overwhelmed by the bleakness of his experience, the lessons learned that he had sworn to implement. "I realized that I would lose more than a roommate, more than a business associate, more than tech support, I would lose my brother…"
There he'd said it. He held his breath waiting for Spinelli's response to his admission, his declaration of how he really felt.
"Jason," Spinelli was momentarily speechless, a novel condition for him. "I…I am indeed gratified that you would tender such kind albeit exaggerated praise upon the humble head of your acolyte. I too have come to feel a familial bond with you-a blend of fraternal and filial sentiments as it were. I just never," he stopped and swallowed, he didn't want to cry in front of stoic Stone Cold. "Never thought that my feelings would be reciprocated."
Jason had been listening to him intently, trying earnestly for once to decode the Spinelli-speak instead of letting it just wash over him with only a vague comprehension of the overall sense of the speech. He smiled slightly when he heard Spinelli tell him that he viewed him as a mixture of a father and a brother, somehow that felt just right to Jason.
"I know that's my fault for not making my feelings clear. Last night, I was so terrible to you that you probably thought I didn't care at all. I should have stopped you from leaving and told you all this then. I was drunk and not thinking straight and it's no excuse. Spinelli, I know I have no right to ask after what happened but do you think you could possibly…I mean not now of course but maybe someday…forgive me?"
Jason was openly crying now, he reached up with the palm of his hand and swiped ineffectually at the tears which continued falling. "I shouldn't have asked. It's too soon. I am just happy that you're willing to speak to me that everything isn't ruined. The other can wait, until some other time when you're ready."
Spinelli's eyes were registering some emotion that Jason couldn't quite define. "I can't forgive you Stone Cold."
Jason's heart plummeted at the unexpected words. "Really though," he told himself, trying to be reasonable and understanding, "Spinelli has to have his limits too. What I did was indefensible."
Still, he couldn't quell the rising ache that was threatening to consume him at the idea of losing Spinelli's regard and trust. He started to speak but he didn't know what he was going to say. He just wanted Spinelli to know that he could accept it if he couldn't forgive him.
Before he could say anything though, Spinelli continued on, "I can't forgive you because there isn't anything to forgive. I know that last night was…unfortunate. We each said and did things that we now regret but that happens in all relationships. It's actually a sign of closeness when people have such an opportunity as to view one another's personal demons. You have often seen the Jackal's myriad shortcomings and failings. Yet, you seldom have made him feel the lesser for them. Why would he then when exposed to an aberration in behavior on his Master's part be any less generous in his understanding?"
Jason looked at Spinelli in astonishment, "I wrecked the tree, I smashed the decorations, I threw a knife at you. I don't just get a pass for doing all that Spinelli, just because I felt sorry for myself and was drunk."
"I think we both know that it was more than a simple case of self pity Jason. You were struggling with the loss of your family-your son. The fact that you can never acknowledge him, never watch him grow, never teach him all the things you have to offer a child. You snapped under an intolerable burden-a lesser man would have done it sooner and gone further."
"Oh, so it's okay to take it out on my other family, my other son?" The last word sounded odd but totally right at the same time. Still, he couldn't allow Spinelli to let him off so easily, not when he wasn't even done castigating himself.
Spinelli hadn't missed his newly granted filial status either and as much as it gratified him, he had to focus on finding the right words to help Jason. "Yes, if that's what it takes, then yes. Families are unwieldy, ungainly entities and frequently dysfunctional. Yet, when someone in a family is in distress or suffering and they lash out it is up to the others to ground them and to help them come to terms with the situation. I would gladly take that role a thousand times over to help Stone Cold deal with what is unquestionably a most daunting and emotionally stressful time in his life."
Jason didn't know what else to do, what else to say in the face of Spinelli's adamant refusal to see him as anyone but a person who under the effects of a terrible compulsion had struck out in pain at the one nearest to him. He wanted his condemnation followed by his pardon and had instead received his full understanding and compassion. It was like trying to fight the snow outside, a force greater than he could contend against.
Still, even if Jason could manage to somehow internally resolve and put to rest his own behavior the previous night-it might just be theoretically possible to accept throwing the knife, demolishing the tree, and letting Spinelli leave. Yet, the one thing he knew he couldn't get past was obliterating the Christmas ornaments, Spinelli's only tangible link to his mother.
Hesitantly, Jason brought up that painful memory, "What about the ornaments, Spinelli, how can you simply forgive my destruction of those irreplaceable connections to your Mother?"
Spinelli looked down at the floor once more as he struggled to answer Jason. His response when it came was emotional and transparently honest. "Last night, at first, I was blazingly angry at you Jason. It's why I had to vacate the penthouse so that I didn't do or say anything that might not be retractable at a later date. I have had almost twenty-four hours to reflect upon what transpired and have since reached the obvious conclusion. The ornaments," and now he gazed at Jason with a small wistful smile on his lips. "They were of sentimental value and indeed beautiful which alone makes them intrinsically worthwhile. Yet, no matter what they are still just objects, only things-they aren't my Mother, just something I built up in my head as a representation of her. She can't have even cared for them that much as she left both of us behind-them and me." A ragged sob caught in his throat as he continued. "The Jackal must have displeased her very much. Perhaps he was found unworthy of being loved…"
Tears were streaming unchecked down his face as he looked at Jason forlornly, he radiated absolute misery. Jason without thinking pulled Spinelli towards him and folded his arms around him with his chin resting on top of his brother's head. He held him wrapped in his protective and fierce embrace, angry beyond words at the unknown woman who could have been so unforgivably cruel to his boy. He just rocked Spinelli, at first not saying anything, not trusting that what might come out of his mouth would only make things worse.
After a few minutes, Spinelli seemed quieter but he made no move to detach himself from Jason. Jason also felt more composed and he understood that he had to try and reach him, to somehow make this long festering abandonment better for him.
"Spinelli I can't pretend to know why your Mother left you. I do know that it wasn't in any way your fault. A child depends on others, he's entirely innocent and shouldn't be held responsible for the wrong decisions that adults sometimes make. I can't imagine ever wanting to leave you-with those eyes and that smile and all this hair." Jason pushed back and looked down at Spinelli who stared up with his tear streaked face as he absorbed every word. He grinned down at him, "You must have been a pretty cute kid-if only you had held onto that!"
"Stone Cold!" Jason was relieved to hear the return of a protesting whine to his brother's tone.
"Maybe she was too young, or felt overwhelmed, or was ill or any of a million other reasons," he continued, once more serious as he gazed directly into Spinelli's eyes. "You have to try and make peace with the idea that you may never know. Whatever the reason though, it's on her not you. You didn't do anything wrong Spinelli. You couldn't possibly, even if you tried," Jason gave a sharp nod of emphasis, never once breaking eye contact. "Anyway," he continued feeling his way cautiously. "It's her loss, not getting to know what a remarkable and amazing son she had; missing out on the chance to see you grow into a man that any parent would be proud to claim."
Spinelli was actually squirming, trying to get out of Jason's embrace. He wouldn't meet Jason's eyes any longer and he knew the reason why. Spinelli couldn't stand to hear himself so straightforwardly praised. He was always more than ready to believe and accept any criticism directed his way but (with the exception of his cyber skills) he was unable to hear his virtues extolled without interpreting it as either a cruel hoax or a case of unearned approbation.
Jason declined to let him go. "Spinelli," he said sharply, "look at me!" At first he refused to comply, steadfastly looking down or to the side, anywhere but at Jason. Yet, Jason patiently waited him out and finally, with a sigh of resignation, he gave him a sidelong glance. It was enough Jason grabbed his chin and tilted his head up forcing him to make eye contact.
"Any parent would be proud to claim you." He reiterated firmly. "What your Mother lost in not getting to know you was my gain. I doubt very much that you would have ever come to Port Charles if she had stayed in your life. I can't visualize my life without you Spinelli, I really can't. You've done so much for me, you don't even know…"
He smiled wryly at the bewildered young man who for the second time that night had failed to comprehend what specifically he had done for Jason that was so priceless. Someday Jason knew he would spell it out for him but tonight was about something different, about cementing their bond.
"I am so honored that you chose me to be in your life. I didn't appreciate it at first but now I know how lucky, how truly blessed I am. I love you very much and I need you to know that." Jason had finally stated the crux of the matter, he sensed anything else he would try to say would be anticlimactic.
Spinelli sat in stunned silence. All his senses were on overload as he tried to analyze everything Jason had done and said ever since he had stumbled across him in the chapel. In the course of one short day he had gone from being convinced that he would be thrown bag and baggage out of the only true home he had ever known or desired to a place where he was being assured that he was indeed loved and wanted by the one person he respected and admired above all others. He knew that he would still have to grapple with the questions and uncertainties that always confounded his existence. Still, this seemed the closest thing to a miracle that Spinelli could ever hope to experience. Well, he knew the appropriate response to a miracle.
"Jason," he had finally found his voice though it seemed he could only emit a choked whisper. "I don't, I don't…I love you too." The overwhelming simplicity and power of those three small words never ceased to inspire awe.
Jason let out his breath in a relieved sigh. It was going to be all right. He had Spinelli back. He never wanted to come this close to losing him again.
He reached over and ruffled Spinelli's hair, "Good thing it's mutual then. It's hard enough for guys to talk about this stuff, just think how awkward it would have been if you had just left me hanging…"
He was kidding but Spinelli could hear the remnants of the underlying fear that perhaps he would have been left with his declaration unreciprocated or even unrecognized. He was taken a back, he had never suspected that Stone Cold had struggles with any of the same insecurities that plagued the Jackal.
He supposed it was common to all human beings the need to be loved and wanted. Yet, because of the pain that accompanied rejection everyone as they grew older found various ways to cover their yearning for love and affection. Spinelli had mistaken Jason's stoic self-sufficiency for a statement that he didn't require companionship on his life's journey. It seemed that he had been in error and not only that but the cohort he had chosen was the Jackal himself.
Shyly he said, "It's Christmas Eve, Jason. Perhaps we ought to return home (now there was a word he could get used to saying!) and clean up the disorder in the penthouse. Unless of course Stone Cold has already tended to it, the Jackal knows how much his Master deplores clutter and mess."
"No, I didn't get to it. I was focused on finding you." He couldn't possibly tell Spinelli how happy he was to see both the disaster areas that were his bedroom and the living room this morning. He would think his roommate had gone crazy if he did.
"It's getting late though and I think we should head home." Jason stood up and reached a hand down for Spinelli who swayed a little as he gained his feet. "Did you eat anything at all today?" He asked him suspiciously.
"Did you Stone Cold?" Spinelli replied with unexpected asperity.
"Fair enough," Jason grinned at him affectionately. "Home it is then and we'll see what's in the kitchen. It's going to be a proper meal though-vegetables and all."
"Stone Cold," Spinelli groaned following him out into the main church, "It's Christmas, take pity on your poor grasshopper!"
They both stopped short, since Jason had come in the pews had gone from being empty to being almost entirely occupied. The man Jason had encountered on his arrival noticed them coming out of the side chapel. He walked towards them, giving Spinelli an appraising glance as though he didn't quite understand where he had appeared from. "Here are the carol booklets for the service," he said trying to hand them to Jason.
"Uh, thanks but we weren't intending to stay. We need to get back home."
"Please, Stone Cold, can we stay? My granny used to take me to the carol services every Christmas Eve. It's one of my favorite memories…" He looked up at Jason like an eager puppy.
"Looks like we'll be joining in after all," he said receiving the booklets from the man who then guided them to a pew where they could squeeze into the end.
Almost immediately the organ started up and the congregation began on the first carol of the service "O Come All Ye Faithful." Jason wasn't intending to do much more than lip sync the words but before he could even start doing that he was stopped by the remarkable sounds coming from his left. He gaped as he turned towards Spinelli entirely astounded. He had no idea that the young man could sing like that! All around him, people were stopping and faltering, simply content to listen as Spinelli's voice soared and joined flawlessly with the choir. Spinelli was oblivious to all the attention he was garnering. His concentration was entirely on the music. Tears once again sprang to Jason's eyes as he closed them and let the music and Spinelli's voice transport him to a realm of pure bright emotion where nothing dark lingered.