A/N: Hulloa, and welcome to the fic of DOOM.

Disclaimer: We dun own Death Note or the Outsiders, which this is spoofing.

Warning: First off, this story was written at three o'clock in the morning, when Miss Samantha and I were both dead-er than doornails. It involves yaoi, and is very, very, cracky.

When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the dark abyss known as Wammy's House, I had only seven things on my mind: Not Paul Newman, L, my Gameboy Colour, chain smoking, U2, spoons, and Mello's uber-sexiness. I was wishing I looked like Bono-- he looks so pretty, and I don't --but I guess my looks aren't so bad. I mean, Mello says I'm really hot, so... yeah. I am. Because what he says goes. Alright? Alright.

So, there I was, merrily skipping down the street, when this crazy man with jam stains on his shirt jumped out of a burning bush, and began to assault me with a unicorn whose expression read, "I will fuck you up". It was very unpleasant, being beaten by a unicorn in a Madras shirt.

Not being able to fight back, because I am a weak little gamer boy, I began shrieking like a little girl, or maybe Aizawa. Of course, this just happened to alert everyone in my gang, since that's totally what happens in real life. But, I guess that doesn't matter, because they fought the unicorn and the jam-guy off me. Except Misa. She just sat there.

:INSERT HUGE-ASS INFO DUMP HERE:

First, there was L. L is like, freaking God. I'm third in line to be his successor, you know. Anyway, he looked suspiciously like the bloke who jumped me. He has these really whack eyes with way too much eyeliner, which he uses to mask the bags there, which are thanks to him getting no sleep whatsoever. He has shitty posture. It's annoying.

There's also Light IMAGAY. His real last name is Yagami, but it's pretty much the same thing, you know? He has better posture than L. But I think he's evil. He has no soul.

Misa enjoys Light IMAGAY way too much. She rapes him. In public. I'm not even sure why she's in our gang, because she doesn't actually do anything. She just stands there and takes up our oxygen like Spencer does. And sexually assault gay-man, who's too busy staring at L to notice.

Roger's next. I don't know why he's in our gang, either. Because he should be doing more productive things, like being the guardian for the other kids at Wammy's like he's supposed to do. Whatta flake, amirite?

Then there is Near. He is a freaky albino child with freaky finger puppets that he made with his own hands. And Transformers. Which he did not make with his own hands. But he made them with his feet, which takes mad skillz, yo.

Finally, there is Mello. I'm his manwhore. But that's okay, because we wouldn't have it any other way. He's amazing. However, he's nationality-confused (and maybe a little gender-confused?). No one really knows if he's Russian, German, or Welsh. Or a Waleman. I think he's all of them.

:END HUGE-ASS INFO DUMP HERE:

"Did he pull a UNICORN on you, MAIL JEEVAS?!" L asked in a very loud and paranoid manner. "There is a 99.67% chance that he did!"

"Y-yeah..." I choked out. Crying over very minimal unicorn wounds is embarrassing. I mean, this one time, some dudes pulled a unicorn on Mello, and when we found him, the mythical creature really had fucked him up. He cried then, too, but that was understandable.

...damn, he's really sexy when he cries...

ANYHOW!

"Um, like, you're bleeding," Misa offered unsympathetically from her perch on the pavement. "It's gross. Clean it up."

"GOD!" Mello yelled. "SOME DUDE PULLED A FUCKING UNICORN ON MY MANWHORE AND YOU WANT HIM TO WIPE UP THE BLOOD?! BETCH!"

They then proceeded to get into a sissy slap fight, until Light threatened to write their names down in the Death Note.

They straightened up after that.

"Well, that unicorn-wielding bastard ain't gonna hurt you no more," L assured me.

"That was improper grammar," Near tossed out, looking up from his creepy finger puppets. "Spoken correctly, that would be: "That unicorn-wielding bastard is not going to hurt you any more". But, whatever. Anybody wanna go see a movie tomorrow?"

Like I totally wasn't just bleeding all over the sidewalk or anything.

"We can't," Light said, gesturing to Misa and himself, whilst rolling his eyes. "She's making me do stuff."

Misa clapped enthusiastically. Moron.

"Umm.. I'm gonna get drunk or something, even though I'm supposed to be responsible here," Roger told us. "But I'll catch up with you guys if I'm not completely pissed by then."

"Oooh! I wanna go!" I said happily, even though I was bleeding... on the ground...

"And, I mean, if he's going, I'm going." Mello nodded in affirmation.

"I have to be Darry-like, and sit at home and worry about Matt and Mello. No thanks," L added.