What If… Chapter 2

I blushed now as I stood in front of Jacob, wearing an old tank and faded blue jeans and him in nothing but a pair of his black sweats. It was funny how that seemed to have become his signature look. My heart pounded as I contemplated what we were about to do, knowing it would change my life forever. I thought I'd prepared myself enough for this but, no. I was so not prepared.

We were at Jacob's home in La Push; Billy had gone fishing for the day and wouldn't be back until late in the evening. It gave us the perfect opportunity and the entire afternoon to get it over with. I wondered briefly how Jacob was feeling: scared, excited, or upset?

"I'm nervous." Jacob admitted, as if he'd heard my thoughts. He sighed and plopped down onto his bed, staring blankly at the wall across from him. I was sympathetic, understanding that this little shenanigan would most likely trouble both our minds and possibly implant harmful emotions. Harmful in that I may feel overwhelmed with guilt afterwards, or Jacob may feel as if he were being used, or maybe even hopeful of an impossible relationship with me. I would absolutely hate for him to think that this was anything more than an act of procreation. That would hurt him, and I couldn't stand to hurt him.

I sat down next to him and hugged him tightly for reassurance. He smiled unenthusiastically and patted my arm.

"You know," he said with another sigh. "A year ago I would have given anything to have you. I'd imagined it sometimes. What I pictured was amazing; a happy experience. And now here I am getting what I wished for and I feel so…"

He trailed off his sentence, shaking his head and turning away from me. I saw his pained expression though, before he could conceal my view.

"Jake," I consoled. "This can be a happy experience. You just have to let it." I thought about his worried statement, wondering how wrong it would be to pretend we were together, that we were in love? For Jacob's sake… Maybe even for mine. Would we really be pretending though? I had been in love Jacob at one point in time and, as much as I hated to say it, never quite resolved those feelings. Could I allow myself to use this opportunity as a way of closure, of seeing what I could have had? Just this once, should I throw all my buried feelings into it? Would Jacob do the same? After a very long moment of thought, I finally came to a conclusion.

"Listen," I said determined, rubbing his strong back. "I know you've wanted this and deep down I-I want it too."

He closed his eyes and frowned. I wasn't lying to him and that scared me terribly. But he had to know.

"Jacob," I continued. "I love you. Not only as a friend. As much as I've tried to repress and pretend I don't, I still have feelings for you… I want this…"

"But you love him more." He said, opening his eyes to stare intently at me.

"I guess that's so." I said in a whisper, watching an expression of hurt wash over his face. "And it seems you still love me as well, despite Renesmee."

"What we had, or what I thought we had, was special. It's hard to let go of that." He was fidgeting with a wad of fuzz from his sweats.

"Maybe we can-I don't know-use up our feelings for each other now. Use this chance to get it all out of our system." I stared at the floor.

"What are you saying, Bella." He asked haughtily. I sighed.

"I'm saying that this will be our only chance to express our love for one another, however repressed it may be. These feelings we have won't last long because Renesmee is growing fast." I paused for a breath. Jacob bit his lower lip. "So let's take advantage of our situation."

He was thoughtful for a moment, the ball of fuzz lay forgotten on the wooden floor.

"Edward won't have to know?" he asked quietly.

"I don't want him to know." I answered. "It would hurt him…" Jacob nodded and averted his eyes from me.

"This can be a happy experience, Jake." I urged after a moments pause. "You can make love to me, okay? You can put all of your feelings into it because I will too." He looked back at me.

"I do still love you, Bella." He whispered. I nodded silently in response.

"Let's do this." I said as I shifted nervously on the bed. He nodded and stared at his feet.

"W-where do we start?" he asked, never meeting my eyes. I saw his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed hard. He was so nervous it was sweet. I smiled at his obvious innocence and giggled.

"How about with a kiss?"