What If… Ch. 4

Things weren't too awkward between Jake and me, despite what we'd done together. For the first couple of days he sort of shied away from me, but I couldn't blame him. Every time I saw him I was haunted by memories of that afternoon at Billy's house, of his beautiful body and our experience. I figured he was thinking the same and I knew that would embarrass him, so he just tried not to look at me at all. It's kind of funny now, but… Anyway, after coming to terms with our odd situation, Jake was actually very mature about the entire thing. Around me and Edward, or anybody for that matter, he always referred to my growing stomach as mine and Edward's. He never slipped up, never mentioned the conception, never made a fuss. He was great. I appreciated his efforts greatly, proud of how well he was taking it and thankful for the lack of drama that resulted.

But I knew it was killing him.

The times when Jake didn't think anyone was watching he'd gaze at me, taking in my swollen stomach. The look of longing that would appear on his handsome face was always so profound that it broke my heart. I knew what he was thinking: that's my baby inside the woman I was meant to have, they both belong to another man, and I can't do anything about it. I was almost positive Jake regretted our agreement and he had every right to. As my child grew, the pain in Jacob grew. It was obvious despite his extraordinary efforts to hide it from me, and it physically hurt me to see him that way.

But what is done is done. It was just like Jake had said months ago: "There's no taking back what we are about to do." I would have never guessed those words would come back to haunt me. But here I was, pregnant with another man's child and unable to turn back time. What a predicament…

As soon as I caught on to the turmoil Jacob was experiencing as a result of my pregnancy, I bombarded Edward with questions concerning Jake's thoughts. I needed input because to me, Jacob seemed to be battling some demons. But it turns out Jake was tougher than I'd thought.

Edward explained to me that Jacob was noticeably controlling his thoughts around him, thinking only of unimportant, fickle things; never letting his guard down.

"It's like when you walk into a room and the conversation comes to a screeching halt. It's obvious that you were the subject of their conversation." Edward explained. "With Jacob, when I step into the room, his mind just stops moving for a moment, and then instantly: football."

Since it was apparent that Jacob had a guard up, I knew for sure he was struggling. He never let it grow weak either, because Edward was never able to figure out what his opinion was. So after a while I just stopped inquiring.

"Do you think we've made a bad decision?" Edward asked one night, completely surprising me. By then, I was around seven months huge. I was in bed, lying on my back, trying to figure out a new way to breathe and carry on a conversation at the same time.

I sighed, taking his question seriously, despite my discomfort, and thought about my answer for a long time. But I realized I didn't have one. I knew this would have come up eventually, even though we all tried hard to pretend it wasn't an issue, and I should have prepared myself in case it ever came up.

"I honestly don't know." I said, turning to my right and allowing my stomach to flop over with a sloshy sound. Edward took a slow breath; as if he needed to.

"Bella, I…" he began, but couldn't find the words to express his opinion. So I tried to express mine.

"I'm happy about having a baby." I said slowly, truthfully, choosing my words carefully. "I love her already-"

"Wait. Her?"

"It's a girl."

"Oh. How do you know? It was supposed to be a surprise."

"I just do." I said, tired of the interruptions. "Anyway, I don't regret this child. I just wish…"

"That it was mine?" he said, fidgeting with the hem of the too-expensive sheets.

I was quiet for a moment. Neither of us had ever brought up the fact that it wasn't his biologically, and so it was kind of a shock to hear Edward mention it. I knew this was coming too.

"It is yours, Edward." I insisted. He didn't respond, so I continued. "You'll raise her and so you will be, and already are, her father. It's your name that's going on the birth certificate so please don't bring that up again."

"I'm sorry."

Seeing the hurt expression on his face, I realized that I was, again, being selfish and I wanted to kick myself. It was terrible of me to just brush off his feelings like I had. I could only imagine what Edward was feeling; raising the child of another man and probably feeling pretty horrible because I'd really only asked about Jacob's thoughts on the matter, not his. Realizing this, I began to feel rotten.

"No," I said. "I'm the one who should be sorry. All these months have passed and I haven't once considered your feelings… I feel awful…"

"Shhh." He whispered softly. "It's alright-"

"No it's not alright!" I exclaimed. "Tell me what's going through your mind."

"I'm just…worried." He said after a moment.

"About what?'

"About everything I guess. I'm afraid that once the child is born-I don't know-what if I can't see it as mine and love it like a father should? What if knowing that it's not truly mine will hinder me?"

"When we agreed to this you assured me that wouldn't be a problem, Edward." I said, not believing what he'd just said.

"I didn't think it would. But like I said, I'm just worried about it."

I saw the torture in his golden eyes, similar to the pain in Jacob's, and it made me sick to think that I'd caused this much of a problem for the two men I loved most. The full impact of my decision hit hard at that moment, and the weight of it nearly took my breath away. How could I always be so selfish, so careless with Jacob and Edward's feelings? I really hated myself then, realizing that my actions had had such an impact on those most important to me, and that they were fighting tremendous feelings of uncertainty and probably even regret.

"Edward, I am so sorry…" I choked, tears beginning to collect in my eyes. He reached over and encircled me with his cold arms. "I never thought this baby would cause you both so much heartache."

"Bella. Listen to me-"

"No Edward." I blubbered, the tears spilling onto my cheeks. "I have been so selfish! I should have never asked you for another baby. You'd have never suggested such a stupid solution it if weren't for me. You do everything to make me happy and what do I do? Ruin it! I am such a-"

"Bella, listen to what you are saying." Edward interrupted. "You are not the only one to blame. In fact, I don't think you deserve any blame."

"Oh, don't start in with that crap again!" I sobbed. "'It's not your fault, Bella'."

"Listen my love. How could anyone blame a woman for wanting another child? It's only natural. Besides, I wanted one too, and so I tried to come up with a way."

"Oh, Edward…" I huffed.

"I chose to allow my wife to conceive with another man. It was my decision that triggered the consequences. Not yours."

"But Jacob…"

"Well…" Edward began. "He could've refused, and chose not to. But I can't put blame on him either because I worked hard to persuade him, just as hard as I worked to convince you. This was a mistake on my part, and any heartache I have is well deserved. But the hurt you feel, worrying about me, worrying about Jacob, and his pain, is all on me."

Mistake. I was afraid of that word because I was afraid that my baby might very well be just that, a mistake. But no. No child is a mistake and mine was not going to be the exception. I refused to see her that way. Edward's words, however selfless at the end of his explanation, set me on fire and I was angry.

"This baby is not a mistake." I said trough gritted teeth. Edward, an expression of surprise on his face, looked at me intently.

"That's not what I meant at all." He said softly, an earnest tone in his voice.

"Oh." I mumbled stupidly. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't worry about it." He was quiet, downhearted.

"Maybe we should just-I don't know-"

"Drop the subject?" he suggested, a soft smile appearing on his face. It wasn't a humorous or happy smile, just one meant as a truce. I nodded, though I still wanted to discuss it, because it seriously needed to be discussed.

"Until another time at least." I answered. He nodded and I snuggled into his chest, the coolness calming me somewhat.

I never really slept that night. I couldn't. So many questions ran rampant through my mind that I couldn't relax, I couldn't let go and rest. No matter what Edward had said about the consequences being on his shoulders, I knew I had some responsibility in it. I shouldn't have agreed to sleep with my best friend. I knew the ramifications and I took the risk. Now Jacob was suffering because of my actions.

I was going to fix this problem. I was determined to make things right again, no matter how difficult it might be. The baby was not a mistake, and all this was happening for a reason. Wasn't it? Isn't that how fate worked? You do something careless, learn your lesson, and in the end everything just clicks into place? There had to be a reason for this, and my new job was figuring out what the heck it was.