What If… Ch. 5

Jacob

Bella and I were piled up on the couch in her and Edward's cottage, watching Home Improvement and pigging out on chocolate ice cream and pickles. She lay with her head on my shoulder, softly rising and falling with each breath I took. Her stomach was enormous, being near her due date by now, and I couldn't help but wonder how on earth she got around. I looked at her swollen belly and chuckled.

"How much weight have you gained, Bella?" I asked, teasing. Her eyes snapped from the television and glared at me.

"It's baby weight, butthead." She grumbled and then rolled her eyes. I sniggered.

"How much?"

"Thirty-eight pounds." She huffed.

"Sweetie," I began. "I hate to break it to you, but I don't think that baby weighs thirty-eight pounds."

"You big oaf!" she growled, grabbing one of the fancy pillows that annoyingly adorned the couch and beat me up and down with it. It didn't hurt and so I laughed. That made her angry.

"Sorry, sorry!" I crowed, trying to contain my laughter. "You set yourself up for that one. I couldn't resist!"

"No you set me up! Jerk!" she yelled.

I took the pillow from her, jerking with what turned out to be way too much force, and lost my balance. I luckily caught myself, my arms at Bella's shoulders and my face way to close to hers for comfort. I froze. I sure was glad I had been able to keep my heavy frame from landing on the baby, but the closeness to its mother made me nervous. It was awkward.

To my dismay, my mind flashed back in time, remembering the last moment when our faces had been so close, the time we'd come together as one. My face began to feel hot as I blushed at the reverie and it made me angry. Edward had pointed out long ago that I was one to wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I knew I was probably doing it at that very moment. I was positive Bella would notice my blush and figure out what it was I was thinking of. Nine months of hiding it from her, taking refuge behind a fragile guard and trying to never think about it, and in one instant my efforts had proved to be in vain. My guard had fallen and she'd seen the emotions on my face.

"Sorry." I mumbled, pushing myself upright and turning my attention back to the television.

We were watching the episode where Tim accidentally crushes his wife Jill's Nomad with an eight ton beam, one of my favorites. But suddenly I didn't think I could enjoy it anymore at that moment. I had let a flood of unwelcome emotions and memories wash into my heart, just in that little instant of weakness. And try as I might, I couldn't stop the pain that oozed from it; pain I'd long ago stored away and tried to forget about but never seemed to be able to. Geez, I wished I was numb.

"It's alright." She said, clearing her throat nervously. "You missed her."

I nodded, eyes glued to the television screen. The best thing to do would be to ignore the onset of pain, pretend it didn't exist. Maybe it would go away quicker it I paid it no attention.

I heard Bella huff and cross her arms dramatically.

"What?" I asked monotonously.

"You're acting funny again, Jake." She said, grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at her.

"Again?"

"Yes."

"What am I doing?"

"Acting funny."

I huffed then.

"How am I acting funny, Bella?" I said haughtily, wishing she wouldn't look so deeply into my eyes.

"You've gone all quiet." There was nothing but concern on her face.

"I'm watching the show."

"No. You're thinking about something."

Why did she have to know me so well? I swear she could read my thoughts just as well as Edward could.

"I'm thinking about how funny it is when Jill goes to the body shop to see the car and-"

"Jake I'm being serious." She interrupted.

"Me too."

"Why won't you tell me what you're thinking?"

"I just did."

"Jacob Black!"

"What?!"

Our conversation, if you could call it that, halted immediately and we were silent for a long moment, glaring at each other. I was not going to give her the satisfaction, I was not going to give in and let her know the things I was imagining or the hurt I was feeling. But then again, Bella was just as stubborn as I was and wouldn't give up and drop the subject unless I told her something. Damn.

"Fine." She snapped. "You won't tell me, but I already know so don't bother."

"Then why did you even ask?"

"Confirmation purposes."

"Oh. Well now that its settled, lets be quiet and watch the show." I turned back to the screen. She huffed at me again and I almost chuckled, but didn't.

"I want to discuss it." She stated quietly. Of course she did. Women loved to discuss personal, unwelcome matters. Tim the Tool Man and I should start our own club; a refuge where all men could grunt and stink and never have to talk about such uncomfortable subjects.

"I don't want to."

"What is it with you guys and never taking the time to think about what you are feeling and figure a way to fix it if a need be? The only things you all think about fixing are cars and leaky faucets!" She was exasperated.

"More power!" I said, giving her my best tool-man grunt. She didn't appreciate my attempt at humor, only glaring in response.

"Alright, alright." I muttered, giving in and letting her persistence run me over. "What do you want to know?"

"Well," she began. "I already know that you're unhappy about the baby."

Whoa! Where the hell did that come from? I really didn't want to discuss that particular issue. It wasn't even what I was thinking about in the first place. I felt my heart, feebly sewn together in an attempt to repair the hurt, rip back open and flood with more unwanted feelings. Maybe, I thought with weak hope, if I told her what I was really thinking about she would drop the baby subject. It was the most excruciating of all my many pains and thus thinking on it left me in dire need of a distraction.

"That wasn't what I was thinking about." I mumbled, the shock still noticeable in my voice despite my attempt to disguise it.

"Um-oh. I, uh…" She was rambling.

"It's okay."

She sighed heavily and turned her focus to the television, eyes glazed and unseeing. That was easy enough, I thought. It was safe to say that I'd dodged the bullet, so I took a few quick and uneven breaths, forcing the uncomfortable emotions back from my immediate stream of consciousness. I was hard to pull off…

"I'm sorry I brought it up." Bella said suddenly, eyes never straying from the show. I shrugged and followed her gaze. Jill had just pulled the cover off the Nomad, revealing the totaled heap that was once her car. Hilarious.

"No problem." I muttered.

Everything was silent between us for only a short moment, for Bella huffed yet again and turned toward me, over exaggerating the movement so as to make sure I noticed that her attention was now on me. I sighed then, also over exaggerating, and turned the television off with the remote. Bella had a serious problem with dropping unwelcome subjects and it pissed me off.

"What, Bella?" I snapped, my eyes glaring at the blank television screen.

"I want to know what you were-"

"I was just remembering us, back at my house about nine months ago." I interrupted, my voice like an angered bear. Again she was silent.

"Happy now?" I barked.

"Jake, we agreed to leave that back in La Push." She said with a shaking voice. "You were supposed to forget about it."

"Well it's not that easy for me."

"I didn't say it was easy for me either, Jake. It was so hard for me to just drop my feelings there in La Push and forget." She shot back.

"So you just completely wiped it from your memory; just like that." I snapped my fingers to emphasize my words.

"No not 'just like that'." She said, lowering her voice to mimic mine. I really hated to be mocked, especially by someone who knew that, and did it anyway to rile me up.

'Oh really…"

"Yeah. And I never forgot, Jake! As hard as I tried, I could never erase your image from my mind. I am running out of distractions."

"Distractions?"

"To distract my thoughts from you."

"Aw it can't be too hard for you." I said, voice oozing with disdain. "You've got someone to keep your mind occupied.'

"And you don't?!"

"No I don't!"

"Hello! Renesmee you idiot!" she screeched. I huffed then and fell silent, giving myself time to figure out how I was going to explain to Bella that Renesmee just couldn't fulfill what it was I yearned for.

"She's so young, Bella." I said finally, trying with all my might to remain civil. "She can't provide the companionship I need or the intimacy I want."

I sort of blushed at the end of my sentence, hoping Bella didn't take it the wrong way and think that I was a nasty horn dog or something. I really hadn't meant to say that last part, but it slipped out of my mouth anyway. Bella took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"She'll be grown in a few years. Can't you just wait for her?"

"Do you have any idea how sick and tired I am of peek-a-boo and Barbie?" I said with exasperation.

"Jake…"

"Is it wrong for me to want some sort of relationship while I wait?"

"You've got forever with her, Jake."

"I need someone to- I don't know- relate to, share a few laughs…"

"I can't believe this…"

"Bella, Nessie is smart, but I can't carry on an intelligent conversation with her, I can't treat her as if she were an adult. Not yet, anyway. I need somebody, and that somebody happens to be you."

"I'm a married woman!"

I knew that and I felt stupid for uttering what I had said. Like she would ever give up her precious Edward or commit an act of adultery. Oh wait, she already had.

"I'm sorry but I just can't get you off my mind." I said quietly. I was afraid I was beginning to sound desperate, but so what? "Ever since that afternoon…"

"The terms were to leave it at that." Bella said with force, her eyes boring intently into mine. "One time, Jacob. One chance to express every buried feeling with no strings attached."

"I know but-"

"I was afraid this would happen. I give you an inch and you try and take ten yards!"

"What the hell, Bella? You freakin' had sex with me! That's way more than an inch, that's a mile you gave to me." I was officially furious with her.

"Jacob come on."

"I don't understand how you could ever expect me to just forget about something like that." I growled. "I finally get to have you and then you go back to him. I get you pregnant and he gets the baby! How am I not supposed to feel some sort of freakin' attachment to the woman I was meant to be with and the child she's cooking, which happens to be mine? How am I not supposed to feel jealousy when he has taken everything I have and have ever wanted away from me again?!"

I guess you could say I had an outburst. Everything was silent again. So silent that I cold actually hear the blood pulsing through my veins. I hadn't meant to bring the baby into the argument, but apparently when I am on a roll things tend to slip out. And I could have kicked myself, for big crocodile tears had begun to spring up and cascade down Bella's cheeks, and before I knew it she was sobbing like a child. She covered her face with her trembling hands and absolutely bawled. My heart actually broke for her. Again.

"Bella, honey…" I cooed, encircling her fragile frame with my arms, all anger completely evaporated from me. "I'm so sorry. So, so sorry."

I rocked her back and forth, patting her head with as much gentleness my large, clumsy hands could muster.

"Jake…" she whimpered.

"Sweetie, please forgive me." I was so at a loss for words it was unnerving. How could I have spoken so harshly towards her when I cared so dearly for her? Damn, I was such a monster!

"I'm such a horrible person!" she sobbed. The irony of what Bella had just said, having spoken my own thoughts but directed at herself, elicited an inappropriate chuckle from deep within me. Her head shot up, an accusing expression upon her beautiful face.

"I'm the one who's been yelling at you like a jerk and you think you are the horrible one?" I said, reaching around her to wipe a few warm tears from her eyes.

"You had every right to." She began, a fresh torrent to tears brimming the edges of her thickly lashed lids.

"Now, Bella…"

"No, listen to me." She urged, twisting out of my embrace to stare me straight in the eyes. "The pain you are feeling-the way you described… I guess I could understand where you are coming from. Gosh, if I'd never mentioned another baby to Edward so long ago none of this would've ever happened."

I was quiet as despair rolled throughout my heart and soul, filling me with so much sadness I could barley take it. Bella's words revealed regret not only for getting pregnant, but also for choosing me to help. That realization hurt so terribly I could have cried. But I was no sap.

"What's done is done." I mumbled dejectedly.

"You're pain is so obvious." She cried. "Tell me what I can do to make this better. I need to ease this torture I've caused you."

I took a deep breath and lay my head back to rest on the back of the couch, at a loss for words yet again. There really wasn't anything that could be done to fix the dilemma, apart from Bella leaving Edward for me and allowing me the child I'd given her. That would ease my pain considerably. Until Renesmee was grown, that is. Wow, what then?

The full impact of the consequences resulting from the agreement between me, Bella, and Edward hit home just then, and it hit with some force. It left my mind reeling with unanswerable questions. Why hadn't any of us taken in consideration the complete mess that could result from our decisions? Why hadn't any of us prepared for each obstacle, thought ahead, or weighed the possible consequences? How stupid and irresponsible could we possibly be? What a complete nightmare we were in…

My thoughts were suddenly distracted from the problems at hand, as a sudden feeling of hot wetness spread around my rear end and bottom thigh. Curious, I glanced down to see a wet puddle quickly growing in circumference on the couch. That was way too much liquid to be tears, I though fleetingly.

"Bella, did you just pee?" I asked stupidly, my mind still befuddled with complicated questions. I looked up at her and saw a surprised expression upon her face, as if she's seen a ghost. She might have been in shock for all I knew.

"M-my water just broke!"

Damn.