Case File: TOAST
Case 002
February 28, 2009
Toaster Warning Label: Do not place on or near hot gas or electric burner, or put in oven.
10:01
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The slightly dented, mostly charred toaster stared tauntingly at Mikey as he cracked two eggs into the frying pan that Wednesday morning.
Actually, it was Mikey doing all the staring, but in his opinion, it felt like the small device was mocking him. Mikey eyed the dent in its side—the very thing that deterred him from going anywhere near it.
Abruptly, he was pulled from his thoughts as the fire alarm screeched painfully to life. Startled, he realized that the eggs he'd been cooking were now smoking, having sat too long in the hot pan, and turned a crispy black.
"Mi-key!" Raph yelled from his room on the second floor. "Fix the alarm, or I'll fix you!"
"I got it, I got it!" He called back, scraping the roasted eggs into the trash and cutting off the stove. He balanced himself on a chair under the alarm, and after a couple of harsh beatings, the screaming noise was silenced.
"Great," he sighed, dropping the egg-crusted frying pan in the sink. "Now what?" He opened the refrigerator and searched for "Plan B"—cold pizza. However, he realized with a groan, it had all been eaten as his midnight snack. After shutting the fridge, he foraged through the cabinets and shelves for anything else.
"Who keeps eating all the good food?" He whined after failing to locate a proper breakfast.
"You do," Leo answered sleepily, walking by the kitchen with a yawn. "There has to be something you can find somewhere, though."
"The eggs I just burned were the last ones, the poptarts are all hoarded in some secret compartment in Raph's room, and Master Splinter finished off the Cheerio's!" He replied, pouting.
Leo shrugged. "We have bread. Make toast."
He hesitated. "Well, yeah, but..." His gaze was drawn to the toaster.
"Just don't mess up like last time," Leo said, turning to take his leave. "Or, try not to, at least."
Mikey tugged the loaf of bread out of a top cabinet and took out a slice, edging over to the toaster and sliding it into one of the slots. "Toast first, then butter," he told himself as he slid the switch down. "Then it won't burn."
Seconds ticked by. Mikey's stomach growled—loudly. He frowned.
"This takes forever," he complained after an insufferable five seconds of waiting. "No wonder we don't usually make toast." Mikey glanced down at the oven, and an epiphany struck him. Grabbing the toaster, he opened the oven door and slid it as far inside as the short electrical cord would allow. Then he closed the door and cranked the oven up to roughly 375-degrees Fahrenheit.
"Double the heat, cut down the cooking time," he said logically, and chuckled to himself. "Yeah. I'm pretty smart."
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10:04
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Raph shoved his pillow on top of his face after the fire alarm shut off, and he sighed irritably. If Mikey weren't such a total moron, he thought grudgingly, I'd still be asleep. He's going to blow something up one day.
Seconds ticked by. Raph's heavy eyelids closed. He began to doze off...
BOOM. Raph found himself on the floor, scared straight out of his bed. Growling, he leapt up and stormed out of his room, jumping the railing of the second floor and landing on the first as his sibling Leo stared toward the kitchen.
"What did he do?" He asked angrily. "I'll kill him for wakin' me up!"
"I have no idea," Leo said slowly, "but I can bet it involved the toaster."
"Again?" he groaned as Mikey stumbled from the smoking kitchen with wide eyes. Directing his attention toward his youngest brother, Raph demanded, "What the shell was that?"
Mikey opened his mouth to reply, but the smoke alarm blared to life again. Raph, annoyed, sleepy, and...annoyed, grabbed a cushion from off the nearby couch and shoved it against his ears.
Leo yelled over the alarm, "Mikey, Donny and Master Splinter are going to be seriously—" he stopped as the aforementioned brother, Donny, entered the room. His gaze quickly hovered on the kitchen, and then slid to a stop on Mikey, who shrunk back with a sheepish smile.
"You blew up the kitchen." Donny's remark was not a question, but a statement. Mikey nodded. Sighing, Donny walked into the smoke-filled kitchen, pulling the fire extinguisher off the wall as he did so.
"I'm in trouble," Mikey muttered, backing away from his homemade disaster as the fire alarm was cut off.
"A lot of trouble," Leo agreed.
"A lot of hurt," Raph threatened, dropping the sofa cushion and advancing toward Mikey. "You woke me up, you idiot. When I'm done with you, there won't be anything left for Donny to yell at."
"Come on, Raph, I didn't really do it on purpose!" Mikey exclaimed, throwing his hands up in defense.
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10:07
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The smoke in the kitchen began to clear as Donny shot the extinguisher foam at the burning stove. Putting down the extinguisher after the fire seemed to be sufficiently doused, he pulled on an oven mitt and reached into the hot stove, grabbing the remnants of the toaster. Taking a deep, strained breath, he walked from the kitchen as Raph began to advance on Mikey. Donny walked forward and stood between them, holding the toaster up in Mikey's face.
"Explain to me why our toaster was in the oven," he asked, "thereby causing our kitchen to essentially explode."
Mikey's sheepish expression reappeared. "I didn't want to wait for the toast to...toast. So I figured that twice the heat would cut down the time!"
Donny sighed again and closed his eyes for a moment, mentally counting to ten. "Mikey. I am going to try and fix this toaster. I may have to ask April to buy us a new one. But you are never allowed near it again. Ever. Or I will take the toaster and shove it up your—"
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10:10
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Leo watched Donny as he walked out of the hazy kitchen with a melted wad of metal clutched between his hands. Noting the restrained outburst written across his brother's face, Leo took a few subconscious steps backward.
"After the roasted-socks incident earlier this month," he said to himself, "I'd hoped Mikey would be more reasonably when he handled electronics..."
"You are never allowed near it again," Donny was telling Mikey with a strained tone of voice. "Ever. Or I will take the toaster and shove it up your—"
"Donny," Leo interrupted, attempting to take control of the situation, "don't be too harsh on him. Sure, it's the second time he's done this, but he's not really the brightest bulb, you know?"
"He's not even a lit bulb," Raph added. "He's busted."
Donny lowered the toaster remnants, setting his jaw irritably. "Two times, Leo. Two times this cursed chunk of metal will take up space in my room. And you know as well as I do that it will not be the last time!"
"Did you call me stupid, Leo?" Mikey asked with a bit of a delayed offensive reaction. "I'm not stupid! It seemed like it would work—"
Raph hit his own forehead, rolling his eyes. "You put metal into an oven, Mikey, and nuked it! I think that qualifies you as an idiot!"
"Raph, that's unnecessary input," Leo chided, rubbing his temples.
"He makes a good point though," Donny muttered.
" I didn't know it would do that!" Mikey exclaimed. "I gotta learn somehow!"
"By blowing up the house?" Donny asked, exasperated. "I don't think I'll even bother fixing it."
"Don't be that way Donny. Mikey's just a complete headcase."
"Shut up, Raph!"
"Oh yeah? Try and make me!"
"Guys, settle down—"
"I think I will!"
"I'm going to go bury the toaster."
"Ha! What was that? You missed me!"
"Wait for me, Donny."
"Oh yeah?! Try and block this!"
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10:05
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BOOM.
Splinter's tired eyes opened immediately at the loud explosion. He pulled himself up out of bed to discover the source as the smoke alarm went off. Isn't that the second time this morning? He wondered.
"What did he do?" Splinter heard Raphael demand.
Ah. It must have been Michelangelo.
"I have no idea," Leonardo was replying, "but I can bet it involved the toaster."
Shaking his head, Splinter settled back down into the bed, picking up a small box nearby. He took the lid off and pulled out a set of earplugs. With a tiny smile, he slid them into his old ears and closed is eyes. The turtles could resolve the conflict somehow, he knew. He wouldn't step in, just this once.
Besides, he thought, amused, I don't eat toast.
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Mikey's Toaster Safety Guide
1) When using the toaster as a dryer, get back to the toaster A) just in time to remove dry clothes or B) before Donny does.
2) Putting the toaster in the oven actually makes the toast cook faster—maybe a little too fast.