A/N: I know that this chapter is super late but since classes were cancelled today, I had a ton of free time to finish this chapter off and it's fairly long, so I hope that makes up for the tardiness. I'm not exactly sure if I like how I wrote this chapter but I just want to get it out to you guys! Thanks for being so patient and awesome! Oh and I have a poll on my profile about my next series so please vote on that!! Alright, happy reading and don't forget to leave a review!!

Send a heartbeat to
The void that cries through you…
Relive the pictures that have come to pass
For now we stand alone
The world is lost and blown
And we are flesh and blood disintegrate
With no more to hate…

"The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" – The Smashing Pumpkins

Chapter 10 – Lost and Blown

"Please say something, Johnny…"

Lulu flinched as Johnny ripped his hand from her grasp. He backed away instinctually, never looking up at her. She felt the lump in her throat grow at an astronomical pace as it threatened to choke her. This was exactly what she didn't want to happen. She didn't want Johnny to find out this way. He finally looked up at her and the shock on his face hadn't diminished.

"You're—You're Lulu Spencer?" he managed to get out.

"Yes…" she exhaled.

"Oh my god…" he whispered.

He turned away from her and ran his fingers through his hair. She found herself following him as he walked down the steps of her porch. She knew that this day had to come. She knew that they were living on borrowed time and he would soon find out that she was the ex-wife who haunted his forgotten memories. Johnny stopped before he could get to his car and put his hands on top of his head and looked up at the darkening sky. She put her hands on his shoulders but he shrugged them off quickly, as if her touch disgusted him.

"I—I never meant to hurt you, Johnny…" she began and he scoffed at her admission.

"You never meant to hurt me… right…" he muttered, still with his back to her.

"I didn't tell you the truth because I wanted to protect myself…" she said.

"From me?" he cried, turning back around to face her.

"Yes! I—I couldn't tell you what we were to each other because I didn't want to relive our past… it was too painful the first time around…" she said.

"I can't believe you… I trusted you, Laur—" he said but realized his slip and gritted his teeth.

"I'm so… so very sorry, Johnny… I never meant any of this to happen…" she sobbed.

"What did you mean to happen? Were you ever going to tell me the truth or were you going to just let me keep thinking that you were just some random girl that I had no past with?" he asked.

She shook her head and covered her mouth with her hands. This was almost too much. His voice was loud and disdainful, just like it had been when he left her and she knew that he was about to do it again. She barely came out of that in one piece. This time would surely destroy her.

"I can tell you that I'm sorry as many times as you can stand to hear it… I'm sorry, Johnny… I didn't expect this to happen… I was supposed to be getting over you and then there you were… as if being in this damn town wasn't hard enough with the memories… you just came back into my life and I—I panicked." Lulu explained but Johnny just shook his head.

"I can't believe that you're going to defend yourself with that! How could you hold me responsible for something that I didn't remember doing?" he asked.

"That's exactly my point, Johnny… you don't remember how we were… you don't remember what we went through and what you put me through while we were married… but I do… I remember every single painful moment of it! Damn it, Johnny! You broke me and you didn't even care! What was I supposed to do? Just let you waltz back into my life so you could do it all over again?" she screamed.

"So all of that talk about the husband that left you… that was—that was me?" he asked.

She hung her head and nodded sadly. She saw him clench his fist and he turned away from her sharply. She reached out to grab his arm but he wouldn't let her touch him. Tears slipped from her eyes as he snatched his arm away from her. She knew that it would be hard for him to understand but she was hopeful that he wouldn't be that angry with her but obviously, she had thought wrong.

"I can't believe this…" he muttered.

"Please, Johnny…" she begged.

"Please? Please what? What do you want me to do, Lulu? What am I supposed to say to that? You lied to me… over and over again… you knew all along who I was and you said nothing! I—I can't even look at you… I don't even know who you are anymore…" he said.

"Don't say that… please…" she cried, grasping his jacket.

"Why? Why should I believe anything that you have to say to me?" he yelled.

"Because I love you!" she screamed.

For a moment, she thought that she had broken through his anger. For a fleeting second, she thought that his face would soften and he would take her in his arms and he would tell her that he loved her too. She saw the conflict flicker in his eyes, knowing how difficult it had been to get back to this place where she could say those words freely to him.

She hoped.

He closed his eyes and shook his head, casting those words aside like they meant nothing to him, just as he had done four years ago. She pressed her fingertips to her temple and cursed internally. How did she get here again? Here she was, pouring her heart out to him and he was able to dismiss it like it was nothing. She promised herself that she would never do this again but perhaps she was a masochist. She couldn't help but to bleed for Johnny. She loved him so deeply and so profoundly that maybe she didn't care what it did to her. Holding onto the painful memories of their life together was her way of holding onto him.

She held on with all of her might to that hope.

Nothing in the world could've prepared him for hearing those four words pass over her lips. She loved him. She had said those words that an hour ago would've made him the happiest man on the planet. Now, those words were a maddening paradox. She loved him but she had lied to him about her name and their past and he couldn't reconcile the two sides.

"If… if you loved me… you would've told me the truth… you would've done everything that you could to help me…" he said.

"If I loved you?" she asked, as if that was the most ridiculous statement that she had ever heard.

"You can't tell me that you love me but not tell me what we were to each other, Lulu!" he yelled.

"When was I supposed to tell you? That night at Jake's? I thought that after the divorce… I was never going to see you again… and then you just turn up at Jake's, claiming that you had no memory of us… was I supposed to just lay it all out there in that parking lot? Just tell you that you cheated on me and then left me after Aura died?" she cried.

They both caught her slip about Aura at the same moment. She covered her mouth with her hands and looked up at him in horror. It was written all over her face. The guilt that had been in her eyes had just increased tenfold. How could he have been so blind? The fear in her eyes when Lulu had caught him holding that baby blanket in his hands… the evasiveness in Brook's voice when he mentioned children that he might have had…

Oh god.

"Aura was—oh my god… she was our—our daughter…" he whispered.

He saw the tears rush to her eyes and she nodded meekly. His heart clenched at her wordless admission and he felt his stomach drop to his feet. His breath caught in his throat and he backed away from her. Aura was their daughter.

His daughter.

His head was spinning, so furiously that he could barely stand straight. This was too much. The daughter that Lulu had told him about, the daughter that she had mourned for so long… that was his daughter. He couldn't even remember his own daughter and the woman that was standing in front of him, the woman that he thought that he loved, kept that from him. The thought of it made him sick to his stomach. His own disgust crept into his throat and threatened to choke him.

"I have to get out of here…" he said, backing away.

"Johnny… wait... please…" she begged, grasping to his arm.

Her touch burned his skin and he ripped his arm away from him. He could hear her sobbing behind him as he opened his car door. He didn't dare look up as he fumbled with his car keys. His heart was pounding against his chest so loudly that it thundered in his ears. All he could think about was getting the hell away from her. All of the lies were dragging him down, drowning him in darkness. He turned on the ignition and looked up and saw her standing on the steps of her porch, crying and begging him to stay. He thought about how many times he had seen her like that but he shook his head.

This time he wouldn't be back.

He shifted the car into reverse and backed away from the house hastily. He saw her crumple into a heap on the steps and he sped away, leaving her behind. He couldn't stand to be there for another second. Then, it was almost impossible to tell which was heavier: the lies or the truth. Did his hatred for Lulu and her lies outweigh the hatred he felt for himself? He reached for the knob on his stereo and turned up the volume in order to drown out the internal screaming that was plaguing his mind. The road ahead of him was quickly slipping into the darkness as the sun set behind the trees and he decided to pull over. He needed to calm down before he started driving again. He turned off the ignition and sat in silence. He closed his eyes, pressing his forehead to the steering wheel. He shuddered as another memory crept up his spine and pulled him back down into the abyss.

"She's going to be ok… tell me that she's going to be ok, Johnny…"

He looks over at her and sees her staring straight ahead into the small room. In her hands is the yellow baby blanket, clasped in her fingertips like a lifeline. She's thinner than he would like and she's definitely paler than usual but he says that it's because she's been worried for months. Her eyes are lost and distant as she watches the doctor's every move as they work swiftly in order to save their baby's life.

"Aura is going to be ok… she—she's strong… like her mom… remember?" he says, hoping that he can put her overworked mind at ease.

She nods without even blinking. He puts his hand on the curve of her back and she puts her head on his shoulder. For the first time in his life, he's scared to death but he can't tell her. If he breaks, he knows that she will shatter into a million pieces. He doesn't like to lie to his wife but if they lost Aura, they would never be whole again.

He knew that for sure.

He closes his eyes and buries his nose in his wife's golden blond hair, inhaling the sweet smell of her shampoo. He can't bring himself to look inside of the room as the doctors work frantically to save Aura. When he opened his eyes, his seven month old daughter would be fine. She would be smiling and giggling like all babies were supposed to do. She had spent too much of her tiny little life in the confines of hospitals and not the nursery that Lulu had spent months decorating in their brownstone.

"Johnny! Johnny… what're they doing?" he hears her ask as she tugs on his jacket.

His eyes snap open and he looks in to see the doctors step away from the hospital crib. The main doctor shakes his head and tosses his scrub cap to the floor. In that moment, Johnny feels his knees begin to give out underneath him but he can't let Lulu see him waiver. He has to be strong for her. The doctor leaves the nurses as they begin gathering up the used supplies and comes out of the room. Lulu's eyes are already glassy as she holds onto Aura's blanket for dear life and Johnny braces himself for the blow that they are about to be dealt.

"I'm sorry…" the doctor simply says.

He can feel her grip on his arm tighten and her face is set in disbelief as she looks at the somber faced doctor. His heart drops to the floor upon hearing those words from him. The rest of the medical jargon washes over him because it's all useless now. All of the fancy words and definitions couldn't bring his daughter back.

"No… no… no!! She's not gone! She can't be! She's just—" Lulu sobs.

Before she can say another word, he wraps his arms around her and crushes her to his chest. She fights him at first. Her hands are beating against his skin as she cries hysterically. The physical bruises from her fists he knows will fade in time but the emotional ones from her screams will haunt him for the rest of his life. All he can do is just try and hold onto her, to keep her anchored in this terrible storm that they were weathering through.

"You're lying! You're a liar! Our baby is not dead! Do you hear me? Johnny, tell him! Tell him that our baby can't be—she just can't be—" she screams but he just shushes her and rocks her back and forth, trying to calm her down because that's all that he can do.

"I'm—I'm sorry for your loss… you can—you can go and say your goodbyes before we—we take her downstairs…" the doctor says calmly.

He looks up to the window and he can see her now, lying so still underneath that sterile white hospital blanket. His breath catches in his throat but he is able to walk Lulu over to the door. Her limbs are shaking as they enter the small room. He stops and watches her go forward, moving cautiously towards their daughter. He can hear her whimpering as she nears the crib.

"Mr. Zacchara? I need you to sign these forms… to release the body…" he hears a nurse say as he's handed a clipboard.

The bile in his throat rises as he stares at the forms in front of him. He silently nods his head and takes the clipboard, stoically signing the sheets of paper allowing the hospital to release his daughter's body. He shoves the papers back to the nurse and she leaves quickly. He looks up at his wife to see her stroking Aura's silky dark brown hair. The tears that are falling from her eyes catch the light as they slide down Lulu's cheeks and he just wants to curl up in the corner and die. He promised himself that he wasn't going to break but know he's dangerously close.

"Aura… my beautiful little baby girl… mommy loves you so much… and she will for the rest of her life… mommy and daddy love you so much…" she whispers.

She bends over and places a soft kiss on her forehead before she breaks down again but this time he can't hold back. He can't stand to see his wife standing over their daughter's still body. It was just so wrong. That was his little girl in there. He was the first one to hold her when she came out as a crying and pink but beautiful mess. She had his eyes and her mother's pouty lips. She was perfect.

And she's gone.

He's suffocating and he needs to get out of there or else he too will die. He makes a hasty exit from Aura's hospital room, nearly knocking over a nearby nurse but he just has to get away from everything. He stumbles into a deserted corridor and presses his back against the wall. His legs finally give out from underneath him and he collapses to the floor, head in hands, shaking and crying harder than he had ever done in all of his life.

He wasn't strong enough for this.

He wasn't strong enough to watch his wife kiss their daughter goodbye like this. He hears his name being called but he can't look up. He knows that she's looking for him but he doesn't want to be found. He feels someone sit beside him and he knows that it's her. She links her arm around his and puts her head on his shoulder.

"Johnny…" she sobs.

"I—I can't do this… I have to get out of here…" he whispers before rising to his feet.

"I'll go with you…" she said, grasping his hand but he gently pushes her hand away.

"No… I—I need to be by myself right now…" he says, even though he wants nothing more than to hold her in his arms and never let go.

"Johnny… please don't shut me out… we need each other right now…" she begs.

He says nothing in response to her plea and only turns away and walks down the hallway, ignoring her as she continues to call out to him.

Johnny sat up with a start, clutching his chest as his heart threatened to burst through his skin. He could still hear Lulu's voice ringing in his ears as she cried out for him and it made his blood run cold. He had simply just walked away, walked away from everything that had meant something to him and he couldn't forget her words as they argued just minutes ago.

You broke me…

He didn't deny it. He did break her. Walking away at the hospital had been the first small fracture that would later lead to complete destruction. Right now, he hated himself more than he hated Lulu for lying. If he had just taken her hand instead of walking away… if he had stopped walking when she called his name… tears sprung to his eyes as he pressed his forehead to the steering wheel and sobbed.

He had just seen the beginning of the end.

Lulu pulled into the driveway, tears and mascara streaming down her face. She sniffed as she unbuckled her seatbelt and got out of the car. She knew that it was late but it didn't matter. She nearly tripped on the porch steps but she managed to make it to the front door and she knocked. The house was dark but she kept knocking. She saw the lights in the living room turn on and the door opened.

"Lulu?"

She wiped her eyes and saw Jax, Carly's husband, sleepily clad in a navy blue silk robe, standing before her. He took in her state and he seemed to snap out of his trance.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"Is Carly here?" she asked.

"Jax? Who's at the door?"

Carly appeared at the top of the stairs and she took in Lulu's state and immediately rushed down the stairs, almost shoving her husband aside to get to her cousin.

"Sweetie, are you ok? What's wrong?" Carly asked, cupping Lulu's face in her hands.

"My life is over, Carly… it's—it's over…" Lulu sobbed.

Carly took Lulu in her arms and held her tightly. She just needed to be with someone who would tell her that everything was going to be ok even when she knew that it wasn't going to be alright. She needed to hear that small white lie in order to get her through the night. Jax went inside to get Lulu some water from the kitchen as Carly brought Lulu into the living room and sat down on the couch.

"Shhhh… it's going to be ok, Lulu… you'll see… everything is going to be fine…" Carly sighed.

Johnny pulled his car into the garage and turned off the ignition. This day had been one of the craziest that he had ever had… at least since his accident. He had woken up in the arms of a woman that he thought that he could love forever only to find out that she was his ex-wife and the mother of his deceased daughter.

He needed therapy.

For once, he was glad to be by himself. He was going to need some quiet in order to sort out his thoughts and feelings. The way that they were jumbling around in his mind was giving him a massive headache. He pushed the door open to the house and wandered into the study. He shrugged off his jacket and tossed it onto the couch next to the liquor cart.

"Johnny…"

He turned around and saw Brook standing behind him. She was holding her favorite Betsey Johnson bag in her hand and he saw that her suitcase was parked in the doorway. He must've missed it when he walked into the study. She walked over to him and gently placed her hand on his cheek. The sensation of her skin on his acted as a catalyst and he felt himself falling back into the past again.

He's pounding on what looks like a door to a hotel room. He's completely drenched and shivering. The black peacoat that he was wearing wasn't really doing its job to keep him warm.

"Hold on! I'm coming!" he hears on the other side of the door.

He keeps banging on the door until it opens. Brook is standing before him in a fluffy white hotel robe and damp brown hair. Her eyes narrow on him and she folds her arms across her chest.

"What're you doing here?" he asks, softly but not soft enough to hide her anger.

"I—I know that you're upset with me…" he begins and she scoffs.

"Damn it, Johnny... you told me—you told me that you were going to try and work things out with Lulu… you told me not to call and you told me that we shouldn't see each other anymore…" she growls.

His jaw twitches at the sound of his soon to be ex-wife's name and he looks down at the carpet. He's weak and he knows it. He doesn't know what possessed him to come to her door because it's the last place he wants to be. He looks up at Brook and he can't see how beautiful she is but only how she's not Lulu. He can't stop thinking about how all he wants is to be at his brownstone with his wife curled up in his arms. But he can't blame Brook for that because he chose to ruin his marriage. He chose to shut Lulu out and make her run as fast and as far as her legs could take her. He had made his bed and now he was going to have to lay in it.

"I—I know…" he says sadly.

"And why are you all wet? Did you walk all the way over here from the brownstone?" she asks, taking in his sodden appearance.

"No… from Grand Central…" he says, shaking his head.

"Why were you there?" she asks, ushering him inside.

"It doesn't matter anymore…" he mutters as he sits down on the edge of her bed. He looks up at her and she's staring at him, scrutinizing his face, and she then averts her eyes.

"She—she left you… didn't she?" Brook asks and he curses internally how she can read him so well.

"I don't want to talk about it…" he growls.

"Johnny, I'm not going to be anyone's second choice! Just because your wife didn't take you back doesn't mean that you can just waltz right back in here and try to pick up where we left off!" she yells.

"Did I say that's what I want? I came here because I couldn't stand to go back to that house… to be alone in that house with all of its stupid memories!" he yells back.

He buries his face into his hands and exhales deeply. There was a huge hole in his chest that was aching without Lulu and he needed something to distract him from the pain. Brook had done a good job with it before. When he was with her, he could set aside the pain and the despair and breathe a little easier. But as time wore on, the novelty of it all wore off. He didn't want to escape anymore. He just wanted his life back to the way it was. He wanted his family back but he had made too many mistakes and he couldn't have it back. He feels her sit down beside him and her arms wrap around his shoulders.

"Johnny… I'm sorry…" she whispers.

He nods slowly and closes his eyes. She pushes his wet hair back and presses a kiss to his temple. She doesn't know that she's agreeing to the very thing that she swore that she wouldn't. She would never be first in his heart but he would try his hardest to not let it show. He knows that it would be hard, getting over Lulu, but he knows that it's what he has to do. He has to let her go. He sighed and relaxed into her embrace, making sure that she couldn't see the one lone tear roll down his face.

Johnny blinked furiously as the study rushed back into his field of vision. Brook's hand recoiled at his sharp intake of breath and she looked at him curiously.

"What is it? Did you remember something else?" she asked.

So much had happened since she had left this house a few days ago. He was a completely different person than the one that she had left while she ran away to Manhattan. He swallowed hard and nodded slowly.

"Yeah… I remembered a lot…" he said.