A/N: Ok! Whew! This chapter is HEAVY and was super hard to write but I think it turned out really well! It's also the longest chapter to date (yay!!) There's a lot going on in this chapter… I felt that it was only fair since the writers on GH won't give us any JoLu right now. And after this piece, I'm going to be taking a break from long series… This is my fourth long series in a row and it's super draining. However, I'm going to start my JoLu drabble fic right after this one ends… it'll be light and fluff orientated and gives us our happy JoLu, which I think is what we as JoLu fans need right now! While I'm doing my drabble fic, I'm going to be working on my next series... it's just a temporary breathing period, so don't worry! I'm not abandoning you guys!!! Alright, enough with this chatter since I know that you just want to get on with the story :) Happy reading and don't forget to review! I love your reviews! They make me really happy!

I don't know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we've been
And what we've been through…

If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it's worth all the wait
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday…

And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday…

"It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday" – Boyz II Men

Chapter 12 – Yesterday

Surely this was still an after effect of the massive amounts of alcohol that Johnny had consumed the night before. He was sure that Lulu hadn't just said that she wanted him. This was just irony coming back to bite him. He had chased her for all of this time and she rejected him time after time but at the moment when he was angry, she was offering herself to him. Surely it was some sort of lingering effect of the alcohol because he found himself laughing because it was ridiculous.

"Did I say something funny?" she asked.

"You want me…" he said, enunciating every syllable.

"And you think that's funny?" she asked, folding her arms across her chest.

"I think it's hilarious…you decide that you want me now… now of all times… when I've made it clear that I don't want you…" he said.

"I don't believe you…" she said and his face immediately dropped.

"Well then, that's not my problem…" he spat.

His words wounded her and he could the hurt in her eyes as she stared straight back at him. He clenched his jaw as she looked away, clearly not wanting him to see the tears that were forming in her beautiful brown eyes. Inside, his stomach was in knots. He was so angry with her that he could barely see straight. Yet, he would be lying to himself if he said that he didn't still love her.

"Johnny… I know that you're angry but—" she began but he shook his head.

"Don't… just don't, Lulu… you shouldn't even be here…" he muttered.

"I won't leave you, Johnny… not like this…" she said, walking over to him.

"Why? Do you get off by looking at the destruction that you've left?" he asked.

"No! It's because I love you, Johnny!" she cried.

There they were again, those three words that he once naively thought could be the answer to everything. He looked away, commanding himself not to be affected by her declaration. It didn't matter how much she loved him or how much he loved her. She still lied to him about his past. He had come to her when he was completely vulnerable and she had betrayed his trust.

"I'm getting really sick of that reasoning… if both you and Brook think that you can get away with anything by saying that you did it because you love me, you're sadly mistaken." Johnny said, folding his arms.

"And I'm going to keep telling you until you believe me…" Lulu said, grabbing his arm.

"I will never believe you, Lulu… you want to know why? Because you don't love me… if you did, you wouldn't have lied to me like this… you would've told me the truth after all of the times I begged you to let me in…" he said, wrenching his arm from her grasp.

"I'm sorry! If I could take it all back, I would… you have to believe me, Johnny…" she pleaded.

"I can't… I can't do this with you, Lulu… not now and not ever." Johnny said, shaking his head.

A sharp cry passed over Lulu's lips and Johnny thought that his heart was about to shatter into a thousand pieces. Despite all of his anger, he couldn't bear to see her come apart. He had seen it too many times and too many times he had been the cause.

"Johnny… please… don't do this… don't throw away everything that we have…" she begged.

"And what is it that we have, Lulu? Hm? Can you tell me that? Nothing! That's what we have! We have nothing because you decided that it was ok to lie to me!" he shouted.

She hung her head and he could hear her sniffling, trying to suppress a sob. He knew that he was hurting her and a part of him was glad that he was. Maybe she could feel a fraction of the pain that he felt when he found out that she had betrayed him. But he couldn't bring himself to look at her though. He didn't want to look at her because his resolve would surely crumble and he couldn't let that happen. What she did wasn't ok and if he allowed his feelings for her take over him, she would think that he excused what she did with no problem and it wasn't that simple.

"Is this what you want? Do you want to push me away?" she asked meekly.

"I can't—I can't forgive you, Lulu…" he said, turning his head away from her gaze.

"You love me… you told me that you loved me, Johnny… that—that has to count for something…" she sobbed.

"I—I don't love you, Lulu… I—I don't even know who you are… I fell in love with a woman that doesn't exist…" he said, sadly.

"Don't say that… it's me… it's always been me, Johnny…" she said but he shook his head.

"I—I can't even look at you… please, just go…" he said, swallowing hard.

He clenched his hand into a fist as he heard her begin to cry. For as many times as he had heard her cry, it never ceased to make him feel extremely guilty. He didn't want her to cry for him anymore. He would give her that one last gift. He would let her go because it was clear that they couldn't work together. Even with the best intentions, they hurt each other. He had walked out on her after their daughter died and she had lied to keep their past a secret. It wasn't malicious but it was just a part of this dance that they did. It was a dance that neither of them would be able to survive. He looked up at her and saw her walking towards the door of the study, clutching her purse to her chest and sniffling all the way. A part of him wanted to go and stop her because surely this might be the last time that they were in a room together alone. She pressed her hand against the doorknob and cried, without even opening the door.

"I love you, Johnny…" she whispered as she closed the door behind her.

He could hear her footsteps grow faint as she walked to the front door. He slowly stood up and walked towards the door. His hand came to the cool handle but he couldn't bring himself to open it. His anger and disappointment with her still outweighed his longing for her. He then heard the front door close and his heart felt like it was being ripped out of his chest.

He should hate her.

But being without her was literally killing him. He pressed his forehead against the mahogany door and exhaled shakily. He would give anything not to feel, to not feel like collapsing underneath the pressure that was building around him. It wanted him to yield. It wanted him to drop to his knees and break because that was what he had done to everyone around him. Every person that he had ever loved, he broke. He deserved to feel like this. This was his punishment: to feel too much.

Too much anger… too much hate… too much love…

"I love you too…" he whispered against the door.

Lulu found herself in that all too familiar spot on Carly's doorstep, tears in her eyes and with nowhere else to run. She knocked gently this time and shivered as a strong gust of wind brushed over her face. Carly came to the door and hugged her tightly without saying a word.

"What happened?" Carly asked, taking in Lulu's sad disposition.

"Johnny…" Lulu said, wiping her eyes and walking into the house.

Carly sighed and closed the door behind her as Lulu flopped down on the couch. Lulu was sure that Carly wanted her to just forget Johnny Zacchara all together and Lulu couldn't exactly blame her. Carly had been there for every fight, every blowout, and ultimately the divorce and breakdown and no normal person would want to condemn their cousin back to a repeat performance of that. Maybe Lulu really did need to be locked up in Shadybrook.

"You went to Johnny's? I thought you said that you were going to the cemetery to visit Aura…" Carly said, sitting next to her cousin.

"I did go see Aura… and then I just started thinking… Aura would want Johnny and me to work things out…" Lulu said.

"But not at your expense, Lulu… she would want you to be happy and you're clearly not…" Carly said but Lulu shook her head.

"Carly… I love him… and I know that even though he's furious with me… he—he loves me too… I know he does… we need each other, Carly." Lulu cried.

"Look… I'm not denying that he doesn't love you… that boy has always been crazy about you… I just—I want you to be careful, Lulu… after the divorce, I couldn't—I couldn't even recognize you… you were so broken…" Carly said, putting her hand on top of Lulu's.

Lulu nodded and squeezed Carly's hand gently. She closed her eyes and all she could think about were Johnny's words before she left. Every syllable was like venom, slowly chipping away at her heart until there was nothing left. Lulu always prided herself for being strong but hearing those harsh words come out of the love of her life's mouth… she wasn't strong enough for that.

"I thought—I thought that if I just went and talked to him…" Lulu began.

"That he would understand…" Carly sighed.

Lulu sniffed and nodded. Carly put her arm around Lulu and she put her head on Carly's shoulder. Sometimes Lulu forgot that Carly wasn't her own mother because she relied on Carly so much when her own mother couldn't be there for her. Lulu felt her warm hand gently stroke her face and her blond curls.

"So what are you going to do now?" Carly asked.

"What do you mean?" Lulu asked, still with her head on Carly's shoulder.

"What are you going to do if… after the dust has settled… if Johnny doesn't change his mind and he doesn't want to reconcile?" Carly asked.

Lulu felt her eyes begin to water and she shook her head, letting a small whimper escape her lips. She couldn't think about that. In this moment, Lulu couldn't imagine her life without Johnny in it. After everything that they had been through and what they had meant to each other, there was no way that it could be over. She had thought that she could bury her feelings for Johnny deep down but somewhere, she knew that she had never fallen out of love with him.

"I can't—I can't think about that, Carly… I really can't…" Lulu cried.

"I know… I know… it's hard to think about the end of something that has been so important in your life… I thought that the world was going to stop when my marriage to Sonny ended… but then I found Jax… and he was able to pull me up out of my grief of losing the man I thought was the love of my life…" Carly began.

"Are you saying that there's no hope for me and Johnny?" Lulu asked, rising to look her cousin in the eye.

"Of course not! I'm not saying that… I'm just saying that I don't want you to think that a life without Johnny is the end of the world…" Carly reassured her.

"But Carly… Johnny is my life… he has been for most of my life and he loves me… I know that he does and this is just a rough patch… we're—we're going to get through this…" Lulu said.

"If you and Johnny are able to get past everything and forgive each other… then I really hope that you two can get back together… I only want your happiness, Lulu… and if Johnny makes you happy, then I will support you…" Carly said, taking Lulu's hand in hers.

Lulu let out a sigh of relief and smiled. She was grateful that no matter what happened, Carly was always on Lulu's side and even when she didn't agree with Lulu, Carly always was there for her when things went wrong. Carly smiled back and put her arm around Lulu and pressed a kiss to her temple.

"You know that I love you, right?" Carly asked and Lulu nodded.

"And I love you too…" Lulu whispered.

"You better…" Carly chuckled and Lulu laughed lightly.

"Alright… I'm going to head out… thank you for calming me down…" Lulu said, rising to her feet.

"Where are you going?" Carly asked, walking her to the door.

Lulu thought about her destination. After that disastrous confrontation with Johnny, she just needed to be reminded of the good times that they had. She needed to know that all was not lost. She wasn't ready to face the fact that she and Johnny might be over.

"I just—I need to go somewhere… just to get away from Port Charles for a bit…" Lulu said.

Lulu turned around to face her cousin and smiled slightly, knowing how Carly was worried. The last time that Lulu had said those words to Carly, she had run away to France for a year. Lulu took Carly's hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

"I promise not to go far…" Lulu insisted.

"I'll let you go only if you promise to tell me where you're going to be…" Carly said.

Lulu nodded as it dawned on her where she needed to be. If her relationship with Johnny was going to go down in smoke, she at least wanted to be surrounded by memories of when they were happy. She wanted to feel closer to those memories when she, Johnny and Aura were the perfect family. She really needed that right now.

"I'll call you as soon as I get there…" Lulu said, smiling.

The Zacchara mansion was stifling.

And Johnny couldn't stand another minute in the house. That is how he found himself behind the wheel of his Aston Martin, his current luxury car of choice. He didn't know where he was going as he sped down the highway out of Port Charles. All of his emotions were churning in his stomach, burning him from the inside. Everything that he was feeling was just pulling him apart and he didn't know where to go or how to feel. After Lulu had left, the voices in his head were screaming at him.

Some telling him to run straight back into Lulu's arms because he loved her more than anything.

And some were telling him to run as far away as possible.

He turned sharply off the highway, making the tires of the car screech against the pavement. Why did everything have to be so complicated? Why couldn't he just let it go and let Lulu back into his life or just cut her out completely? He was angry but a part of him couldn't be completely angry. He was also completely in love with her but he couldn't just forgive and forget so easily. He pulled his car over and snatched the keys out of the ignition.

"Breathe, Zacchara…" he muttered.

He pressed his fingertips to his temple as he struggled for breath. He was slowly suffocating from all of his emotions and he didn't know how to make it stop. He unbuckled his seatbelt and pushed his door open. The cool air hit his face and he blinked to focus. He didn't know where he ended up but he just needed to walk. His heart was pounding against his chest as he walked along that deserted road. Surely he was having a panic attack and just needed to regroup. Before he knew it, he found himself standing beside a large open lot of grass that was enclosed by a black iron gate. He pushed open the gate and wandered onto the grounds and it hit him, almost instantaneously.

He's been here before.

His pace slowed upon his realization, being cautious. There were winding gravel pathways through the grass that extended throughout the grounds. He spotted some nearby stone benches that were surrounded by pristine white roses. He was so distracted by how beautiful everything was around him that he nearly tripped. He recovered his stance and he looked down, wondering what he had almost tripped over. His eyes fell to the marble plaque at his feet and he immediately blanched. He was standing above a headstone.

He was in a cemetery.

The sense of panic immediately rushed back as he backed away from the plaque, nearly tripping over another one. He knew why this place was familiar. He began walking, both knowing and not knowing where he was going. His feet were just guiding him across the grounds, pulling him closer and closer to his destination. He could hear his heartbeat thundering in his ears. Mechanically, he stopped and he felt his knees give out from underneath him.

"Oh god…" he whispered.

The dew from the grass seeped into his jeans and his hand lay flat on the cold marble plaque. This was surely an out of body experience because he couldn't believe what was happening. He was standing in front of his daughter's grave.

The daughter that he couldn't remember.

His fingers grazed over the letters in Aura's name and the tears immediately rushed to his eyes. He was so not ready for this. How could anyone be? Unconsciously, he had brought himself to his daughter's grave. His chest began to feel heavy as the guilt began to weigh down upon him. What kind of man couldn't remember his own daughter?

"I'm—I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, baby…" he whispered.

The words slipped out of his mouth unconsciously. He knew that he had a lot of apologizing to do and not just for being unable to remember. He had let her down. He, Lulu and Aura were supposed to be a family and he failed. He failed them… over and over again. All of the emotion that he had the capacity of feeling immediately began to flood his senses. He had so much that he had to say even though he had next to no memories about his past. It was almost like his identity before the accident was screaming inside of him, wanting to break out.

"This—this wasn't supposed to happen… this isn't how things are supposed to be… and I don't know how I got here, Aura… I just—I just don't know… I'm—I'm supposed to have you and your mom… you and her… forever." Johnny sobbed.

He pressed his forehead to the marble plaque, tears streaming down his face, and wailed. Everything that was inside of him… all of the anger, frustration, love, pain… he just let out. His hands balled up into fists at his sides and he could hear his heart beat pulsating in his ears over his screams. He was lucky that the cemetery was pretty much deserted or someone might have thought that he was dying.

But the pain is always the worst before the healing.

Suddenly, Johnny felt a searing pain in his forehead, like someone was splitting his head into two. He gritted his teeth and his heartbeat grew louder and louder. Every thump pounded against his head, making him want to scream in pain. He didn't know what was happening but he just wanted it to stop. He felt himself drowning, falling into himself, bombarded by images and sounds from his past that were being thrown at him at a million miles per second.

"You are my son, John… my son and my heir and all of this… and everything that I do… is for you… you cannot walk away from that! Especially not for some stupid girl!"

His father's booming voice came first. Johnny saw his father's face, dark and scowling. He remembered the look on his father's face when he shot Johnny's mother right in front of him. The fear that Anthony always managed to instill in him immediately rushed back into his memory.

"John, if you're not here to fight for me… I won't make it… I'll—it'll drag me under… I will become a monster, just like daddy…"

Johnny saw Claudia next, raven colored hair and a face that said that she could take on the world. She was so protective of him but ultimately she couldn't help but to alienate him when she married Sonny Corinthos and he broke away from their family. He remembered her face when she left Port Charles with Nikolas after the marriage ended.

"I love you… so much… and I can't live another day without the entire world knowing that you're mine, Lulu… so, will you—will you marry me?"

The moment when the ballroom doors at Wyndamere opened, revealing Lulu in her wedding dress, Johnny remembered how he almost fainted. She looked so beautiful that it was almost impossible for him to believe that she was his, but she was. She was his forever on that day. He remembered how they both tearfully got through their vows, pledging to love each other for the rest of their lives, and exchanged rings. He remembered the way she whispered to him to never let her go as they shared their first dance as husband and wife.

"Oh, Johnny… come over here… don't be scared… our daughter is not going to break you if you hold her… come on… Aura wants to meet her daddy…"

He remembered when Lulu put Aura into his arms for the first time and how the pride and love immediately swelled in his chest. She was so tiny and fragile as he held her but he instantly felt weak when she opened her eyes and looked at him for the first time. The moment that he looked into Aura's eyes, he knew that it was possible to fall in love at first sight.

"How can—how can anything be wrong with her? She's perfect… she's our perfect little girl, Johnny… I don't—I can't wrap my head around our little girl being so sick…"

Johnny remembered all of his promises to god to let his daughter live. He was never a huge believer but when his daughter got sick, he was on his knees every single night, praying for her. He just wanted to take her to the park, watch her crawl on the grass, discover new things, and see the wonder in her eyes as the world revealed itself to her. He remembered how helpless he felt when he couldn't do anything to make her better and how he felt that he failed her and Lulu both when Aura passed away.

"What do I want from you? I want you to see me, Johnny! I want you to see me… not just as a distraction but as someone that you could love…"

Brook's voice, distressed but beautiful, rang in Johnny's ears. He thought that he could move on and construct a picturesque life with Brook. He thought that he could be happy with her but all he did was to create a beautiful exterior with a hollow inside. All of the money in the world and all of the material things that he could get his hands on for Brook couldn't give him the life that he wanted. She knew it, even back then, that she could never be the person that he wanted.

"Lulu… please… come back… come back to me…"

He was back in that train station once again, running. He could see her as clear as day in the window of the train, palm pressed against the glass and tears rolling down her lovely face. He could feel the wind on his face as he struggled to catch up with the train. He knew that he couldn't live without her. It was impossible. He remembered how he was gasping for air as the train slipped further and further away from him until he fell to his knees and with the last wind in his lungs, he screamed.

"Lulu!!"

Suddenly, he inhaled sharply and his eyes shot open. He was on his back, staring up at the bright blue sky. His heart was pounding against his chest so furiously that he thought that it would break through his skin. Everything was so incredibly clear and sharp around him, like he had put on a pair of glasses for the first time.

He remembered everything.

Brook walked downstairs, a notebook in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. Everybody was anticipating her new album and frankly, with Johnny's accident and his memory loss, she hadn't had the time to start writing lyrics or melodies. Surely the tone of her album would depend on whether or not she and Johnny survived this storm.

"Excuse me, Ms. Brook…"

Brook looked up from her notebook to see that she had almost collided with Alice, the Quartermaine family maid. Brook apologized profusely for not paying attention to where she was going and set down her coffee on the table in the foyer. At that moment, a sharp knock came to the door. Brook's brow folded into a confused expression. Surely her grandmother Tracy wasn't expecting anyone right now since she was out getting yet another botox injection and Monica was working at the hospital today. Brook walked to the door and opened it, not wanting to pull Alice away from her morning chores.

"Brook…"

Her heart stopped. Johnny was standing in front of her, completely out of breath, almost as if he had walked all the way from the Zacchara mansion. She immediately threw her arms around him, disregarding their last conversation because she was so happy to see him and the fact that he had come to her on his own accord was all the reassurance that she needed.

He really did love her.

Johnny's body against hers was awkwardly stiff but she didn't care. He was here and that's all that mattered. She released him but cupped his face in her hands and offered him a watery smile as tears of joy sprang to her eyes. His fingertips enclosed around her hands and he exhaled softly.

"I would ask what are you doing here but I'm just—I'm so happy to see you, Johnny…" she whispered, running a thumb over his cheek.

"I—I have something to tell you…" he quietly said.

"You can tell me anything…" Brook said, smiling.

"I got my memory back…" he said, looking up at her.

The words made her stance waiver slightly. He was back. The Johnny that she knew and loved was back, after months and months of nothing. He had come back to her.

"All of it?" she asked, slightly in disbelief.

"All of it." Johnny said.

She bit her bottom lip and threw her arms around him. This was a miracle. She had gotten everything that she had wished for, that she had prayed for. Johnny was back, mentally and physically, and he was hers again. The tears slipped from her eyes as she held him tightly. Suddenly, she felt his hands remove her arms from him and he backed away from her, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry…" he rasped.

And that's when she knew.

Her heart fell to the bottom of her stomach and she looked down towards the antique Persian rug beneath her black boots. She willed herself not to cry but the feeling of her own heart breaking one last time for this man was too much and she sobbed.

"You're—You're choosing her… aren't you?" she asked.