Harry and the Chamber of Secrets parody
THE EPIC OPENING
HARRY POTTER SIGN: DUN DUN DUNNNN!
CLOUDS: *Are ominous*
HOUSES: *Are bland*
HARRY: *is pathetic* Oh my parents are dead and woe is me and I'm flicking through this photo album and NO ONE LOVES MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
PHOTO ALBUM: *Gloats*
HEDWIG: *Small voice* Surely your uncle won't hear...
VERNON: ROAR! BLOODY BIRD!
HEDWIG: ... ooookay.
CAKE: *Is sickening*
HARRY: NO ONE LOVES ME!
DURSLEYS: Shut up!
HARRY: *Sulks*
BEDROOM OF DOOM
WEIRD HOUSE ELF: Hi!
HARRY: OHMIGOD, WHAT IS THAT THING?
DOBBY (for it is he): There is a plot, Harry Potter. A plot to make most terrible thin--
HARRY: Yeah, yeah. My life's in danger, I know, I know.
DOBBY: Because you're an ungrateful little twat, I'm going to ruin your life now. Ktnxsbai. Oh, and I've got your letters! Ha!
HARRY: Oh noes! Not my letters!
(And then DOBBY makes his way into my heart by levitating a cake onto MRS. MASON and therefore landing HARRY in deep shit. Ahhh, we love you DOBBY.)
VERNON: ANGER.
HARRY: ... well, shit.
BEDROOM OF DOOM (NOW WITH ADDED BARS.)
HARRY: Oh woe is me, I'm stuck here. Hang on, what's that? *Peers at the pinpoint of light that is slowly going bigger* It's a star! No, it's Voldemort! No, it's Lucius' hair! Aw, no, it's just a random flying car.
FRED & GEORGE: Hiya Harry!
HARRY: Oh thank God. You've come here to rescue me!
FRED & GEORGE: ... yeah. *Ogles*
RON: Oi! Give me a gawp too! *Ogles*
HARRY: Er. Can we go now...?
THE BURROW
RON: Now, if we can just get inside without that crazy bitch... I mean, mother noticing us...
CRAZY BITCH (I MEAN, MOLLY): Beds empty! No note! Car gone! *Turns to her sons* Of course, I don't blame you three.
HARRY: What about me? I don't even have parents!
MOLLY: You have led my sons astray! Roar! But since you're the main character, I can't hate you. Stupid laws. Breakfast!
(Breakfast is so boring that I'm just going to pass the time by wondering where that jumper-wearing cat went. Now that Breakfast has ended, our pathetic--I mean, intrepid heroes must venture forward into...)
KNOCKTURN ALLEY (OR NEVERLAND RANCH)
(HARRY proves what a n00b he is and instead of saying 'Diagon Alley' when he uses the Floo Network, he says 'Diagonally'. Honestly, the idiocy of some people. Anyway, this foolish action sends him to the aforementioned KNOCKTURN ALLEY.)
HARRY: Oooo, the pain...!
WOMAN: Rape time!
HAGRID: He's mine! I mean, uh...
(HARRY and HAGRID walk out to DIAGON ALLEY)
HAGRID: What was I doing in there, you ask? Nothing! You didn't hear anything! It's not true, whatever they told you! Who told you anyway?
HARRY: Uh... I didn't say any--
HERMIONE: *Pops up randomly* Hi Harry, hi! Hi! HI! Pay attention, pay attention, PAY ATTENTION TO ME!
HARRY: Whoa Hermione! What's wrong with you?
HERMIONE: Oh, I'm just practicing for the next film. Oh, your glasses are broken. Reparo! LOOK AT WHAT I CAN DO. PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEE! Anyway, everyone's in Flourish & Blots. Let's go, sugarplum.
FLOURISH AND BLOTS
BOOK: *Is fabulously Lockhart*
LOCKHART: *Is fabulous* Look how fabulous I am. Bask in my divine presence.
EVERYONE: *Looks and basks*
LOCKHART: Oh, look at the dirty little urchin. Let's have a photo, urchin!
HARRY: My name is--
LOCKHART: *Clasps to bosom. I mean, chest*
MALFOY JR.: I b-bet you l-loved t-t-that P-Potter. Snug-ggled up in the a-arms of a-another m-m-man.
HARRY: Draco, I...
MALFOY JR.: SHUT UP YOU MAN-WHORE! *Wails* DADDYYYYYYYY!
MALFOY SR.: I'm too sexy for this scene, too sexy for this scene, so sexy it hurrrrrts.
FANGIRLS: *Are born*
MALFOY SR.: How DARE you stand up my son? I'm going to curse the little girl for that. Come, Draco. Let's leave the company of these plebeians.
EVERYONE: *Was too busy ogling him to listen to what he said*
TRAIN PLATFORM
PLATFORM 9 & 3/4: *Doesn't let our duo through*
DUO: Oh noes! Let's turn to the next best thing: crime!
(DUO proceed to be stupid, steal the flying car and fly it VISIBLE in front of MUGGLES. The next few scenes are quite pretty, but also very boring. Our DUO eventually find themselves at HOGWARTS. They are promptly beaten up by a tree. The WHOMPING WILLOW, in fact. Miraculously, they do not die.)
FLICH: *Leers* Ooooo dear, we ARE in trouble.
(Best. Line. Ever.)
DOWN ONCE MORE TO THE DUNGEON OF MY BLACK DESPAIR
SNAPE: You are officially the most idiotic people in the history of the Wizarding World. If I could expel you...
DUMBLEDORE: But you can't, so ha.
SNAPE: *Points*
DUMBLEDORE: *Is Dumbledore*
SNAPE: *Regrets taking this job*
DUO: Yayz! Good triumphs again!
SNAPE: Just wait until you get poison in your Pumpkin juice. Then who'll be laughing and celebrating? Me. And the rest of the audience, come to think of it...
MCGONAGALL: But you two get detention and a Howler, just because we don't like you.
SNAPE: ... Minerva, have I ever told you how much I love you?
MCGONAGALL & SNAPE: *Are BFFs forever*
(From that beautiful scene, we skip to the GREENHOUSES. They are full of comic relief, HERMIONE screen time and HIDDEN PLOT DEVICES. All in all, it is rather boring.)
GREAT HALL
HOWLER: *Roars*
RON: *Whimpers because he has no balls*
SNAPE: *Gloats*
DADA CLASSROOM
LOCKHART: *Is fabulous*
EVERYONE: He's so gay.
LOCKHART: *Pulls out 'wand'*
I: *Giggle*
PIXIES: *Destroy the classroom like a YR12 class on alcohol and crack*
NEVILLE: I hate my life.
QUIDDITCH PRACTICE
CASTLE: *Is pretty*
WOOD: We're going to do this thing harder, faster and longer. And yes, that WAS full of innuendo. Oh snap, Slytherins.
MALFOY JR.: S-so P-Potter. G-got yours-self a new l-lover y-y-yet?
HARRY: Draco...
MALFOY JR.: SHUT UP YOU WHORE!
HERMIONE: *Appears suddenly* Back off my Harry-muffin, bitch!
MALFOY JR.: You think you can handle him, slut?
HERMIONE: Hussy!
MALFOY JR.: Oh no you didn't, Mudblood!
RON: I shall defend her honour! Eat slugs! *His hex backfires in what is supposed to be a comical action, but is quite disgusting* *Throws up slugs*
EVERYONE: Ewwwwwww.
(HAGRID fixes him and our TRIO have an epic emotional scene, which is ruined by the nausea inducing vomiting that RON is doing. Seriously, it's not funny at all.)
DETENTION
ATMOSPHERE: *Is camp*
LOCKHART: Harry, Harry, Harry. Never try to be more popular than me. It doesn't work. *Flashes a toothy grin*
HARRY: Riiiiiiight. ARGH THE VOICES.
LOCKHART: *Shrieks like a girl*
HARRY: Heh. *Leaves*
CORRIDOR
WATER: *Is suspicious*
WRITING: Bask in my epic FORESHADOWING.
STUDENTS: Oh mah Gawd!
FILCH: I'll kill ya, Potter. I'll kill ya!
DUMBLEDORE: No, Argus! Don't you dare try to usurp my position as Crazy Old Man of Hogwarts!
SNAPE: *Points to our trio* They did it, they did it, they did it!
DUMBLEDORE: Sorry, did you say something, Severus?
SNAPE: Grrrr.
TRIO: *Get off scotch-free*
(TRIO ascend the staircase and have a MEANINGFUL TALK. You may have gathered I abhor such MEANINGFUL TALKS and therefore skip them.)
TRANFIGURATION CLASSROOM
MCGONAGALL: I'm here to tell you all about the Chamber of Secrets!
I: *Slip into a coma, wakening several scenes later*
LIBRARY
HERMIONE: Screen time! Anyway, we need to use this very illegal Polyjuice potion, instead of being smart, slipping Malfoy a truth potion and cornering him somewhere!
QUIDDITCH STADIUM
CROWD: *Cheers*
I: *Groan*
(Slytherin seem like they're winning and I am bored until I spot Malfoy Sr.)
MALFOY SR.: ... don't you think my cane looks fabulous, Severus?
SNAPE: *Deadpan* Yes. It's very pretty.
MALFOY SR.: *Glomps*
SNAPE: Grrrr.
(Anyway, apparently HARRY has got himself an STD. I mean, 'rogue Bludger'. It's not surprising. His arm is broken, and then Gryffindor win. Of course.)
LOCKHART: Don't worry, Harry! I'll fix it using my camp powers! *Proceeds to make it worse*
NO ONE: *Is surprised*
HOSPITAL WING
MADAM POMFREY: I'm here to increase the level of good acting in this film! God knows it needs it.
AUDIENCE: Yay!
(Late at night, HARRY is molested by the WEIRD HOUSE ELF in the first scene who also tries to now warn HARRY about the evil lurking at HOGWARTS. HARRY is a twat and doesn't listen.)
BATHROOM OF COMIC RELIEF
THIS SCENE: *is boring*
DUELLING CLUB OF CAMP TENSION
LOCKHART: Hello all! Professor Snape has sportingly agreed to 'duel' me.
SNAPE: *Looms*
LOCKHART: First we'll take out our 'wands' and, grasping them firmly, will point them--
SNAPE: Right, I've had enough of being molested. Expelliarmus!
LOCKHART: Okay then, we'll have Ron and Harry 'duelling' then...
SNAPE: No. No camp tension. Draco can duel Harry instead.
LOCKHART: I thought you said no--
SNAPE: *Glares him into submission*
HARRY & MALFOY JR.: *Have a camp battle*
MALFOY JR.: Serpensortia!
SNAKE & HARRY: *Fall in love*
MALFOY JR.: *Sobs*
SNAPE: *Sighs and kills snake* I'm surrounded by wankers.
HARRY: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SNAKIE!
OVER THE NEXT FEW DAYS
Harry: *is shunned* Well, fine. Thanks guys. I'll just go and slit my wrists, shall I?
I: *Fall asleep*
(The next interesting scene is so far; I'll just skip to there and give you a recap of the ones in between. A HUFFLEPUFF GUY and NEARLY HEADLESS NICK are petrified, HARRY is sent to DUMBLEDORE'S office, it is suddenly Christmas, our TRIO talk about the Polyjuice potion IN PUBLIC, they use the abovementioned Polyjuice potion, interrogate MALFOY JR., return to the bathroom to see CAT!HERMIONE, HARRY then finds a diary with a sex predator in it and HERMIONE is petrified.)
HAGRID'S HUT
HARRY: The voices and the pretty sex predator told me Hagrid; you did it! You opened the Chamber! You're the Heir! Accusations!
HAGRID: Well, your logic is slightly flawed...
FUDGE: That's enough! I'm here to arrest you Hagrid, for almost spoiling the entire plot! What have you to say for yourself, huh?
DUMBLEDORE: Sorry, Hagrid. I tried, but even I am shocked. How COULD you?
MALFOY SR.: Now it's time for some Lucius action. Ohhh yeaaaah. Anyway, Dumbledore, I'm suspending you from the school because I am EVIL and as such I can do these things.
DUMBLEDORE: No! I didn't mean to take the drugs! They told me things!
MALFOY SR.: Riiiiiight. Let's go.
(MALFOY SR., DUMBLEDORE, FUDGE and HAGRID leave.)
FORBIDDEN FOREST
(I'd just like to point out that everybody ignores its name and just goes in there without a second thought.)
ARAGOG: ... and in conclusion, Hagrid is innocent.
HARRY: But the voices told me he was guilty! They wouldn't lie!
ARAGOG: The voices LIED, you twat.
HARRY: *Angsts*
ARAGOG: See, now I'm just going to eat you.
HARRY & RON: *Run like the hounds – or spiders – of hell are on their heels. Which, admittedly, they are*
CAR: *is helpful*
HARRY: Oh my God. It's so obvious! Hagrid's clearly innocent!
RON: No offence mate, but you're a wanker.
(Then our duo goes to the Hospital Wing and has a sickening friendship thing with a petrified HERMIONE. And if you're thinking sex, you're doing all right. Oh, and they also uncover VITAL PLOT.)
CORRIDOR
HARRY: *Rants about plot*
EVERYONE: *Knew this already*
TEACHERS: *Ensemble*
HARRY & RON: *Spy*
MOOD: *Is serious*
LOCKHART: *Ruins it*
SNAPE: Because you're an ass, YOU get to deal with the Heir and the Chamber and the Monster. Have fun. I'll say the eulogy at your funeral.
LOCKHART: Oh snap. *Leaves*
TEACHERS: *Leave*
WRITING: I told you, didn't I? EPIC FORESHADOWING.
RON: Oh noes! Ginny's dead!
HARRY: Ginny? Who's Ginny?
RON: No idea. Let's save her anyway.
HARRY: Okay, sure. Let's go find Lockhart! He'll help, even if he is camp!
LOCKHART'S OFFICE
LOCKHART: Actually I'm straight AND a fraud.
HARRY: What!? You are so not straight! Oh, and snap, you're a fraud.
LOCKHART: Now I'll just have to take you!
HARRY: No! Not my memories!
LOCKHART: I didn't say anything about your MEMORIES, my dear boy.
HARRY & RON: *Point their wands at him*
LOCKHART: Oh snap.
BATHROOM OF PLOT
HARRY: Show me the Chamber!
TAP: No. Piss off.
HARRY: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
TAP: Ugh. Fine. I hope you get eaten.
HARRY: Yay!
CHAMBER OF DOOOOOOOOOOOM
(HARRY and CO. enter the Chamber. They are promptly split up, as LOCKHART tries to do a spell using RON'S broken wand.)
HARRY: *Angsts*
TOM RIDDLE: *Is pretty*
HARRY: Hang on, weren't you that sex predator in the diary? *Catches another glimpse of Tom's prettiness* I LOVE YOU, MY MASTER!
TOM: Ha. I'm way above your league. Basilisk! Eat this little brat!
(BASILISK proceeds to stalk HARRY. FAWKES comes and blinds BASILISK. HARRY is a n00b. Finally, HARRY runs back out to TOM and has an EPIC FIGHT SCENE with BASILISK. It dies. HARRY is mortally wounded. I'd like to take the time now to point out that BASILISK does not look at all like a snake. More like a dragon with a lizard's head. It is not as pretty as a snake. Anyway.)
HARRY: I must destroy the pretty one! *Stabs diary with Basilisk fang and kills Tom*
FANGIRLS (AND ME): NOOOOOOOO! YOU TWAT! HE WAS PRETTY!
HARRY: I'm the only one allowed to be pretty in this series!
(FAWKES then heals HARRY, which is a shame. Then, collecting RON and DAZED LOCKHART, they all leave.)
HEADMASTER'S OFFICE
DUMBLEDORE: Even though you broke heaps of rules, I forgive you!
DUO: Yay!
MALFOY SR.: So. You came back. My day is becoming distinctly UNfabulous. *Huffs and leaves*
HARRY: *Follows and liberates Dobby*
MALFOY SR.: You cost me my SERVANT, boy! That is the LAST STRAW! *Prepares to kill him*
DOBBY: *Saves Harry*
AUDIENCE: Damn.
MALFOY SR.: *Is BUUUUUUUUUURNED* My hair! Grah! I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you damn kids and your meddling dog! *Leaves*
FINAL SCENE
(This scene is so gag-worthy the movie parody police stepped in and took it out of my parody. Well. There you go.)
CREDITS: *Signify end*
THE END