WARNING: This chapter contains suicidal content. Please note that I'm not making fun of suicide. Suicide is a very serious thing and I in no way want to make it seem like I find it funny. This is meant to make fun of over-dramatic angsty fics that are ridiculously way too woe-is-me.
I know before I said I was going to call this "The Angsty Chapter" but I decided to rename it. To get this chapter you have to have read some really bad angst fics.
Chapter 6: The Emo Chapter
Hermione entered the Gryffindor common room. She still hadn't found Draco and therefore hadn't been able to make sweet, sweet reformed bad boy loveto him. Oh, who was she kidding?She wanted to ride that boy like a rollercoaster.She did, however, find Harry. But the Harry she found wasn't the Harry she was used to. The Harry she found wasn't the I'll-Be-Damned-If-I'm-Going-To-Let-That-Fascist-Take-Over-The-Wizarding-World Harry. He was a Blubbering-Shell-Of-A-Man-Weeping-In-The-Corner-Like-A-Little-Girl Harry.
Hermione hurried over to him. She knelt down beside him with the essence of her womanhood in full view because of the fact that she wasn't wearing any underwear and because she had her legs spread wide like…something that's spread really wide.
"What's wrong, Harry?" she asked consolingly, as if she were wearing panties.
"Oh, Hermione!" Harry yelped, hugging himself. "I'm sooooooo depressed! My soul is black! It's black like a smoker's lungs! Woe is me. Oh, woe is me!"
"Oh, Harry!" Hermione exclaimed. "Tell me what's wrong!"
"Leave Hermione!" Harry whined in a tiny voice. "It's not safe for you to be near me."
"What the bloody hell are you talking about?" Hermione asked bewildered whilst the author hopes the readers notice her clever use of British profanity.
"Everyone I love dies!" he cried, pulling himself into a tighter hug. He lay down on the floor in the fetal position. Tears flowed from his bright green eyes and then fell into small beautiful sad puddles under him. Depressing piano music began to play lightly in the background as he began to shake from his uncontrollable sobbing.
Hermione rolled her eyes at the author.
"That's not true!" she said. "Believe me, I know. I know everything, remember? Don't think that just because I've developed this amazing body and straightened my hair that that's changed. Because I'll tell you, it hasn't. I'm still as smart as I was when I was flat-chested and bushy-haired and--"
"Hermione!" Harry interrupted. "Do you mind? I'm trying to have an angsty emotional breakdown here."
"Oh sorry…" she coughed. "But really, that's not true."
"Yes it is!" Harry muttered. "First my parents get killed by that minion of the devil, Voldemort. Then Cedric met the same fate. Then Sirius gets knocked into that curtain thing. If only he'd been gay and knew more about home economics…maybe I'd have my godfather again…" he sniffled. "Andasif that wasn't bad enough,now Dumbledore's gone too! You could be next Hermione! So leave now before I kill you with my love!"
"I…wait a minute," she replied. "You loved Cedric?"
"Well, he was quite handsome and…no!" he yelped.
"But you just said…"
"Forget what I said!" Harry yelled, spitting slightly. "I couldn't bear it if I caused your death too. Maybe I should just kill myself. That would fix everything. Isn't that what they say? Suicide fixes everything?"
"I don't think suicide fixes anything, Harry," she answered.
"Oh, what do you know?" Harry asked bitterly. "Have you ever killed yourself?"
"Honestly, Harry!" she exclaimed.
"Just go so I can go slit my wrists in the bathtub!" Harry wailed. "Down the street not across the yard, right?"
"I'm not leaving until you agree not to kill yourself," Hermione said.
Harry sobbed into the floor. "Just-hand-me-my-black-eyeliner-and-razorblade-and-get-the-fuck-out!"
"NO!"
Harry rolled from his right side (which he was laying on) to his left and then back to the right again. He repeated this motion over and over. Then he began to chant "Why, God, why!" over and over. Hermione stood up with exasperation.
"Harry, you've got to snap out of it!" she said. "You're life is not that bad! I mean…sure everyone you've ever seen as a parental figure has been horribly murdered. And sure, the darkest wizard of all time would love nothing more than to see you dead and impaled by something very sharp…"
Harry was now weeping harder than ever and still rocking back and forth on his sides. With Hermione's words he let out a loud cry and began rocking so hard that he was unable to stop himself and was now rolling speedily across the room toward the wall on the other side of the room.
"And sure," she continued, "you're seventeen years old and still a virgin but anyone would want to change places with you, really."
At this statement Harry abruptly stopped rolling and chanting and looked up at Hermione. "What?" he said. "I'm not a virgin."
Hermione adverted her eyes away from him. "Okay," she mumbled.
"I'm not!" he protested.
"Okay."
"Really!"
"Okay."
"I've had sex.
"Okay."
"I've had sex with lots of women."
"Okay."
"And they liked it too!"
"Okay."
"I've hit it from the front, the back, and both sides all at the same time!"
"Alright, Harry!" Hermione shouted. "Now that you seemed to be out of your Everything-Happens-Because-Of-Me-And-I-Must-Kill-Myself-To-Make-It-All-Better mood, I've got to go find someone."
As she walked out of the room she heard Harry calling, "Wait! I didn't get to dramatically slide down the wall while tears stream down my cheeks as I cover my face desperately with my hands and shake almost seizure-like!" But she chose to ignore him.
When she got into the hallway she was shocked to find Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown kissing elaborately like lesbians with their arms around each other in the middle of the hallway.
"Hey!" she shouted, pushing out her chest so they could see her Head Girl badge, which looked miniscule pinned to the fabric (sort of) covering her enormous breast. "What in Merlin's name do you think you're doing!"
They both stared at her.
"Um…well, you see," Lavender replied, "Parvati had something stuck in her teeth and…"
"Do I look stupid to you?" Hermione cut in. "You don't go snogging in the hallways where everyone can see you! That's what randomly placed broom closets, empty classrooms, and inexplicably conjoined common rooms/bathrooms are for! Now shoo!" The author again hopes that the readers notice her knowledge of British lingo.
They obeyed her and Hermione set off to continue her search for Draco.
I know this is kind of short but it's all I got. I had to write this chapter three times because the first two times my disks decided that they hate me and unformatted themselves. The first version was hilarious. I'm not sure if you find this funny or not. But I tried. Hopefully, chapter seven will be funnier. Please review.
The next chapter will be called "The Déjà Vu Chapter" and will be making fun of Harry/Ginny fics. I don't know when I'll have it up because I've got to do some research but I hope it won't take long. I think for chapter eight I'm going to do what I feel is the dumbest, most ridiculous concept on this site: Male-Pregnancy.