I know I said "The Déjà vu Chapter" would be next but it's proving very difficult to write. So here is the chapter about male-pregnancy.

Chapter 7: The Anatomically Impossible Chapter

Hermione bounded into an empty classroom, still in search of Draco. Unfortunately, it again wasn't Draco who she found. It was also unfortunate that whom she did find happened to again be a weeping male. Remus Lupin sat curled in the corner nibbling on some chocolate with streaming wet tears cascading down his intelligently sad cheeks with…

Hermione tapped her foot impatiently waiting for the author to finish her sickening detailed description of Lupin's tears.

…what could only be described as surge of sad water. (For reference see my other fic Harry Potter and the Unacceptable Title).

"Not you too!" Hermione exclaimed.

"What do you mean, 'Not me too'?" he sniffled.

"I just got done consoling another sniveling shell of a man," she said, "now I have to do you too?"

"Who else is a sniveling shell of a man?" Lupin asked, tears still sliding down his face.

"Harry," she answered. "He was crying like a baby and planning to kill himself earlier."

"Really?"

"Yeah," she replied. "He's wearing girl pants too. It's not pretty." (AN: I actually think some guys are hot in girl pants…but that's just me.)

She strutted toward her former professor and knelt down beside him. "So what's up with you?"

Lupin's bottom lip trembled. "Well…it's…it's Sirius. I just miss him so much. I just don't know how I'm going to go on without him. This past year has been hell. And to top it all off, I just found out I'm pregnant!"

"What!" Hermione gasped.

"I know," Lupin said. "It's terrible. We never told anyone this, but the truth is that Sirius and I weren't just best friends, Hermione. Sirius was also my lover."

"What!" she gasped again.

"Yes," he said, nodding. "And boy what a lover he was. He could hit it doggy style like no other…"

"Okay!" Hermione exclaimed while the preteen author hopes the readers get her double meaning with the phrase "doggy style"…because Sirius could turn into a dog…get it? She eagerly prays for laughter at this even though the only reason she herself knows what "doggy style" means is because she heard her older brother talking about it on the phone while she hid in the closet with a notebook and a pen taking elaborate notes.

"So you're pregnant and Sirius is the father?" Hermione asked. "Or the mother?…Or…wait…" Hermione was trying to be helpful but she was a little confused by the fact that since Sirius died over a year ago the baby couldn't possibly be his. And even if it was in fact his then the baby should have been born months ago. Though all these thoughts tumbled around in her brain the fact that Lupin's a MAN didn't even enter her mind. But because the author decided to ignore these little fact Hermione decided to just blow past it. "What about Tonks?" she asked.

"What about her?"

"Aren't you two together?" Hermione asked.

"Yes, we are," Lupin said, looking down at the floor and nibbling on his chocolate. "And bless her, she tries. But she just isn't the same as my Siri. And the way she calls me 'Lupy Poopy' the way he used to just tears me up. And the sex…oh Lord, is it hard to be with a woman. Since I'm apparently the more effeminate of Sirius and I, I was always on the receiving end and it's just damn impossible to change now. It's just difficult to go from being the fuckee to the fucker, Hermione. Since you're a virgin you don't know anything about that yet but someday you'll understand."

Hermione averted her eyes. "Yes…virgin…right…of course," she muttered. "Who would I have slept with?"

Hermione actually was not a virgin. She was very far from it. In fact, if there was such a thing as a Hymen Graveyard, the gravestone marked "Hermione Granger's Hymen" would be old, chipped, and covered in cobwebs. Though Hermione's vagina was not covered in cobwebs because apparently in the fanfic world she gets more dick than Elizabeth Montgomery. Actual author of this parody wonders how many people will get that. If you do get it I applaud you.

I'm getting sidetracked.

At this, Lupin burst into another fit of sobs.

"Come on," Hermione said, lifting Lupin off the floor. "Come to the Gryffindor common room and I'll make you some tea." She was making tea because that's what British people drink. Not coffee…no sir. Coffee is for Americans and we'll be having none of that in a fic about British characters. Will we? No we won't.

When they reached the common room Hermione sat Lupin down on the couch. Soon after Harry, Ron, and Ginny entered through the portrait hole after an excellent day of Quidditch Practice/Chess Playing/Death Eater Ass-Kicking. After hearing the heartbreaking story, the three of them completely understood and Harry had no weird feelings whatsoever about the fact that his godfather and former teacher had had a torrid homosexual love affair.

"There's something else you should know," Lupin said. They all waited in suspense. Lupin paused for effect. "I'm pregnant."

"Pregnant?" Harry repeated.

"Yes," Lupin replied. "I'm pregnant. I'm with child. I'm expecting. I've got a bun in the oven. I'm knocked up…"

"Okay, okay!" Harry interrupted. "I get it!"

The author hopes the readers don't notice her lack of knowledge on all British phrases because if they do they'll see that Lupin just said, "I'm pregnant. I'm with child. I'm expecting. I've got a bun in the oven. I'm awake…"

No one questioned the fact that Lupin, a MAN, was pregnant with another MAN's baby. Apparently our dear preteen author needs to go have a talk with her mommy and daddy about where babies come from.

"Wait!" Ginny said. "You don't have a pussy!"

"Having a pussy's got nothing to do with it," Hermione said, petting Crookshanks. (AN: I realize I've used that joke before in an earlier chapter but it makes me chuckle so I did it again. It's my fic, I can do what I want.)

Ron didn't say anything because the author apparently forgot he was there.

"Hold it," Lupin said. "How am I supposed to give birth to this kid?"

"That doesn't really matter," Hermione said. "The author is most likely a twelve year old girl who is obviously oblivious when it comes to human anatomy and simple reproductive organs. She will probably ignore the fact that you don't have a uterus, a cervix, or a vaginal canal. So you better be prepared to push this baby out of your ass!"

Lupin's lip quivered and he burst into tears again.

Hermione, who couldn't take the sight of another man crying charged out of the room to look for Draco some more.

I don't really know about this chapter. Some parts I liked, others I didn't. It definitely not my favorite chapter.

Coming soon…"The Mary-Sue Chapter," "The If-I-Could-Turn-Back-Time Chapter," a Lily/James chapter, and eventually "The Déjà vu Chapter."

Please review. Also, I'd like suggestions.