"What the hell are you doing to Ruto?" questioned Zelda.

"Okay, look. She's like, raping me. I had nothing to do with this," replied Link.

"Is that even possible…?" asked Nabooru.

"Oh, it's very possible," replied Rauru.

"Old man, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" said Link. "Anyway, ladies, this isn't my fault. Give me a break." Zelda, Malon, and Nabooru glare at him, disbelieving.

Back in the kitchen, everybody else is having a different problem… Ganondorf, dressed in a top hat and a suit, says in his masculine voice, "Ganondorf the Great will begin his show in two minutes!"

"Hurry up!" whined Saria.

"Patience, little one," said Darunia to Saria.

"Okay… lemme just gather my shit here…" said Ganondorf, organizing his set.

"Ahem…" coughed Darunia, towards Ganondorf's swearing.

"Okay then, Ganondorf the Great will now make somebody disappear! Who would be oh so kind to volunteer!"

"Oh! I wanna!" said Saria with excitement. As she was walking up to Ganondorf, Darunia holds her back, giving a disapproving glare to Ganondorf. Impa and Sheik glance at each other, seeing if any one of them would actually volunteer.

After a minute of silence, Sheik finally volunteers. "I can disappear anyway, but I wonder if you can actually make me." He walks into a booth, and Ganondorf covers the cloth.

Ganondorf readies his magic wand, waves it, and says the words "Abra! Kadabra! Alakazam!" He then opens the curtain. Sheik is gone, but Rauru is in his place, wearing nothing but a red thong.

Darunia quickly stands up, and Saria covers her eyes. "Impa, get Saria out of here. I need to teach Ganondorf…" Darunia punches inside his hand, "a lesson."

"Look man, I didn't do it…" pleaded Ganondorf, slowly walking backwards with his hands up.

"You didn't plan it my ass. Prove it."

"I don't know, man, it just happened!"

Darunia slams Ganondorf against the wall. "Tell me!"

Ganondorf sees Rauru run out of the booth and skip outside. "Look! Because of our stupid argument he's getting away! He's gonna molest the children! The children!"

Darunia immediately takes his hands off of Ganondorf. Sheik breaks out of the booth he "disappeared" in. The three men run outside with rifles.

Back in the bedroom, problems still ensue… "Okay girls, Ruto is a gross fish lady. She's just obsessed with me."

Malon replied "well then, who do you like?"

"Well, erm… I kinda like Nabooru."

"I could've sworn it was Zelda…" said Ruto.

"Okay… can you please just get off of me now?" said Link.

"Oh… I completely forgot about that. Yeah."

Malon, Ruto, and Zelda stare coldly at Nabooru. They all stand there for a minute, but then Nabooru sprints away. The three girls follow. The house has now become a madhouse of girls chasing each other. All of a sudden, a machine gun is heard. "Enough is enough!" screamed Impa. "I have had it with these motherfucking chicks in this motherfucking house! I'm about to open some fucking windows…"

Everybody goes silent for a while. Link breaks the silence with, "yeah… good movie reference, but the windows part doesn't really make sense…"

"Jesus Christ, Impa," said Ruto, "I'm gonna tell Rauru for being so violent!"

"What's he gonna do, spank me?"

"Exactly."

"Um… huh?" Impa thinks for a moment and runs to the bathroom.

"Jeez Ruto…" said Link, "that was harsh. I mean, it's not only that he's gross, she's a lesbian. That's like saying that to a guy. It's even worse for us than it would be for you."

"She's a lesbian? Oh god, I feel awful."

"I mean, I haven't gotten any official word or shit, but I mean, how isn't she?"

"Yeah, it was sorta obvious, Ruto…" said Zelda.

Outside it's pitch black, around midnight, and the guys are still on the search for Rauru. "Shouldn't we have killed this guy like, a while ago?" said Ganondorf.

Rauru sneaks up behind Darunia and squeezes his ass. "What's up, sexy thang?"

"God Dammit!" Darunia turns around and shoots his rifle, but nothing was there.

"Haha, dude, what the hell was that?" asked Sheik.

Darunia, trying to catch his breath, said, "nothing… just a vision of a bad memory…"

Ganondorf quickly said directly afterwards, "I see him!" In the distance, you could see Rauru mooning the guys. Ganondorf, not holding anything back, shoots Rauru directly in the butt crack.

"Waaaaah!" wailed Rauru.

"Sweet! Nice job, Ganondorf!" said Sheik.

"Ah… don't thank me. Now, the children are safe, and that's what matters."

"Idiots! He's not dead! He's running away! Get him!"

The guys follow Rauru as fast as they can. They don't know where he is going, but they just know to follow…

So, what did you guys think? Feel free to send me suggestions (I can always add more to the original story and/or make a sequel) and read and review. More chaos next chapter.