Disclaimer: You guessed it, we don't own Twilight or its characters. We just make them really fucked in the head =D

K: Wow this is bitch is crazy! But fun to write =D I bet you thought we forgot, nope. Mad props to everyone that reads and reviews these little oneshots and OMS. OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! GUESSS WHAT?! Well, I'll let Robs tell ya ;-)

Robs: I am so excited I don't think anyone has any idea! We were nominated for a Sparkle Award! The Heat category A.K.A. Best lemon. ;) I have read the voting may start in August we'll remind you to go and vote for us when it comes time! Thank you to everyone :D

Big thanks to our beta AmberStar63 for looking this over with her red pen!

Playlist: Get low by Lil Jon; I can't do this alone by 3oh!3

Because I'm the shit

I banged on my brother's door. Lil Jon's Get Low was blaring loudly and if I wasn't in a hurry I would have enjoyed it. But I was. I told Mary I'd meet her so we could check out Chief Swan's house. It's haunted and that shit is awesome! If the claims are true, I'm so getting Mary to go back with me tonight and I'm taking my Ouija board.

"RANDY!" I banged again.

The door swung open, smoke blowing in my face. I inhaled deeply.

Mmm… this must be his new shit.

"What Jess?" he looked at me, clearly unhappy I was interrupting. But fuck, he's smoking without me.

"Can you roll me one? I need to get ready to see Mary," I asked, batting my eyelashes at him. He just nodded and slammed the door in my face. If he wasn't giving me free weed I would have called him a prick.

I danced my way back to my room. I pulled out my short cut off jean skirt and my hot pink tank that said "flirt" across the chest, throwing them on the bed.

I wonder if Eddie's home this weekend, I thought as I looked at the picture of Mary's sexy as fuck older brother. I seriously wondered if Mary was adopted because her mom was fucking gorgeous, her dad was a total DILF! And Edward, oh God, his name alone made me want to jump him.

Sometimes I didn't understand why I was friends with her. I mean I'm way prettier then she will ever be. Jesus, I have a D cup and she's still barely a C.

I rolled my eyes. And she's poor! God! I'm glad my daddy owns the dealership in town. He gives me everything I want.

I started applying my black eye liner, nice and thick. I think it made my eyes 'pop'. That's what Mary needed, more make-up. The little mascara and lip gloss, if she wears it, was not enough. I rolled my eyes again. She was just a helpless soul. I was merely trying to get her in the right direction, helping her find herself.

Yeah right, I'm just trying to get laid by her Sex God of a brother.

---

Seriously, why do I hang out with this spaz!? She looked like a reject version of Eminem. And what the fuck was up with the manly jeans, Jesus. If it wasn't for the fact that she was willing to check out the house with me, I would have ditched her ass.

We were getting closer to Chief Swan's house when I saw the door open.

HOLYFUCKINGSHIT!

"Oh my God!" I nudged Mary, passing her the joint.

"Ow, Jess!" She shoved me. Oh hell no bitch, don't fucking touching me. "What?"

"It's the ghost!"

Oh my god, I'm so coming back to do my séance!

I pointed to the side of the house, where there was now a very tall man leaning against the side.

Shit! He looked like Mary's type… poor. I snickered at my thoughts.

"Aren't ghost's supposed to be transparent?" She asked. I rolled my eyes at her. Fuck it's not like I said 'look there's Casper!' Besides, Patrick Swayze was most definitely not see-through.

She stumbled over a rock, causing me to bust-out laughing.

You dumb bitch.

The guy at the house snapped his attention to us. I saw Mary start to walk forward through the corner of my eye.

"Mary!" I hissed at her, what the fuck was she thinking?!

I jumped behind a tree and watched as Mary walked up to him. I decided I was going to watch her crash and burn with this dude. Seriously, she's fucked in the head if she thinks he's going to pay attention to her.

They were talking now. I felt the bile in my stomach rise when he pulled her to him. How could he want her?! She was so plain and gaunt looking. Ugh, this is so not fair! Fuck this shit, I need to get laid. I'm going to Tyler's.

----

I was rummaging through the fridge trying to find something low-carb and chocolaty. No luck.

The phone began ringing.

Well fuck, I wonder if Mary's done being raped.

"Hello?" I chirped into the phone.

"Hello Jessica, is Mary with you?" I swooned when I heard the husky voice of Edward Cullen. God, what I wouldn't give to blow him in his Volvo.

"Hey Edward…" I said seductively, I know the boys can't resist that.

"Hello Jessica, do you know where my sister is?" He sounded a little tense, I smiled as I thought of all the ways I could help him relax. The sound of his throat clearing snapped me out of my fantasies. Damn it.

"No, she left me to talk to some boy by Chief Swan's old house." I rolled my eyes. He wasn't even that hot. Edward was much hotter.

"So you just left her?" I gaped at the wall in front of me. What the hell? Why was he mad at me? His sister is the one that was acting like a cheap whore.

Suddenly I heard the line click and then silence.

Well thanks a lot Mary Cullen, fucking cock block.