"Black as the devil, hot as hell, pure as an angel, sweet as love."
- Charles Maurice de Talleyrand
The rain was coming down harder and I feeling it more now, but my stomach was aching from everything. Why had he come back? In the first days after his leaving the note I thought I never wanted him to return. As each day passed I realized that truly wasn't the case, but I wasn't going to be like I was last time; I couldn't go back to that state of emptiness. My black hole of an existence had nearly been my undoing emotionally and mentally. After surviving what we had survived with the Volturi I believed that nothing would ever separate us, but I had been wrong. Now I lay on the ground curled up wanting to die now that he was back.
My mind wasn't right. He had once called me his own brand of heroin, but I realized that was actually the other way around. Edward was in fact my sweet addiction. They say that beauty hides the greatest evil and though I don't see Edward as evil or as a monster, I know that he is the epitome of the quote by Charles Maurice de Talleyrand, "Black as the devil, hot as hell, pure as an angel, sweet as love." He was all those things given the right set of circumstances. My Edward was like the devil in disguise; I don't mean devil as in evil, but devil as in the reported beauty that the Morning Star had once been. He was that morning star to me He had been everything to me and so much more.
In the pelting rain I thought I heard that angelic voice that I had once been so attached to, so attuned to. My tears were still falling like the rain but my senses were muted because of my mind trying to protect me from the stress and strain of the situation. My private mind was trying to compartmentalize everything and it was not working very well. Slowly I looked up and there he was. Like the auditory hallucinations I had had the last time he had left me, I was now visualizing him there. Edward had no reason to follow me to the meadow. He didn't love me anymore. I had to be going crazy and yet I had done nothing to try and hear him. Nothing foolish or stupid like before. I had just run from my angelic devil by the name of Edward Cullen.
Dark doe eyes locked on the figment before me as I heard that melodious voice speak out, I "Bella…"/I It was all she heard but it was more than enough to gain her attention. The sound was barely audible to me, but still it was like the most wondrous sound I had heard in ages. Something inside of me wanted to jump up and reach out, but the part that was in control had me locked to the cold wet earth and all that I managed was to say, "Yes, Edward?" My tears were still falling but the rain did a good job of hiding them, thankfully. My eyes locked onto his as I tried to answer him but didn't know what more to say other than what I already had. No matter how he looked, he was still gorgeous to me. There was so much I wanted to say but the words were locked up inside of my heart and for the most part it would do no good. The rain was perhaps not the best reason to be outside at the moment but still it was a very good reason to me. It kept me grounded somehow. I have always hated the cold and the wet, but right now it was my friend as the large pelting raindrops hid s well as masked the fact that I was crying. The weather in the Olympic Peninsula was unpredictable and everyone living here all knew it, but right now I just needed some peace and didn't know how to gain that; no matter how much I wanted it and needed it.
Finally I somehow managed to speak up and asked him in a choked up voice, "What do you want? I have nothing left." The words came out in a squeak more than anything else. I really hated this. Only Edward could get me this worked up and though I could never really hate him, I did hate the fact that he held that kind of power over me in that instant. It was unfair and there wasn't a damned thing I could do about it. The hard thing was the fact that all I really wanted was for him to just wrap his arms around me and tell me it would be alright, but again I knew that wasn't happening. So I remained glued wet and cold to my spot on the damp ground where I had settled earlier. Looking up at Edward was almost painful as it was a blessing. Maybe I was the masochistic one instead of him. He didn't want me or so his note had claim and I had swore to myself that I would let him go and yet here he was and I wanted him here.
Was I a greater fool this time around, or was I just plain stupid and fool hearted? Either way he was here and I didn't want him leaving. Had I grown that desperate? I didn't want to think so but the evidence was speaking to the contrary. Edward had been my life and probably always would be. No matter what Jacob did or said, he would never light the fires in my heart the way Edward could. Jacob was my best friend and had done a lot for me when Edward had left the first time, but this time around there would be no recovering or no coming back from the edge. If I fell over this time, everything would be lost and I would let it go.
He didn't move for the longest time and I finally stared up at him and asked, "Are you going to stand there all damn day or are you going to tell me why you followed me up here?" My words came out a bit harsher than I intended, but right now I couldn't think straight enough to censor them the proper way. I wasn't trying to hurt Edward; I just needed him to do or say what he needed to and just give me some peace. He wanted me out of his life and so be it. I got the message. When he was not immediately forth coming with anything, I lay my head on my knees and just began to cry harder now not caring that he heard me. He had always hated me crying, but I couldn't help it. This was the first time I had really let go of myself since Charlie gave me Edward's note. Perhaps this was the catharsis I needed to start healing. I really didn't know. I just had so many questions and no answers. It was like starting over, but I wouldn't beg him, not this time, no matter if that was what I wanted to do more than anything else in the world.