Bane Interview
Announcer: Welcome back to your favorite talk show hosted by Hamnet-
Audience Member: *stands up* Isn't this the only talk show hosted by Hamnet?
Announcer: *points at audience member* Security, escort this man out.
*security arrives and drags the audience member out.
Announcer: So anyways, put your hands together for Hamnet!
Hamnet: *Hamnet walks in and heads for the microphone. The crowd roars* Come on everybody, shut up, Sh-shut up. *crowd roars again* I'm serious, shut up!
*crowd falls silent* until one man stands up and starts screaming again.
Audience Member 2: * after a bit, one man stands up and starts screaming again* I love Hamnet!!
Hamnet: You! *Hamnet points at the man* Quit screaming or I'm going to kick you out. Do you wanna be kicked out? Wanna join your friend, the one that just got kicked out by the nameless announcer.
Announcer: Actually my name is T-
Hamnet: Shut up announcer T!
Announcer: Okay…
Hamnet: So anyways, do ya'? *the man shakes his head* That's right, you don't. Now take a seat and I don't want to hear another peep outta you.
*the man sits down and starts crying. Another audience member next to him starts comforting him.
*awkward silence.
Hamnet: Okay then, on to the show! (/ fic since it's referred to both. Total confusion.) We have a great show, great, great show. We decided to invite a fan favorite, Ripred *crowd roars* Yeah, umm… we decided to invite him, but we couldn't quite contact him. So we sent a messenger to talk to him and umm… he's dead now. *crowd chuckles* Umm… I wouldn't really laugh. He's seriously dead now. We found his mangled carcass outside our studio with a card tied to his leg containing very violent threats. *crowd laughs* I'm dead serious, no pun intended. I guarantee you his family isn't laughing right now at his funeral. *crowd laughs* Pl- *crowd laughs* Please *crowd laughs* Ah, whatever. So anyways we great someone else pretty good, give it up for Bane!
*Hamnet walks to his chair. A big fat rat enters and sits on the couch and breaks it.
Bane: Oh… sorry about that. I umm…
Hamnet: It's okay, don't worry about it. We usually break that couch on our Friday night parties. So anyways Bane, there have been some reports from The Underland Chronicle (Ha, not The Underland Chronicles but chronicle, you know like a newspaper or a tabloid in this case. I know, I'm so smart I amaze myself,) that I'm pretty sure you won't exactly like.
Bane: Reports like what?
Hamnet: Reports that you've been gaining just some weight.
Bane: What?! That's a gross lie!
Hamnet: Well Bane, you did just break the couch with your weight, and not the way we do it on our Friday night parties. We do it with a couple of shots of tequila and either a chainsaw or a wild animal.
Bane: Look at me, I'm frekin' huge! I would have broke it anyways!
Hamnet: Umm… we ordered a couch that was mostly made of metal, and even you post COC would have been able to been able to sit on it alright.
Bane: Maybe I've gained a couple of tons…
Hamnet: Bane, just a couple! You're at least ten tons now!
Bane: Shut the hell up! You're lying! You're all lying! You're all going to die now!
Hamnet: Whoa Bane, you don't have to go all creepy Nazi Hitler on us and monologue like you did in Mark of secrets. We're all friends here, just calm down.
Bane: No! It's time to die Hamnet! *Bane stands up and roars*
Hamnet: Yeah, we kinda planned for this since Bane has all ways been a bit unstable so we have a way to stop him. Anyone have a guess?
*audience member raises his hand.
Hamnet: Yeah um you.
Audience Member 3: A zombie Ares and horny teenage gangster Gregor.
Gregor: *yells from backstage*It's Gangsta Pimp!
Hamnet: You're still here!
Gregor: Y'all got good tacos.
Hamnet: Actually, tacos is sort of close. We put bombs in the crawler burritos Bane was snacking on back stage.
Bane: Like that's gonna stop me! Like stupid burritos are gonna kill- Wait, did you say bombs?
*Bane suddenly explodes.
Hamnet: Okay… Well I guess-
*Audience suddenly explodes.
Hamnet: Ooh… Bad call on handing those out to the audience before the show. I need to fire whoever did that promotion.
Announcer: He ate on too.
Hamnet: Then less work for me. So long, and see you next time!