Author's Notes: In case it's not clear, the first few chapters of this fic will be journal entries, the perspective will switch later on in the story. As with many of my fics, it's going to get darker before getting any lighter. Please leave a comment if you'd like to read more. I'm working on a number of fics right now, but I'll try to update regularly. I have a pretty good idea where this is going, but I have not yet decided if Spock Prime will make an appearance so let me know if you have an opinion. Feedback is love and will be rewarded with cookies (and smut).
I've never had a confidante, someone I could feel truly comfortable telling everything to. Even with Bones, easily the closest friend I've ever had, I hesitate to share much of myself. Sure he knows me better than anyone else, but there are so many things I couldn't bear to tell him, couldn't bear to make myself vulnerable in that way, and now things are different. I'm his Captain after all, and while we're still great friends it's not the same.
There's never been anyone else I would consider telling these things to. Well maybe one person…but no I couldn't do that, not now, not ever. Sad isn't it, Captain James T. Kirk with only a journal for a confidante and comfort. That's the way it's always been after all, but I've never needed someone to be there for me as much as I do now.
I never expected this, never wanted this. Sure I talked about it enough, that I would make Captain some day, sooner than anyone would ever expect, but I never really wanted to be Captain. I never wanted to have that weight on my shoulders, the responsibility of my crew and my ship. It's one thing for me make risky decisions and play fast and loose with my own life, one thing to put myself in harms way, but if a member of my crew died as a result of my orders…I don't think I could bear it. And it's so isolating at the top, I can't admit to fear or weakness without looking incapable, and the shame of…no, I won't think of that.
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I've always felt like there was something missing, some piece of me that was incomplete, like a jagged hole in my mind and soul that nothing could fill. I knew it was out there somewhere, but I never thought I would find it, never thought that I would someday put a name to that missing part. Still, I couldn't help searching, and that drive is part of why I joined Star Fleet, something in me said that that was what I needed to do if I ever hoped to be whole and I couldn't help but listen.
And then I saw Him, and I realized. I didn't find out the name until much later, but from the second I laid eyes on Him I knew that this was what I was missing. But I had no way of getting His attention; He certainly wouldn't be impressed by my name or my charms. I had to do something though, find some way to make a connection with this man who held part of my soul. That was why I cheated the Kobayashi Maru simulation, I thought it would get His attention and it certainly did, but I didn't think He would react that way. He was so cold, so angry at me. It hurt; it hurt so much to hear Him talk about me like that. Did He not know... or did He not care. I wasn't going to give up that easily though, at the very least I needed to have Him as a friend.
As ticked as I was with Bones, I was so grateful that he had managed to get me onto the Enterprise. I was desperate to be on the same ship as Him, to be as close as I could. It hurt me so much when we failed, when Vulcan couldn't be saved. I could see how devastated He was, even though He hid it. He didn't deserve to know the pain of a lost parent, of a lost home; there should have been something more we could have done. I was anxious to help Him in someway, to ease his pain however I could and then…
He marooned me, abandoned me to potential death. The betrayal of it was a complete shock to my system; I knew He didn't like me, didn't respect me, but to...it cut me to the quick. And then to be rescued by of all people, a man claiming to be an older version of Him from an alternate universe, a man claiming to be my friend, oh the irony. When He melded our minds together I…it doesn't matter, I won't keep doing this, I won't keep torturing myself this way. He told me what to do and I followed his instructions, but god I wish I hadn't had to. I certainly understood the necessity, but every part of me rebelled at the thought of causing any kind of pain to Him. I couldn't even bring myself to fight back, I had hurt Him, my words had hurt Him. If beating me, hell killing me, helped Him, then so be it.
Later, actually working together was such a rush, I felt so in sync with Him. Though I admit I had a few bad moments, when I worried that His need for revenge had over taken any self-preservation instincts. I have never been so relieved, as when Scotty managed to beam him aboard. Everything was a whirlwind after that, being named Captain, and then Him coming aboard, as if there was anyone else that could take that place at my side. And here we are, yet nothing has really changed. He still can't seem to stand me, and I'm still stuck hopelessly needing my T'hy'la.