Disclaimer: Nothing in the Twilight universe belongs to me. No copywrite infringement is intended.
French quote from Les Mouches by J.P. Sartre.
Last two translated quotes from A. Camus.
A/N:
So much thanks to my 'holy crap, let me fix this mess' beta Tnuccio. You've really got smoothing my stilted style down to a science. I'm amazed that you always know exactly what I want to say when I can't think of how to say it!
Also merci mille fois to WWAD Ava Sinclair for keeping me true to my vision for Alice, and for helping me over some serious insecurities in this long awaited chapter.
Despair
"NO NO NO NO." Edward chanted, as if he repeated it enough it would come true.
The silence was so thick it was stifling, but it only lasted an instant. Jasper's hand tightened convulsively on mine as Edward's sudden influx of emotions crashed into him. My eyes flicked vampire-fast to each member of my beloved family as I tried to read their emotional-state. In the heartbeat of silence, it was obvious that the argument we'd had before Edward came in the house was only the first circle of hell.
Although the shock of Edward's outburst had dampened them, the flames of rage had never left Rosalie's eyes. With her teeth bared, lip pulled back in a snarl, it was only Emmett's grip that held her to the couch. Ok, Rosalie livid…check.
Emmett was as easy to read as Rose. He was torn between holding Rosalie to the seat, and grabbing Edward by his collar and shaking him like a terrier would shake a rat. His eyes darted from the blond anger-generator to the bronze angst-machine. Emmett irritated…check.
Oh my poor Jasper. I glanced at him quickly; his eyes were shut against the deluge of feelings and his body shuddered violently. Obviously he wanted Edward to feel his pain, because he did nothing to diffuse the situation. Jasper vindictive…check.
Carlisle and Esme looked slightly dazed; their eyes mirrored mine as they flashed from face to face. Carlisle analyzed postures and positions in an effort to determine what defense, if any, was needed. Esme recovered from the initial surprise and her face was stormy with disappointment. Carlisle and Esme upset…check.
Edward just looked agonized; his pleading eyes never left my face. He hadn't moved more than two steps into the room, frozen in place by Bella's ruby gaze. I wanted to roll my eyes, but the atmosphere didn't lend itself to eye rolling. I sighed instead. Angst-boy distressed…check.
Then the instant was over and the room descended into chaos.
"What were you thinking, you fool? Do you think you know everything just because you can hear what-"
"You've really done it this time Edward. I should just let Rosalie go, but then there'd be nothing left of you for me. Give me one-"
"What is going on here? Edward you didn't tell us that-"
"I cannot believe how you- how my children, have disappointed me with this display of-"
I felt the tension strengthen and swell. Jasper's silent but effective contribution to the dissonant voices pushed me over the edge. Although everyone except for Esme had addressed him, Edward's eyes never left mine. His gaze had almost become physically painful.
"Stop it!" I tore my eyes from Edwards's, jumped up, and shoved Jasper's hand to his chest. "And you…you of all of them, how can you do this? You are hurting Edward, which I'm sure is your intention, but you're hurting me too, Jazz." My anger dissipated into sorrow, and my voice lowered to a whisper, "And neither is ok."
The next blink of silence was promising, but hell hath no fury like a Rosalie interrupted. I was sure that in spite of her apology in school yesterday, she's been itching to call me out on something. She turned her searing stare on me.
"Why are you always standing up for him, Alice? He's put us in danger. When I say us, I mean the whole-" Her tone became condescending, "-family. Are you looking for the end of your existence, because I sure-as-hell am not." Her burning gaze was like a finger jabbing my chest with every word.
"Alice." Jasper's voice cut straight to my heart as he cut off Rosalie's verbal assault. "You don't know what the Volturi are capable of. They can and have destroyed whole covens to preserve the secret of our existence. Edward is risking our lives with his little game. I will not forgive him for involving you so deeply." His voice finished in a growl directed at the object of his anger.
Emmett stepped forward slightly, but his meaty hand remained firm on Rosalie's shoulder. He left his eyes on Edward but the question was unmistakably for Jasper. "What do you mean, whole covens? We had nothing to do with this. None of us knew what…" His head whipped around and his eyes locked with mine.
"You knew," he accused. "You knew he was going to save her yet you did nothing to prevent this disaster." The accusation ended in a snarl.
The situation continued to spiral out of control. We were on the brink of something so mind-boggling, I wouldn't have believed it if I had foreseen it. Rosalie was coiled to spring at Edward the instant Emmett dropped his hand to charge me. Jasper's aggressive growls alternated between Edward and Emmett. He had put himself between me and the other two. Edward hadn't moved an inch, hadn't acknowledged anyone's presence in the room. He still stared at me, his eyes bleak and beseeching. What's with you? Defend yourself. He barely shook his head.
"Jasper, I would ask you to please help me out here." Carlisle's calm voice filled the room as he walked to Edward and pushed him towards the piano bench. "We will discuss this like the civilized, intellectual people we are."
The hostility did not let up. Jasper's hands tightened into fists by his sides. I stepped forward to take his hand and try to convince him that discussion was the path we needed to take, but Esme beat me there. Her teeth were clenched, fighting against the rolling fervor Jasper was churning out. Her hand rested lightly on his shoulder as she leaned close to whisper something in his ear. He turned to her in surprise and she smiled ruefully. The pressure melted; I could suddenly relax. The breath flew from my lungs with a whoosh; I hadn't even realized I'd been holding it. A quick vision popped in my head, and I relaxed further: We are still together in the morning, even after all the arguing that I see is to come.
The rest of the room unwound little by little. All previous emotions were there, just muffled by Jasper compliance with Esme's whispered request. Rosalie's anger smoldered under a blanket of calm, and the aggressive light in Emmett's caramel eyes was only slightly dimmed. Jasper reached back for my hand, never taking his eyes from Emmett, and led me to the piano. Esme followed with Rose and Emmett in tow.
We arranged ourselves on the platform and settled in for what, I was sure, would be a heated "discussion." I gently closed the lid to the piano then climbed up to perch with my arms wrapped around my legs, chin on my raised knees. Jasper leaned against the gentle curve of the instrument and rested his arm around my hunched shoulders. We are all still together tomorrow; we are all still together tomorrow. Edward turned to me once again, the strange begging light still in his eyes. Time for twenty questions. I sighed and Jasper tightened his arm.
Do you want me to stay quiet about what I saw?
His head barely moved, but the movement was obviously affirmative.
Are you going to be honest with me about why?
He hesitated, Edward… His eyes closed in resignation.
You realize that if I have to lie to Jasper again for you, you owe me 15 years of your existence as "Super Shopping Companion?"
Agony flickered fleetingly across his face, but he set his jaw and nodded.
"More secrets?" Rosalie spat after seeing Edward nod at me, "I told you she had a hand in this."
I felt as Jasper tensed at my side. I shook my head slightly and leaned against his body, resting my head near the crux of his shoulder. Carlisle gave Rosalie a warning stare and proceeded to start talking.
Everyone had their turn to express their fears and concerns. Edward explained how by breaking his original promise he had changed Bella's fate and her new destiny was untimely death. Since he was the catalyst of this change, he felt driven by self-appointed responsibility to keep her alive. There was an angry rumble as he mentioned he had questioned her in class, but it stayed a rumble. The relatively calm conversation was punctuated by a few outbursts and mild threats. The moon glowed high in the purple velvet sky when, inevitably, Carlisle turned to me.
"What have you seen Alice?"
Before I could begin, Rosalie hissed something about co-conspirator, which in turn had Jasper and Emmett at each other's throats. I cleared my throat and Jasper stiffly returned to my side.
"Let me fight my battles, Jasper. I know better than to let Rosalie get under my skin." I leaned back against him again and continued.
"And Rose, contrary to your belief, I did try to stop him. I'm sure you realized that when you popped out the dent I left on the Volvo's hood."
She harrumphed and resumed staring indifferently at her perfect oval nails.
"I've seen that the Swa –Bella is suspicious of Edward. She knows he wasn't by her car, but she can't logically explain what she thought happened. Now, she's decided she won't tell any of it to anyone…even her father."
Carlisle nodded slowly and turned to face all of us.
"How are we going to handle this?"
"We should kill her." The voice was flat, its tone practical. I would not have recognized it if it didn't come from directly over my shoulder. "She knows too much and we can't trust her."
"NO!"
For the second time tonight Edward shouted, but this time he also lunged for Jasper. Emmett had managed to grab his arm and sling him back against wall before Jasper was tackled to the piano. Emmett then stepped forward to stand beside Jasper, one thumb looped in a beltloop the other reaching. Rosalie smirked, unfolded her impossibly long legs, and moved under Emmett's outstretched arm. Oh no, not lines.
Edward sat crumpled at the base of the wall. He wasn't physically hurt, I was sure, but the emotional anguish must have been too much. Carlisle moved to his side and crouched to make eye contact. Edward nodded morosely, and then rested his arms on his knees. His hands and head hung limp, his posture and spirit broken. My silent heart twisted at what I was about to do. I hoped Jasper would hear my plea in his heart because I knew he wouldn't be able to pull it from my mind. Please love me still, Jazz. Our family will only be whole if she lives. I turned to Jasper and poured all of the love I'd ever felt for him into the kiss I brushed across his lips. I love you; I hope you understand.
Our eyes met, and shock at my betrayal flashed across his face as he realized my decision. I slipped from the piano and walked over to Edward's hunched form. Esme remained between the two groups, trying in vain to prevent us from unraveling. Her eyes were black pools, pleading first with Jasper, then with Carlisle for an end to this unanticipated madness. The lines were drawn; let it begin.
"You were right, Alice." Edward whispered, head hanging, his words falling like tears to the hardwood floor. "I have marked her for death. If it isn't by some freak accident, it will be by the hand of a member of my own family. We are unnatural, an abomination…I shouldn't exist."
"That is enough Edward. We are through talking for now." Carlisle's voice was firm. It was obvious that he was speaking to everyone in the room. "I suggest we each take some time to ourselves to think about this situation. We have not acted like the family I know we are. I think we need to start making conscious rational decisions instead of the emotional ultimatums that we seem to have resorted to. We are better than what we have shown here today, we need to start acting like it."
He cleared his throat and thought for a moment before continuing. "I do have this to say, however. No one living under my roof will ever premeditate death for an innocent. If any of you choose to take this girl's life, do not return here. You will no longer be called son or daughter, sister or brother. You will no longer exist as my family."
I could hear authority ringing in Carlisle's usually mild voice, and the pain and hope that he wouldn't have to make true on his command flared in his hardened eyes. The room was a vacuum, no drawing of breath, no rushing blood, no beating hearts. Exist, not live. The words echoed in my mind. The only life I know isn't even life. They all have their memories to make them more human. I have nothing. What does that make me? The room was quiet as death, and for the first time I was horrified by what I was. I was a mockery of life; a blasphemy who finally understood Edward's brooding silences and self-loathing. My gasp crashed through the stillness like shattering crystal and in a flash they both stood at my side. I could feel everyone's eyes on me, waiting for the worst.
"No, Alice! Listen, it's not like that at all-" Edward immediately tried to stop my swift descent into numbness and reassure the whole family at the same time. He turned to face Esme. "She didn't see anything concerning our safety. Apparently my mood is contagious; perhaps I've acquired a bit of Jasper's gift." His attempt at lightheartedness fell flat. His worried eyes jumped back to my face.
Jasper knelt in front of me, and placed his palm on my cheek, thumb lightly caressing my cheekbone. I felt the visions churning, vying for position at the edge of my consciousness. For the first time, the desire to know fought with the fear of actually seeing. I needed a distraction, a focus that would keep me here with Jasper. I looked into his eyes, searching for a reason to continue this parody. I saw a lost little girl, shocked by unfamiliar uncertainty and teetering on the brink of devastation, who is that? I retreated from her empty eyes and closed my own, surrendering to the swarm.
XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo
"Lis…Alice, darlin', come back to me." His honeyed voice whispered in my ear. I felt his long fingers trace gently through my hair, soothing and relaxing. I stiffened, remembering where I was and what was happening. Wait, what did happen!? The calming hand stilled, and a well-muscled arm tightened around my waist holding me firmly in his lap.
"You scared us, wee one. You've never been gone this long before…" He was obviously prompting me to speak, but I couldn't remember what had happened much less what I'd seen.
"What happened?" I raised my face to look into his eyes. I felt ethereal, any second and his calm breath would blow me into a thousand little pieces. "Why are we in Edward's room?"
He smiled; obviously relieved I had not lost my mind. "Our bed isn't finished yet, and I thought you needed to lay down. Edward left with Esme for a quick hunt before school. He went all Caligula on us when you went down." Jasper smirked and continued, "For an anti-existentialist he sure knows a lot of that play."
I shrugged and rolled my eyes and he went on.
"Carlisle thought it best if he got out for awhile. Whatever you were seeing was really upsetting him." He shifted slightly, pulling me closer into his protective embrace.
Bits and pieces of what I'd seen were coming back to me. A room was ensanguined; there was evidence of a violent struggle. Her voice had fluctuated wildly between pleading murmurs and bloodcurdling shrieks, then a silence more frightening than her screams. I had heard the wet snap of bones breaking; her heart slowing, stuttering. I'd seen Edward's mouth on her wrist, agony and fear in his eyes… I shook my head to clear it. Our house was serene; the only noise I could hear was Rosalie and Emmett as they got ready for school.
"How long was I gone?" Maybe I had been lucky. Perhaps the entire day had been a freakish vision. The belligerent atmosphere and tension in the air was totally gone, almost as if it had never happened. I struggled to sit up, pushing myself out of Jasper's lap and onto the couch next to him.
"About fifteen minutes. You scared me…hell, you scared us all, Alice. You've never done that even in all the time you and I have been together. You practically convulsed with the strength of the vision. Edward was writhing in agony with you, but he refused to tell us what happened. He just held your hand and kept repeating that we weren't in danger." His lips brushed my forehead and I felt my hands unclench, and my eyebrows retreat from their bunched formation. Although I wished otherwise, I knew it was more than just his kiss that lifted the weight from my shoulders.
"He wouldn't leave you until I threatened him and even then he had to be physically removed. You sure are something, wee one. You hit the ground and all the fight went out of everyone. Rosalie and Emmett helped drag Edward outside so he would go with Esme. We're still not happy with what Edward did, but when you fell, I think we understood that everything had been taken too far. I'm so sorry, love." His eyes were mournful, and the apology was heartfelt. I tucked my head into the crook of his arm and snuggled into his embrace.
"Jasper, until right before I lost it I've always been confident that we have a place in the world. I've always thought Edward's brooding silences were attention-seeking. Then suddenly I understood…and I don't want to understand anymore. He bears too much of what he can't control."
When I looked back, Jasper's eyes were far away, gazing out the southern glass wall. The deep purple was fading from the velvet sky, lightening to lavender softened by clouds. "La vie humaine commence de l'autre côté de désespoir." He murmured to himself. God, his accent was like nails on a chalkboard, but the words were the piece I was missing. What should be Edward's mantra had just tumbled from my husband's lips. So strange that the two of them weren't closer as brothers, they had so much in common.
"I'm going to tell you something but you can't tell anyone else. Edward will know, naturally, but promise on our love that you won't repeat anything I tell you."
The distance disappeared from his eyes, as he turned to me, curious. "I promise, Alice, on my love for you that I won't tell a soul."
"He loves her, Jazz. That's why he can't stay away from her. He won't admit it though. He's hiding behind his irrational claim of responsibility. I had been seeing her dead, of course, like I told everyone, -but now I'm seeing her changed." I let my thoughts go where they wished as I mused aloud, "I was seeing her changed when he freaked out; he doesn't want her to be one of us. I didn't understand until that one moment." I sighed at the bubble of desolation caused by the memory.
His eyes were bewildered and his jaw tight as he fought back what I was sure was a barrage of questions and concerns. I could feel my mouth bow downward as the biggest question loomed. In love with a human?
"Shame on you Jasper Whitlock, love knows no bounds."
"It's not the love that I'm concerned about, it's the ramifications of said love."
"He needs this…needs her. We wouldn't be complete without each other, Jazz, and I know it will be the same with them." The scowl deepened as I tried to find a way to make him understand. "I need to talk to him."
Jasper tipped my face to his and captured my frowning lips in a lingering kiss. "And so you will. They didn't go far and I'm sure he's listening for you."
He was so calm now, so accepting of my stance, and explanation. All residues from my disloyalty had disappeared from his eyes.
"Why are you doing this, Jasper? Is this some kind of test? I'm not going to choose between the two of you; I love you both too much. It would tear me apart." My growing suspicions were interlaced with guilt for their existence.
"I know it would. I'm ashamed of my behavior before, Alice. I can't lose you; I won't lose you. I couldn't go on without you by my side." His lips murmured against my temple and my eyes closed in bliss at the love that filled the room. "He has put you in danger, and to me, that is unforgivable. Unless, of course, he is willing to take the proper action to ensure your safety. I know he loves you as much as I do, even if it is in a different way. I have to trust that he will take the appropriate steps to guarantee we will be secure."
"Why the initial agreeability though? Before the fight turned real ugly, one little comment from Esme and you're happily playing Prozac for the entire room."
"She asked the right question. It's something that I need to remind myself when I'm feeling a bit out of control. It works every time."
I leaned away and arched an eyebrow. "What did she ask you?"
"Do you trust your wife?" He said simply, his eyes glowed with reverence. "And I do…implicitly."
I couldn't stop the tug at the corners of my mouth, and I pulled his head to mine so he could taste the smile instead of the frown. His hands moved to gently frame my face and he deepened the kiss. I wanted to lose myself with him, to stop time at this moment of bliss. There was pressing business to attend to, however, and I broke the kiss with regret. His tawny eyes were soft, but the spark of desire was there. He sucked his lower lip into his mouth.
"Delicious."
The motion sent shivers down my spine. We had enough time. School wouldn't start for another two hours. I closed my eyes and leaned in again, wanting to capture that lip for myself. The kiss was soft and beautiful, but not what I was expecting. When I met his eyes, they were shining with mischief. I drew my lips into the most devastated pout I could manage. He chuckled.
"You need to talk to our brother. No one understands him like you do, and he needs that now. Today will be damage control; I'm going to go get ready for school. I'll meet you in the car." He winked and I realized my 'only-works-on-Jasper face', no longer worked on Jasper. Damnation.
EDWARD, ROCK, NOW! Time to throw a little Sartre at the boy. I think Jasper knew I needed the quote as much as Edward did. I skipped down the two flights of stairs, out the door and straight to our much-abused meeting place. Old gloom and doom was already balanced in my spot. His eyes jumped to life when he saw me.
"I'm sorry Alice, they made me leave. Jasper was going to tear my head off if I didn't go, but I couldn't just run off with you submerged in that hell. They didn't understand…I just couldn't-"
"Shhhh. Edward, it's ok. I'm better now, some. I don't blame you, or any of them. I just need us to be together, everyone. Jasper and I talked. He trusts me and my judgment of the situation." And we're all still together today. This family is all I have, Edward. All of you have your human memories. I only have the future and sometimes it's lonely there.
He slid down from his perch on the boulder and landed nimbly beside me. His arm slipped around my shoulders and I leaned back and closed my eyes to absorb the comfort he gave. You don't have to explain anymore Edward. I understand now, why her change frightens you. He started to talk but I held my hand up to silence him. I understand, but I don't agree. Jasper is right; life does start on the other side of despair. You've agonized long enough, brother; it's time to live.
He shook his head. "We don't live, Alice, we exist. You said so yourself. I'm not taking her life just because we can find some existentialist drivel to rationalize your visions. I don't care which great philosopher you or Jasper, or even Carlisle for that matter, find to justify her becoming one of us. It's not going to happen." His jaw was set and his lips were drawn in a stubborn line. His arm was still around my shoulders though, so I wrapped an arm around his waist and hugged him.
"The quote was for you, Edward. Live a little."
He sighed and stepped toward to house pulling me with him. "I hate Sartre you know, the pompous windbag. He's always been Jasper's muse, and suitably so. I'll take Camus over Sartre any day."
Before I could respond, a vision of the coming day jumped and skipped through my mind. The mindless little sheep would surround Bella with their well wishes and questions and repeatedly she would defer all concern to the "hero" of the accident. Not a mention of the strange circumstances surrounding her rescue. Not a suspicion on anyone's face. We were safe.
Edward continued to the car, but there was relief in his eyes. As we walked to meet the others in the garage I stopped and turned. "You know, you need to hear this. Rosalie should to hear it too, but she wouldn't appreciate it for what it is." For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life: as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.
He rolled his eyes. "You want to play that game with me little sister? Go tell your existentialist husband to ponder this: Only a philosophy of eternity, in the world today, could justify non-violence." He hugged me briefly, and I knew the bravado was all for show.
I grinned and threw out one last taunt. I do so think I would like a little sister. How about her instead of the moon? I ducked under his arm and ran up to the car leaving him grumbling.