Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.
A/N: This is going to be a long one…
* Angst means confusion in Dutch.
* I have taken Jasper's full name from a fic by Minisinoo called Cowboys and Indians. Her story and mine have nothing in common besides the name and Jasper's essential existentialism. I took the name because I love her explanation for it and as a tribute to one of my favorite fanfics. Cowboys is AMAZING and I highly recommend reading it.
Now. This was supposed to be posted on Christmas, but we all know the holidays and how things get out of hand. I was out of town, had the pleasure of the stomach flu, then got to come home a day early because of frantic calls from my dogsitter, phone calls to the local emergency Vet, and finally having to put my baby to sleep. It's been a rough 4 days.
This chapter goes out to all of my friends who have been nothing but incredible to me the past two days. Sam, my new writing buddy. Tammy, beta fantastico and Saturday interlocutor. Melia, your chapter was beautiful and the dedication brought tears of happy with the sad. Ava, for the late night reviewing of sentence after sentence for my addled brain. And finally, Kate, my bestie, I dunno where I'd be right now if it weren't for you. Curled up in a corner and crying I'm sure…story forgotten. Lola always enjoyed my late night revisions because she could lay in my lap under the PC. This one is for her.
Angst
I'd managed to keep the end of the bedroom vision hidden from Edward. It was exceedingly difficult to keep it secret. My romantic heart wanted nothing more than to watch the little scene over and over, the excitement of blossoming love sparking in my unbeating heart. I was becoming more obsessed with this relationship than Edward. Bad sign.
"Edward, you can't be serious." I leapt nimbly from the boulder as he approached, anxiety veiled by my light tone. "I mean, I don't see any trouble…but-" I couldn't stop the thought. It's awfully..um.. creepy.
Creepy is my increasingly consuming investment in this whole situation. I had always known that Jasper and I would be together, our bond was stronger than the flashfire of new love. I was startled by the regret I felt for never having experienced the little thrill that uncertainty brought to courtship, but then again I rarely experienced uncertainty. Was it the novelty of the unknown or envy? Jazz and my relationship was eternal, why did I feel so drawn to the fireworks Edward's obsession ignited? This whole cluster of emotions I kept finding myself in was very Rosalie-ish. Too much so for my liking.
"Creepy, wee one?" Edward's quiet question pulled me from my musings, there was a hint of amusement in his response. "And you're nothing like Rosalie you know, I can see inside that mind of hers. Rosalie's thoughts are usually for herself, at least recently they have been. I've really upset her with my behavior. You though, you're always thinking of the rest of the family."
Apparently I had been incredibly vigilant in hiding my sister-wanting thoughts. He wouldn't think me so selfless if he has seen how much I thought of all the things Bella and I could do together. I don't think he had actually come to terms with what he's decided to do. I know I certainly hadn't. I'd spent the rest of the school day in a swirl of emotions: My brother was a potential stalker. But he was stalking my potential little sister. My brother was in love with a human. But the human keeps showing up changed in my visions. The outcomes from this foreseen tryst just wouldn't firm themselves up, and I was mighty frustrated. Would he continue to try talking to her or was this a goodbye? I didn't want to imagine the argument that was going to ensue after this little tête à tête. I flipped a few scenes in my head: lots of yelling in one, packing and leaving in another, and then, exactly what I was looking for: Emmett would be obliging tonight. With a little sugaring on my part, and a promise to buy Rosalie whatever she needed to replace the engine on his jeep, he will agree to take her hunting tonight. If Rosalie wasn't home when Edward dropped this bomb, Jasper would be the only one we needed to convince that our cover wouldn't be blown.
Edward snorted at the vision, but his responding comment was flooded with appreciation.
"I wasn't really looking forward to an encore with Rose, Alice." He caught up my hand, fiddling nervously with my wedding ring and not meeting my eyes. "Thanks for taking care of that for me. " Then he took a deep breath. "What about Jasper?"
He looked up then, fingers still around mine. I pulled my hand from his grasp. "What are you saying, Edward?" He wouldn't dare-
"No! No, no…Alice, I don't want to be the cause of any more problems between the two of you. Be honest with him, by all means. I don't want you to hide anything."
Before he finished his sentence, I had already given both decisions a glance. If I was evasive with Jasper as to Edward's whereabouts this evening, he would sense the guilt, become suspicious, and mope in his study with Huis Clos for company. If I decided to be upfront, we would skip the first two reactions and go straight to the sulk and Sartre. I gritted my teeth and had a sudden urge to run something down.
"I need to go hunt…now." I turned abruptly and sprinted off into the forest. Part of me hoped he wouldn't follow, yet another part of me wanted the comfort his company brought. I heard the dead brush crackle behind me and I smiled a little at his attempt to give me both distance and companionship.
"Right, Alice. Elk to the right."
That's not much of a chase, I want something faster. I need to run off some frustration. The image of a quick catch and temporary relief from the ever-present burn flashed quickly through my mind and I changed course. I could always race Edward for a little de-stress run.
"I'm sorry forest creature; I do respect your life." I muttered under my breath. I'm sure Edward was fighting back a chuckle, as Jasper did every time I apologized to my prey for taking the only thing it owned. Only Esme understood my regret.
There was no chase; the poor ungulate didn't even have time to react to my approach. I downed him and had him drained before Edward arrived. The reprieve of searing thirst cleared my head, providing space for snippets of scenes and sounds, one chasing another with no apparent rhyme or reason to any: a flash of canary yellow, a wolf howl, Emmett in the backseat of his jeep,. It was the last image that lingered: Bella curled into a ball in the woods, living yet not. My eyes jumped to Edward's.
"I'll tell her to stay out of the woods." He shrugged but he couldn't hide the initial flash of panic that crossed his face. "I'm going to find this one's herd." He disdainfully nudged the fallen elk with a toe. "Herbivores…." The disgust was evident in his voice.
"Look, beggars can't be choosers. Go on to Goat Rocks, I'll tell everyone where you went." I was giving him an out, a chance to make a decision that would lead him away from Isabella Swan. I knew he would test it, so I closed my eyes and leaned against a towering cedar. The onset was swift and had I not been leaning I would have staggered: Rose's beautiful face was hard with anger and she stood toe to toe with Edward. "Why should I?" Her incredulous voice radiated cold fury. "What is she to me? Except a menace – a danger you've chosen to inflict on all of us."
The scene abruptly ended with her scathing comment and another filled my mind: me this time, my face stoic, eyes dull and unfeeling. Jasper stretched on a couch behind staring silently at the ceiling, body tense. I heard no other voices, and as I focused I realized I had no idea where we were. It wasn't our house, or any house I'd been in before. I shook my head to clear the vision.
"So which is it?" I didn't bother opening my eyes. This was a defining moment; he was going to have to be honest about his fixation with Bella.
"The first that we saw." He answered slowly, drawing the words out. "Rosalie wouldn't leave us if I did something drastic and upset her. She enjoys carrying that grudge too much."
"I wouldn't leave either." I spoke with a confidence I wasn't sure I had, then continued softly, cowed by my uncertainty. "Are you going to Goat Rocks tonight?"
"You know where I'm going, Alice."
With that he was gone, Rosalie's rage swirling behind my closed eyes.
XxXxXx
"Emmmmmettt." I crooned towards the Du Loc River and open forest beyond. "I know you can hear, I've seen you try to tackle me." I waited crouched and ready to run, listening for his telltale chuckle. I heard a whoosh of air and a watery slosh. "Oh god Emmett, you aren't seriously still testing that ridiculous theory?"
A few months back, we all had been sitting around the house one afternoon waiting for Carlisle to come home from the hospital. A group hunting trip had been planned, and the boys had been lamenting the lack of variety in big predators. We all preferred the blood of predators if we had a choice, but seven vampires hunting what can only be called an underabundance of carnivores would lead to the eventual extinction of our favorite meals.
"You know," Rosalie had said thoughtfully, "Why do we limit ourselves to dry land?"
"Really Rosalie, fish?" Jasper had chuckled, "I think they're probably as appetizing as squirrels or rabbits."
"Not fish, idiot, sharks. Or dolphins…whales even." Rosalie's retort had cut Jasper's disdainful laughter like a knife. She'd continued, ignoring his scathing glare. "I mean, we don't have to breathe. Why not jump to the top of the food chain in the water as well?"
Jasper and Rosalie had argued for a solid week, going around and around about whether or not becoming kings of the sea would even be possible. Edward and I had egged them on; Edward confirming that he'd seen a vision of mine where we all had feasted on a single orca. Only Emmett had uncharacteristically remained aloof from the bickering, quietly pensive until I had seen his plan: practice in the river honing technique and timing until he felt ready to try open water. Futilely. I had tried reasoning with him, describing the bits and pieces of visions where I'd seen him soggy for months without measureable success. He hadn't wanted to hear it. Undeterred by my warnings and the laughter and teasing from everyone else, Emmett spent most of his free time in the river, chasing fish. Obstinate and now apparently clairvoyant, since he'd take no advice from me. That's fine, it kept him busy enough to slow down the number of practical jokes he planned for me. I hoped he was slightly successful this evening because I needed a favor and he needed to be in a good mood.
"What do you need, Alice?" He shook like an animal, crystalline droplets spraying in an arc from his sodden hair and clothing.
"What makes you think I need something, Emmett?" I responded sweetly, but my body was still tensed to flee. He wasn't known for his predictability. Edward had told me once that acquaintances of the family thought Emmett a bit dense due to his penchant for solving problems physically. He was as good natured as Carlisle and me, stubborn as his lovely bride and prideful brother, but not stupid. We all knew better. His interests had never been books or philosophy, but his mind was as quick as the steel traps humans used to catch bears. Incredibly observant and able to read people and situations with an uncanny accuracy rivaling an Edward/Jasper meld, Emmett was consistently underestimated by those who didn't know him.
"I'm not going to grab you Alice, relax." Immediately it was so, the vision of him sitting where he stood drained the tension from my limbs. "And I know you need something because, besides Rose, I'm the last person you would seek out for casual conversation."
His voice held no bitterness, his eyes no pain, yet still the comment hurt when I realized it was true. We travelled in our own circles in the same house, rarely spending time alone with each other. Rosalie and I occasionally bonded over shopping and clothes, but Emmett and I never spent time together. Has to change, I love him too. "I'm sorry, Em. You're right."
"About you needing something, or about being the last person you seek out for conversation?" I could hear the smile color his voice, just plain smile, no smugness or pretention. Why didn't I spend more time with him? It has to be less pressure than conversations with Edward. At least lately.
"Both." He chuckled at my response and waited, caramel eyes searching my face in the advancing darkness. "I need a favor, Em. Can you get Rosalie out of the house tonight?"
The chuckle returned, low and light. "What has Edward done this time?"
"Why does every-"
"Cut the crap Alice, and spill." The laughter was gone from his voice, but there was no menace. The sigh escaped before I could stop it and Emmett patted the grass in front of him. I walked over slowly and folded myself to the ground.
"Edward and Jasper aren't the only ones in the family who worry for you Alice." His tone was soft, so unlike the Emmett who plotted and schemed. "You're under an awful amount of pressure here, pulled between the two of them." My head had started to shake, to deny the observation, and his hand shot from the ground and caught my chin.
"Don't deny it. I see things. I'm no idiot." His eyes burned for a moment at the mention of the word, then he continued. "Rose sees it too, and Esme, and Carlisle. They won't say anything. Hell, I wouldn't have said anything. You're no child."
His hand released my chin and raised to scratch his head as he shrugged. "Just tell me what's going on . It has to be big if you want Rosie gone, and I'm not going to incur her wrath just because you ask me a favor. Quid pro quo, Alice."
I couldn't help but grin as he rhymed my name with Clarice and slurped like Hannibal Lecter. Why haven't I thought to include Emmett? But then I looked up at his hulking form and remembered his stance the night of our fight. How he had towered over Edward's slumped form, glaring next to a smirking Rosalie, compassionless line drawn in the sand. I could feel the bond between us shrinking and I straightened. His hand shot forward again and grabbed my wrist, all five fingers wrapping entirely around it. I narrowed my eyes and rose to my knees, trying to pull my arm from his meaty paw.
"I didn't think it was a good idea at the time. I've since changed my mind." His vice-like grip didn't match his pleading tone. "Hear me out, Alice. You owe me at least that."
"Let me go." My teeth were clenched but I kept my voice even.
His hand dropped mine abruptly, then he raised it to ruffle more water from his damp curls. "I was afraid, Alice. I can't lose her. I would think that, of anyone, you would understand." His eyes met mine for a moment, begging me to see the situation from his eyes. "Jasper has told me about the Volturi before. The terror he projects when he speaks of them should be reason enough to believe. There isn't much that scares your husband."
I sat back on my heels and waited while he gathered his thoughts. "Just try for a moment to imagine what it's like to not see what may happen, to only know what is now and to have fear for what is to come." His eyes were closed, brow furrowed with the effort of putting his feelings to words, "To trust the life of my love to someone with their own agenda." He opened his eyes with that and stared into mine. "What if you were me, and I were you, and Jasper was on the line?"
"Emmett, you know I wouldn't let anything happen to Rosalie."
He shook his head. "Alice, please. You aren't trying. What would you do if you saw that you would lose Jasper?"
"I'd do everything in my power to save him." Where was he going with this?
"Well, that's what I was doing." He stopped then and looked to the sky. After a pause, he murmured, soft and hesitant. "She's like his Rosalie, isn't she?"
"I think so, but he's in denial." I chose my words carefully. I didn't think that Emmett needed any more than Edward's investment in Bella, but as usual he surprised me.
"What's in it for you?" He pointedly kept my gaze.
I sighed again. "Emmett, I don't really want to get into this now. I'm still trying to work it out myself." I couldn't tell anyone about my inner turmoil and Bella Swan. The longing was indescribable, the void unexplainable and I needed Rosalie gone tonight. Deal, bargain, beg…do something to get him to agree. I sighed. He doesn't have to know everything.
"I see her changed Emmett." I waited for the roar, and when it wasn't forthcoming, I continued. "Changed or dead, always one or the other. Lately it's been almost always changed."
He nodded, apparently placated by the revelation. "I'll take her tonight to look at parts for the Shelby in Seattle and then hunting." He stood and reached his hand to help me up. "Remember this next time you and Edward decide what's best for us, little sister. Fear is a great motivator, but love works better. We all understand love even if Edward doesn't. Don't let him hide from us. It just makes us think we have something to fear."
"Thank you Em." I smiled gratefully, and squeezed his hand. He reached over and ruffled my unruly hair.
"Sure thing, Spike." And with a wink he was gone, calling for Rosalie to meet him in the garage.
XxXxXx
Jasper sat with his back against a towering cedar, one hand resting on raised knee the other tracing lazy circles along my stomach as I sat between his legs and leaned against his chest. I'd managed to talk him into a hunt even though I'd gone earlier with Edward. Jazz needed it though. We'd been working on his endurance too much too fast and the added stress of the Bella situation wasn't making it any easier.
The hunt had been successful and as we sat, satiated, I let my mind wander. Flashing in and out, I didn't bother to grasp for any particular scene, instead letting them pour over me. A moving tapestry of images…baseball, a red shirt, a darkened hotel room, all woven together by the strains of the nameless lullaby that had so frequented my visions lately.
I stretched against Jasper and smiled as he brought his other arm down and tightened them around me. As I relaxed further it happened, so sudden I had no time to prepare, a swirling void in my sight. Before I could shove it away, it swallowed me and I frantically tried pulling something familiar from my mind to bring me back.
It was so dark, close, suffocating although I knew technically impossible. I could smell fear and filth and there were hands clutching: my arms, my head. Pain knifing, red to black to gray then fog. Cool and hard on my back the ground, the forest. Home. Safe. Him. Jasper's frightened voice calling my name and stroking my hair.
I left my eyes closed and waited until I was sure I could speak without my voice trembling. "How long was I out this time?" Even with the deliberate pause I couldn't keep the question from quavering. His arms tightened around me and I realized we were no longer under the ancient cedar.
"Ten minutes, Alice. You were out for ten minutes. You were screaming again." He paused, his eyes frantic in their worry and reverberating the previous terror I must have been bombarding him with. "You've never done this before, Lis, not in the last half-century. Now twice in as many months. What the hell is going on?"
What –is- going on? I've never had a vision so vivid that I could feel another's touch or smell my surroundings. "I-…I honestly don't know, Jazz. Everything was fine then suddenly there was nothing." As I spoke the claustrophobic fear was there again, irrational and all-consuming. Jasper gasped and locked his jaw, fighting to remain still, his eyes darted from tree to tree looking for a reason for my horror.
Deep breath. Smell. Nothing but forest. "Make it stop." I moaned, struggling against the chill gripping my still heart. It lightened, its grasp easing, and I sucked in a lungful of crisp clean air. Jasper had placed his hands on either side of my face and was focusing intently on calming me down. I started talking immediately, hoping that perhaps if I released all my anxiety the vision would dissipate. The words poured from me before I could think to censor them.
"Edward's going to Bella Swan's house tonight. I don't know why he's going, but I saw her whisper his name in her sleep." I pushed the words from me, hoping they would take the dread with them. "He won't harm her, and I think her calling to him will be the impetus that brings the two of them together."
"And that has you writhing on the ground and screaming for someone to help you?" Jasper's tone was flatly skeptical. He continued, disapproval seeping into his voice. "He's breaking his promise again? Doesn't he see what this is doing to you?"
"Jazz, please. That was just a vision gone wrong…again." I could think again, but now I was forced to do damage control. "I spoke to Emmett. He agrees that perhaps Bella is what Edward needs. That maybe Edward does love the girl and maybe she's to be his mate. I've seen her Jasper…you know I have." Desperation again at the end, blunted by Jasper's ministrations, crept into my voice. Emmett understood. Why couldn't Jasper and Rosalie? What did I have to do…
"Oh Alice. Do you have any idea how hard this is going to be for me?" He pulled me forward into his lap and rested his head against mine. "I trust you, Lis. I believe you if you say Edward won't hurt her, if you say the Volturi won't come, but I don't trust myself." He sighed, "I want this for Edward, because I think it's about time he realized there is someone else in this world that matters besides himself. But, I could ruin everything in the blink of an eye…."
The guilt rose from my gut, overwhelming the tiny hopeful flame Jasper's heartfelt words had ignited. I was as selfish as Edward. I hadn't even considered the effect that Bella's presence would have on Jasper. I wanted for me the completion I was so sure she would bring that I had utterly disregarded the feelings of the center of my universe. Jasper eyed me warily, his suspicions confirmed by my silence and the guilt he undoubtedly sensed. Damage control was becoming my permanent profession. I needed to stop his train of thought before it wrecked.
"No, Jasper. You don't do anything to put her in danger. I am just disappointed in myself that I hadn't thought how this would affect you." Swallow the guilt Alice, he's got enough to worry about now. I forced myself to relax, one limb at a time, until I was sure that the calm I was feeling was entire my own doing. As I mastered my tension, Jasper's own burden lightened and he traced his fingers through my hair, occasionally catching a wayward lock and wrapping it around his finger.
"Lis, darlin', can you talk about your vision now?" He tried his best to sound nonchalant, providing me with an out if I didn't want to discuss it. He would dwell, though, and the thought that it could happen again made me as uneasy as it made him. I've never lost control over my own head before.
"It was nothing Jazz." I felt his hand still, then resume its slow soothing motions. His disappointment was almost palpable, although he surely held back. Explain better, Alice. He thinks you're dodging the question, not giving an answer. "It was nothing, I mean like a giant hole-in-my-head, nothing. When we were sitting before I was having little flashes and glimpses of things, like normal, then all of a sudden I was sucked into this black hole and spit into hell."
His hands had stopped and he was looking at me in sympathetic horror. I pushed on, realizing that if I stopped and took his comfort now, I would conveniently forget the episode ever happened.
"I could smell there, and someone was touching me, and it was so dark." My voice was rising and I could feel the panic as it began to bubble below the surface. Control it. "I don't know what it means, and I don't know why it was so different from everything else I see."
I finished in a whisper. "Something is missing, Jasper, and I don't know what it is. I'm afraid to look for it because I don't want to go back there, but the not-knowing is almost worse."
He smiled a little and pulled me close. "Only to you is the not-knowing worse, Lis. The rest of us exist in the not-knowing every day and we survive."
We sat for hours, although it seemed like only moment, in a comfortable comforting silence. The darkness came and tucked itself around our forest hide-a-way, the moon and stars hidden by the practically perpetual cloud-cover. Edward would be coming back in a few hours and I wanted to be home for him when he got there. I pushed myself up from Jasper's lap and reached my hand to him.
"In a hurry, wee one? Concerned you're going to have to protect your favorite from Rosalie's wrath?" He quipped, eyebrow raised at my outstretched hand.
I rolled my eyes. "Rosalie isn't even home." It's not like she would have killed him. She's always at his throat for something. This Bella thing is just a better opportunity than all of the others. Emmett is accepting, Jasper is handling it, Carlisle and Esme don't seem bothered. Why is she so adamantly against any relationship with the girl?
"Jazz, do you think the animosity that Rosalie has for Edward right now is a twisted form of sibling rivalry?" I had no real reference for the behavior, but Jazz had had several brothers and sisters. I can't imagine why anyone would feel any type of rivalry with a family member….to just be lucky enough to have them.
He took my hand and carefully placed each of his fingers between mine, his palm on the back of my hand, lining up our wedding rings. The diamonds glittered dimly in the muted moonlight and I thought for a moment he had decided against answering my question. I turned and saw his eyes closed, face slack in deep thought, our hands still held in midair. The corners of his eyes crinkled slightly, and I choked back a flare of jealousy. Twice recently for that too. Oh to be able to reach into your own mind and pull out the past instead of the future.
"Alice I haven't thought of them in so long…I'm amazed I've been able to bring any of those memories back." The tiny crinkle was still there and the corners of his mouth tugged upwards in a small smile. "You know, I think you may be right, although I don't think it's sibling rivalry, per say. Rosalie isn't seeking the greater approval of Carlisle or Esme, at least I don't think she is. Rose is struggling with a lot of things."
He started forward, walking back towards the house, taking my hand in a more conventional hold and slightly swinging our clasped palms between us. I stayed silent hoping he would extrapolate on his thoughts. It didn't take long before he began to reminisce.
"You know a lot of this already but, I was the oldest of eight, and we were always vying for attention from momma or papa. It was winter, and those of us who were school-aged all attended together." He had stopped walking, free hand pushed up through his hair as he struggled to drag the memory from the back of his mind. "I don't exactly recall what started it, but some of the boys in my grade and I had started teasing a girl one grade below us. Pulling her hair mostly, tying her braids together, silly pranks to us now but then it was serious business. The teacher caught us, but I'd talked him out of a punishment by claiming harmless fun and showing him I knew my lessons in spite of the disturbance."
He chuckled softly and started forward again, raising my hand to kiss the tip of each finger. "My next oldest sister, Emma, always felt there was a competition between her and me in anything we did. I was rarely in trouble, I think I owed that to my muted ability, and it really riled her to see me get out of yet another sticky situation. I should have known she would make sure I didn't get out of this one."
I smiled, trying to imagine Jasper as a child trying to talk his sister out of snitching on him. Closing my eyes, I felt for the bond there, strong through petty arguments and childish tantrums. The nostalgia had put Jasper in a pleasant mood, and he was radiating contentment. I let it wash over me as I tried vicariously to relive his memory in my mind.
"I spent our entire walk home trying to convince her that telling our father wasn't the way to go. I tried blackmail, but she'd been whipped plenty and the rare opportunity to see me get my comeuppance was worth another tanning. Emma was a tough one." His eyes were far away in pre-Civil War Texas, staring ahead as he spoke, the chuckle now playing along his lips as a smile. "She pushed me up the stairs and squeezed past my stumbling form, screeching for papa as soon as she had the front door open. I turned right back around and walked to the back barn. No reason to give her the satisfaction of seeing papa drag me out to for the strapping I was sure to get, I'd take my punishment like a man. I sat on a milking stool, the dread rising in my gut as I waited for the inevitable heavy boot steps on the rough wooden floor. I was disappointed only in that those hard steps were accompanied by lighter footfalls . My father, his face stormy and saddened at the same time, had brought Emma with him."
I glanced up and saw the softened memory glow in his golden eyes, the smile became less rueful and more warm.
"Emma's eyes held a glint of victory and as my father had reached for the harness strap on the wall she stuck her tongue out at me and spun around to leave. We both jumped when my father's voice thundered out, "Emma Louise, you stay right here and see this out. Your intent was to have him strapped. You'll get your wish."
I remember distinctly my mouth going dry as Emma turned, the spark of vengeance dimming in her wide gray eyes. Punishment was private in our house, the others knew you might be getting a whippin' but no one was privy to your shame but papa." Jasper's voice matched his eyes now, far away from Forks, in the warmish winter of West Texas. "I stood there, biting back tears, pants to my ankles with only the thin cotton of my drawers between my little remaining dignity and the world. Emma stood, first on one foot then on the other, looking anywhere but at me. I braced myself for the burn when I heard the strap whistle through the air. It cracked against the bare skin of my thighs and I bit through my lip. I vividly remember tasting blood. Emma's eyes met my tear-filled ones, any happiness at my punishment gone from her gaze. The second swish and crack caught me by surprise and I cried out in spite of myself. I felt the tears spill over and run down my face and was surprised again, this time by Emma's own tear stained face. Three more lashes, our eyes were locked. Stifled sobs shook her body, her arms hung limp at her sides. My father hung the harness back on its hook and crouched between us. "Jasper Hampton Whitlock, I don't ever want to hear another bad report about you from school. The teacher associates your behavior with our family name, and I won't have the Whitlock name tarnished. And Emma Louise, remember that what hurts one member of this family hurts you. You are brother and sister and that's a bond that shouldn't be broken by revenge and pettiness."
We stopped on the periphery of the clearing, the house in sight now. Jasper's voice lost the soft nostalgic tone and turned regretful. Jasper and the rest of the family knew how much it hurt me sometimes not to remember my past, so they often hid their memories from me. Precious glances into his childhood were few and far between. "I'm sorry darlin', I got a little lost there. I just think sometimes that Rosalie and Edward are a lot like me and Emma were. You can draw your own conclusions."
"I love to hear about you growing up, Jazz. You can remember for me any day." I didn't want him to regret sharing. I hung onto all of their stories as if they were my own.
As we covered the fifty yards into the house I planned out the last few hours before Edward would come home. I would lie on my bed and replay Jasper's memory over and over in my mind until it became mine. I would be Emma, so desperate to be better than my older brother in my parents' eyes, that I would realize too late that 'better' didn't exist to parents. I shoved away the bitter part of me pointing it out that my daydreams were nothing but fantasy, and focused instead on Edward's return.
Each flicker and flash was murky with his indecisiveness. The only detail unclouded is a cherry-red BMW parked in the school lot next to the Volvo. That could mean any number of things, the least likely being a friendly familial race to school and the most likely being Rosalie had grown sick and tired of Edward's little game. When we entered the house I excused myself with a kiss and a squeeze, claiming the need to prep for school. As I lounged in the tub, a human habit that had always fascinated me, I tried to sort-out my own infatuation with Bella Swan. I wanted Edward happy, of course, but what else was there? What's in it for me? Emmett's question loomed large. The words wrapped and repeated; a new mantra for my novel madness. If I didn't continue to focus on the question, I would, instead, be forced to contemplate an answer. But it was the answer that preceded the darkness, that was the harbinger of chaos. The thought of another dissension into aphotic discord was more than my being could bear. So I sought refuge in another human habit: avoidance.